I'm the 'other woman'

Dinged, wow. I am speechless. You have hit the nail right on the head here.

I also believe that something triggered them to open their relationship. In the beginning, I believed (and was led to believe) that it was just because, after being together so long, things got complacent, stagnant, loss of passion, boredom set in. But as I peeled away the layers, I realized there was more to it. And what you just stated is the same conclusion I have come to.

But I tread lightly. I don't want to violate their privacy. I listen quietly and offer love and comfort as Jared has started to open up. I pass no judgement.

It's a tricky situation for everyone.

As I said before, I love him and want what is best for him. I know that he loves me, and that he also loves Julie deeply, and I accept that. His compassion and ability to love is what drew me to him. Asking him to change that would mean asking him to change himself, and I don't want that. I love him the way he is... I just miss him a lot in the time we don't spend together and wish that it could be more frequent. All I can do is ask.
 
Oh, I'm unsure who called the shots before the illness.

If I had to guess, it would have been Julie. Jared is very easy-going, go with the flow, keep it simple. She's more the planner, as am I.

In many ways, we are very alike. So I've tried to reach out to her. But she isn't the easiest to get to know. She seems to try, maybe for his sake. But outside of him, she's kind of withdrawn from me. Again, I keep trying. It sounds utopian, but I really do want us all to get along.
 
If you could go back in time and speculate on what this would look like had you met him shortly after they opened up their relationship (and without the illness) how would things look today? It might be impossible to remove the illness because it plays such a large role in this, but give it a shot.

By whom and how were your date times decided?

Her shift in attitude towards him, maybe out of self preservation-- "Oh fuck, I could actually lose my nurse/piss boy if I keep this up. I better be nicer to him. This is getting serious." Which could explain the duality of her behavior in a group setting, versus the colder persona when alone with you.
 
Dinged, I have been thinking about your question all day.

What if... what if... what if...?

Honestly, if Julie hadn't gotten ill, and the lack of physical intimacy between them had continued, even though she did share that with another man, I believe that they would have split up eventually. But not necessarily for me; Jared has met a number of lovely ladies that would have gladly stuck around had his situation been different.

She is very dependent on him, no question, financially, and physically, as her caregiver. How you stated it is sometimes what I see. If he does sense that too, it's unbeknownst to me.

Hence my confusion here this week... So many layers to peel, and I don't know how to do that without putting him on the defensive of her.

The week apart leaves me with too much time to think and fear and doubt. Yet I know that as soon as he is with me tomorrow, all will be well again. And I'll feel silly for baring my soul like this. Lol
 
My thought behind the "what if" time-machine question was trying to filter out the illness, duty, obligation and honor and focus on matters of the heart. I think from that perspective your relationship is actually stronger.

I think looking at the historical aspects of this, where people may have been hurt, can only help you to understand how and why these people behave the way they do in this dynamic.

In particular, learning Julie's early history or motivations could help you adjust your interactions with her. For example, possibly changing the view from the loving poly partner, to a sick friend of a friend (if you had that view).

I'm very sure time together is very much needed and will feel great. Enjoy. I don't think you should feel silly for asking some questions and kicking around some ideas that may validate some thoughts or feelings. I wouldn't.

Hope you have a great weekend,
dinged
 
So, here's the update. I finally had some quality time with Jared last night. He slept here and stayed until after lunch today. It was great. We did need some repair time. Get this...

So he told me last night that he was concerned for his Julie. Ever since we returned from vacation, she has been withdrawn. So she finally told him this week that she was upset with him and me. She didn't understand the depth of our feelings for each other. She thought I was being a cowgirl as such, being so touchy-feely with him.

She told him that she thought I was catty towards her, in that I would purposely give her my iPad with pictures of him and me left on there for her to see!

The problem is that NONE OF THAT IS TRUE!

She also told him things that I supposedly said to her in passing about private conversations that he and I had shared. Again, I DID NOT. These are things that she only would have know if she had read my journal! I felt so violated. I wondered if she had read it one time after a night that he and I went out. We came back a little early, and I saw the light go off quickly in our room. I assumed that she was returning my iPad to my room, as she would use it while we were out. I noticed that my journal didn't look like it was where I had left it, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she would never violate my privacy like that. I guess I was wrong. 😡

He finally outright told her that we were actually in love with each other. She wanted reassurance that he wasn't going to leave her, which he gave. She said she felt sad over the fun he and I were having. She reminded him that I'm the fun one, and she's the everyday life. She played the burdened-with-sick-spouse card; he was racked with guilt.

So I'm sitting there, listening to this last night. I very carefully dip my toe in the water to say that I figured that she had an issue with me. and I also figured that it stemmed from the fact that she wasn't aware that we were at the next level, and no longer just "fuck friends." And I told him about my experience with her passive-aggressiveness, and her catty comments directed at me.

I swore on all that was holy that I had never left anything for her to see on purpose; that if she saw pics, then it was because she snooped through my stuff. And besides, my kids use that iPad. There was nothing bad to see, just pics of him and me together on the beach cuddled close, nothing bad. Nothing that should have upset her anyway, as she witnessed most of that with her own two eyes.

And I told him that she must have read my journal. I told him how it upset me to watch him reach out to her these past 2 years, watching as she flinched as he touched her, saw his pain in the loss of intimacy with her. And I said I didn't know how to fix that for him. He said she doesn't react like that when they are alone. There is no flinching, but also no sex.

I'm so confused by it all.

Jared said that when she told him that earlier this week, he was disappointed. He tried to give me the benefit of the doubt, but she was adamant. When I told him my side, his reaction? "Pooooooooor Julie! How scared and desperate she must have felt to lash out like that."

Excuse me? I'm on the defensive over the BS she gave him about me and poor her? Ugh!

Well, the good news is that now she knows he is in love with me. And now that she's been assured that he's not leaving her, she SAYS that she is okay with him and me seeing each other. I'm a very intuitive person and I know there's more to it. I have a feeling she may have asked him to stop seeing me, to which he said no, he couldn't, and wouldn't, because he was in love with me. But he will never tell me that.

I'm not going to lie-- what Julie said had me feeling wrongfully accused and backed into a corner, at a complete disadvantage to her, and put a damper on our night. One night a week, and she's managed to wreck that too. It was an emotional night. We talked a lot. I cried a little. As I said, there was a lot of repairing, but no resolution on how I was feeling towards Julie and what she did. I am trying to understand that she was lashing out in fear and insecurity. But I'm hurt that it was at my expense and I was forced into a defensive role.

She's the victim. Poor, sick, innocent, sweet, do-no-wrong Julie.

So... where do I go from here? I want for the three of us to coexist peacefully, more as a team. But I feel threatened and hurt by this. And on the other hand, I feel like he really did stand up for me in asking for her acceptance of me in his life. But what if one day she enforces a veto power over me?

The prior posts on here are so right. Open relationship vs polyamory. Julie said that she was okay with polyamory until it happened to her. She knew he had fuck friends and that was fine. She said that she believed in and supported polyamory, when it was to her advantage with the guy she was seeing. But now he's gone and Jared is in love with someone else, and she lashes out at me, and not him, for not being totally honest.

Now she SAYS she is okay with it, but is she really? I've 'fessed up, with the risk of appearing difficult, about her now-explained attitude towards me. He's 'fessed up to being in love with me. She's claiming to be okay with it, after a mouthful of lies about me.

How do I handle this in light of her less-than-accepting attitude towards me?
 
Last edited:
When will this passing on of information stop? I don't think Jared knows that he is contributing to the discomfort of everyone involved by telling you what Julie told him, when these are all things you should be hearing for yourself from her mouth.

Also, cut him some slack in his defense of her. He sees her as someone he needs to protect, and she may be feeling ways that she didn't feel before you came along. The urge to defend her is that much stronger, because he cares.

I don't think there will be any resolution of anything, including the lack of focus on your feelings, until there is a serious talk between all of you, and also between you and her. This can't work if you see one another as opposing forces.
 
Hence my dilemma. I have TRIED to talk to her, but she simply will not. She avoids all opportunities for us to talk privately. And, based on her telling him these blatant lies, violating my privacy, why would she want an honest conversation with me? There is nothing honest about it on her end.

As you can see here, by my posts, and from how I have communicated with him, I have no problem with providing my thoughts.

I'm not trying to be an opposing force; I am trying to work together, which he clearly recognizes.

And I do cut him slack in defending her. He should. I just hope that he offers me the same courtesy.
 
Man, newtoday, that hurts to read. That is a tough way to live poly.

I get one night a week, too, but there are opportunities for overlap time when the metamours are together. These are positive experiences and add to the individual relationships, because we all get along well. There's an undercurrent of support for the whole structure which I didn't properly appreciate until I read your post.

One of my SO's requirements in a relationship is that he is allowed to talk positively about his girlfriends to his girlfriends. If someone doesn't want to hear nice things, that's a potential flag.

If I were in your position, I think I would have to check in with myself to be sure stability wasn't a need in that relationship. How can you know from one week to the next what you're going to get, from Jared or Julie, even if he loves you with all his heart? How can you find trust in that scenario when she is determined to erode it? And the more she hinders communication, the easier it is to erode the trust.

In theory, another relationship could provide some stability for you, but it's not reasonable for me to tell someone to just go out there and find another great love. Sure, no problem! That process is working so well for me. :rolleyes:

I'm not much help, but I'm rooting for you.
 
Last edited:
PaperGrace, your supportive words and empathy certainly did help.

I'm trying so hard for this to work! For all of us! It's nice to know that someone is rooting for me. :). Thank you so much!
 
newtoday said:
Hence my dilemma. I have TRIED to talk to her, but she simply will not. She avoids all instances for us to talk privately. And based on her telling him these blatant lies, violating my privacy, why would she want an honest conversation with me? There is nothing honest about it on her end.

As you can see here, by my posts and from how I have communicated with him, I have no problem with providing my thoughts. I'm not trying to be an opposing force, I am trying to work together, which he clearly recognizes.

And I do cut him slack in defending her. He should. I just hope that he offers me the same courtesy.
Click to expand...

Hmm... At this point, I think the only thing you can do is let him know how you feel. I'd really desire some space at this point, because people not coming forward with their issues stresses me out. But I'm sure that's the last thing you want.
 
I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and comments and feedback.

Rereading these posts tonight, I see the raw emotion of them, the often irrational thoughts coming out of my head, unfiltered, as I try to make my way through this complicated journey. Many of them come out of fear, anxiety, insecurities, that, when clearer heads prevail, seem so irrational, thar I'm almost embarrassed that I voiced them to begin with.

I'm just scared and confused sometimes. Being in love with someone who loves another more than me is hardly ideal, but because of how I feel about him, I want to try my hardest to make it work. And I really do believe I can.

Tonight, reading these again, my true fear is that I've done nothing but make myself, my love Jared, and Julie just look bad, and that's simply not true. We are all trying our best.

He's read these threads. And for the most part, it's unfair to him and Julie to have my raw, irrational thoughts on display. As I said to him, when clearer heads prevail, those irrational thoughts dissipate. But the damage is done once it's put on paper.

That said, I'm going to shut up now. Anything I need to work through, I'll do it quietly, in my own head, or directly with him.

Thanks again for all your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

Good luck and be happy!
 
The basis for your thread was to gain understanding and guidance on how to make this situation work out for everyone. You said repeatedly you wanted a good relationship with Julie and that you wanted the dynamic to work. Also, you said that one day a week was not enough for you. This, to me, is what he should be taking away from this thread. That is the bottom-line intent, right?
 
newtoday said:
I'm just scared and confused sometimes. Being in love with someone who loves another more than me is hardly ideal, but because of how I feel about him, I want to try my hardest to make it work. And I really do believe I can.

Tonight, reading these again, my true fear is that I've done nothing but make myself, my love Jared, and Julie just look bad, and that's simply not true. We are all trying our best.
Click to expand...

You have no reason to feel this way, really. Every one of us here knows that it is impossible to share every shade and nuance of a relationship, or describe all the things about a person there is to know in posts on a message board. People often come here to ask for advice or opinions on problems, and we give feedback. We all know there is more to a situation, love relationship, or person than the words describing a problem. These threads are simply small slices of people's lives, or what we struggle with. You feel a little embarrassed, but no one in your situation looks like a bad person, and we are all strangers anyway. Don't worry about that!

Don't think you have to stay away because you're embarrassed. I hope the threads here have been helpful to you!
 
dingedheart said:
The basis for your thread was to gain understanding and guidance on how to make this situation work out for everyone. You said repeatedly you wanted a good relationship with Julie, and you wanted the dynamic to work. Also, you said that one day a week was not enough for you. This, to me, is what he should be taking away from this thread. That is the bottom-line intent, right?
Click to expand...

Dinged, yes, you are right. I do want a good relationship for all three of us. It's my #1 goal. Thank you again. :)

NYCindie, yes, of course they have been helpful. Every experience is one of learning and growth. Thank you so much for your understanding. :)
 
newtoday said:
Jared has read these threads. And for the most part, it's unfair to him and Julie to have my raw, irrational thoughts on display. As I said to him, when clearer heads prevail, those irrational thoughts dissipate. But the damage is done once it's put on paper.

That said, I'm going to shut up now. Anything I need to work through, I'll do it quietly, in my own head, or directly with him.
Click to expand...

This scares me. I spent 18 years trying to "quietly" work stuff through "in my own head," and it almost landed me divorced. It can be extremely hard to work through the irrational thoughts, without sharing it with people who will help you work through it and/or writing it down. I have discovered that once I write it down, I can dissect it easier, and days later see how irrational it might have been, especially if I can get feedback from others (who won't judge me). However, the whole process helps me get to the actual root of the problem.

My question-- is Jared telling you to work it out for yourself without seeking any help, or is that where your mind took you?

As far as you making them sound like the bad guys, I really don't think anyone here saw it that way. When dealing with three people, there are always three sides, and each one of them has their own fears, insecurities and pasts that play into the situation. Communication is key.
 
SNeacail said:
My question-- is he telling you to work it out for yourself, without seeking any help, or is that where your mind took you?
Click to expand...

No, he isn't telling me that at all. He is sad that I'm even in this situation to have the need to seek the help.

He feels I deserve better. Even sharing him, I just want him. I don't want anyone else. :(
 
newtoday said:
He's read these threads. And for the most part, it's unfair to him and his S/O to have my raw , irrational thoughts on display. As I said to him, when clearer heads prevail, those irrational thoughts dissipate. But the damage is done once its put on paper.
Click to expand...

I don't think it's unfair to him or anyone that you sought out support and feedback. You wanted to hear from others with experience in polyamory. Hopefully, getting out of your head and seeing some other perspectives made you feel less isolated, even if it changed nothing.

I read multiple instances of you defending both Jared and Julie when you thought the responses were missing information. I hope he saw that, too.

To back up what NYCindie said, we all do understand that we're only getting one side, and you have no need to feel embarrassed about telling your story. Everyone's story is their own. We are a few people that you, Jared and Julie are never going to meet. No harm has been done. :)

I'm glad he read the thread so he could learn more about your feelings, whether "crazy," irrational, or actually valid as they are. It's better than keeping unorganized emotions bottled up for the next meltdown, no? Given you only see each other once a week, I know how slowly conversations can go. This probably sped communication up a bit.

Good luck. I hope to still see you (and maybe him, too?) around the forum.
 
PaperGrace said:
I read multiple instances of you defending both Jared and Julie when you thought the responses were missing information. I hope he saw that, too.
Click to expand...
Thank you, PG. :) I hope that, out of all the stuff he read, that he got that idea, too.

I did get value out of this, reading and hearing about other's experiences. It did help clear my head. I called it, to him, a journal with feedback. :)

You've been great! Thank you so much. I will be around here, just a little more reserved in my comments. :eek:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top