Mono/poly or what

S

Sonic

New member
Hi all

I have been following this forum for a little while and now decided to register.

I am currently in a 3-yrs relationship, we are married and live together with my partner. I love him very much.

Before marriage he told me that he would like us to be poly in the long term, he even mentioned this as a prerequisite for getting married. To me it was quite difficult to deal with at the time, but I respected his honesty and thought that it's good to discuss in the long term what you want out of life than just plunge into a marriage without any thought.

So, I thought it over and thought and thought, and agreed. So we got married.

Now I have been dealing with this polyamory issue for over a year and I feel ready. We have been discussing opening our relationship for maybe 6 months more intensely, and now at last I am sure that this is something I truly want. For myself, not for him or anybody else.

Lately, I met a person I felt interested in, and this doesn't happen often, since I love my partner deeply and he fulfills my needs. However, I met someone.

And after that all hell broke loose. When I told about this person and that I would like to go on a date with her, my partner became very insecure about everything. He accused me of being a selfish person and only thinking about myself etc... This was very hard for me to hear since I had to do a lot of work with myself in order to accept the idea of polyamory in the first place.

It seems that as long as the idea of polyamory is something that my partner thinks for himself, he wants it, but now when he realizes that it means that I'm going to have other loves too, it breaks him.

Quite common I would imagine?

Do you have any good ideas on how to proceed?

I have read a lot of good resources and sent links to him, I hope he's reading them too. We have had a lot of difficult discussions, he says he doesn't know if he's cut out for this.

I feel kind of betrayed having put all this work and effort into accepting polyamory, finding a polyamorous side in me, and then after a year of hard work finding myself in a mono/poly situation.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how have you worked it out?

I don't want to leave my partner, I love him very much, but I don't know if I can go back to being mono anymore. At least not now, not because of the other person I've met but because of me.

Does this make any sense to you?
 
This is where the law of unintended consequences comes in ...or be careful what you ask for. This is a good life lesson for him to learn.

You did a lot of work to get to this point ...so now its his turn. Time to hit the books. Tell him to suck it up and study up could be a bumpy ride.
Or gently tell him he started this ball rolling and it too late to stop so he'd better get with the program he started. Either way same same depending on delivery.

Lots of threads here for him to read...lots of people willing to share stories and experiences to help him.

Good luck to you both.
 
Thanks for your response :)

Though I don't think that "You made your bed, now lie in it" is maybe the most mature reaction to this situation.

I hope he is willing to work with this as I have worked. It's just that he says he can't say anything for sure, and I think I need some kind of confirmation from him.
 
What the heck is up with him accusing you of being selfish?? Did he really never think that you might want what he was asking for himself? Did he think that such a huge lack of equity (poly = necessary for him, selfish for you) would be ok? Or was it just in the heat of the moment that he said that?

I can understand someone thinking that poly sounds great but then being blindsided by their own negative emotional response to their partner actually giving it a go, that's a common enough story, but to call you selfish seems wildly unfair amd just plain strange.
 
AnnabelMore said:
What the heck is up with him accusing you of being selfish?? Did he really never think that you might want what he was asking for himself? Did he think that such a huge lack of equity (poly = necessary for him, selfish for you) would be ok? Or was it just in the heat of the moment that he said that?

I can understand someone thinking that poly sounds great but then being blindsided by their own negative emotional response to their partner actually giving it a go, that's a common enough story, but to call you selfish seems wildly unfair amd just plain strange.
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Hm, I think he was being very triggered when he said that. But of course it has made me thinking, what reasons do I want to pursue polyamory for :confused:

I think that his insecurities have to do with the fact that I am much more extroverted than he is, and he feels that I can much more easily find other partners than he.

I have even considered the possibility of finding someone for him... but then I don't think it's my place to find him romantic partners.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and have you been able to make things work?
 
I was suggesting that because of "making that bed" that he had the responsibility to roll up his sleeves and do at least as much work now as you have done...if not more.

Can't run at the first negative or explict thought.
 
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dingedheart said:
I was suggesting that because of "making that bed" that he had the responsibility to roll up his sleeves and do at least as much work now as you have done...if not more.

Can't run at the first negative or explict thought.
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Oh I fully agree. Though I think that you can't force anybody into anything.

He didn't force me, he put the ball rolling, and now than a lot of rolling has happened, I can't force him either :( I think the situation is unfair to me, but what to do about it.

I'm going to discuss everything openly with him, including my feelings for this other person, and we'll see what comes out of it...
 
If I were you I would say to him, "You don't get to call me selfish. You are forgetting how generous I've been. You told me in no uncertain terms that asked that polyamory was an essential part of who you are and that I had to accept that if I married you. Well, honey, I respected you, did the hard personal work necessary, struggled to understand it, and I married you. We've been talking about it and talking about it, and I am ready. You can tell me you're afraid, you can tell me you want to go slow, or whatever, but don't you dare tell me I am selfish now just because I have grown to embrace something you wanted, like it was my own. And it is what I want now. I'm on board with you, now it's your turn to be as generous as I have been and get on board with me."

Be strong! Though you are a married couple, you are still two autonomous people with your own needs, wants, and desires, who need to negotiate this without name-calling. He doesn't get to call the shots all by himself - you're working together as partners.
 
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Force what exactly. Are you talking about forcing him to have other partners...or are we talking about him being super comfortable and happy you're seeing other people?

How much reading or work has he put in on this so far?

Has he spoken with any trained professionals yet?

Is he a member here?
 
Oh poor guy, he put the cart before the horse on this one didn't he? I guess he forgot that he wasn't the only one that is poly in the world. I guess he just assumed you would not be interested.... this is a good example of why one should never assume anything... or expect anything. Lesson one.*check

Well, I guess its his turn to learn and grow. Time to get about educating himself in terms of both of you having other partners and what that might look like. I suspect his "you are selfish" response is from a place of feeling like that himself at some point and turning it out on you. Maybe he went slow and waited because he felt like that. Now that it seems that you are on board and ready to go he is blind sided by the amount of work you have done while he seemingly wasn't paying attention and seems as if you are moving too fast. Hence the comment of being "selfish." If that makes sense? Really, in a round about way, I think he might of been saying that he had no idea you would be ready for this more than he is at this point.

The only thing I can see to do is to slow down again, let him catch up to you this time and then see where you are at. I like that you are sending things for him to read, but are you doing this work with him? Maybe it would help you both get on the same page about it all so that there is no issues of pacing happening. It sounds like you both want to be in the same place, but sometimes that is next to impossible if you aren't doing it together.

Having said that, I agree with whomever said that you are autonomous and should be getting about your life at your own speed and in your own direction. Walking hand in hand in life and marriage is a beautiful thing. That's why its so important to make sure that you are still holding hands and one isn't running ahead of the other or that you are so co-dependant that you just stand there globbed on to one another (I don't think this is where you are at however).

I suggest doing a tag search here for "lessons" and "foundations" there are some great ideas on how to make poly work and what to look out for. It would be great if he joined up here in order to express what his thoughts are and to bounce stuff off of people here. We won't lamb baste him for the selfish comment. We have all started with this somewhere and all said and done stuff that in hindsight was likely not the best choice... what would we all have to talk about and learn from if we didn't! :p
 
So many responses... Thank you :)

We have been discussing this quite a lot and I know he has been doing some reading, and as a positive side you can already tell this has affected our mindset, we can for example respect each other in discussions much better than before. Definitely this work has been a positive thing in our relationship.

As for the polyamory thing, it kills me that being poly is truly what I want at this moment in my life, and he can't give me any guarantees that he would be on board.

I don't know how much it is ok to push him and how much I should just be waiting and giving him time to get on board (if he ever does)?

By pushing I don't mean finding partners for him, but pursuing my own romantic interests. My feelings for this other person are there so there's nothing he can do about that anymore.

I don't think he's a member here, he's not a discussion forum kind of person.
 
I am a little confused.

You say you've been discussing "this," that now he's reading more about it, and that you are having more mutually respectful conversations -- and yet, you don't know if he could get on board with poly nor how to ask for what you want.

Hu-u-u-uuuh? Then what have you two been talking about, exactly?

Are you being direct and asking him for definitive answers? How is it that these discussions are taking place and you still don't know... ???

What doesn't make sense to me is he made polyamory a requirement to marry him, you both spent a few years talking and learning about it, and then when you say you want to date someone, he freaks out as if he'd been blindsided, and tells you you're selfish. That sounds like he only wanted poly for himself, not you, and that he hasn't been aware or listening or really participating with you in all the talks you've had about it. Now, a couple days after your first post you say you have been discussing things quite a bit but you still don't know what his position on it is. Very puzzling to me. Are you expressing yourself in clear, direct statements? Is your husband responding at all or is he just leaving you hanging with non-answers? If the latter is the case, why do you just accept it and not require an answer?

It would seem there are big communication issues here, unless I'm just not understanding your situation as you've described it. You're going to need to get a handle on the communicating if you're going to negotiate anything for yourself and reach any agreements with him.


Oh, and I also had wanted to respond to this previously and forgot:
Sonic said:
I think that his insecurities have to do with the fact that I am much more extroverted than he is, and he feels that I can much more easily find other partners than he.
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The thing is, it's not a race. Does he think you both decide to be poly and suddenly walk out of the house together and immediately find yourselves partners at the same time? Who cares who finds someone first, or easier, or more often? It's not about collecting people to be with. It's about nurturing connections if it feels right. It's about the people, not the poly configuration. Again, you were saying what you think he might be insecure about (without knowing for sure), but this is still an unrealistic reason to be upset. If this is really what's going on in his mind, please tell him it ain't a race.

You could invite him to come here and read this thread.
 
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Were you more of an extrovert during the dating process or did you become one after you got married?

What is his plan for himself to get on board. To what length is he willing to go to finnish what he started?

If he's not the forum type of guy what about attending poly events ....face to face discussions and support?

Maybe you should find out if he's a member here and if not ask him to join with you on a blog.

Do you know if he's read any threads here member or not?

Statistically he might be right about it being easier for you but it's more related to gender than personality.
 
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I've always been more extrovert, it's in my nature. :)

dingedheart said:
Statistically he might be right about it being easier for you but it's more related to gender than personality.
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I am happy that we genderqueer folk have it easier, thanks for the info :D

I actually wrote a long response but it got accidentally erased, darn. I try to write my thoughts down again.

Now I managed to get some clarification from him. He feels that (nycindie, you're so right!) because we have communication issues, we don't have that solid foundation you should have as a couple to pursue polyamory. So we're definitely working on that, and as I've mentioned I've already seen some improvement.

However our communication is still often very defensive. He gets passive aggressive, even bordering on aggressive towards me and often I have to tell him to calm down. Hence the name calling. When he gets so upset, I actually get scared and afraid to share my thoughts and feelings. And then he gets even more frustrated that I don't say anything and so the circle goes round and round.

We have tried to communicate via email but he tends to get heated up over email too, and no amount of smilies is going to save an email discussion gone bad. And actually I think it's even worse when you can't see the other person and their reactions.

The blog thing we do have, but as for discussion groups go, I'm very skeptical he is going to be open to the idea.

But I am satisfied that now we have something concrete to work on. And maybe he can calm down after a while when he's not feeling as vulnerable.

As for the race thing, you're very right. But try telling that to him... Personally I got a lot of help from this post http://www.morethantwo.com/polyfairness.html

I very much like the morethantwo page :) It has cleared my thoughts. And yes I've read the communication article, I hope he has too.

We are going about this with baby steps so keep your insights coming :) Especially if there's anybody who feels they have been in a similar situation.
 
Maybe couples counseling for the communication issues? That sounds like a tough cycle to break out of without some help.
 
His responses to you indicate that you need more help here than we can provide. It sounds like there are some serious communication issues that need working out. His lack of skill is worrying. I don't know how you communicate but if one person is not communicating well the whole thing doesn't work. Get yourself to a counsellor that is poly friendly and who can teach you some skills.

We have some info here on communication if you are interested in finding it. Try doing a search for "communication" or "nvc" (non-violent communication) on here and on line. There is lots of info out there. Maybe you should add to his reading list books and articles on communication.
 
redpepper said:
Get yourself to a counsellor that is poly friendly and who can teach you some skills.
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Any good therapist, poly-friendly or not, can help with communication skills. All types of relationships depend on good communication, after all.

I say this just so you don't limit your self by only trying to find someone who advertises as poly-friendly - could be hard to find, depending on where you are.

But it does sound like couples therapy would make a huge difference for you.
 
nycindie said:
Any good therapist, poly-friendly or not, can help with communication skills. All types of relationships depend on good communication, after all.

I say this just so you don't limit your self by only trying to find someone who advertises as poly-friendly - could be hard to find, depending on where you are.

But it does sound like couples therapy would make a huge difference for you.
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Yes I agree it would, but there are challenges. We live in a place where it's hard to find a good therapist (I'm not going to discuss our living condition any further).

He has been very reluctant to engage in couples therapy in the past, but maybe I should try to convince him again.
 
How long did the 2 of you date prior to marrying? What was your respective dating/relationship/marriage histories? Was he involved in other non-monogamous relationships before? If so why did they end?
 
dingedheart said:
How long did the 2 of you date prior to marrying? What was your respective dating/relationship/marriage histories? Was he involved in other non-monogamous relationships before? If so why did they end?
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We dated abt two years. We have both been involved in so-to-speak non-monogamous relationships. The usual story, bad relationships with bad communication, differing needs and wants from the relationship etc.

Personally I feel like my previous "poly-ish" relationships have ended because of lack of proper communication & honesty, I believe that it's the same with him.

Hurtful shit that what some people call polyamory but what is actually fucking around :(

So now it's the first time we're both trying to build an honest polyamorous relationship based on mutual love and trust. I think we're both very hurt still from previous bad relationships.

Now we've tried some communication techniques that seem to have helped a bit :) I hope there's a turn for the best...
 
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