Struggling as "second girl"

M

Mintcar

New member
I am new here, so forgive me if my post is inadequate. I will try to keep this concise, but I do ramble.

I am a 30-year old female and have been in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple for four years. They have been married for 13 years. The wife and I are best friends and I love the man like a husband. I live with them. The thing is, I cannot help but feel like he loves her more and shows much favoritism.

Although I am the only one with a degree, they they both treat me as if I am not as intelligent as she is. He constantly refers to and defers to her for advice. When he and I go out, he calls her nonstop. He does not call me when he's out with her. He pays more attention to her. When I get upset, he says I'm too needy. She is very particular, and her needs are attended to, while I must go along for the ride. Both laugh at me often. In general, he has more deference for her and I feel like the goodtime girl. I get more sex, I think, and that's about it.

Am I being unreasonable? What are your thoughts? I need your perspective, please.
 
Wow! I was in a triad that deteriorated quickly due to insecurity of the wife. Her husband, who I also loved like my own, also deferred to her, but in our case, it was in an effort to try and reassure that eventually failed.

However, this behavior that you are describing sounds very similar. Could it be that she was initially insecure and that this deference became a habit?

Has it grown worse over the time you've been with them, or remained about the same?

Is it possible that this deference was how their relationship was before you entered the picture, so they are behaving as they always have? If this is the case, they probably just regard it as normal. If this is the case, then I agree, their interaction should have been modified somewhat to accommodate you better.

In any case, it sounds like the issue needs to be discussed.
 
Thank you, bookbug. You helped me understand what I wanted to say here.

If I heard this story about those behaviours, and you were in a relationship with only one of them, I would say it sounds abusive. I would not be happy in a relationship where I got laughed at, and my needs were not considered.

I am new to all this, and my experience has been almost exclusively mono. But that was my first thought upon reading it.
 
I do not have such experience. However, I have been with my husband for ten years. I wonder if something similar could happen. I imagine if it did, it would only be out of habit (frequent calls, seeking advice, etc.). If this is new, he may be going out of his way to show her she has nothing to fear, that he loves her the same as he always has.
 
Besides the dismissive comment about being too needy, what was his response?

Was there an agreement for equal time and focus?

Maybe you are just the good-time girl. What's your gut telling you? Actions speak louder than words.
 
Were you coming into this relationship with the understanding that you would be in more of a "secondary" role? Regardless, NO ONE deserves to be laughed at!

I stepped into an established poly MF relationship with the clearly stated and agreed-upon expectation that I would be treated as another primary, never a secondary. It never happened. When I would raise concerns like yours about not feeling included in decision-making, having my opinion heard and taken into consideration, and/or wanting a commitment from him/them to spend more time together with him/them/extended family, e.g., once a week minimum, I was told I was "too needy." I was often ignored and told I didn't seem to understand poly relationships very well! :confused: I eventually chose to leave the relationship, as I knew I wanted and deserved something better. It's been a year now and I still miss him, her, and the extended family, but NOT enough to compromise what I want, need and deserve.

Yours is not a new poly relationship. You've been together for FOUR YEARS. If the excuse is that he needs to give her more time, attention and consideration to "reassure" her, I can't imagine that she will ever be reassured enough!

Please take good care of yourself as you make a decision about what you want to do. You deserve to be treated, at minimum, with courtesy, respect and kindness.
 
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Out of curiosity, is it common for there to be two primaries? I guess I find it hard to picture two primaries in a relationship where you have been together for a very long time, and another where you have been together for a short amount of time.

I'm not saying it's excusable to be rude and treat you like you are worth less. I'm just trying to grasp the idea of multiple primaries.

Edit: I don't mean the OP in particular. Four years is quite some time.
 
vanille said:
Out of curiosity, is it common for there to be two primaries? I guess I find it hard to picture two primaries in a relationship where you have been together for a very long time, and another where you have been together for a short amount of time.
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I live with my two primaries. I call them that because when push comes to shove, and there is a need for support financially, to care for my child, or care for me, these two men are whom I depend on. One I have been married to for 10 years, and the other I have been with for three. The time and marriage I have is not worthy of more of a position in my life. I don't subscribe to that, and many don't. I also have another bf and a gf, and they are just as important, but in different ways.

It is possible to have a situation like NovemberRain's. Its possible to have any poly dynamic you choose, as long as there is responsibility to honesty, open communication, consideration, integrity and a loving base with which to start from and nurture. At least, that is what I subscribe to. The rest is up to interpretation.

NR, is this a vee you describe? You say you have been "involved with them," but that the romantic relationship is with him. That would mean a vee, but perhaps an emotional triad.

What kind of agreement do you have with them? It sounds like you aren't getting your needs met. Is it possible that after addressing how you feel, and they are unwilling or unable to change, you could find yourself another partner that would show you more attention in the way you deserve, or perhaps leave them and find someone more able to fill your needs? It just sounds like this relationship is either done, or in need of a big overhaul in terms of having some deep, open and honest conversations about what is okay and what isn't okay, as far as you are concerned.

They sound emotionally abusive and dismissive, never mind neglectful. How would you feel about telling them that is how you feel (provided you agree of, course)?
 
vanille said:
Out of curiosity, is it common for there to be two primaries? I guess I find it hard to picture two primaries in a relationship where you have been together for a very long time, and another where you have been together for a short amount of time.
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I treat my two men in a way that you could call them both primary. I've been with my husband 11 years and boyfriend about six months. The second relationship is obviously much shorter, but I can't 'do' relationships otherwise. I need this level of commitment, involvement, everyday life to feel at home in a relationship. Someone that comes along every other day, isn't involved in the important decisions of my life and so on, wouldn't satisfy me. We have completely mingled our lives and plan on continuing like this.

Granted, it has been difficult to adjust to this situation for each person involved. The most common and understandable fear of being replaced or loved less, was that of my husband when the exclusive status he had claimed up to that point in my life vanished into thin air. But that fear was shorted-lived (it was a topic for barely 3 weeks), and isn't around any longer. They feel more secure in our relationship(s) than I am, in fact, most of the time.

To the OP: I am really sorry that you have to endure such treatment. It comes across as unloving and uncaring to treat you like that. Why didn't you speak up earlier? A partner that laughs at me? Doesn't look out for my needs? Doesn't support me? Sorry, but that sounds horrible. If you haven't spoken about how you feel in this situation more than once or twice during those four years, do it now. I can't really believe that this is possible, but maybe they don't recognize what they are doing to you every day.
 
Yes, I was told I would be a primary, an equal wife. When I explain how I feel I am told that I am too needy and that I am just jealous and crazy. I am constantly reminded of how much she does and how I should be more like her. She and I are friends, but opposites. I would say he and I have more passion for each other, but he definitely respects her more, and she is the bottom line.

He had kids with her, btw. I want kids so badly, but he says no more, which I feel really messes up the ultimate power play in the dynamic.

Oh and thank you so much, everyone, I appreciate it so much. I finally feel not alone!
 
Mintcar, have you had a look at some of the other threads here on secondaries? You will find quite a few if you go to the search engine on the toolbar. There are a number of threads on "secondary," "secondaries," "hierarchy," "primary/secondary," and many others. Have a look. Maybe someone's story or thoughts will give you ideas for what you could do to improve your situation.
 
redpepper said:
NR, is this a vee you describe? You say you have been "involved with them," but that the romantic relationship is with him. That would mean a vee, but perhaps an emotional triad.
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Thanks, Redpepper. :) I was going to comment, as I was reading the definitions thread, I was uncomfortable with the distinctions between vee and triad.

I think that describes it exactly-- it's a vee and an emotional triad. They love each other very much. I always want to have sex with people I love. It's a mystery to me, their loving friendship without wanting sex (even though I'm perfectly capable of the intellectual understanding that LOTS of people don't want to have sex with their good friends).

I was deeply in love with my first bf, and involved with him for three years (in a traditional, serial-monogamy kind of way). When I broke up with him, I was still just good friends with my current bf, until one day my ovaries lit up, and we fell deeply in love, as well. I credit my current bf with reuniting our triad friendship. (I was pretty mad at first bf.) Here we are, six year later. We've been an emotional triad for about eight years.

It is, to ME, now completely romantic with both of them.
 
I'm sorry you are being treated this way. I'm in a triad with my husband and my girlfriend. We are not a vee, but a triangle. I think that is the key to how our relationship works. Given that he and I have been married for 10 years, and she has been with us for a year, it can be a struggle to make sure she is always included, but it's getting easier all the time.

The relationship I have with her is great. One thing is that she dated only women before us, so she comes at this without the expectations of 'looking to the man' to be the head of the relationship. We make decisions all together. This sometimes means a decision takes longer to make, or that there are a million texts to answer, but that's fine.

As for the children thing, I think that in any long-term relationship people have to agree on whether to have children or not. If one person wants them, and the other doesn't, it's a set-up for a lifetime of resentment and anguish. If you want children and he doesn't, is that something you're willing to compromise on?

My girlfriend would like to have children. We already have one child, and would like more, so we are discussing how to move forward. I would like to have a child with her (her pregnancy), and also bear more children myself. Even contemplating this has kept the three of us up late into the night discussing things. Having children in a poly relationship seems incredibly daunting, especially in a FFM triad, where the woman giving birth is not the legal spouse. That said, I totally think it can be done.
 
Mintcar said:
Yes, I was told I would be a primary, an equal wife. When I explain how I feel, I am told that I am too needy and that I am just jealous and crazy. I am constantly reminded of how much she does, and how I should be more like her. She and I are friends, but opposites. I would say he and I have more passion for each other, but he definitely respects her more, and she is the bottom line. He had kids with her, btw. I want kids so badly, but he says no more, which I feel really messes up the ultimate power play in the dynamic.
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Cutting the discussion off at "you're crazy" is an incredibly uncool and hurtful response. The fact that he doesn't see that is troubling, and would be, whether you were poly or not. Maybe couple's counseling is needed.

Why couldn't you have kids with someone else? Does this have to be a closed triad? Why should he have two partners, and you and she only one (since it sounds like you and she are friends, but not partners, per se)?
 
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