Sexless marriage, told him I was stepping out for sex

[SweetSensations]

I am hoping you can give me guidance to preserve my marriage, but step out of the relationship for sex.

My therapist told me most people would kill for a relationship like mine, but you have several areas that are a huge deal, if those areas are important to you. Intimacy is huge for me. I have seen two other therapists. One encouraged me to stay in the relationship, but get him into therapy. *cough*

I hope to empower him to stay, without an overt sabotage of the relationship. If he starts to feel pressure, which he has, he will become resistant and lash out in anger. If he feels insecure, he may leave.

Over the last year+ he has told me, "Do what ya gotta do."

I asked him to read Love in Abundance, and define my sexual activities together.

I told him, "You are my number one," and started fixing to do little nice things for him to reassure him. Then months later he said he was not feeling comfortable with my decision.

I waited until we had not had sex for almost three years.

The therapist found some sort of huge sexual block, and possible testosterone deficiency.

We were doing therapy through triangulation. She would ask me the questions on a recorder, and I would ask them of him, record his body language and report back to the therapist.

I was in therapy to make sure I could withstand the guilt of stepping out of the marriage and possibly having an open marriage. Where I messed up was telling him I was going outside the relationship for sex, before going into therapy. At the time the therapist said I had a neatly-packed life for hubby, so we set out to rock the boat. The therapist said I had a significantly healthy relationship, minus the intimacy, and I had some choices to make.

This Christmas he started snapping at me, and asked me, "Who are you buying that for?" and said, "I am not going to watch that movie with you."

I think he is hurt, but won't give me sex, no matter what. I have stepped out of the relationship. I adore the sex with new man. I don't want to just leave my husband the way his last 2 partners have. I have been in the relationship for 17 yrs. I told him I was not going to tell him any details about the other man.

What are ways I can convince him to have an open relationship? Building him up has helped some. He won't talk much. I want to continue to be gentle, cuz it is my persona. Just need your ideas. I have read some other posts that were helpful.

Thank you for your time...

 

[dust]

Ask him what he recommends

Maybe tell him you feel that you need intimacy/sex, and ask him what you could do that would work for him. You might not get an answer, but hopefully you will get him to consider that it's his problem too, not just yours.

 

[dingedheart]

Is he a sports fan? If he is, say, "Play me or trade me. I'm sick of sitting on the bench."

Why isn't he going to the therapy sessions so the questions and reactions could be first hand?

 

[SweetSensations]

"Play me or trade me. I'm sick of sitting on the bench."

Why isn't he going to the therapy sessions, so the questions and reaction could be first hand?

He is kind of stubborn, and just says he is no longer into sex. Any areas that could cause jealousy, I want to tame any insecurities, to get better acceptance.

Maybe tell him you feel that you need intimacy and ask him what you could do that would work for him. You might not get an answer, but hopefully you will get him to consider that it's his problem too, not just yours.

At this point, I have left no stone unturned. I have accepted the fact that I will get no more sweet lovin' from him. I now need to try to convince him that stepping out will not cause me to love him less, but will enhance our relationship.

 

[Tom]

He is kind of stubborn and just says he is no longer into sex... I want to tame any insecurities to get better acceptance.

I have left no stone unturned. I have accepted the fact that I get no more sweet lovin' from him. I now need to try to convince him that stepping out will not cause me to love him less, but will enhance our relationship.

Your husband and I have some similarities, in that we were both restricted from having sex to a certain degree in some way. However, the main difference is that I decided to make an effort and get help (which worked), and your husband isn't making an effort. This is my opinion on what you should do:

Tell your husband that you and he need to sit down and have a serious talk. Share your grievances and tell him how you feel about your current situation. End your side of the story with asking him if he loves you. As we all know, he will say yes. When he says yes, you give him the ultimatum: either he seeks help and tries to fix your guys' sex life, or you will seek other options to fulfill your needs.

How you respond to his response is up to you. But I can say that almost any man given that ultimatum would probably go with option 1. If he doesn't, let him know what you want and feel is feasible. Make sure to emphasize that you will always love him, no matter what, but it's time that he attends to your needs, one way or another.

 

[SweetSensations]

Your husband and I have some similarities in that we were both restricted from having sex to a certain degree in some way. However, the main difference is that I decided to make an effort and get help (which worked) and your husband isn't making an effort. This is my opinion on what you should do.

You should tell your husband that you and he need to sit down and have a serious talk. Share your grievances and tell him how you feel about your current situation. End your side of the story with asking him if he loves you. As we all know, he will say yes. When he says yes, you give him the ultimatum: either he seeks help and tries to fix your guys' sex life or you seek other options to fulfill your needs.

How you respond to his response is up to you. But I can say that almost any man given that ultimatum would probably go with Option 1. If he doesn't, let him know what you want and feel is feasible. Make sure to emphasize that you will always love him, no matter what, but it's time that he attends to your needs, one way or another.

He reluctantly chose Option 2, to put up with me going outside the marriage for sex. Thank you so much, Tom. Is there anything that would help you if I were your wife? I am not picking on you, just asking what would you'd want to hear to make you feel comfort and loved?

 

[SourGirl]

Honestly, stop trying to control each other. I mean that in the nicest way possible.

He wants to control the sex life, by not having one, and to control you, by being the 'decision-maker' for what happens in your sex life too. Are you talking to him like you are asking permission, or like you want to do this in a manner he feels most comfortable?

If you are offering choices, that is a start. Also figuring out an appropriate pace is a good thing, too.

On your side, don`t try and control how he 'feels' about it all, so much. He is going to hurt, and stress, and worry. He will feel inadequate at first. He needs to be able to process his emotions, not have them evaporated with fluffy words. Trying to 'shush' someone`s fears can be very frustrating to the person that feels them.

Time will tell the tale of what the new normal feels like. He has a right to worry.

Some spouses get laid and lose their brains.

Other spouses do this in a very responsible manner, and everyone gains comfort.

At the end of the day, it is Russian roulette.

Reassurance comes in two ways:
1) Having a plan and talking.
2) Putting your money where your mouth is.

Also, be prepared for his need to distance himself for awhile, and your possible B.I.H. syndrome. If you haven`t been getting nookie, and it suddenly comes, you are going to feel a rush of hormones.

 

[SweetSensations]

I was reading that you must reassure them that they still have choices and that they are number one. It would be better if he participated in setting ground rules or boundaries. Strange that even though he is feeling insecure, he will not give me sex at all. He could have stopped this very easily by just giving me his stiff heat.

The turning point was when he said he was not stimulated by me at all. So I took him in the bedroom and blew some hot air into his shorts and got on top to show I could make him hard easily. It was okay to think that, but not say it out loud.

 

[Marathoner]

Not Giving Husband Personal Details

Sweet Sensations, you wrote:

Sexless marriage, told him I was stepping out for sex
I have stepped out of the relationship and adore the sex with the new man. I don't want to just leave my husband the way his last two partners have. [ . . . ] I told him I was not going to tell him any details about the other man.

What are ways I can convince him to have an open relationship? Building him up has helped some. He won't talk much. I want to continue to be gentle, cuz it is my persona.

What do you mean by the italic text? Are you saying:

• You will not give your husband any personal details about the other man, such as name, address, work address, etc.? (These are factual details)
  OR
• You will not tell your husband when you are going out on a date, nor will you allow your husband to see you getting dressed up all nice and sexy, shaving your legs, and in general getting bubbly and happy for your date? (These are emotional details).

 

[kdt26417]

My basic impression is that you are handling the difficult situation as best as possible. Make sure you don't try to "gobble up the whole elephant at once;" take things one small bite at a time.

It sounds like this is a very emotional time for your husband? I got the impression maybe he had "developed a short fuse." It is big of him to give you the okay for seeking sex outside the marriage, even if he did so reluctantly. He was very fair about it.

Is he seeing a therapist at all? Are the two of you in couple's counseling? (preferably with a poly-friendly therapist.) Perhaps there is something that is holding him back emotionally (where intimacy is concerned).

I think SourGirl made a good point in that some of his concerns/worries will have to be addressed by seeing, through experience, that you aren't going to leave him. Just offer what reassurance you can, while letting him work through some of his emotional turmoil. "Trying to 'shush' someone's fears can be very frustrating to the person that feels them," as SourGirl said. This doesn't mean you ignore his fears, it just means that you acknowledge them, offer him some reassurance, and then let him work through those fears.

I hope Polyamory.com has been of some help to you so far, and will continue to be of help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[SweetSensations]

Thank you for making me think...

What do you mean by the italic text? Are you saying:

• You will not give your husband any personal details about the other man, such as name, address, work address, etc.? (These are factual details)
  OR
• You will not tell your husband when you are going out on a date, nor will you allow your husband to see you getting dressed up all nice and sexy, shaving your legs, and in general getting bubbly and happy for your date? (These are emotional details).

Yes to both. I don't want to hurt him on purpose. My fantasy is for him to give me permission and cheer me on. I love him very much.

Yes, I feel more alive. Quite frankly, at the time, I just wished I was gone. I thought it would be great if I could just never wake up again, but I wouldn't want him to hurt. I don't want him to know what my lover looks like, or know I am happier. If he thinks I will leave him, he will feel insecure and leave me. He did just that in the beginning of our relationship. For sure, he is not his loving self.

I read that not giving him any info will be worse on him. Another member said when they don't know what is going on they think the worst. He can be like that.

 

[dust]

Yes to both. I don't want to hurt him on purpose.

The chapter in Ethical Slut about jealousy I think also applies to guilt. You should check it out. It was hugely helpful to me. My hurt is my own, and usually what I need is for her to acknowledge it, tell me she loves me and then go about her business. If you try to own his hurt, it will just make it harder for you to do what you need to do.

This is going to hurt for him, and trying to avoid it will only drag it out. I needed to sit with jealousy and hurt for a while and realize that it won't kill me, that I am stronger than either... most of the time.

My fantasy is for him to give me permission and cheer me on.

Whew. This is a benchmark for me. I'm far from it right now. Sorry to say it, but I think you are too.

never wake up again

Yup.

I read that not giving him any info would be worse on him. Another member said when they don't know what is going on, they think the worst.

I have no idea what the right balance is for you or for me, but not knowing anything would not work for me.

Here are a few:
1. When she gets there and when she leaves, she lets me know, so I don't have to worry about her safety (car wreck or whatever).
2. She often lets me know when she communicates with him, otherwise, I think that every call and text is with him. I'm not proud of this, but I can't deny it.

 

[Marathoner]

Sweet Sensations,

Dust makes some excellent points. Is there any way you could try out some of his ideas, try them on for size?

If you do, I suggest you combine it with lots of reassurance. "I love you, H. I'll text you when I arrive at the hotel, and I'll text you when I take a bathroom break to let you know I'm safe. I'll text you when I'm in the car driving home."

And when you arrive at home, give him a long, long languid kiss. And tell him you love him.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from SweetSensations, Post #11):

"I don't want him to know what my lover looks like or know I am happier."

As far as him knowing you're happier, there's a flip side to that. He is the one that gave you the okay to seek outside sex, so, if doing so has made you happier, then it is thanks to him for giving you that permission. I'm not quite sure how you would put that; something like, "Thank you honey, for letting me do this, I know it wasn't easy for you, but it has helped me a lot." Not that it's required that you tell him that, but it's something to think about.

Re:

"Yes I feel more alive, quite frankly at the time, I just wished I was gone, I thought it would be great if I could just never wake up again, but again, I wouldn't want him to hurt."

I'm sorry that you had to go through such an awful time. I'm glad things are looking up a little. I can also see that you truly do love your husband; you cared about how he felt even when you were at such a low yourself.

Re:

"If he thinks I will leave him he will feel insecure and leave me. He did just that in the beginning of our relationship. For sure he is not his loving self."

Sounds like things are really rocky right now. All I can suggest is reassure him often that you are going to stick with him. I do think he could use some counseling, or you and he could use some couple's counseling, as some kind of insecurity seems to be buried deep inside him.

Re:

"I read not giving him any info will be worse on him. Another member said when they don't know what is going on they think the worst. He can be that type."

I think telling him every sensual detail about your outside encounters would be overkill (and far beyond what he could handle, at least right now). However, letting him know where you're going, and when he can expect you to return, may help him.

 

[SweetSensations]

Wow, Dusty, I have a lot to learn from you.

The chapter in Ethical Slut about jealousy also applies to guilt... My hurt is my own, and usually what I need is for her to acknowledge it, tell me she loves me and then go about her business. If you try to own his hurt, it will just make it harder for you to do what you need to do.

This is going to hurt for him, and trying to avoid it will only drag it out. I needed to sit with jealousy and hurt for a while and realize that it won't kill me, that I am stronger than either...most of the time.

This is a benchmark for me. I'm far from it right now. Sorry to say it, but I think you are too.

I have no idea what the right balance is for you or for me, but not knowing anything would not work for me.

1. When she gets there and when she leaves, she lets me know, so I don't have to worry about her safety (car wreck or whatever).
2. She often lets me know when she communicates with him. Otherwise I think that every call and text is with him.

Dust, you are way ahead of me. I have not gotten past the first chapters of Love in Abundance-- Defining the relationship together and setting boundaries. He did not want to read it. I defined it and told him he was my number one. He is not the curious type. Maybe in his mind he is wondering, but it never leaves his lips. I go to the doctor, I want to know everything. He goes to the doctor, and asks nothing, just listens.

I did read about jealousy and insecurity, which he does not reveal. I only see snapshots here and there.

I told him I would be discreet. I meet my man during the day and move around his and my schedule. I told men I was looking for STD paperwork and day meetings. I probably won't even go out at night until I get my love more stable. Only my FB friends know where I am and when I will return. You gave me a lot to think about.

I conduct my sexual rendezvous like it is an affair. I did come home one day in my date night dress and high heels, smelling like cologne. My husband was two hours early from work. I did not skip a beat. I walked up to him, and hugged and kissed him. He never said a word.

 

[SweetSensations]

Marathoner, we are on the same page.

Dust's points... could [you] try out some of his ideas?

If you do, I suggest you combine it with lots of reassurance. "I love you, husband. I'll text you when I arrive at the hotel, and I'll text you when I take a bathroom break to let you know I'm safe. I'll text you when I'm in the car driving home."

And when you arrive at home, give him a long, long languid kiss. And tell him you love him.

Marathoner thanks for all your wisdom. He only peck-kisses now. I will try anything once I break through. The combination with reassurance is a rockin' idea.
- In the morning he finds me and gives me a hug and kiss good-bye.
- He comes in, I give him a hugging massage.
- Each night I will fetch him grape juice or a snack. Just showing love (new).
- At night, I drop what I am doing, and tuck him in bed, kiss and hug him, and sometimes give him what we call a two-minute massage.

haha As I write this, my H turned on the TV show, "The best sex, a retrospective." Wild! Will she get lucky? Not a chance. C'est la vie!

 

[SweetSensations]

Thank you for the help, Kevin.

As far as him knowing you're happier, there's a flip side to that. He is the one that gave you the okay to seek outside sex, so, if doing so has made you happier, then it is thanks to him for giving you that permission. I'm not quite sure how you would put that; something like, "Thank you honey, for letting me do this, I know it wasn't easy for you, but it has helped me a lot." Not that it's required that you tell him that, but it's something to think about.

I'm sorry that you had to go through such an awful time. I'm glad things are looking up a little. I can also see that you truly do love your husband; you cared about how he felt even when you were at such a low yourself.

Sounds like things are really rocky right now. All I can suggest is reassure him often that you are going to stick with him. I do think he could use some counseling, or you and he could use some couple's counseling, as some kind of insecurity seems to be buried deep inside him.

I think telling him every sensual detail about your outside encounters would be overkill (and far beyond what he could handle, at least right now). However, letting him know where you're going, and when he can expect you to return, may help him.

Wow, I have a lot to cover. I can do it all in time.

He refused counseling, but agreed to triangulation, where she asked me questions to ask him, then report back with his body language and answers.

 

[kdt26417]

It sounds like there are some positives in this situation. Just keep taking it slow, you're doing well.

 

[Tom]

He choseOption 2, to put up with me going outside the marriage for sex. Is there anything that would help you if I were your wife? ... What would you want to hear to make you feel comfort and loved?

Hi, SS. I'm happy to hear that your husband has decided to cooperate out of what I know is his love for you. It's understandable that he was reluctant to go with that option at first, because it's always a hard decision for a husband to allow another man to have his wife in the sack. That is completely normal. But the key is time. With time and patience, he will soon grow on the concept and accept it to be something good stemming from an unfortunate situation.

During this time, you need to be receptive of his feelings and thoughts. Show him that you care and that you're willing to do what it takes to make him feel comfortable and help him adjust. If he wants to know details of where you're going, when, what you're going to do, etc., tell him. He deserves to be a part of this as much as you are. Show him that you're willing to include him as much as he wants, if he wants to be involved. But most importantly, make it clear that your husband comes before your sex buddy. Feel free to PM with any specific or personal questions. Good luck!

 

[Marathoner]

In the last week, have your efforts to be reassuring and loving worked?

What about efforts to give him more info? Have you told him when you were going out on a date, where you'd be, and when you'd be back? Does he like this info, or did it backfire?