Falling for a guy who is poly and a bit torn on the issue

B

Bells

New member
I knew straight from the get-go that this guy Aiden was polyamorous. Pretty much the first conversation we ever had was him explaining his relationships to me. I am pretty familiar with poly relationships, but I'd never been in one. I would describe what I have done as more like open relationships. I am very open to the idea of polyamory, and have actually tried to instigate it in a few past relationships.

Here is my dilemma. Aiden is already very seriously involved with three other woman. While right now he is going tremendously out of his way to spend extra time with me, and contacts me almost every day to at least say hello, I am worried I might be the tipping point. Right now, he has his relationships balanced. From everything I understand, aside for the occasional little upsets, everyone is getting when they want/need from everyone else.

I don't want to be the girl to step into this and throw the balance off. Four is a whole lot of relationships.

I am also seeing other people, although nothing that is currently very serious. I am trying to keep Aiden at arm's length right now. I am afraid to become too emotionally invested. I do not have a history with him, like the other women do, so I can imagine if things got sticky I would be the person who would need to step away.

Part of me says this is just a bad idea, the odds are really high I am going to get hurt, and there is the possibility of me hurting other people already in his life. Another part of me says he has been doing this type of relationship a hell of a lot longer than I, and knows what he can and cannot handle, so if he thinks I could fit into his life, maybe there is space. He has never said anything along the lines of me being one too many, or that he is spreading himself too thin, but it is just my concern, trying to objectively look at it.

I know that no one here can tell me what the right decision to make is here, but maybe I can get some advice and some realistic expectations. I have been enough relationships to know that there is definitely a real spark between us, to the point that if I don't follow though with a relationship with him, I'd still want him to be part of my life as a good friend. Ack, just so frustrating-- I finally meet someone I really click with, and he has to be the most complicated man on earth. lol
 
With that much experience and that many relationships, I would hope he's very good at communication, so my advice would be: talk to him. Tell him about your concern, or even show him this post. See what he has to say about it. I would think that the person most qualified to decide if he has time for another relationship without short-changing/hurting anyone is him.

Also, since you already obviously have a connection to him and want him in your life at least as a friend, I would think giving a relationship a try would be good, if that's what you both want. At least then, no matter how it went, you wouldn't spend years wondering "What if?" Yes, I know this is a slightly selfish attitude, and I applaud you for being concerned about the other people involved, but you can't live your life true to yourself if you're making your decisions based solely on other people's needs.
 
It is a conversation we need to have. We have sort of been avoiding it, changing the topic when it comes up as to what we are.
 
Four separate relationships for one person seems like a little too much, to me. Even if he can juggle it, you wouldn't get much of his time/energy. Do you think you would be cool with that, or do you think you'd end up feeling like this? http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19512
 
AnnabelMore said:
Four separate relationships for one person seems like a little too much, to me. Even if he can juggle it, you wouldn't get much of his time/energy. Do you think you would be cool with that, or do you think you'd end up feeling like this? http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19512
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That's exactly what I am afraid of. Like I said, I am seeing other people, but I have yet to meet that person that I can take along to normal "bring your SO" occasions. I have not been looking terribly long, though.
 
Hullo and welcome!

Bells said:
Another part of me says he has been doing this type of relationship a hell of a lot longer than me and knows what he can and cannot handle. So if he thinks I could fit into his life, maybe there is space.
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Part of me wants to say yes. He is an adult. His partners are all adults, and they not your responsibility anyway. On the other hand, he may be kidding himself. With the new love interest in the picture he might be telling himself that he has more time in his life than he really does. When you are heavily attracted to someone, you cut down on sleep and free-time activities to make time for that person. You mentioned him going out of his way, but on the other hand, he has not mentioned anything about spreading himself too thin. Is the "going out of his way" your interpretation, or is there some actual evidence that he is neglecting some part of his life to make more time for you?

Are the other ladies in his life only involved with him right now? How much do you ideally think you would want to spend time with him on a weekly basis? Is that conceivable, taking into account everyone's existing commitments? The beginning stages of a new relationship, when both partners are highly motivated to spend more time together than apart, is really upsetting for most established partners. Even when physically apart, there's texting, phone convos, etc.

I take it he lives alone. Does he have any long-term plans with his other loves that you need to be aware of? Is he planning on moving in, making a legal commitment, having kids with one or more of his partners?
 
Bells said:
I have yet to meet that person that I can take along to normal "bring your SO" occasions.
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Somewhat related to my earlier post: partnering up with a man who already has three serious connections going on for him means you lose out on many of the traditional benefits of partnerships, such as social recognition, legal perks and shared economics. It doesn't have to be like that, but it most likely will be. There will be occasions when one of his other SOs has an office party on the same night your friends from out-of-town are visiting and would like to meet him. Or times when you are having tough time at work and would like to talk to him, but another SO has just lost a relative and is in dire need of consolation. If you decide to pursue this, make sure your own support networks, your own life and interests are wide and active, because regardless if you find someone to be in more of a primary situation with you or not, you will not have as much of him as someone dating monogamously would.
 
BlackUnicorn said:
Hullo and welcome!



Part of me wants to say yes, he is an adult. His partners are all adults, and not your responsibility anyway. On the other hand, he may be kidding himself. With the new love interest in the picture he might be telling himself that he has more time in his life than he really does. When you are heavily attracted to someone, you cut down on sleep and free-time activities to make time for that person. You mentioned him going out of his way, but on the other hand he has not mentioned anything about spreading himself too thin. Is the "going out of his way" your interpretation, or is there some actual evidence that he is neglecting some part of his life to make more time for you?

Are the other ladies in his life only involved with him right now? How much do you ideally think you would want to spend time with him on a weekly basis? Is that conceivable, taking into account everyone's existing commitments? The beginning stages of a new relationship, when both partners are highly motivated to spend more time together than apart, is really upsetting for most established partners. Even when physically apart, there's texting, phone convos etc.

I take it he lives alone. Does he have any long-term plans with his other loves that you need to be aware of? Is he planning on moving in, making a legal commitment, having kids with one or more of his partners?
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He has occasionally mentioned that he is skipping doing something in order to spend time with me, but never really important things, just slightly inconveniencing himself in order to spend more time with me. Not cutting into time with the other women.

All of his other partners are also seeing other people. However, he does live with one of them. He does not like to consider her his 'primary' partner, though. He has the same emotions for the others, as well (his words, not mine). However, he's planning to marry the partner he lives with.

As far as physically seeing him, I would like to be able to spend at least a few hours with him a week. It does not really matter to me if it is a long day together one week, then the following week, a couple times, for shorter periods. I like a lot of space in a relationship. The fact that he calls and/or texts me every day means a lot to me.
 
I have four relationships. The amount of time I spend with each person varies. We negotiated time down to the two that I live with being the central amount of time and in a balance; the third partner I spend social time with, and occasionally go out with separately, and the fourth I see once every four to six weeks. They all know this is all I have, and if they need more, then they have to look for other loves to fill the gap and not put it on me. I only have so much to give. While I wish time were infinite, it isn't. I love spending time with all of them. It is occasionally frustrating, but that is how it is in polyamory, so we are satisfied with what we have.

If you expect more, then I would be looking for someone who wants fewer partners, or who is monogamous. Even that isn't a guarantee of more time together, though. It's all in the negotiations, I think.

I would be more worried about how much time he spends with his primary, that is, himself. That's where I failed myself. I am working on turning that around now, as after 3-4 years, it's became evident that I was becoming resentful and unpleasant to be around as a result of self-neglect.
 
Could you talk to any of his other partners about this? As you say, you've been avoiding some of the harder conversations when the topic is "What are we? What can we be?" Perhaps he is avoiding directly asking his other partners if they think adding another relationship would be problematic for them, and discussing what it would mean.

My boyfriend has a wife and another long-term partner. When our relationship started to look like it would be lasting more than a few months, his wife and I had a bit of discussion about how two additional "serious" relationships for him was probably pushing it, time-wise. I think it is being managed okay, and everybody is tolerating it and getting their needs met, for the most part. I don't like to think about how everybody would be feeling if he wasn't staying conscious of how he was splitting his time.

If he started dating a fourth person, I can only guess what that would mean for his other two partners. But if our one date a week ended up being skipped once a month, or cut short by a couple hours here and there, so he could spend time with them, it could mean the end of our relationship. In our case, we don't talk between dates, so I don't think I'd feel like we were having the time to connect. I think I'd rather not see him at all than feel like I wasn't getting quite enough on an ongoing basis.

That said, Aiden might think it would be fine (or avoid really thinking about it practically). Some or all of his partners might think it'd be fine in theory. But unless he knows what time requirements he'd have to commit to you, so that you'd be happy dating him, and the other partners know how he would have to alter his schedule with them to accommodate him dating you, it is just a guess. Maybe one or more of them would be glad to cut down the amount of time with him so he could see you and they could have more free time to do the laundry!

Good luck.
 
I just thought I would update this. I finally had a really (really) long conversation with Aiden about what was going on. We talked a lot about realistic expectations from each other. Part of me is still worried about about how little of his time I am actually going to be getting, but he is someone I really want in my life, even if it is on a somewhat inconsistent basis.

Wish me luck.
 
Hi Bells,

So... yeah. I'm in a relationship with a guy who has three other partners and an infant. 16 months in, I'm at a crossroads about where I want to be. However, my recommendation would still be to give it a try. I fell in love and had some great experiences with my SO. I hope to have more with him still, maybe as partners, maybe just as friends. You know that you want this guy in your life in some way. This is definitely one way. :) The NRE you both have will probably mask some issues, like time management, but isn't that the case with all new relationships?

I do recommend getting any preconceived ideas and expectations out on the table as soon as possible. What do you each think the relationship will look like? How much communication are you each comfortable with? (Hopefully, a lot. You mentioned he likes to text.) I've found that text conversations help avoid some frustrations and awkward adjustments at the beginning. Of course, you want the relationship to grow organically, and things can and will change.

Have you met his girlfriends? One of the things that really recommended my partner to me was that I was comfortable with his OSOs. They seemed thoughtful and sane. It gave me more confidence in the whole situation. Good luck!
 
Bells, it sounds like you are being practical and thoughtful about it. Communication is important and so is observing behavior. The amount of time a person decides to devote to their relationship(s) depends on how important relationships are to them.

There are plenty of people who want to have a relationship but they aren't interested in spending time nurturing it.

I have always had multiple emotionally-intimate relationships, before I knew I was was "polyamorous," when I was in elementary school, through high school, and ever since then. There have been many times when people have said to me, "I don't know how you can juggle so many relationships." But it's not juggling to me; it's who I am. Most of what I value in life can be experienced through intimate relationships, therefore I like to have a variety of them, and I always have.

So, being polyamorous might not have a lot to do with it, in his case. The question might be: is he one of those people who has always had a variety of emotionally-intimate relationships that he likes to "juggle," because that's just who he is? :unsure:
 
idealist said:
"I don't know how you can juggle so many relationships" ... it's not juggling to me. It's who I am. Most of what I value in life can be experienced through intimate relationships. I like to have a variety of them, and I always have.
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I love how you put this! I very much agree. (y)
 
It is sort of funny you guys said that, because in different words, that is very much how the conversation went. He explained to me how, even though there are a lot of people in his life, it does not make him care less for one when he is caring more for another.

I am thinking I am making the right decision with how I am going about this with him.

I am really not having trouble with the whole poly thing, or meeting other people who are poly, as I have been dating a bit myself. It is strange though, that I am not one of those people who has 'always known this is how I am,' and more, 'I think I may have stumbled upon something that really fits me'?
 
Bells said:
Is it strange that I am not one of those people who has 'always known this is how I am,' and more, 'I think I may have stumbled upon something that really fits me'?
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Not strange at all. There generally seem to be two camps. One is the type of person who identifies as being polyamorous, like it's a gender or sexual orientation. Those tend to be the people who say, "I've always known I was polyamorous," or, "Finally, I have a word for what I am." They see polyamory as integral to who they are, part of their nature.

The other camp sees polyamory as a structure for relationships, a practice, an approach, without feeling like it's who they are. (I include myself in this camp.) These people tend to view polyamory not as an identity, but simply as a way of life we can choose or not. If polyamory seems to be the right fit for now, we embrace it, and leave room for the possibility of monoamory, if that feels right at some point.

There are so many ways to live polyamorously. Don't worry about what others are doing, other than looking to someone with experience for some advice. There's no one single way to "do poly," so just make sure it feels right for you.
 
nycindie said:
There generally seem to be two camps. One is the type of person who identifies as being poly, like it's a gender or sexual orientation. Those tend to be the people who say, "I've always known I was poly," or, "Finally, I have a word for what I am." They see poly as integral to who they are, and part of their nature.

The other camp sees polyamory as a structure for relationships, a practice, an approach, without feeling like it's who they are. (I include myself in this camp.) These people tend to view polyamory not as an identity, but simply as a way of life we can choose or not. If polyamory seems to be the right fit for now, we embrace it, and leave room for the possibility of monoamory, if that feels right at some point.

There are so many ways to live polyamorously. Don't worry about what others are doing, other than looking to someone with experience for some advice. But there's no one single way to "do poly," so just make sure it feels right for you.
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Can I steal this for the "lessons learned" thread? Or would you like to post it there? You have explained it so well here.
 
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