Sharing Details of Relationships/Sex

[Tonberry]

I guess I misunderstood -- was this a date planned with T to watch a game?

If T let Seamus know to pass the news on to the group that he was not coming because X, then yeah, Seamus ought to pass it on to the group.

It was actually to play a game, which we do once a week. I join them over Skype, although I can't participate much, but it's the only time I interact with his coworkers anymore (I used to see them a few times a week), so it's important to me, because I'm isolated here.

What happened is that T went on vacation, and although some people knew, Seamus learned about it when T wasn't at work on Monday. We regularly play the game (which is on Tuesday nights) with one person missing, but in the past I'd always known ahead of time. Now I think T should have told the group, but when I learned suddenly, my first thought was that Seamus was my eyes now that I'm away and lonely, and he didn't tell me anything.

I'm feeling over it now. When I first learned, I was upset not to have been given a heads-up, as I felt I might not have joined the game and slept through it instead, if I had known. But in retrospect, I understand why he thought it wasn't a big deal. I guess one issue I had was that he always told me when other people couldn't make it, so it felt like the one person I cared about making it or not shouldn't be the one he doesn't even mention to me.

Oh well. We might talk about it more later. I think he might have today off, since it's Independence Day.

 

[IndieSolo]

Hudson, the fact that your primary expects to have every detail shared between you is a bit strange. Any other partner of yours would find it somewhat disturbing, I think. It indicates a very couple-centric approach, as if the privacy concerns of the other people with whom you are involved simply don't matter. Basically, it's hogwash to have told you that "almost all poly couples share the intimate details of their secondary relationships with their primaries." What a wild assumption! There are no across-the-board privacy standards in poly -- it's up to the people involved. But I would think it leans the other way, toward respecting privacy, more often than not. And insisting on reading your texts and emails? Total invasion of privacy, not cool at all, in my book.

Looks like it's time to establish your own personal boundaries for yourself and renegotiate on this one. Don't go along with bullshit that makes you uncomfortable just because your partner says that's how poly is done. Oy!

There have been a few other threads on this topic. Have you done a search? You can always go to the Golden Nuggets forum here and start with "Master Thread - links to other threads worth reading." Here's a link to a post in that thread to get you started: Threads about privacy and sharing information among partners

 

[AutumnalTone]

... Is this common in poly relationships?

I am curious because I am told that almost all poly couples share the intimate details of their secondary relationships with their primaries.

What is your experience?

Oh, hell, no! The details of discussions and the sex I have are nobody's business except for mine and the other person(s) involved. I won't get involved with anybody who has a partner who expects such, nor will I get/stay involved with anybody who would expect such.

I can say that no polyfolk with whom I'm acquainted expect such sharing.

The thought of it creeps me out.

 

[turtleHeart]

I guess this is different for everyone.

My wife and I make it clear to everyone we relate to that anything known to one of us can be known to both, meaning we can know all the details of our other relationships, but as we've gotten more used to dating other people we haven't felt as much of a need to hear every detail (it would be too time consuming), even though we still can. It's not something we do out of distrust, more that we simply like knowing what we're each experiencing.

We are very "couple-centric", and don't want that to change. There are things the two of us will only share with each other. Anyone that dates us needs to be ok with that. If someone just liked one of us and didn't really want to know the other, that would be the end of the new relationship. As a result, anyone we do end up dating tends to get along well with both of us and we all hang out together fairly often, including for holidays.

 

[LittleMissMuffit]

I have been wondering similar things. My understanding is that my SO shares as much detail with his primary as she wants. I don't think I ever really got a say in that. But when I ask about their intimate life, I get very little.

It feels strange to me that it is only a one-way street, and also that all of my tender bits are exposed. I am friendly with his primary, however, and not at all jealous of their relationship (maybe envious because of daily life, etc.). Wondering how to go about bringing this subject up without it being a fight.

 

[IndieSolo]

I guess this is different for everyone.

My wife and I make it clear to everyone we relate to that anything known to one of us can be known to both, meaning we can know all the details of our other relationships, but as we've gotten more used to dating other people, we haven't felt as much of a need to hear every detail (it would be too time consuming), even though we still can. It's not something we do out of distrust, more that we simply like knowing what we're each experiencing.

We are very "couple-centric", and don't want that to change. There are things the two of us will only share with each other. Anyone that dates us needs to be ok with that. If someone just liked one of us and didn't really want to know the other, that would be the end of the new relationship. As a result, anyone we do end up dating tends to get along well with both of us, and we all hang out together fairly often, including for holidays.

But what you're writing about sounds a little different from:

Literally every text message, chat, phone call and interaction is what I'm being asked to divulge.

Turtleheart, are you and your wife sharing every single sexual detail, and all emails and texts with each other? It's one thing to share the whole gestalt of an experience with a partner; it's quite another to invade or abuse another partner's privacy in order to see and hear in black-and-white exactness every little thing that goes on. EVERY relationship deserves respect and its own special, private moments. It should never be all about the couple at the center of their universe, lording their primary status over anyone else with whom they are involved. As Hudson further wrote:

. . . a violation of the secondary relationship I was beginning. How can it be a relationship if there is nothing shared in confidence?

Exactly.

I have been wondering similar things. My understanding is that my SO shares as much detail with his primary as she wants. I don't think i ever really got a say in that.

And why didn't you get a say? See, single people need their own rules and boundaries, too. You have a voice. Always ask for what you want, and say no to what makes you uncomfortable. It's your life, your relationships. You're not there solely to enhance or augment their "Holy Dyad." Your relationships should be satisfying and fulfilling to you, and you get to ask for things on your terms, too. That is where negotiations and compromises begin. It should never be totally up to the already established couple to dictate to the "third." If that's their style, and they won't budge, you still have a choice-- to accept it or walk away. But can you be happy with relationships built only upon someone else's terms, without anything on your terms?

 

[Arrowbound]

EVERY relationship deserves respect and its own special, private moments. It should never be all about the couple at the center of their universe, lording their primary status over anyone else with whom they are involved.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Once upon a time, in the beginning, I really did wanna know everything, and then there were things I found out I wasn't comfortable with, so I just stemmed that particular flow. My compersion and comfort I've found is borne of knowing about my metamour outside of my SO, talking to her, getting to know her in my own context, basically. I can't imagine giving him so much detail that there's nothing left for me, or my OSO.

 

[Fiona]

Absolutely not. I don't like or subscribe to the terminology of primary/secondary; while my relationships may be very different (I have a child with and live with my husband, things I will never do with my partner) I don't feel that one is more important than the other, or deserves to know more, or anything of that nature. I do not tell my husband intimate details about me and my partner, any more than I want to hear those details about him and his girlfriend. It's the way it works for us.

 

[LovingRadiance]

It's interesting reading everyone's responses.

It's very important to me that any new lovers KNOW all of us, and get along with all of us. I say all, because there are three of us who are a forever family, with 2 kids still at home already. They needn't be best friends with all of us, just get along and respect us.

That said, each of us, including any potential new lovers, are individuals with our own personal preferences, interests, insecurities, fears, etc. We should each individually have a right to share with our lover our fears, insecurities, interests, curiosities, etc., without fear that they are going to then be shared with others we may not yet be comfortable with.

This came up very personally for us this winter. I am generally a VERY open person. There aren't a lot of 'secrets' in my life. However, Maca (my husband) began seeing another woman, and we had to address the topic of sharing details, because he moves so much faster in intimacy and trust than I do. I didn't know this person, or feel comfortable with her knowing about my BDSM proclivities, insecurities (unrelated to her or them), fears, medical issues (not things that would affect them).

He felt like he could trust her. But that was their relationship. I did not trust her. She was a bit miffed over my "slowness" in accepting for myself the same level of social intimacy as they had created together.

But, here we are in July. Their relationship has ended, which is precisely why I didn't feel comfortable. Until I am certain someone is sticking around for a significant portion of time, I'm not interested in disclosing (or having disclosed about me) certain aspects of myself that I only share with trusted, close, loved ones.

 

[Fiona]

She was a bit miffed over my "slowness" in accepting for myself the same level of social intimacy as they had created together. But, here we are in July, and their relationship has ended, which is why I didn't feel comfortable. Until I am certain someone is sticking around for a significant portion of time, I'm not interested in disclosing (or having disclosed about me) certain aspects of myself that I share with trusted close loved ones.

LovingRadiance, I'm about at this place with my husband's girlfriend. They're both extroverts and don't seem to understand my need for privacy and a bit of distance. I've tried to communicate this to both of them, with mixed results. At first, she was overly involved in my life and wanted us to be close very quickly; I'm simply not comfortable with this and said so. Now, after a few incidents in which I felt she was being pushy and rude, she has been extremely distant. Communication, never good to begin with, has suffered because of it. My last straw was her talking to MY partner (not my husband) and telling him that I had said/done things that I hadn't. I.e., Fiona said this is a rule, and I can't do it, which is ridiculous. My husband and I don't conduct our relationship that way. My partner was puzzled and made uncomfortable by her behavior; I'm at a total loss as to what to do or not do. I am pretty angry and frustrated about this.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Fiona,

I can imagine your partner's puzzlement. My boyfriend flat refused to socialize with the latest girlfriend of my husband's because he felt it was heading that direction from the get-go, and he didn't want to be caught in the middle. He's very outgoing, but from the beginning there was so much misinformation going around, he just fled from the whole thing.

It's unfortunate that so many of us are struggling to figure out how to go about operating, and communicating how we operate, in our dynamics, because it leads to a LOT of confusion when assumptions are made or misinformation is shared.

I'm a very outgoing open person. But I have to make the relationship on my own. I don't automatically give myself to someone because they are a "friend of a friend." So, the fact that someone thinks they are in love with my husband (I have doubts, on account of my definition of love and how quickly they disappear, I believe it's NRE and lust), doesn't automatically mean I'm going to open up to them. They have to take time to get to know me, and allow me to know them, if they want that.

Unfortunately, that is scary for some women, a lot of them, from what I've gathered. I'm ok with not knowing them well. But Maca wants something along the lines of what I have with GG, and that isn't possible unless the time is taken to build the cross friendships (i.e., her+me, her+GG, etc.).

GG and I were best friends for years before we started dating. Years. He already was considered part of the family before we started dating.
It makes a huge difference.

When you're rushing to get into bed with each other... Well. It just changes everything when it's rushed.

 

[CielDuMatin]

I really dislike the primary couple privilege thing. There have been some adjustments that we have had to make because of the mono/poly nature of my relationship, but I was very insistent on the "same rules for everyone" when it came to disclosing private information. It's not about keeping secrets, it's about what part of the relationship is private and which is not.

In my opinion there can't be any blanket rules that always apply - it's up to individual preference, boundaries and needs. It is vital that these be discussed during the initial negotiations with all the involved parties, so that expectations can be set.

And, if the shoe were on the other foot - if I were wanting to get involved with one member of a couple and were told that all details of our sex life would be shared between them, but that I wouldn't get the same from them, then I would say thank you and walk away.

 

[Emm]

I hope you inform all your partners of this before there's anything to tell.

 

[Magdlyn]

yeah i share my sexual relationship details.

I hope you inform all your partners of this before there's anything to tell.

I've never needed a formal go-ahead from any of my lovers to share information about sexy times with my gf. It just seems to be obvious from the get-go that everyone is pleasantly titillated by hearing about what I do with the other. My long-term gf Pixi just feels compersion, and my male lovers feel aroused and excited to hear about what she and I do. I guess I just feel drawn to people who are an open book in that area.

Now that Pixi and Ginger and I are moving from a V to a triad, slowly and cautiously, and have shared sex twice, feeling secretive about any one-on-one times would seem to be pointless. But that's just our experience and our comfort zone. It's not that I share every detail every time I get to have sex with either, but I just don't feel the need to hide things.

 

[Emm]

And again, I hope they were all aware of that before there was anything to tell.

If I'm going to be discussed in detail with someone I'm not involved with then I want to know about it in advance. That way if I'm not comfortable I can remove myself from any situation worth discussing. It doesn't need to be a formal agreement, but it does need to be at least understood by all.

 

[Magdlyn]

And again, I hope they were all aware of that before there was anything to tell.

Again, no need for formality. My gf is an open book and the guys have all been proud of their own sexual prowess (and as a female bi couple, most of the guys probably feel a covert interest in interesting my gf in some kind of 3way action! )

If I'm going to be discussed in detail with someone I'm not involved with then I want to know about it in advance. That way if I'm not comfortable I can remove myself from any situation worth discussing. It doesn't need to be a formal agreement, but it does need to be at least understood by all.

That's fine for you. Different for me/us!

 

[CielDuMatin]

If I'm going to be discussed in detail with someone I'm not involved with then I want to know about it in advance. That way if I'm not comfortable I can remove myself from any situation worth discussing. It doesn't need to be a formal agreement, but it does need to be at least understood by all.

I am in the same boat, and have refused to get involved with folks who I know were far more open about communicating to others about the intimate details of their sex lives than I was comfortable with.

Not saying it's wrong or right, just that different people have different boundaries when it comes to that and it's worth making sure (rather than assuming) that everyone's comfort levels are compatible.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Interestingly, this one alters for me, depending on the partner. There are some people I would be perfectly ok with our sexual details being shared. Some I am not. So we have an agreement that nothing gets shared without permission. Shrug.

 

[Tonberry]

I'm definitely the same as Ciel and Emm. While I don't think I'd ever have a problem with people sharing anything about me, I would feel absolutely betrayed if they ever did it without checking first. I would equate it with sharing naked pictures of me without asking for my permission.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Exactly, Tonberry! That topic got so out of hand this winter, I actually wiped clean all of the computers in the house of any photos of me that were even moderately suggestive or unclothed. There has to be the right to privacy. Even if I don't choose to keep myself private, it still has to be my decision.