My gf is ordering me to stop sleeping with my bf-- WTF?

[hellokitty]

Am I wrong in getting pissed off here?

I cannot stand even the idea of being controlled or told what to do. I feel like this is an enormous thing to ask of me. Quick back story, (read my other posts for more details):

I've been with my bf Jules for 6 yrs, gf Aimee for 2. Pretty much closed relationships. They are not together. Jules has my blessing in seeing others. Aimee says she's not interested. Jules is okay with me being with other women, but not men. Aimee and I play with other women sometimes, but she's not okay with me being with anyone alone.

Jules and I have been struggling with the sexual aspect of our relationship for the past year or so. I lost interest and felt disconnected from him for a while, but have been working hard on getting close to him again. We are just as in love as ever, and the whole experience has really brought us closer together. We have come to a better understanding of our needs together and realized we have so much more holding us together, regardless of our sexuality.

Aimee has been some what supportive through all this, listening to me talk and trying to understand my point of view. A few weeks ago she asked if Jules and I were having sex. I said not really, but if I did want to, it's my decision. Since then, Jules and I have gotten more sexually involved.

Today Aimee asked this huge demand of me. She asked me to not have sex with anyone. I agreed to this, thinking she meant no more threesomes for a while. Then she said, "No. I don't want you sleeping with Jules. It's very important to me."

WTF? What would you think in this situation? I feel like she's totally out of line. I told her I'm completely not okay with her trying to control me and put restrictions on my relationship with someone I've been with for 6+ yrs.

She said she just really needs this right now so she can be comfortable. I don't know how long she expects this abstinence to last, and what she is going to work on inside herself to be comfortable with this during that time. But what if it's not "all better" afterwards? How can I even believe this isn't just a ploy to force me to be mono with her?

We have had this argument so many times, where I tell her, "You need to make the conscious decision to be in a poly relationship, and put in the effort with me to at least begin accepting it and not fighting it. If it's not right for you, I'm not holding you prisoner. I don't want you to resent me for the rest of our lives, and be waiting around for me to settle down, cuz that's unfair to both of us."

I have been up front and honest about my intentions to be with both of them fully the entire time. I feel like she's in denial, thinking that she's going to eventually get me all to herself, even though I've explained until I'm blue in the face that I have no interest in ever being mono.

I fear that more now, because today she goes, "Well, I was happier when you said you and he weren't having a sexual relationship, because I felt if I was good and gave you everything you needed, you'd realize you didn't need that from him anymore and it could be just between you and me."



That is just so out of touch with my feelings and the things I've expressed to her! I feel she only hears what she wants to, and rejects reality.

It's not like Jules and I hardly ever even SEE each other, so us having sex is such a rare occurrence already, asking us not to do it is kind of silly anyway. But it's the concept behind it. I just feel offended that she would try to impose boundaries on my relationship with him.

Opinions? I don't know how to proceed. Honestly, this just makes me want to be alone. I feel like, no matter what I do, nothing will be good enough for her.

 

[GalaGirl]

You could request the final word and ask for clear communication, maybe say something like:

1) I want to be in a poly relationship with Jules and you, Aimee. That will include sexual expression.​

​

2) I will not promise permanent sexual exclusivity with just you. That is a hard limit for me.​

​

3) If permanent sexual exclusivity is a need for you in your romances, I cannot meet your need as such. If you require a short period of time of my abstaining to adjust, I might be willing to entertain the thought, depending. How long is the time you require? What would you expect of me in that time? How can I support you in that time?​

​

4) If sexual exclusivity is a want for you in your romances, and one you can let go of, then perhaps this can work between us that way. How can I support you in being willing to let go of the want?​

​

5) We have had this conversation before, yet we do not arrive at a conclusion together. I have a new limit. I wish to know your final word now, if you know your willingness to continue in this poly relationship with me. If you're not sure, could you know by the end of the (week? month?). Otherwise, I have to move forward without taking your information on board. I need to relieve my suffering here in limbo land. I do not wish to continue to suffer.​

​

6) Please clarify: is sexual exclusivity a want or a need for you? I can respect both your want and your need, but I need clarification so I can deal with my own self, life, wants, needs, and limits. Are we compatible enough so we can be in agreement and in harmonious romantic relationship, or not? Is this about jealousy management? Or relationship-shape preferences? Might we better as friends?​

Try to sort it out. Not all dating partners are going to be runners. Sort this one out, give it a fair shake, and if it is not lining up, accept it is not a runner.

You could accept that you and Aimee are seeking different models, have different wants, needs, limits. You could end the romance, and shift gears into friendship instead.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I second Galagirl.

To answer your question, no, I wouldn't find that reasonable, and yes, it sounds like she is trying to create a monoship.

 

[Anneintherain]

I don't know how long she expects this abstinence to last, and what she is going to work on inside herself to be comfortable with this during that time. But what if it's not "all better" afterwards?

Opinions? I don't know how to proceed. Honestly this just makes me want to be alone. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing will be good enough for her.

Well, you could ask her that first one, but it sounds like your answer to her request is "No," so I would just say no. If she does not take it well, then, personally, I'd make a decision to stop seeing her, as that behavior doesn't make much sense at all to me, and is counter to what you seem to have explained about who you are, and what you want and need in your relationships.

 

[GalaGirl]

Came back to add something. I find it reasonable Aimee is telling you what she would like. She has the right to have what she'd like in her romanceship. I don't know HOW this information was shared. You have the right to know what's going on with clear communication in a way you can understand. Ask her to verify/clarify if you are confused.

It sounds like her delivery of this communication poked you, and you want validation that you have the right to have what you would like in your romanceship. Of course you do.

Rather than derail too much into her communication style, or trying to rationalize/reasonableness-test her feelings (feelings are not logical), or assume negative intent about her motivation being to force you to do things to your own disappointment/upset, you could choose not to go down those paths, and stick to this path:

• Find out if she is willing to see the conversation through to the end. Keep it on track here to reach understanding, to answer the question of "Here are your wants, needs, limits. Here are mine. Are we still compatible in a romantic polyamorous relationship?"

She cannot force you to do anything. You are free to walk away at any time. It do not sound like you're being held against your will, or are in an abusive situation. This is not fun, but it is what it is. I am sorry you hurting from being asked to consider things you do not enjoy, and finding yourself in conflict. You could decide to just do the job in front of you. Hang tough, bite the bullet, and sort yourselves out. Have that hard conversation in a kind but firm way. Get the answers you need. Arrive at conflict resolution.

Again, not all dating partners are going to be runners. Not all runners are going to go the long haul. Discern what it is you have here. Do not be afraid to have the talk, because the conflict resolution could be, "We cannot share a romanceship here in harmony." DO IT ANYWAY. DISCERN AND SORT.

You could ask her if she is willing to do conflict resolution. Ask her to make an appointment to do this, where you both clear 2 hours for it. Come with your talking-point lists, and just go down the bullet points in turn until you have talked things out. Make another appointment, if needed, to finish your lists. Some things may not be solved in one conflict-resolution appointment, because you get tired, emotionally overwhelmed, etc.

Do not have serious relationship talks when hungry, tired, pressed for time, on a phone call or by text. Give her and yourself the quality time and a respectful space, be fully present.

Find out what there is to find out.

If she is not willing to talk seriously, that's your answer. Either way, you get to know where you stand, and can end limbo-land suffering for yourself.

GG

 

[Marcus]

Well you could ask her that first one, but it sounds like your answer to her request is "No," so I would just say no.

I'm with Anne and GG. It is certainly Aimee's prerogative to express her desires. It is equally reasonable for you to give her a response she might not like. If "no" is not an acceptable answer, then it wasn't a question to begin with. It was an order.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I agree that everyone has a right to state what they want.

However, I gleaned from the post (though possibly incorrectly) that Aimee knew coming into the relationship that this wasn't a monoship. She's been HK's gf for 2 years, and Jules has been her bf for 6 years. I do not believe she has a right to demand that she get a monoship and insist that her feelings, needs, wants, etc., are more important than HK's.

For me, I give priority of responsibility to the person who came first, barring other technicalities that may affect the situation. So, for example, the choice to have another child depends upon my ability to manage that without taking away from any current children I have, because they came first.

In regards to polyamory, neither one of my partners has the right to demand I not have a full relationship with the other, not even in order to deal with a current problem they are having. They may request that I alter schedules or devote extra time to them, compared to what I have been. But they may not request that I stop having a full relationship with the other. Additionally, they don't get to insist that I begin having a full relationship with someone.

In a situation like this, where my newer partner was demanding I stop having a full relationship with my other partner, I would tell them point blank, "I love you both. I empathize with your emotional struggles. However, I will not neglect or abuse my other partner because you have issues that need dealt with. We can discuss other options, or you can deal with them on your own."

I would also be on guard to terminate the relationship, because they should know better, after two years.

If my original partner made the same demand I would tell them point blank, "I love you both. I empathize with your emotional struggles. However, I will not neglect or abuse either of you because of the other person's personal issues. We can discuss other options, or you can deal with them on your own."

I would be attentive for the possibility that the relationship needed to end, because after agreeing to polyamory, there is a limit to how long it's reasonable to continue trying to go back to monoamory.

My limit turned out to be three years, almost on the dot. At three years, I quit being open to even hearing my original partner complain about our relationship being polyamorous. "It is poly. If you don't like it, leave. I'm not going back to monoamory."

 

[IndieSolo]

In my opinion, nobody gets to manage or dictate terms of a relationship they are not in. Period. I would not tolerate that at all. If a person I was involved with made such ridiculous demands, it would be over. End of discussion.

 

[GalaGirl]

I gleaned from the post that Aimee knew coming into the relationship that this wasn't a monoship. She's been the gf for 2 years. Jules has been the bf for 6.
I do not believe she has a right to DEMAND that she get a monoship and insist her feelings, needs, wants, etc., are MORE important.

I agree, LR. Nobody has the right to DEMAND. One requests things in relationship. HOW one expresses those requests matter.

But I am not actually hearing demanding or ordering-type language here. (I could be wrong too, I admit I am tired. I also have not gone looking for other related posts to see if there's more info.)

As I reread, I'm just not seeing Aimee giving orders. HK feels ordered around, but where is the ordering-style language?

I see HK called it, "Gf is ordering me..." in the title. HK wrote that, not Aimee.

I see HK reporting it along the lines of:

1) Aimee is aware that Jules and I have been working on things and getting closer.
2) I made Aimee aware that things had changed and sex was back on the table for me and Jules.
3) Aimee says, "I don't want you sleeping with Jules. That's very important to me. I really need this right now so I can be comfortable."

There I am assuming punctuation, making it a "verbatim" kind of statement. It was not originally that way. I perceive "right now" as "at this time."
Fair enough. Aimee has given her first impressions when made aware of a change that could impact her health. This JUST happened.

It doesn't read like an order, to me. HK states that Aimee was aware and somewhat supportive of the talks with Jules and their growing closeness. HK does not state Aimee's concerns. But overall it seems like Aimee is realistic about HK being in a polyship, sharing her with Jules, that changes on the other side of the V are happening. So how is this Aimee being in denial that she is in a polyship, or not being supportive at all?

To me, this reads like a work in progress. In their shoes, I would ask for more info, then clarify and verify. HK has not done that yet. There is no report that HK has said, "Thank you for being supportive of me while I was working on things with Jules. Thanks for hearing me as I updated you and made you aware that sex was back on the table. Thanks for you initial impressions. So... when could you and I talk more deeply and digest this more fully, now that you are aware of new changes on that side of the V?"

I perceive that HK is currently upset. She could be here:

• I do not want Aimee to ask me for permanent abstinence. I cannot give that. I am afraid that if she is asking me that, it could mean the end of our polyship. I could ask her if she means that.
• I do not want her to ask me to choose between them. I am afraid that would mean the end of the polyship. I could ask Aimee is she is asking me to choose between them.
• I was not given a time frame for how long this "sex time out" thing could be. I do not like that. I could ask for one.
• I was not told what things she needs to work on inside to become comfortable. I do not like not knowing. I could ask for this. I could offer my support of her as she does this work.
• I was not told how I would be informed of her progress on her inner work so I can be assured she is not foot dragging or stringing me along. I fear being strung along. I need reassurance. I could ask for this.
• I feel frightened when I think about being trapped in a monoship. I need reassurance that this is not what is happening, that this is not "cowgirly things," but rather just "polyship management talks," and "digesting things as new changes arise." I could ask for reassurance.

Aimee is not here to speak for herself. But from her side, I could see a possibility of her feeling tired of this stuff too.

We have had this argument so many times, where I tell her, "You need to make the conscious decision to be in a poly relationship and put in the effort w me to at least begin accepting it and not fighting it. If it's not right for you, I'm not holding you prisoner. I don't want you to resent me for the rest of our lives, and be waiting around for me to settle down, cuz that's unfair to both of us."

If it comes out "so many times," maybe it isn't Aimee. Maybe it is HK pulling it out and wearing it like a chip on her shoulder.

• "I will never be monoamorous! Accept me how I am or end the polyship!"

Maybe Aimee could be thinking:

"Fine. You are not monoamorous. Yay. Can you accept YOU are in a polyship now? When you make it be about "I'm not holding you prisoner..." it feels like you are showing me the door, don't want to engage with me, and do not want to be with me in a polyship.​

​

When I ask for polyship management talks, stop wearing that thing like a chip on your shoulder. Do you SEE me here, in this polyship? I am HERE already. I KNOW you are not monomorous. I know Jules exists! I am not in denial. I have been here for two years! So talk to me about polyship-management things and be emotionally available to me, rather than throwing up defense walls and emotionally shutting me out.​

​

I have been made aware of a new change that could affect me. Will there be changes in the calendar now, since we have to fit in sexy time with Jules? Will I need to be doing labs for myself or expect to see labs from you guys? What's the birth control/pregnancy plan gonna be now? New issues have arisen that affect ME too. Talk to me, please."​

Could that be an angle to consider?

We could all guess till the cows come home. But that's not helping HelloKitty and Aimee get on with the polyship managment talk in real life. Only they know what's up over there.

HK, what do YOU need at this time? What's your plan now? Chill first, then talk to Aimee later?

I think you could vent the upset first here, or to other "safe zone" friends in real life. Then go clarify/verify with Aimee, and talk when you are feeling better. Go sort it out. I would do that, if it were me-- assess what we actually have going on here, and then decide what choice is next for yourself that serves you best.

Everyone holds their own baggage.

People and their feelings change. That's the only constant-- changes as time goes by.

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

I've been w my bf for 6 yrs, gf for 2. Jules and I have been struggling with the sexual aspect of our relationship for the past year. Aimee has been somewhat supportive through all this, listening to me talk and trying to understand my point of view.

I see these three facts as being the most pertinent, because when you put them together, I see this:

1) HK has been with Jules the entire time she's been with Aimee.
2) Struggling with the sexual aspect of relationship with Jules has only been going on for the past year or so. Presumably for the first year, HK was having sex with Jules, while in relationship with Aimee. So why is this something that Aimee needs NOW? How/why is it needed now, when it was not originally? These are questions I would be asking Aimee if I were HK.
3) If Aimee has been aware of the ongoing struggle, and HK and Jules were working to repair their sexual connection, why is she just saying something now about her needs? Why wait until some sort of resolution is in place between HK and Jules before saying she isn't comfortable with the outcome of said resolution?

I certainly understand HelloKitty being upset. To go through so much with Jules, work so hard on things, have Aimee know about most/all of it, and have it finally starting to work out, and then have THIS wrench thrown into the works? Yeah, I'd be pissed too.

And I'm not as good at assuming positive intent as GalaGirl is. The timing of Aimee's communication of her need makes me extremely suspicious. Since HK has apparently been communicating with Aimee about this issue throughout, it seems to me like there were probably many other opportunities for Aimee to have brought this up.

And this part:

Today she goes, "I was happier when you said you and Jules weren't having a sexual relationship, because I thought if I were good and gave you everything you needed, you'd realize you didn't need that from him anymore, and it (sex) could be just between you and me."

(punctuation added by me for clarification)

If this is a direct quote, yeah, that raises a "cowgirl" warning flag for me. Hopefully it's not, but if either of my partners said that to me, things would be on very, VERY thin ice.

 

[Natja]

I cannot stand even the idea of being controlled or told what to do. Jules is ok w me being with women but not men. Aimee and I play with other women sometimes, but she's not ok with me being with anyone alone.

Is it me, or does this all seem a bit contradictory? HelloKitty has already allowed herself to be somewhat controlled by the people in her relationship, so maybe they feel they have the right to lay down the law?

I think it would help if they all sat down and re-worked all these expectations.

 

[niceinjeans]

Is it me, or does this all seem a bit contradictory? HelloKitty has already allowed herself to be somewhat controlled by the people in her relationship, so maybe they feel they have the right to lay down the law?
I think it would help if they all sat down and re-worked all these expectations.

Well, yes and no. You and I may see it as contradictory that she allows her bf to limit her sexual expressions to just women; however, this model may be exactly what she desires. I know other poly women that are solely committed to their male partners, but still desire to be with a woman. So all of her needs may be met by a vee with a man and a woman.

I think all three parties are absolutely within their individual rights to express what they need and desire in a relationship. Weaving those needs and desires together is what forms the whole relationship model to begin with. When those needs and desires change, the relationship model may no longer satiate one or more parties. That's when new needs/desires need to be communicated, and the relationship model may need to be re-evaluated.

That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.

NIJ

 

[JaneQSmythe]

.You and I may see it as contradictory that she allows her bf to limit her sexual expressions to just women; however, this model may be exactly what she desires. I know other poly women that are solely committed to their male partner but still desire to be with a woman. So all of her needs may be met by a vee with a man and a woman.

For 19 years, I was fine with my husband's preference for "no boys" (with regards to sex - he had no issues with my flirting/friending/chatting up/hanging out with all of my guy friends). It was not an issue. My focus was mainly on girls anyway, so it never came up for re-negotiation because I never actually felt all that limited in the first place.

Then Dude came along...


******

With regard to HelloKitty:

I would be very, very upset if Dude, my boyfriend, came out with a request that I not have sex with MrS, my husband (a rare enough occurrence as it is!). I would seriously question whether we were anywhere on the same PAGE when it came to the relationship I thought we were having. The MOST I could see would be a very specific request for time for just the two of us: "I really need to feel connected with you right now - could I ask you for a whole day for just the two of us? This Saturday, perhaps?"

"I was happier when you said you and Jules weren't having a sexual relationship, because I thought if I were good, and gave you everything you needed, you'd realize you didn't need that from him anymore, and it (sex) could be just between you and me."

This would have me scrambling to re-assess the entire situation!

When Dude and I got together, one thing that I was VERY clear about was that he was getting involved with a married woman and that my relationship with my husband was a given part of that. Early on, he would occasionally make some joke about "Having you all to myself," and I let him know that even teasing about that was NOT something I was comfortable with.

I.e., "When you say things like that, it makes me seriously question whether we can be together. It makes we want to pull away and not invest in OUR relationship. So you need to think about the effect this could have. If you really feel this way, then we need to stop now. If you DON'T really feel this way, then you need to stop teasing about it. I am going to be with MrS, too, and this relationship we are building has to take that into account."

On the other side, when we were figuring out how this could possibly work, MrS and I had a long discussion. I don't let myself have "feelings" for someone easily, and if we were going to really do this, I needed to know that I was entering into this second relationship freely and without restriction, that the rug wasn't going to be pulled out from under me when the going got tough. MrS had actually given this a LOT of thought before he approached me with his change of heart with regards to the "no boys" clause. Even before Dude and I got started, I think he realized that once we turned that page, there was no going back. For us, at least, there was no option to ask someone to "turn off" a relationship once it was established. Each relationship at that point would be "real." There would be no veto "after the fact."

JaneQ

 

[GalaGirl]

"I was happier when you said you and Jules weren't having a sexual relationship, because I felt if I were good, and gave you everything you needed, you'd realize you didn't need that from him anymore and it could be just between you and me."

I guess I just don't feel threatened by announcements of feelings. Feelings are not logical. I am willing to accept that. Initially I didn't even pick up on that quote because it read like a "weather report" to me.

My reaction to that quote when rereading it, now that others have resonated with it: there remains to ask Aimee this --

"AND? What is your need, your request of me? Are you feeling insecure and in need of some reassurance from me? No? No request? Just reporting the weather? ​

​

Okay. Heard ya. If you have a future need request, please just ask up front. Otherwise... thanks. I am now aware of your internal climate." ​

And to myself, I add:

"Alright. Not my problem at this time. I'm not gonna worry about it."​

Is this coming up a lot? Aimee provides a weather report to HK, and expects mind reading? HelloKitty could ask for clarification.

Everyone could hold their own emotional baggage. A partner can choose to help one unpack and sort if requested to help, if they are willing, but a partner cannot do it FOR one.

Galagirl

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I guess I just don't feel threatened by announcements of feelings. Feelings are not logical. I am willing to accept that.

And I guess (know ) that I do (feel threatened, that is).

Feelings are scary to me. I don't indulge them easily. I recognize and accept them as being illogical, which doesn't sit well with me. Therefore, to me, the only reason to bring them up is if you want/expect something to change as a result of your having them, because that is the ONLY time that I am going to bring my feelings up.

My expressions of (negative) feelings are generally tied to behaviors that trigger them, and a request for a change to minimize that discomfort in the future. And I have usually analyzed them to DEATH before I am even willing to have that conversation.

"In this situation the other day, you said/did X. I felt this way about it. I've thought about it, and I think the reason I felt this way was because I was scared that it meant thus-and-so. I realize now, after thinking about it, that X doesn't necessarily mean Y, so my feeling in that case was unwarranted. In the future, if you said X in this way, it might remind me that it means Z and NOT Y to you. But, at any rate, I'll try not not to read so much into it in the future, or ask you for clarification. I'm sorry I was irritable the other day. Thanks for being patient with me."

JaneQ

 

[GalaGirl]

Therefore, to me, the only reason to bring them up is if you want/expect something to change as a result of your having them, because that is the ONLY time that I am going to bring my feelings up.

I can see that. And I bring up my own needs as requests too, when I'm on the ASKING end.

But for me, it's better for my OWN mental health on the RECEIVING end to let the other guy hold their own emotional baggage and not assume or take on THEIR baggage for myself, unbidden or unwilling. If they want me to meet a need, or want me to serve out some expectation? Speak up! Make a bid. Ask for my willingness.

So I actually ASK --

​

"Are you bringing this up because you want to see if I am willing to meet a need of yours? I'm going to ignore you until you actually state that you want something from me upfront. And even then, I might not be willing to meet your need, because I've got my own needs to meet FIRST. Tough nails!" ​

Of course, I will package that up in nicer words actually spoken out loud to my person. (Even writing it here, I'm filtering out my cussing, because who needs to be relaxing at home reading venom online?) But basically, that's MY internal climate: NO. I am not put on this freakin' Earth to be at EVERYONE'S freakin' beck and call to tote their baggage about. Nope. Not gonna. I refuse.

I do not have to take on board their unspoken expectations. What for? More work for me? Spread my self thin emotionally? Nope. I normally try to be aware of my filter before I open my mouth to talk. But honestly? I won't deal with people who try to whoosh their baggage on me. I am just fine letting it LIE THERE on the floor. UN-fucking-picked up. Tada! THE HORROR!

​

​

Oh, lookie there. Some baggage. Thanks. I noticed it lying there. Yep. My eyes and ears are functional. I am aware. Thanks for pointing it out there on the rug. AND? ​

That gives them a chance to explain, and I can determine if this baggage has something FRESH inside it or not. I'm not going to leap to conclusions about what's in the bag. But neither am I just gonna pick it up and adopt it. What if there is a skunk in there? Show me your baggage first.

I've been called all sorts of names by people who want me to carry their baggage, unwilling and unbidden. It's called being FRESH and entitled, if that is their intent. I give them the benefit of the doubt and call them to account for themselves. "IS this your intent? DO you want something from me? WHAT would you like to request of me?" because some people don't want to be fresh, but have a sincerely hard time talking about feelings and need a bit of prompting to disclose. Maybe there is no skunk in the baggage. But they are shy about showing their panties.

I like to assume positive intent. Not so much for them, though they benefit, but FOR ME and my spiritual health. I am responsible for my own health (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual). I'd rather cultivate a spirit of generosity than a spirit of suspicion for myself.

I once asked my mother if she realllly thought my loopy dad was the first man ever to call me a "bitch," because nope, I didn't feel like meeting the needs of a FRESH-behaving person. And nope, I did not feel like doing his articulation work for him, either. He had to exercise his brain. And did she think I reallllly cared or had a problem wearing the bitch label?

Life is long. Unclaimed baggage can stay at the train station. I ain't pickin' it up, not for my loopy dad, and not for anyone else, either.

Mom tells me that Dad says I'm "bossy and mean" behind my back, to her. For me, he does what I want. He behaves himself appropriately around me if he wants something from me, and ASKS me nicely (as best he can). If an Alzheimers dude can manage to do it when called to account for himself, so can mentally unimpaired people.

So my take is gonna be, "Oh? You have a need? Please request nicely, then I will consider meeting your need. Otherwise, thanks for sharing." Lather, rinse, repeat. I do that to my kid, too. Nope, I'm not moving a muscle until I hear it packaged up properly and not all FRESH. And I STILL might not agree to sign up for that job.

It serves me well. I lead a very peaceful inner life, even amid eldercare wacko and kiddie capers. I'm certainly not up for poly shenanigans. No shenanigans of any flavor!

GG

 

[JaneQSmythe]

But for me? It's better for my OWN mental health to let the other guy hold their own emotional baggage and not assume or take on THEIR baggage for myself, unbidden or unwilling.

I won't deal in people who try to whoosh their baggage on me. I just am fine letting it LIE THERE on the floor. Oh, lookie there. Some baggage. Thanks. I noticed it lying there. Yep. My eyes and ears are functional. I am aware. Thanks for pointing it out there on the rug.

Ah, so actually not so different. (I love these conversations with you, by the way.) In my "not-personal-relationship" life (work/friends/bio-family), I can actually see that this what I do. I don't feel responsible for other people's emotional baggage, even though they vomit it up on me all day long. I glance over it, see what it consists of and then say, "OK, I hope you feel better now that you puked all that up out of your system. Now, is there anything I can do to help you, specifically, today?" I can help them evaluate their baggage, help them sort through the vomitous mass, but at the end of the day it is still their baggage, NOT mine.

In my "personal/romantic" life, however, I really prefer for my partners to pre-sort their baggage, because at least some of that baggage might relate to me personally (things I said or did, expectations they have, needs/wants they need to express). My default setting seems to be that if a partner is coming to me with something, it is because it DOES involve me (otherwise they would have turned to each other/other friends - because they know I am tired of looking at baggage all day long), and if that is the case, then I want a clear request as to what is expected of me. And if I don't hear that, then I am likely to feel agitated and insecure.

(This, I think, also relates to the concept of teaching people how to be in relationships with us.)

JaneQ

 

[GalaGirl]

In my "personal/romantic" life, however - I really prefer for my partners to pre-sort their baggage, because at least some of that baggage may relate to me personally

I prefer that too.

But sometimes my partner needs aid to do that very sorting. I don't always GET my preference in the covenent of romantic relationship. Who else does partner turn to first if not me? Did I not enter this relationship under the agreement of helping to tend their healths? Do I not care about my partner's inner life? I do. So I have to tend and not shirk my duty there to my partner or the relationship. But I still want to hear the request up front.

"I have a problem. I need help sorting myself out. Would you be willing to listen and help me sort even if the problem concerns my relationship to you? Can we Discern Together in a healthy way at this time?"​

Then I can assess my willing, the timing, balance against their need, etc. I have to be emotionally available to a reasonable degree. And suck it up (when in the land of reasonable) and not alienate my own partner with emotional distancing or failing to do my partner job. It's a balancing act.

I cannot let my own feelings WHOOSH! up and blind me to my partner's need forever just because *I* feel crazy and do not like feeling that. Just because I dowanna take on suckage. I'm not a fair weather partner. I have to deal with foul weather sometimes in partnership.

I could say

"I feel crazy right now. I am willing to be emotionally present for you, yes. But at THIS time so I have time to clear my own whooshy first so I can be fit for the job. Is that fair? How's next Tuesday work?" to negotiate the time. And sometimes Life arranges it so that there IS no best time later. Not only is it IMPORTANT, but it is URGENT TIME RIGHT NOW.

So fine, have to suck it up "come as you are" then. No time to get all dressed up better to face the hurricane. At least you face it together then. My partner gets that perk from me -- because I love them and it is because that's part of the package deal I have with them.

But even a partner -- I will hold accountable to the personal standard agreement we share. Weather out the Life Whatever Hurricane Storm together, alright. But NO treating me with shenanigans while we're hunkering there together. That's not part of the deal here.

GG

 

[Natja]

Being a hormone monster of late I really have been talking about my feelings a lot more, but I certainly have made a distinction between talking about my feelings, as in, 'I am feeling lonely,' which is true, but I don't necessarily expect anyone to necessarily feel threatened by that.
But when I say 'I am feeling lonely, and I'd like more input from you on a daily basis, because I am feeling neglected,' it is at that point where I am stating my needs.

It is at this point that I expect changes to be made.