Boundary Pushing

I understand that things are working okay now, but I am a bit nervous here. I would love to hear from your husband on this. Maybe I am wrong, but I kinda get this feeling that hubby is agreeing to boundaries that he struggles to keep, and wishes were different, for some reason.

I know he can talk for himself, and is on his own journey with this, but I wonder how much he doesn't want to rock the boat because he thinks you might not allow him to have sex with your girlfriend alone sometime down the road. I respect that he might be going at your pace here, ChloeJane, but is that what is going on, or is he in denial about what he really wants? I get the feeling he just sucked up his feelings, thoughts and desires to keep you happy. Maybe he thinks he will be denied all of the sex he is having if he expresses how he really feels.

Men sometimes do that when it comes to sex. Hell, women do, too. We all do sometimes, when we are getting some of our needs met. It sometimes seems worth it to shelve some stuff in order to get just one need met. I don't think this is healthy in the long run. Even if it is shelved with the knowledge that it will be addressed later, that is better than ignoring it, I think.

Is it not possible to go off in twos sometimes, and then come together as three? When was the last time you and he connected alone sexually? This is also important to the stability and foundation of your connection with him, no? Are you interested in sex with her alone?

I realize this is all new, but eventually I am wondering if this will all bust apart if the move to something more stable doesn't occur. Or is that something that you are considering, but just for later?
 
redpepper said:
I understand that things are working okay now, but I am a bit nervous here. I would love to hear from your husband on this. Maybe I am wrong, but I kinda get this feeling that hubby is agreeing to boundaries that he struggles to keep, and wishes were different, for some reason.

I know he can talk for himself and is on his own journey with this, but I wonder how much he doesn't want to rock the boat because he thinks you might not allow him to have sex with your girlfriend alone sometime down the road. I respect that he might be going at your pace here, ChloeJane, but is that what is going on or is he in denial about what he really wants? I just get the feeling that he sucked up his feelings, thoughts and desires to keep you happy. Maybe he thinks he will be denied all the sex he is having if he expresses how he really feels. Men sometimes do that when it comes to sex. Hell, women do, too. We all do sometimes, when we are getting some of our needs met. It sometimes seems worth it to shelve some stuff in order to get just one need met. I don't think this is healthy in the long run. Even if it is shelved with the knowledge that it will be addressed later, that is better than ignoring it, I think.

Is it not possible to go off in twos sometimes and then come together as three? When was the last time you and he connected alone sexually? This is also important to the stability and foundation of your connection with him, no? Are you interested in sex with her alone? I realize this is all new, but I am wondering if this will all bust apart eventually, if the move to something more stable doesn't occur. Or is that something that you are considering, but just for later?
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Redpepper, I wonder at your worrying, as you are one of the big advocates for going at the pace of the slowest person. I don't see that is any different for a triad. Let's say ChloeJane is the slow one here. (I have no idea how the girlfriend feels. CJ hasn't said anything about her husband or gf saying that they wanted something different.) It has only been a month and a half. I don't know why she needs to be changing anything at all right now.

This doesn't seem to be set up like a regular triad, where the girlfriend is asking for equal status, or anybody is currently asking for equal OR one-on-one relationships. If anybody is wanting that, I think that's a discussion for them, but not one for outside influences to force on them because it's wrong for them to have whatever dynamic they want. I think it's up to them to be figuring out how the relationship will grow or change.

Also, if CJ is chasing her husband because of all those things you listed above that he might be feeling, well, that isn't living in trust at all; it's living in fear. That's worrying your partner isn't mature or aware enough to come to you with their wants or needs. I have been in the position to pursue my husband, digging and questioning for information like this. It's not fun, and it's not healthy. If her husband is dealing with all that crap, her having to coax it out of him isn't going to solve anything.

I don't think 6 weeks into ANY relationship has everything settled yet. I'm not sure why they can't just be happy where they are at, if everybody is enjoying themselves.
 
Anneintherain, I am blonde, so you can imagine me sounding like a TOTAL blonde when I say "To-tall-y!" A month and a half is too soon to be tearing apart our agreements. Pushing to talk about something that no one has expressed any desire to pursue seems like a strange move.

Redpepper, the one-on-one sex in the bed that was happening was largely because there was SO much sexual energy being exchanged that it was just looking for the nearest, most willing conduit. I can totally understand that, but it still didn't make it okay. That said, because we are so big into communication, we have broached this subject of the possibility of one-on-one sex over the past couple of days, and my husband has told me flat out that he is not interested in pursuing an independent sexual relationship with Skylar. I am not interested in that. Skylar is also not interested in that. We are very much about co-creating a three-way sexual relationship, which is swiftly becoming a three-way love relationship, as well. Should this change, I absolutely expect that we, as adults, will be able to speak up with our desires. I don't believe that any of us are creating an atmosphere of non-communication for each other.

In response to your earlier post, I did think that it was a distinct possibility that you were trying to be funny, but as there was quite a strong response to our agreements from a lot of people, I might have been feeling a wee bit judged ;) We're obviously a bunch of free-thinking, opinionated, self-aware people, or else we wouldn't be participating in polyamory in the first place, right? So I'm all about hugging it out with you on this one. :)
 
Hi ChloeJane, welcome to the board.

I appreciate your thorough responses, so far, to the feedback you have received.

I want to understand more about the BDSM context here. I think that is one of the keys to the mistakes being made. It seems to me you are the Domme in this situation, with two subs, your husband and your gf. You're calling the shots, limiting their sexual contact, as well as your husband's desire to talk to Skylar outside of when you are all three together. You are allowing and encouraging your husband, as your sub, to Top the gf in this situation, for your own bisexual pleasure, and that is a strict boundary, so far. He may Top her, but he may not break your rules.

As others have said, more vanilla triads don't work this way successfully in the long run. To me, you come across as a bit patronizing of your husband. You have said, a couple times, "I am proud of him," regarding all his work on his psyche. I know in a D/s relationship, the Dom/me often has a somewhat parental attitude towards the sub. (But Doms are not perfect, and even though they may take the role of that during actual playtime, they need to be cognizant of that fact when the sexual frenzy is over.)

Even in a D/s situation, the two subs need to work out their own relationship. Just because you are Domme, does not mean they do not have a one-on-one relationship to work out between them. Two loving subs "conspiring," outside of the dungeon, to please their Miss can bring you more pleasure, not less, honey.

His tendency to break boundaries, and do whatever he feels like, despite the "rules," seems to be a source of your pride in him, and at the same time, a source of worry, now, in an intense sexual relationship that is (unexpectedy) turning out to be an emotional one. (Side note: if you are experienced in polyamory, why should this love development have blindsided you so much?)

As far as him getting aroused for Skylar, despite a long sex/kink session that YOU thought should have been enough for him and her, it took you off guard. It's like you are saying, "I am satisfied, therefore they should be too! Wah!" However, your husband was definitely NOT satisfied, and got hard and tried to fuck her. Once again, you two are individuals, not a single unit, so if you agree to that in any way, why not honor it? If not now, soon.

However, if the dynamic is one where you are in control (and that is supposed to be part of the fun), you could "child-proof" the situation to prevent this happening in the future, if mere words and agreements just made to be broken are not enough. For example, if you simply slept in between them, he'd have to crawl over you to fuck the gf. Or one of them could sleep on the floor on your side of the bed. If even that is not enough, gf could sleep in a cage (literally); a large dog kennel is often used for slave's sleeping quarters. You could lock it and wear the key around your neck. If even that is not enough (say, he sticks his dick in between the bars for a BJ), she can sleep in another room until he fully submits to his role and behaves himself.

It's like you're saying, "Child, I've given you a toy this Xmas morning, but you may only play with it when I am awake/watching/playing with it with you, and if you don't do that, I will take the toy away and give it to the poor children," ... or something. He obviously wants to play with his toy in a different way than you do. He wants a chance to see how the toy reacts to just his playstyle, without your input. Personally, I don't blame him, but again, in a D/s context, if he agrees you are calling the shots, for his own good, fine, that's your agreement. However, if he's been abused in the past, your Dominance might be triggering for him, and he's reacting according to an old script. If you are in control, it is up to you to do everything you can to prevent this.
 
Magdlyn said:
As far as him getting aroused for Skylar, despite a long sex/kink session that YOU thought should have been enough for him and her, it took you off guard. It's like you are saying, "I am satisfied, so they should be too! Wah!" However, your husband was definitely NOT satisfied, and got hard and tried to fuck her. Once again, you two are individuals, not a single unit, so if you agree to that in any way, why not honor it? If not now, soon.
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I have imagined from what I've read that there is a kink factor, but not necessarily a D/s factor with her or her husband as the overall Dom/me. (I could be way off.) But my response to this is that it's not she says, "I am satisfied, so they should be too," but that she thought she and her husband had a clearly-specified agreement to not have sex without all three of them awake and involved.

It sounds like the agreement may not have been as clear as she thought, so they rediscussed it and clarified it. I think you have lots of good insight and advice if she is the Domme. But I think, if she isn't, and this is just a case of regular old vanilla agreements, that it's okay to take time and work things out with her partners without being pushed to change the dynamic before anybody is asking for it or ready for it.
 
I found myself thinking about this situation some more today. It's funny how one person's very specific, personal story can end up being a sort of stand-in for everyone's thoughts on an issue or a range of issues. This situation definitely pings some of my own issues/questions/feelings about my relationship with my gf and her husband.

Before I go on, Chloe, note that at this point I am not trying to say anything whatsoever about whether your husband acted appropriately, or whether it's incumbent upon any of you (or even advisable) to change your boundaries at this point. I think I've covered my thoughts on that thoroughly.

One thing that I find a little confusing is that your husband is saying he's not interested in one-on-one sex with the gf. If not, then why did he choose (whether he was consciously "choosing" or just acting) that particular boundary to push multiple times? Maybe he doesn't feel like it's something he at all needs right now, but to say he doesn't want it seems to contradict his actions.

I suppose people sometimes do things, like lie, that don't represent what they really want to be doing, per se, and are instead just manifestations of something else that's going on.

But if he, and you, for that matter, have emotional, growing relationships with her, why *wouldn't* you want at least the potential for one-on-one sex?

I find that threesome sex is very intense, and definitely creates intimacy, but that coupled sex holds (for me, at least) a different, perhaps more concretely bonding, sort of intimacy. It's hard for me not to see an agreement that says "no couple sex" as not being about preventing that sort of bonding. Otherwise, if it's truly just that nobody feels like it right now, why have an agreement about it at all? After all, if nobody wanted BDSM, you wouldn't articulate an agreement that says "no BDSM," most likely.

I get that it's about trust issues with the hubs, more than anything else, and that's definitely valid. I'm just pondering.

Also, I don't think everything has to be perfectly balanced, by any means, especially not at this stage. After all, you and your husband have a long-standing primary partnership and you're just getting to know this girl. But I do see a question of balance here that I find intriguing. If you're building a threeway sexual and love relationship, but you and your husband can have coupled sex (I assume this is the case?), but neither of you can with the gf, that puts her in a very different role, one that I find to be very intense, but less personal, less partner-y.

It's not just about sex, of course. It's about alone time in general. I imagine there are things you've shared with your husband when it's been just the two of you that you might not have wanted to open up about under any other circumstances, and vice versa. I've shared some very personal things while with my gf and her husband, but there are other things, little personal revelations that I couldn't even have predicted, that only came out when I was alone with her. I truly believe that humans just act differently in dyad situations in ways that are both revealing and, again, bonding. I think this is why I see this particular agreement as fine for starting out, but as problematic if it should stay in place and try to co-exist with the goal of one or more serious love relationships.
 
Also, let me just say, Mags, girlfriend in a cage idea? So. Hot. Sorry, sorry, don't mean to threadjack... ;)
 
Anneintherain said:
I have imagined from what I've read that there is a kink factor, but not necessarily a D/s factor, with her or her husband as the overall Dom. (I could be way off)...
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CJ said the gf is a "sub through and through," that she, CJ, is "driving the bus" in this, making her the "Domme," and has compared her husband to a "spoiled child with his hand in the cookie jar." She is also into both of them "spoiling" the gf, who is "boundary-less," as if she were a pet or a child.

It sounds like the agreement may have not been as clear as she thought, so they rediscussed it and clarified it. I think you have lots of good insight and advice, if she is the Domme, but I think if she isn't, and this is just a case of regular old vanilla agreements, that it's okay to take time and work things out with her partners, without being pushed to change the dynamic before anybody is asking for it or ready for it.
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I think my reading comprehension is pretty good, Anne.
 
Magdlyn, I can be a sub through and through with a partner, but that doesn't mean that they will be topping me in any way other than sexually, and I haven't experienced it outside of the bedroom. So I didn't automatically assume that sexually submissive means relationally submissive, from what ChloeJane said.

I know some relationships have both, but as some don't, I didn't take it as a given, as she didn't specify.
 
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Hey, Mags, you are not the only person here who responded with saying something about this being a D/s situation, but I admit I missed this point.

Chloe, other than the mention of Skylar being a sub, I didn't "get" that there was any more to this dynamic than that could just be a preference of hers. It would make sense if you were the Domme to both of them, as Mags described, because you do seem to be very much wanting control over both of them (even though I think you said your boundaries are not about controlling them), but I don't know enough about D/s to offer feedback on that. I did notice a bit of a... hmm, not sure how to word this... for lack of a better term, at first I thought it was a bit of condescension toward your husband that he was unable to control certain tendencies you saw in him, and needed to be reined in somehow, kept in line, disciplined. I guess Mags calling that "parental" makes more sense if you are all operating within a D/s dynamic, with you as the Domme.

If it is the case that this is a D/s thing (and I'm still not sure it is, or whether that is 24/7, or in the bedroom only), since you didn't come right out and say it, maybe that's why some responses (including mine) seemed overly critical or off the mark to you. But if it is, I find this rather confusing:
ChloeJane said:
My husband is boundary-less on his own. His sexual energy is potent as fuck and he loves women immensely. She is a sub, and adores having her boundaries pushed; it makes it a lot of fun to be her lover, as being creative enough to titillate her crazy intelligence takes planning and work, which can heighten the anticipation of us all seeing each other SO deliciously. Knowing that she is boundary-less, and my husband is boundary-less, we (my husband and I) talked a lot about what had gone "wrong" in previous forays into polyamory and co-created boundaries together.

... My husband's pushiness has the capacity to ruin it, and he needs to watch that desire to get what he wants over the collective happiness, especially when dealing with a highly sexual sub, who's truly GGG. I don't want to become his "keeper" or control him, so he has to be extra-emotionally responsible in a very salacious, tempting situation. In this version of the story, it's totally ADAM who would bite the muthf'in apple.
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Anneintherain said:
I can be a sub through and through with a partner, but that doesn't mean that they will be topping me in any way other than sexually, and I haven't experienced it outside of the bedroom. So I didn't automatically assume that sexually submissive means relationally submissive, from what ChloeJane said.
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If you're only a sub in a sexual context, you're technically a bottom. If someone is only a Dom in a sexual context, they are technically not Masters/Doms, or Mistresses/Dommes, but Tops.

Since CJ is calling the shots, as far as not just the sex, but also the messaging allowed between her husband and Skylar, she is Domming outside the bedroom/dungeon context. Her husband might not be her sub fulltime, or he might be. He seems to be a bratty sub though, that's for sure! I think he needs a good flogging or other kind of punishment, besides scolding, myself. ;) It sounds to me like they could use a good read, or support group, about the intricacies of D/s dynamics.

I am not a "lifestyle" D/s player, I'm merely a horny Switch. But my gf has had years of experience in lifestyle D/s, and I am sure she'd agree to my assessment, at least with the info we have so far.
 
So much to reply to......

Wow, I step away from the forum for a day and I am WAY behind in my correspondence!

There has been so much said about all of this, and I’ve been (for the most part very) happily responding to a lot of different angles, opinions and perceptions. I think that because of this, a simple issue has become REALLY complicated. This is cool, as I think that it’s allowed my husband and me to go extremely deep into our communication, has brought up a whole flurry of issues that we weren’t even anticipating talking about, and has resulted in extremely clear boundaries and understanding of where we are both coming from. It’s not that we didn’t have clear communication before we ventured into this new relationship, but WOW, are we clear now!

Magdlyn:

His tendency to break boundaries and do whatever he feels like despite the "rules," seems to be a source of your pride in him, and at the same time, a source of worry, now, in an intense sexual relationship that is (unexpectedly) turning out to be an emotional one. (If you are experienced in polyamory, why should this love development have blindsided you so much?)
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I would never be blindsided by an emotional relationship being borne out of a physical one; in many ways we fostered both from the beginning by making this not just about sex, but also very much about romance, intimacy and great conversation. I would say that my husband’s past tendencies to boundary push worry me much more than they do please me/cause me pride. I do like that he is his own man, but don’t mistake that respect/admiration for him breaking agreements that we have in place together.

However, if he's been abused in the past, your Dominance might be triggering for him, and he's reacting according to an old script. If you are in control, it is up to you to do everything you can to prevent this.
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I am not in control of my husband, nor would I want to be. As much as I have a dominating personality/sexual style, so does he. Our agreements are collective, and take into consideration each person’s boundaries/limits/comfort zones. You are right about the abuse though; his ex wife was very controlling, and he has shared with me that this baggage caused him to “rebel,” even though it was an agreement that HE had made with me. I understand, and forgive him fully for this.

CJ said the gf is a "sub through and through," that she, CJ, is "driving the bus" in this, making her the "domme," and has compared her husband to a "spoiled child with his hand in the cookie jar." She is also into both of them "spoiling" the gf, who is "boundary-less," as if she were a pet or a child.
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Our girlfriend IS a sub through and through. Oddly though, that makes me want to protect her, and be really careful with her subby nature. My husband DOES act like a spoiled child sometimes. (So do I, though. Don’t we all?) We DO love spoiling our lovely lady. She is designed to be spoiled, and works so damn hard during the week that it gives us great pleasure to treat her well, cater to her, show her a wonderful time, engage in tons of fantasy and role playing, and treat her a bit like a beautiful pet. But these are all pretty non-BDSM, if that’s possible. Sure, there’s a bit o’ the kink, but it’s not the centre. I’d say my husband and I are both pretty much tops, and she’s a sub. My husband loves putting me in a power role in sex with her, for the kink factor of it, but I am not a domme by personal definition. Oh boy, I can see I’m setting myself up for some major analytical dismantling now with you bunch!! Le sigh.

Anneintherain:

This is very much a case of “regular old vanilla agreements” needing to be readdressed, as I don’t think that we all understood each other as well as we do now. I really feel like you get the simplicity of our situation, and that makes me want to buy you a latte and high five you.

AnnabelMore:

One thing that I find a little confusing is that your husband is saying he's not interested in one-on-one sex with the gf. If not, then why did he choose (whether he was consciously "choosing" or just acting) that particular boundary to push multiple times?
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I believe I was responding to Redpepper’s suggestion that my husband or I might want some independent sexual experiences with Skylar. We sat down and explored that, (Thank you, Redprpper. It was good to talk with him about that.) He said, no, it was not something he was interested in. We’ve talked a lot about the boundary pushing that happened when he initiated sex between the two of them. It boiled down to a couple of factors: Miscommunication and Misplaced Intentions. We have talked all angles of this thing to death now, and if we have left a stone unturned and it comes up again, I will be shocked!

But if he (and you, for that matter) have emotional, growing relationships with her, why *wouldn't* you want at least the potential for one-on-one sex?
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I think we set out to do something unique here. I haven’t seen another situation like ours here, as of yet. We truly decided to expand our relationship to a third – not to segment into individuals/coming together occasionally, but to create a three-person relationship. There are a couple of kinks to work out, obviously. But for the most part, I can’t even begin to tell you how divine and fun it is.

Sure, I am in charge of communication, but that’s largely because it’s uncomplicated that way. Skylar and I set up dates, keep in touch, and share our thoughts with each other. We all three get together for dinner, and a night at a trendy hotel. Or she comes out to our suburban wonderland, escaping her city life for nights in the hot tub, cuddle puddles and movies, cooking dinner together, making a fire, hot action for hours on end.

And it’s all three of us. I get to look at her, then my husband, then at her. We all really, really love this dynamic, and the working out of the kinks was inevitable. I think that it’s a natural inclination to pair off. It’s what we all do, and then we replicate it by pairing off again. For us, we’re not actively pursuing that pairing off. (Even though we’ve had some hiccups – oh please, oh please, let’s not go over those again, ever, ever, ever, hahahahaha!)

Maybe it’s an ideal, and maybe it’s not conventional, but I think we’re back on track and doing pretty awesome with it.

For that time when it’s just my husband and me, we fold her love back into our primary relationship, strengthening it, and fostering more of it by keeping in touch every day, texting, emailing, letter writing, packages in the mail. We never leave her lonely. This week she is missing us, and we weren’t due to see her until Saturday, so we’re driving out to the city to take her for dinner tomorrow night.

I think this is why I see this particular agreement as fine for starting out, but as problematic if it should stay in place and try to co-exist with the goal of one or more serious love relationships.
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I don’t know what the future will hold for us, but I know that we’re pretty happy with how things are going now, and are open to see what is in store for us. I think as long as we all trust each other enough to be honest, communicate our deepest fears and desires, and remain respectful of each other, that only good things can come out of it. I think it's safe to say that all of us on this forum are more open to the possibilities in relationships than many folk in this world (not to segregate or make us better than; it's just a fact!).

I can say, however that this first big communication/boundary/weirdness test has proven to be a really good one. We’ll see what the future holds, and I’ll definitely dish as things change/come up!!

And YES, GIRLFRIEND IN A CAGE IS A HOT IDEA! LOL!!! :p I am not going to bring that up, or else they’re just going to start “breaking rules” so that I’ll shove them in the dog crate. (We have one that she would fit in, coincidentally, having just gone through puppy-dom with our Shibas a couple of years ago. LOL ;) )

Maybe I have a whole crazy-freaky-BDSM part of me just screaming to get out. I think I might have spied her a couple of times in the past few years.
 
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Hey ChloeJane, for the record, this situation of yours is not unique. ;) At the stage you are at, you are right on schedule. If you were, say, a year in, it would be unique. No biggie, though. You are working hard, it is plain to see. Kudos to you for that. Good luck. :)
 
redpepper said:
Hey ChloeJane, for the record, this situation of yours is not unique. ;) At the stage you are at, you are right on schedule. If you were, say, a year in, it would be unique. No biggie, though. You are working hard, it is plain to see. Kudos to you for that. Good luck. :)
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I'm not sure whether I should follow your rather strange form of reassurance, or to go with more of a gut feeling of condescension right now, Redpepper. It seems that everyone thinks that they know what our relationship consists of, where our weaknesses/challenges lie, and now, even how it will unfold, with the exact order and type of problems we'll be facing. I offered that it might be unique because so many people were pushing for us to start splitting off and having independent relationships, like it was an inevitability. It's not necessarily an inevitability, and any assumption to the contrary is just that, at this point-- an assumption.

I can appreciate that while everyone has, and will continue to have unique relationships with unique individuals, that there are members on this board who have seen enough variety to see some trends, or patterns out there. I would also however, like to point out that none of this makes anyone all-knowing, or all-seeing, and to imply as much will only create feelings of judgement and disempowerment on this board, or worse, dependence on other people's opinions, taking people away from their own truths.

As a newcomer to this board, I have to say it's been pretty intense. There have been a lot of projections, assumptions, interpretations and judgements on some challenges that came up in our relationship. That's cool with me; I don't mind a good debate, getting clearer in my life, or being challenged in general. Nor do I mind pointing out when people are overstepping, or being too intense.

I think this might be a good moment to extend my encouragement to the more established members of this board, who all have strong voices, that helping people get clear in their own minds/hearts is a lot more empowering than telling them how it is, or how it will be.

So, "maybe in a year it will be unique"? Maybe it's already unique. With all due respect, it's honestly not really for you to say.

Good luck to you and yours, as well. It seems like an awesome match up, and that makes me happy for you.
 
I can understand how you might find the welcome here pretty intense. I hope you can still find a peaceful space for yourself here. :) I, for one, would like to read how things develop. In the blogs section there is generally less commenting/advising going on, so if it gets too heavy here for you, you might want to move there.

To the original issue you posted, I totally agree that your husband violated the agreements you had, and is completely responsible. I'm happy about all the communication that seems to be going on, and it seems like you got to the bottom of it.

It sounds like the boundaries you have work for this situation, since none of you have expressed a desire for more one-on-one time/sex. (And while some here have suggested that might be behind your husband's actions, I totally agree with you that if it is, he needs to communicate that to you.)

Since you say you would be open to different agreements later on, with your girlfriend, or in some other kind of situation, I'll share a thought I had, even though it's not very relevant at the current situation.

From what I gather, you have reasons for your boundaries mostly in your husband's tendencies of having a poor judgement when he is in NRE. It seems that when he is in NRE, you can't really trust him to take your feelings into account very well. Am I understanding this right? :) By the way, I totally understand why you would have a hard time trusting his judgement, given the choices he's made in your current situation.

It seems that your boundaries (no contact between them, no sex with girlfriend without all three of you there) are in place to avoid those issues. And I think that's fine for now: there is nothing wrong with enjoying what you have, and it seems to be enjoyable to you all as things are. However, if, at some point and with somebody, you decide to move forward, I'm wondering how your husband could "prove you wrong", i.e., show you that he can be trusted? With your current boundaries, if he sticks to them (he hasn't so far, but say from now on), the issue of poor judgement is avoided altogether. Not violating the boundaries you have shows you nothing, except that he is willing to respect your feelings-- which is obviously important.

But I'm wondering if there could be some kind of agreement that would give him a little more responsibility. That way, if he kept to that agreement, you'd see that he was working to respect your agreements, and you might begin to trust him more. Then again, if he didn't, it might tell you that you really can't trust him. (I'm all for second chances, but I would also draw that conclusion if he violates the current boundaries again.)
 
It was meant to be reassuring, although now that I re-read, I see you have a sense of pride in your words. I can see why you would think I was condescending.

Meh, I think I will just fuck off now. As I said, good luck.
 
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