My boyfriend is upset, can you overcome jealousy issues?

[dingedheart]

I can't see how cleverly avoiding or spinning those types of questions makes the problem better or go away. Answering like a politician, giving a non-answer, misdirection, spinning, does in effect answer the question.

"I don't like questions like that. It upsets me." Response: "WHY? Why would that simple question upset you, outside of the fact you don't want to hurt my feelings? Why?" See how this could slide?

Let's say you can say all the words right, phrase it perfectly, spin it beautifully. Your energy, body language, your eyes could all give the opposite message, which could cause other problems revolving around honesty in words, and basic trust issues.

The idea that Geoff is being fed something from an outside source seems like a huge leap, not knowing him, his history, and friends and family. Also, let's not forget he's not "enough." He doesn't need an additional third party to tell him that. She's been telling him that twice a week, and on some weekends, for a year or two.

 

[Brid75]

Hi Aurelie,

I've lurked on this forum for a while, but have never posted until now. I'm also from London.

A few years ago, I found myself in a very similar position to what you find yourself in now, and I wanted to give you some advice.

First off, to answer your question, yes, you can overcome Geoff's jealousy and keep both him and Ewan. I have done this with my husband. It's not a given, though.

It sounds like you want to continue with your poly relationship, but Geoff isn't so keen. As it's something you want, you need to be the one who takes responsibility for it. You need to be the one to make it happen.

So, Geoff is messing things up for you by being jealous, and asking questions about how he measures up sexually to Ewan. His questions make you feel guilty, and you don't know how to answer them. You can do one of two things:

A. Allow the current situation to continue by avoiding the issue, and therefore allowing it to fester and get worse... or
B. Take positive steps. You need to nip these questions in the bud. Short-term pain for long-time gain.

Reading between the lines, and without getting too graphic about it, your situation is this:

Geoff is the gentle, sensitive, loving type and this is how he acts in bed. You say he is good looking and in great shape. You say your sex life is good and that he is considerate to your needs. So this means that you are sexually attracted to him, and he does turn you on, and he does make sure you get off. It sounds to me like you have a good sex life with him. But also, the harsh truth is that he does not and cannot satisfy you sexually, not fully.

You say Ewan is very well endowed. His equipment is twice the size of Geoff's.
He has amazing self control. He lasts much longer then Geoff during intercourse.
Sex with him is very exciting. There is nothing that you two haven't tried. He is much more adventurous than Geoff.
You very rarely go out, because he can make love to you all night, multiple times. Geoff can't.
He makes you have orgasms in a way that Geoff cannot and never will; your orgasms are much more intense with him; he gives you a lot more of them than Geoff can. And he can do this because of his size, staying power and natural god-given talents as a stud, talents that Geoff does not have, and cannot acquire or be taught by you or anyone else.

Am I correct with these assumptions?

Okay, let's address the penis issue first. Geoff's is small/average. Ewan's is huge. Geoff keeps asking if Ewan's dick is bigger than his. You don't know how to answer him.

If he asks again, I would suggest that you tell him the truth. There's no need to tell him Ewan's penis is twice the size of his. Just tell him that, yes, he does have a big dick. I think he knows this already, simply because you refuse to answer the question. Once you answer him, he won't need to ask again. It's not the end of the world, and he will get over it.

Geoff wants to know how he measures up in bed when compared to Ewan. As advised by others, I think you should try the 'You're different, and I enjoy you both' approach first.

Boyfriend
===================
Gentle
Loving
Considerate

Lover
==================
Forceful
Domineering
Confident

They sound like polar opposites to me. Point this out to Geoff, and tell him that you enjoy them both, but for the opposite reasons. Tell him that's why you need them both. Remind him that you told him that you needed Ewan from the beginning.

He may not settle for this. He might simply want an answer to, 'Who do you prefer in bed, me or him?' My husband wanted to know this. If Geoff wants the same, I suggest that, again, you tell him the truth. He will be hurt. (My husband was.) But, again, it's not the end of the world and he will get over it. (My husband did.)

It will put an end to your current situation, and the two of you can rebuild, and decide what to do from there.

You also say that you love them both. Let's put sex to one side for a minute. It's important, but it's not everything.

You say this about the two men in your life:


Boyfriend
==================
Kind.
Funny.
Charming.
Gentle.
Easy to be with.
Great fun.
A great dad.

Lover
==============
I love him in spite of myself.
I don't like him that much.
Other than sex, we don't have much going for us.

Aurelie, it sounds to me that you love Geoff a whole lot more. I've got to say, by your description of him, he does sound special, a real keeper. You say that he has shown both you and your son great kindness, and that he looks after you both, and that he is very demonstrative and affectionate to you and your boy. You say he comes first. And so he should. It's not just about the love you share together, but also the love that your son shares with him.

Tell Geoff that he comes first. Tell him you love him more, and keep telling him, until he knows it and feels it. Return his affection and reassure him with your words and actions. And then reassure him again. I promise you, his jealousy is about more than just sex. Make sure that he knows that you, he and your son are a family, and that Ewan, or anything/anyone else, will never change that.

You say he has a sex drive that matches your own. Make sure you don't neglect him and that he never goes without the sex and love that he needs.

I hope that you can keep your lovely boyfriend, and that your love blossoms, and that your son continues to get the great father he has now. I also hope that you can keep your lover and that he continues to give you the sexual satisfaction you deserve.

I have done just that, and you can also.

Good luck.

 

[Brid75]

Also, you were with Ewan before Geoff. How does Ewan feel about Geoff? Is he jealous?

 

[Aurelie26]

Also, you were with Ewan before Geoff. How does Ewan feel about Geoff? Is he jealous?

Well, Ewan has nothing to be jealous about, does he? He's the cocky type. He knows how good in bed he is. He knows that he's got what I need.

Having said that, I also have what he needs, so it works well.

Yes, he has asked about Geoff. He has said shitty things about him. He also gets a weird kick out of the fact that Geoff is at home, looking after my son, while we are having sex. He likes the fact that Geoff knows, and does nothing about it.

Unlike with Geoff, though, I can be rude to Ewan. I tell him to shut up.

Also, he will say that if he wanted to, he could take me away from Geoff at any time. Like I said, he's arrogant. It turns me on, in a way.

He's wrong, though. He couldn't.

 

[Aurelie26]

Hi Aurelie, I've lurked on this forum for a while now but have never posted until now. I'm also from London and a few years ago i found myself in a very similar position to what you find yourself in now and I wanted to give you some advice.

First off, To answer your question, yes you can overcome your boyfriends jealousy and keep both him and your lover. I have done this with my husband, it's not a given though.

It sounds like you want to continue with your poly relationship but your boyfriend isnt so keen. As its something you want, YOU need to be the one who takes responsibility for it and you need to be the one to make it happen.

So your boyfriend is messing things up for you by being jealous and asking questions about how he measures up sexually with your lover. Questions that make you feel quilty, and that you dont know how to answer You can do one of two things.

A. Allow the current situation to continue by avoiding the issue and therefore allowing it to fester and get worse.....Or
B. Take positive steps. You need to nip these questions in the bud. Short term pain for long time gain.

Reading between the lines and without getting to graphic about it, your situation is this.

Your boyfriend is the gentle, sensitive, loving type and this is how he acts in bed. You say he is good looking and in great shape and you say your sex life is good and that he is considerate to your needs. So this means that you are sexually attracted to him and he does turn you on and he does make sure you get off. It sounds to me like you have a good sex life with your boyfriend, but also, the harsh truth is that he does not and cannot satisfy you sexually, not fully.

You say your lover is very well endowed (Twice the size of your boyfriends) and has amazing self control (He lasts much longer then your boyfriend) Sex with him is very exciting and there is nothing that we haven't tried.(He is much more adventurous than your boyfriend) You very rarely go out (He can make love to you all night, multiple times & your boyfriend cant) He makes you have orgasms in a way that your boyfriend cannot and never will. (Your orgasms are much more intense with him and he gives you a lot more of them than your boyfriend can, and he can do this because of his size, staying power and natural god given talents as a stud, talents that your boyfriend does not have and cannnot acquire or be taught by you or anyone else) Am i correct with these assumptions?


O.K, lets address the penis issue first. Your boyfriend is small/average and your lover is huge? Your boyfriend keeps asking if your lover is bigger than him, and you dont know how to answer him! If he asks again, I would suggest that you tell him the truth. Theres no need to tell him your lovers penis is twice the size, just tell him that, yes, he does have a big dick. I think he knows this already, simply because you refuse to answer the question. Once you answer him he wont need to ask again. It's not the end of the world and he will get over it.

Your boyfriend wants to know how he measures up in bed when compared to your lover. As advised by others I think you should try the 'Your different, and I enjoy you both' approach first.

Boyfriend
===================
Gentle
Loving
Considerate

Lover
==================
Forceful
Domineering
confident

They sound like polar opposites to me, point this out to your boyfriend and tell him that you enjoy them both, but for the opposite reasons. Tell him thats why you need them both, and remind him that you told him that you needed your lover from the beginning.

He may not settle for this, he might want a simple, who do you prefer in bed, me or him? My husband wanted to know this. If your boyfriend wants the same, I suggest that, again, you tell him the truth. He will be hurt (My husband was) but, again, it's not the end of the world and he will get over it. (My husband did)

It will put an end to your current situation, and the two of you can rebuild, and decide what to do from there.

You also say that you love them both. Lets put sex to one side for a minute. It's important, but it's not everything. Reading your posts you say this about the two men in your life.


Boyfriend
==================
Kind.
Funny.
Charming.
Gentle.
Easy to be with.
Great fun.
A great Dad.

Lover
==============
I love him in spite of myself.
I dont like him that much
Other than sex, we dont have much going for us.

Aurelie, it sounds to me that you love your boyfriend a whole lot more, and I've got to say, by your description of him, he does sound special, a real keeper. You say that he has shown both you and your son great kindness and that he looks after you both and that he is very demonstative and affectionate to you and your boy. You say he comes first, and so he should. It's not just about the love you share together, but also the love that your son shares with him.

Tell your boyfriend that he comes first, tell him you love him more and keep telling him until he knows it and feels it. Return his affection and reassure him with your words and actions and then reassure him again. I promise you, his jealousy is about more than just sex. Make sure that he knows that you, him and your son are a family, and that your lover or nothing else will ever change that.

You say he has a sex drive that matches your own, make sure you dont neglect him and he never goes without the sex and love that he needs.

I hope that you can keep your lovely boyfriend and that your love blossoms and that your son continues to get the great Father he has now. I also hope that you can keep your lover and that he continues to give you the sexual satisfaction you deserve.

I have done just that, and you can also.

Good luck.

You're right. We can't go on like this, and it's me that has to get things right.

Your assumptions about my boyfriend and lover are also correct.

You're also right about me loving Geoff more than Ewan.

I do always give Geoff the love and sex he needs. We are both very touchy-feely with each other. When I talk to him this week, I will make sure that I let him know even more than usual just how much both Max and I love him, because we are a family.

Thanks so much for your great advice. It really makes sense to me. I think that I will do as you advise.

 

[Aurelie26]

Well, if you're feeling awkward to answer that, you don't have to hide feeling awkward. We always think we have to project some kind of image that we're totally together. But there is nothing wrong with letting him know his question flusters or upsets you.

I would say this: "Why are you asking me that? I don't like questions like that. It upsets me and I don't know how to answer you. You are both different and I enjoy sex with both of you in different ways. It's not about penis size, it's about the person I'm with. I'm not that shallow, so I wish you would stop asking me these kinds of questions. Now, what is this about? Why have you started to focus so much on what I do with Ewan, and what he's like? Don't you know how much I love and care about you?"

Whenever someone seems to be okay with a situation, and then suddenly starts asking questions and getting bent out of shape about it, oftentimes it's because they've been talking to people who judge the situation and poison them with negativity. It's possible that your bf might have been influenced by a friend or acquaintance who made comments about things like that. You know, some guys will say, "She gets it somewhere else because you're not enough of a man for her," and shit like that. So, I would also ask him if someone has been feeding him that kind of bullshit. And then tell him that those people have no right to make comments like that because they don't know you or the situation, so he shouldn't even listen to them.

No, I don't think he has been influenced by a friend or acquaintance. He would never tell anyone about this. He would be too embarrassed about it. He may be thinking he's not man enough to satisfy me, though, but it would have been something he had thought himself.

We have separate friends, and only my two best friends know, and they would never say anything to anybody.

My friends are pissed off with me, though, because they really like Geoff, and think what I'm doing is cruel.

 

[Aurelie26]

I can't see how cleverly avoiding or spinning those type questions makes the problem better or go away. Answering like a politician ...a non answer, misdirection, spin does in effect answer the question. "I don't like questions like that. It upsets me" Response: "Why? Why would that simple question upset you? Outside of the fact you don't want to hurt my feelings, why?" See how this could slide?

Let's say you can say all the words right, phrase it perfectly, spin it beautifully. Your energy, body language, your eyes can all give the opposite message, which could cause other problems revolving around honesty in words, basic trust issues.

The idea he's being fed something from an outside source seems like a huge leap, not knowing him, his history, and friends and family. Also lets not forget he's not enough. He doesn't need an additional third party to tell him that. She's been telling him that twice a week for a year or two?

I think you're right. I'm no good at lying, anyway, not to him. And me not answering him, or fumbling over myself, just means he will keep asking.

 

[Aurelie26]

Once again, thanks everyone.

I'm going to have a good talk with Geoff this week. Hopefully it will go well. I'll let you know.

 

[dingedheart]

I don't see how this could work long term. You and Ewan are getting off on some cuckold-type thing at the expense of the guy watching your kid. Consciously or subconsciously, this will bleed through. Hell, it may have already.

How much contact do they have with each other?

God, I hope your bf never reads this thread.

 

[Anneintherain]

Well my lover has nothing to be jealous about, does he? He's the cocky type. He knows how good in bed he is. He knows that he's got what I need.

Having said that, I also have what he needs, so it works well. Yes, he has asked about Geoff, and has said shitty things about him. He also gets a weird kick out of the fact that Geoff is at home, looking after my son, while we are having sex. He likes the fact that Geoff knows, and does nothing about it.

Unlike with Geoff though, I can be rude to Ewan. I tell him to shut up. Also, he will say that if he wanted to, he could take me from Geoff at anytime. Like I said, he's arrogant. It turns me on, in a way.

He's wrong, though. He couldn't.

I feel really sad about this. I would break up with somebody who behaved like that, and if I said shut up and they ever brought it up again, that would be it. It doesn't seem very loving to date somebody who speaks badly of another partner.

I think it's horrible to let Geoff stay at home babysitting at all, after hearing this. At the very least, it seems like you should have babysitting from another source every time you have a date with Ewan.

The fact that Geoff knows and does nothing about it? Why would he do anything about it? You are in a poly relationship. You are on a date. Is he supposed to come kick Ewan's ass, or something?

Is Ewan even poly? It doesn't sound like it.

In my life, at least, polyamory is supposed to enhance my life and bring more love into it. That means partners having respect for my husband, at the very least. I'm wondering if you're purposefully participating in cuckolding instead of polyamory, and if Geoff senses it and is an unwilling participate in it. If so, no wonder he isn't thrilled with the situation.

You said, "The problem started when Ewan and I went away for a weekend together. Geoff asked me not to go, but I did." You also said, "Geoff comes first." Those two things contradict each other. After rereading the thread, and having some other input, and seeing that Geoff was stuck taking care of your (no doubt wonderful) child while you went on a trip with Ewan, after Geoff asked you to not go, I do have to suggest the alternative that unless you are going to stop taking advantage of your laid-back but miserable boyfriend, maybe you should break up with him, since you are unable to give up the lover that isn't poly, and thinks your boyfriend is an object of ridicule.

 

[Mudita]

Hi,

I've been lurking here for a while. This is my first post. By way of intro, I'm a 40-yo Australian male that had one poly relationship back in the day. I was totally not ready for poly and so I quickly ended up single again.

Whilst my poly experience is very limited, being a man who's insecure about his average-sized wiener is something I'm much better versed in. I feel like I'm a lot better in this regard these days and so I figured I'd post in the hope that some of it may be useful. Bear in mind that I have by no means completely moved on from this, so the whole lot is probably complete bs.

Dingedheart, I agreed that sounds like trouble, but I also agree with this:
http://www.nerve.com/advice/savage-love/savage-love-35

Anywho, a couple of impressions from a million miles away:
- It sounds to me like Geoff having trouble with poly in general, and that the size issue is just one symptom.
- Over the course of the time together, Geoff's feelings have developed and deepened for you, so he probably loves you more, but is also more jealous
- Just because you were upfront about Ewan when you first met Geoff, and he agreed, doesn't mean he was okay with it then or now. That's his issue, but if you want to your relationship to work, it has to be dealt with, and you may need to do a lot of the heavy lifting.
- Are you giving Geoff an opportunity to be the lover he can be? Sounds like you've pigeon-holed him. Experiment a bit with him - toys, positions, kinks, etc. Given his insecurities, you're probably going to have to lead the way. This may trigger some negative emotions from him around this issue. It's not much fun being emasculated by a carrot-sized lump of plastic. Use this as an opportunity to work through them. Blow him. And then, at some other time, revisit the toys or whatever. It will take patience and persistence.
- Equivocating won't get the job done. Geoff will hear your silences, and even "You're different" as "Yes, he's hung like a horse and I enjoy sex with him a lot more," which it seems is actually the way you feel. You need to give him more to work with than this or he'll just spiral into self-loathing
- You should be honest, but not brutally so.

With the benefit of hindsight, this is what I wish my girlfriends had said to me 20 years ago:
- Yes, he's bigger. If you force me to rate you, then I do enjoy sex with him more.
- Size does matter and there are some orgasms/intensities I can only experience with a larger dick.
- I enjoy this a great deal. I don't want to give it up. If I did, I would resent you for making me.
- Do you feel like it is a chore for me to have sex with you? Think back on our lovemaking. Do you honestly think I'm not enjoying it?
- Why is it important to you that you are the best? This is the real question, and probably the hardest. The rest really is just window dressing. If you can get him to open up about it, then this will be a huge relief, in and of itself. As always, listening is way more important than speaking. Oh, and no size jokes, ever.
- Some girls out there really seem to be size queens. But we're all different. Just because some women claim to only enjoy large cocks doesn't mean they all do. In the words of Taj Burrows, the guys who only go out surfing when the waves are massive are missing out.
- Think about women's breasts. Sure, men might like them big, but does that mean that they're not attracted to women with average or smaller breasts? Breast size and dick size are just one piece of the larger puzzle that is sex/attraction. How attracted to a guy you are plays a huge part in how much you enjoy sex. It sounds like Geoff is younger than Ewan. It doesn't hurt to tell him that even though he's less well hung than Ewan, overall he's more attractive.
- I love Indian and Chinese food. If I were forced to say which one I liked more, it would be Indian, but I would never want to give up Chinese food either.
- Tell Geoff, even if is not true, there are things you want to try that Ewan is not willing to.
- Sure, there may be a thing as "too small," but realistically, he's well out of that range.
- Tell Geoff, "I would like you to make me cum like he does, and to share that with you, let's buy some sex toys and get a bit imaginative."
- In a twisted way, this is a blessing. If Geoff can overcome this insecurity, nothing in the world will phase him. The guy with the 21-inch dick lives in fear of the guy with the 22 incher, or the smarter/taller/more intelligent guy. (Insert you favourite insecurity here.) Transcend this and he will be free.
- Not being insecure (especially about penis size) is one of the most attractive qualities a man can have.
- Having to prove to Geoff how much you enjoy sex every time you have it is a major turn-off, and so his fears are self-fulfilling.
- Tell him, "Sex is fun. Please don't turn it into a bum trip. Lighten up and let's enjoy ourselves."

To you, from my male perspective, I would say:
- Don't underestimate how central to a man's identity this is, or how hard this is for Geoff. Find a way to say that whilst you can't fully understand how he feels, you know this is very, very difficult for him, and you want to be there with him to work through this, as your sex/relationship is hugely important to you. This goes for both size and coming to terms with polyamory, as I suspect they are very closely related.
- Get into his head a bit. Think of the thing about yourself that is both very important to you, and that you are very insecure about. Imagine he had another lover that predated you that was a totally awesome in this regard. How does this make you feel? Now imagine it's a reality, and that he's with her right now.

Finally, dealing with this stuff is hard. Wishful thinking and resolve won't get the job done, although they are prerequisites. Talk with him about trying to find things he could use to help him overcome this.

Expose yourself a bit. Tell him some of the things which you are insecure about and how you would like not to be troubled by them. Make this something you do together, rather than just his problem.

In terms of what you can actually do:
- I personally found insight meditation very, well... insightful
- Therapy - never tried it myself, but others claim it's helpful, although meditation is cheaper.
- Google jealousy and insecurity and see what you find. Although if he Googles it, he will probably stumble upon this forum, and this thread may be a little more forthright than he is ready for.

He may see looking for help as a sign of weakness. I probably would have when I was younger. Explain that being brave enough to face this and work through it is actually a sign of strength, and it will make you respect him way more than anything else he could do. "Man up and face your fears, bucko" is the message.

Ultimately he's got to want to work through it. There's only so much you can do.

By being honest, it means you give him two options-- either come to terms with it or leave you.

I would be as gentle and careful as I could be in speaking truth about this, as his flight instinct may be strong around this issue.
Make sure you emphasize that you love him and see a long-term future with him (assuming this is how you feel).
Don't discount the possibility that this will be too much for him and he will leave if you tell him the truth.
If you don't, though, you will be condemned to giving up Ewan, and either resenting that, or lying about it.
I'm not sure lying about it will work in the long term. Geoff will work it out. And, as your mum taught you, lying is bad.

Anyway, that's my 2 pennies-worth. Hope there's something in there for you.

 

[Brid75]

I don't see how this could work long term. You and Ewan getting off on some cuckold type thing, at the expense of the guy watching your kid. Consciously or subconsciously, this will bleed through. Hell, it may have already. How much contact do they have with each other? God, I hope your bf never reads this thread.

I disagree. It can last long term. My own situation mirrors Aurelie's, and it has worked for me, my husband and boyfriend.

I don't think she said that she gets off on the cuckold thing. It's Ewan that does, and that doesn't surprise me. It's a man thing.

So what if Geoff is a cuckold, anyway? By the way she talks about him, I don't think any of us doubts how much she loves Geoff, and she will naturally want to be as polite about him as possible. But let's be honest about what this is about. (Correct me if I'm wrong, Aurelie.) Geoff does not measure up sexually. He is not up to the job, and as much as he tries, he cannot satisfy his woman. He sounds like a lovely guy, and because of that, this may sound harsh. But if he's not man enough sexually, then she should cuckold him. I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel.

It sounds like Aurelie has everything she wants. Why should she give that up? She should fight for it. She has a man that looks after her, and gets her and her son things they have never had. He's very loving towards them both, and they both love him. She also has a man that gives her what she needs in bed. I think in this day and age, a woman can have both. And if that can't be with one man, why not two?

It can only work if you have an understanding man. My husband knows he doesn't satisfy me and that my boyfriend does. He was hurt at first, but he understands that he and my daughter are number one in my life, and they are. He is four times the man that my boyfriend is, except in one way-- sexually.

This is a hurdle Aurelie needs to get over. Geoff knows she is having sex with another man. He doesn't like it, but puts up with it, and this makes him a cuckold. If she can break it gently to Geoff that she needs Ewan because he gives her sexual satisfaction that Geoff can't, that's what she should do. When he accepts that, things will get better, if he understands that sex isn't love, and it's not a game to be won. As soon as he comes to terms with this, and accepts this, he will no longer feel bad. He will know that he is giving her his blessing because it is something she needs/wants, and he loves her and wants her to be happy.

If Geoff cannot accept that, and he isn't understanding (and most people wouldn't be), then Aurelie and Geoff will need to reevaluate their relationship.

If I were her, I would hang onto that boyfriend and give up Ewan, but not before I had tried my best. This will mean that Geoff will be hurt in the short term, but the relationship will be stronger in the long term. She needs Ewan in order to be 100% happy, as I do. It doesn't mean that I don't love my husband.

Let's not forget though, that Ewan knew about this from the start, and once accepted it.

Also, her child considers Geoff to be his father, and Geoff probably thinks of him as his son. They live together. They are a family. What's the problem with them staying at home together, when Aurelie is with Ewan? Geoff's not a babysitter, he's Dad. Who else should be looking after the child when Mum isn't there?

Aurelie, if you go about this the right way, and you give Geoff the love, sex, and encouragement he needs, you can keep both.

 

[Mudita]

He does not measure up sexually. He is not up to the job, and as much as he tries he cannot satisfy his woman.
<snip>
If he's not man enough sexually, then she should cuckold him.

I really hope you don't use this sort of language with your husband. How would you feel if he told you this about one of the core ways you identify as being a woman, that you are not enough of a woman and that you don't measure up?

Appalling! Truly mindbogglingly insensitive and cruel. Just kick him repeatedly in the nuts next time. It would be kinder.

And really, if this is your attitude, he'll pick up on it, no matter how diplomatic you might think you're being.

There is a lot of talk on this site about honesty and communication being central to poly relationships. I think it's safe to extend this to other relationships, as well.

Whilst he may be communicating poorly, he is communicating. Telling him you don't want to talk about it is just callous, in my book. I'm not sure that telling him to stop sulking will really help much either.

Ladies, if you want your men to open up and talk about their feelings you need to:
A) Be aware they may communicate them in a different way to how you might prefer;
B) Recognise that sometimes people (especially men) do not have the vocabulary or concepts to talk about things that are bothering them, and you need to help them tease it out;
C) Be willing to talk about things that are important to them, as well as things that are important to you.

You should also try to understand that:
I. Geoff already feels deeply humiliated here, he's not enjoying asking about this; it kills him to even ask, and he knows he's being a prat;
II. He's in a great deal of pain, and needs your love and support now, more than ever. Saying 'Stop sulking', or, 'I don't want to talk about it' will just double down on the humiliation and make him shut down on you emotionally to protect himself.

Yes, there is a privacy issue here, but it doesn't sound like it would bother Ewan any. He'd probably get off on Geoff knowing. It is obviously difficult for Aurelie to discuss, as well, but I'd suggest the alternative will end up far worse. She doesn't have to tell Geoff everything, as this it is not about what is going on in bed between her and Ewan, it is about what is going on between Geoff's ears.

And yes, Geoff has gotta own that, but she should make an effort to support him in that process.

A little empathy here would go a long way. But I guess it's the old story of it being difficult to empathise with something with which you don't have direct personal experience.

That he is merely being competitive is overly simplistic. He also feels left out of what he probably feels is one of the most intimate moments of her life. I.e., he will never experience what it is like to know her when she is at her most aroused.

Yes, she has the right to push back on the possessive way his insecurities are manifesting themselves. As his partner, she also has the responsibility to help him try and come to terms with what is a very difficult experience for him, and not just fob him off and tell him that she doesn't want to talk about it.

He needs you to ask him how he feels, not tell him how you do.

Good on you, Aurelie, for coming here in search of some suggestions, and not just attempting to sweep it under the carpet.

 

[zylya]

Some questions for Aurelia:

How often are you having sex with Geoff?
Who initiates?
How often?
Are there any times when he initiates and you say no?
How often are you looking after your son to give Geoff an opportunity to pursue his own interests, whatever they may be?
How often are you setting aside quality time to be with him, just the two of you?
Why are you putting up with Ewan being openly disrespectful to Geoff? I know you say you told him to "shut up," but he's still saying it.

 

[NovemberRain]

Whilst my poly experience is very limited, being a man who's insecure about his average sized wiener is something I'm much better versed in.
I feel like I'm a lot better in this regard these days and so I figured I'd post in the hope that some of it may be useful.
[...]
Anywho, a couple of impressions from a million miles away:
[...]
Anyway, that's my 2 pennies worth. Hope there's something in there for you.

Mudita, that was brilliant. I loved every word. It helped me, immensely. I don't have that issue in my vee, but I understand very well. I appreciate your hard-earned lessons and I'm very grateful that you shared.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Have you considered just seeing Ewan once a week? Twice a week is a lot for a relationship that's basically only sex, when you have a full-time bf of your own. This could be a perfect compromise, in that you still get to enjoy regular time with Ewan, and your Geoff gets to see that you're willing to make a major concession (50% less time with Ewan) for his sake. But in return, Geoff has to stop asking these invasive questions about your sex with Ewan.

 

[Aurelie26]

Some questions for the OP:

How often are you having sex with your boyfriend? Also, who initiates? How often? Are there any times when he initiates and you say no?
How often are you looking after your son to give Geoff an opportunity to pursue his own interests, whatever they may be?
How often are you setting aside quality time to be with him, just the two of you?
Why are you putting up with Ewan being openly disrespectful to Geoff? I know you say you told him to shut up, but he's still saying it.

Well, I have a high sex drive. I need sex every day, sometimes more than once. As I said, Geoff has a sex drive that matches my own. I have dates with Ewan on Tuesday and Thursday night. I have intercourse with Geoff every night, except on those nights. I always give Geoff oral on those mornings though (Tues and Thurs). It's a habit we have got into and it's something we both enjoy. We don't have sex after my dates with Ewan, though. It's late when I get in. I'm tired. I've felt guilty in the past and have tried to have sex with Geoff then, but he has never wanted to. I understand why.

When I go on my dates, Geoff always used to wait up for me, and although we would not have sex, we would always kiss and cuddle and hold each other before we went to sleep. Or sometimes I would take a bath and he would help me.

He's always asleep when I get back now, or he pretends to be, and he always has Max in with him, so I can't talk to him or hug him without Max being in the middle and waking him up.

I miss him not waiting up for me. It sounds silly, but it meant a lot to me that he did. It's selfish, but for me to spend the night having sex with Ewan, and to come home and have Geoff waiting up for us to cuddle and show each other affection, in a non-sexual way, meant so so much.

We both initiate sex. Geoff is very demonstrative, and we are always on the sofa together, hugging, or me sitting on his lap. And we kiss a lot.

This drives poor Max mad, so we both then start smothering him with kisses and tickling him till he squirms.

I never, ever say no to him, and I never will. He never says no to me either. The only time I refuse sex is when I'm on my period, this applies to both of them.

Geoff does what he wants. If he goes out with his friends, he does not need my permission, and the same applies to me. We are both laid-back people. He has plenty of other interests.

I look after my son most of the time. I work part time, but I spend as much time with my boy as possible. The three of us spend lots of time together. It's good. I think we make a really tight loving family. We love being together, the three of us. Geoff and my/our son are so loving towards each other, and as my son has never even seen his biological father, he now has something that he never had before. My boy adores him, and this is very important to me.

Geoff and I do go out together alone also, though. We always make the effort to put time aside for it. We have separate friends, but all my lot love him. I love him.

Ewan said some macho nonsense about Geoff. That's just the way he is. I do not tolerate it. It happened a few times. It does not happen now, though. He knows it upsets me.

 

[IndieSolo]

Has Geoff ever told you why he stopped seeing other women and is focused only on you now? Can you gently encourage him to date other women again? This might help.

 

[Aurelie26]

Has Geoff ever told you why he stopped seeing other women and is focused only on you now? Can you gently encourage him to date other women again? This might help.

As I said in an earlier post, I have asked him, and he told me that he doesn't enjoy it, and that he has never really enjoyed casual sex outside of his relationships. He could easily get girls, if he wanted to, but he doesn't want to. I have encouraged him, but he says that he just wants to be with me.

I know for a fact that he did go with a few girls. I also have the feeling that sometimes when he said that he had, he really hadn't. I guess I put pressure on him to do it. I thought that he would want to. I think lots of men, if given permission from their wife/girlfriend to have sex with as many girls as they like, would jump at the chance. Geoff is not one of those men, though. Truth is, I told him to do it because it made it easier for me to do what I was doing.

The only thing that would work for Geoff is if he had a relationship like the one I have with Ewan, something that is more than just sex. Different girls all the time won't work. He says that going out and meeting girls at a club, having never met them before, and taking them to a hotel room for sex, is not for him. He has to get to know a girl and like her. In hindsight, that is not a surprise to me. When we first met, and started going out, he took a lot longer to get me into bed than I actually would have wanted.

The thing is, if he did have another relationship like I have, and he loved someone else as well as me, I know that I would be crazy jealous.

Don't think that I don't know what an awful hypocrite that makes me-- I do.

 

[Aurelie26]

Have you considered just seeing Ewan once a week? Twice is a lot for a relationship that's basically only sex, when you have a full-time bf of your own. This could be a perfect compromise, in that you still get to enjoy regular time with Ewan, and Geoff gets to see that you're willing to make a major concession (50% less time with Ewan) for his sake. But in return he has to stop asking these invasive questions about your sex with him.

At the moment, I'm not sure of anything, only that I don't want Geoff unhappy. If it means I see Ewan twice, once or not at all, then so be it. I want both. I'll be honest-- it turns me on to have two men. Having poly relationships with these two means a lot to me. I will try to keep both, but only if Geoff is okay with it. He's not at the moment, and that has to change.