Poly Isn't For Me/Tired of Sharing My Wife

M

Matt

New member
A little backstory. My wife Jayne and I have been together for 13 years and married for 9 of those. We have two children. When we first met, it was just the two of us, as we were establishing our friendship before a relationship could begin. Around the same time, she met her now-girlfriend, Jess. I was alright with it, since it made her happy. I love our marriage. It's something we've both worked on because we both took our vows seriously.

Fast forward to 2013. I have two issues. Last year, I decided to give this poly thing a try, and Jess also became my girlfriend. Thus, the birth of a poly-fidelitous relationship. Over the past few weeks, I've realized a few things:
1) I'm not cut out for poly, by any stretch. I tried it, and I will never do it again. I felt like I was cheating on Jayne every time I was with Jess. I've asked Jayne for forgiveness. I don't know if it's normal to feel guilt or to feel that way, but I know that I can't keep the relationship going. I'm ending it. Jess is falling in love with me, and I don't feel the same.
2) I'll never love another woman the way that I love Jayne She's the only woman that belongs in my heart. That's my reality, and there's no denying it.

Biggest issue at hand: I'm tired of sharing Jayne. I've hidden it well due to wanting to keep her happy and knowing that she loves Jess. The turning point started when our second child was born last year. Having to share those bonding moments immediately after the birth with Jess bothered me for some reason. I started thinking, "This is the child Jayne and I created from love, but there's a third person in here sharing in our joy." It didn't sit right with me, and secretly rubbed me wrong.

Jess is beginning to feel like a third wheel, and I hate feeling that way. I don't know what to do about these feelings. I don't want to hurt Jayne or force her to choose. Divorce is not even in my realm of thoughts. It's not at that level or even close.

Recently, Jayne was on a business trip, and I flew there to surprise her. Initially, I wanted to spend the week alone with her. Lo and behold, Jess showed up on the 13th. Well, I had already planned a getaway within the trip, so when Jess showed up, it almost ruined it. Jayne didn't say anything, but I think she wanted me to invite Jess. I didn't, because I wanted to spend some time alone with Jayne without Jess being around. Truth be told, I don't feel bad for not inviting Jess. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be alone with somebody you love.

I know my relationship with Jess is over and ending as soon as I get back home. I don't want to send an email or break up with her via Skype. She deserves better than that. I don't know what to do about her feeling like a third wheel.

My desire is to no longer "share" Jayne. Before anyone asks, yes, I knew Jayne was poly in the beginning, but as we all know, people change. What you liked five years ago may not be what you like today. I think I've just changed.

What's the best way to channel these feelings? All opinions and advice are welcome and needed. Thanks in advance.
 
Matt said:
Yes, I knew Jayne was poly in the beginning, but as we all know, people change. What you liked five years ago may not be what you like today. I think I've just changed.
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I'm sorry you're hurting and that things haven't been as smooth as you'd hoped.

If I'm interpreting this right, you're saying that you've changed, but Jayne is basically the same person you married, at least in regards to being polyamorous. This is not a new thing. It's exactly what you signed up for

In that case, you basically have two options: 1) you learn to deal with your feelings, or 2) you leave. You've indicated that the second option is off the table, so that means learning to deal with your feelings.

The first step in that is communication. You need Jayne's support, and she can only provide that if she knows how you're feeling. But make sure you take responsibility for your feelings and own them as your own. There's a huge difference between "I'm feeling like this ___ and I just wanted to keep you in the loop" and "I'm feeling like this ___ and I want you to change your behaviour so I don't feel like that."

Communicate your needs/wants, and tell Jayne how she can help you meet them, without any expectation that she will leave Jess. This is primarily about you and your marriage, not so much about Jess. If you need more family time with Jayne and the children, tell her so.

It's amazing how effective simply getting your needs and wants out in the open can be. When you keep them to yourself, they tend to spin around and around in your head. Over-analysis makes them seem much worse than they really are. Voicing them makes them real, and making them real allows them to be dealt with.
 
Thanks. I've been away for the past week on business, so I've had a lot of time to think, process my thoughts, and figure out what to say to her. For me, it's not over-analyzing. I just needed time to think, and I've done that.

Jess is always around, and there's part of me that wants to tell her to back the hell up in the nicest way possible. Right now, there are days where I don't even want her at our house. At one point, she was there every single day and spending the night. She was spending 28 out of 31 days at our home. The 3 she didn't spend there were because of working overnight. She doesn't live with us, but if she did, the tension would be thick. The one place you should always feel comfortable is at home, and it would be far from that if she lived there. I think she could sense that her presence wasn't wanted or welcomed, so she has been staying at her apartment.

Let me put it like this. Jayne flew here to be with me, and this has been the most peaceful and relaxed week. It has been peaceful because Jess hasn't been around. We've had the time to talk, go on dates, and enjoy it just being the two of us, and spending time with our children. It's been cool, and I would love for it to just be the two of us, or the four of us, including our children.

I'm not forcing my wants onto Jayne. That wouldn't be right of me, since I "signed up" for this. Too bad I can't amend that deal and back out of tit

There have have been signs, be they subconscious or intentional. We were invited to a wedding, and I RSVPed +1, with the +1 being Jayne. I excluded Jess. Maybe I should feel bad about excluding Jess, and intentionally wanting her to be left out, but half of me doesn't.

My feelings aren't stemming from the pending demise of my relationship with Jess, and the transition back to a V. I've been feeling like this for a few months, and I thought the feelings would just subside and balance out. They haven't. They've become clearer, and I now know for sure that I can't continue being with Jess when I know I'll never be able to love her.

The problem with telling Jayne my feelings is she's automatically going to feel torn and like she has to make a choice. That's what I'm trying to avoid. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I don't want her to feel like she has to choose between me and our family or Jess. She already knows about my intentions of transitioning from a triad back to a V. She respects my feelings in that aspect.

I won't say that I'm miserable. I'm not, by any shot. But I'm happier when Jess isn't around like the plague. :(
 
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Ah, I think I'm understanding better now. In that case, my advice is somewhat different. When you started dating Jayne, did you agree to one day cohabit with her future other partners? If not, then asking for more quality family time is well within the initial polyamorous relationship agreement.

It doesn't sound so much like you're dealing with jealousy or even having a problem with Jayne's polyamory in general... rather that Jess is just there too much. So make that known. It's your home and you have every right to arrange it in a way that makes you comfortable. The girlfriend has an apartment, your wife can visit her there.

That doesn't remotely mean you're asking Jayne to choose between her family and Jess. Spending time with just her husband and kids in no way precludes spending other time with Jess. You're not even requesting that Jess never come over, just that she not come over all the time.

Matt said:
Jess is always around, and there's part of me that wants to tell her to back the hell up, in the nicest way possible. Right now, there are days where I don't even want her at our house. At one point, she was there every single day and spending the night. She was spending 28 out of 31 days at our home.
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I can relate. That would drive me bonkers. I'm a solitary introvert and I don't like people in my space. My husband is the first person I've ever been able to spend a consecutive week with, without contemplating ways to dispose of the body. Even then, at the end of his three-week annual vacation, I can hardly wait for him to go back to work.

The problem with telling Jayne my feelings is she's automatically going to feel torn and like she has to make a choice. That's what I'm trying to avoid. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I don't want her to feel like she has to choose between me and our family or Jess. She already knows about my intentions of transitioning from a triad back to a V. She respects my feelings in that aspect. I won't say that I'm miserable. I'm not, by any shot. But I'm happier when Jess isn't around like the plague. :(
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It's nice that you're so caring and compassionate, but sometimes hurting feelings is unavoidable. Jayne sounds understanding. She'll get over it. It's not like you're asking her to break up with Jess. You just want your own home to be your space once in a while. I think everyone will be understanding about that.
 
Further thoughts... possibly the best way to phrase this would be to focus on what you need for your family, rather than making it about Jess being there too much.

In other words, you need, e.g., a couple nights a week and one day on weekends that is designated family-only time. Then it's in no way about the Jess, or Jayne's polyamory, and in every way about your family's needs. Rather than being exclusive of Jess, it's inclusive of your family. Point of view is everything.
 
Please look into counseling, and work on the communication skills between the two of you. It's understandable that you would need alone time with Jayne and your family. You're feeling overwhelmed and oversaturated, and all your relationships are suffering. You need to be able to talk about this! Others here have said there are multiple relationships here and each need attention.

You and Jayne
You and your Jess (even as just your metamour)
The three of you together
Jayne and Jess
You as an individual (and each of them as individuals)
Now add in each of the kids, etc.

If sounds like the relationship between you and Jayne has been overshadowed and neglected by Jess.

I've been through the "OMG! Why is X always here? I want my house and family back. I never get to spend any time with you." Let me tell you, the emotional outburst/cut everything off usually doesn't work all that well. :rolleyes: Specifics work better. Sometimes you have to just start with one or two changes and build and adjust from there. It's amazing how just getting one of your needs met (that are currently being neglected) can change your outlook on the situation and toward this other person.

Not sure how old your kids are, but as they get involved in 500 activities, even in a mono relationship, scheduling and communication are key. Set a schedule for a weekly date night for you and Jayne. Set up three days that are just "your family. How many days a week do you need your house to be visitor-free?

I can't handle constant company either, but even worse is coming home to find people in my house after work. I don't like surprises. Give me a couple hours warning and I do much better. Do you have other activities you are involved in, that are just for you?

A number of years ago, things got so bad that every time I tried to plan a family vacation, my husband would invite this other family without even discussing it with me. All of a sudden they were coming with us. I finally got fed up with it and had to preface every vacation planning with "This is just for the four of us." He got the clue, and now I don't have to make that statement anymore.
 
Flat out, Jess's constant presence annoys me. Our marriage isn't suffering, but it's to the point that I don't want her around because she's there that much. She has a key and the passcode to the alarm system. She's like the houseguest/unwanted visitor who just won't leave and overstays their welcome.

The initial agreement was that she wouldn't move in. That still stands. Our marital home and bed were off-limits as far as living in. That was firm from the moment of proposal on. Jayne and Jess agreed. Visiting one's home isn't living there. That's what she does. She doesn't even need to pay rent. She might as well move in and help pay the mortgage as much as she's around. But before that happened, I'd move out first.

I hate to be a prick, but I've come close to putting her out. I'm within seconds of opening the door and asking her to leave right then and there. Rude? Yes, but I've been there. Necessary? It feels like it. At one point, she was trying to share our bed. I shut that down. Stay in one of the other four guest bedrooms if you just have to be in the house. Stay out of our bedroom.

It's not registering in her brain that we need alone time. I can't tell if she doesn't care, or if it just doesn't matter to her, and she just is a habitual boundary crosser. I'm huge on respect. Respect my time with my wife and fall back. I don't think that's unreasonable. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary and the one place where you can feel at home. Not the place you want to avoid.

Our children are young. 3 years and 8 months, so it will be awhile before they have football practice, cheerleading, etc. to keep them out of the house and busy. The 8-month old is still being nursed. Jayne is the one who insists on being at home every night. I never imposed that on her. It's what she always insisted on, so it's her choice to not spend the night at Jess's apartment. She doesn't want to be away from our kids or break the nighttime routines like reading them stories and getting them ready for bed. That's her thing. I can understand that.

I am fed up with my Jayne's polyamory as a result of this. I'm tired of sharing her. I'm steering clear of that fork in the road that leads to me asking her to choose between me or Jess. At times, I do want it to just be the two of us in this marriage and not three. I revealed that last night, and she was taken aback and quiet after that. I guess she has to process that, so when she's ready to talk, she'll come to me. There was no way I could express that without making somebody feel bad. That's just what it is, and I needed to get it out and in the open.

The lines of communication are open. We've always been honest with one another. This situation worsened over time. I thought the feelings would go away and that things would smooth out.

Jayne and I have date nights, but when we return home, there she is. Buzz kill. It always starts off as two and it ends up as three. You know it's bad when I have to be thousands of miles away from her to be alone with my wife with no interference from Jess' end.

If it continues on this path, I will request that she not enter our home at all. If that means changing the locks and removing her name from the list at the gate, that's just what it may end up having to come to.
 
This sounds like it could be a time-management problem. You are tired of sharing Jayne because your time/space management needs are not being met at home. You also don't want to date Jess anymore. You have her as your metamour.

You could tell Jess and Jayne directly:

" I would like to set up an appointment to talk about two things. In general...​
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1) We tried. Jess and I do not work as a couple because I've found I am monoamorous, and Jayne is IT for me. Jess and Jayne can keep seeing each other, but I am best off in the role of husband to Jayne, and metamour to Jess. I am sorry the dating experiment came to this, but it is what it is. I would like to remain friendly with Jess. We can talk about all that more deeply -- changing from a triad back to a V smoothly.​
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2) Jess is over X times a week. I need some alone time here with Jayne I need time alone with myself. With my kids. Would you both be willing to talk to me about space/calendar/time management-issues so everyone can get what they need in terms of time and space? I feel crowded in my home. I need to be free of that feeling. ​
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3) Do you have needs of your own that need addressing? When is a good time for all of us to talk so we remain in healthy relationship in our respective roles?"​

Tell each separately, and then together, so there's no triangulation and you get an appointment to talk in trio about these issues.

I was nursing for a long time. I know Jayne could take the nursing babe with her to her Jess's home. I took my nursling wherever I went. That is how it is at that stage of life. That is the price of admission Jayne could pay to a) keep harmony with you, b) still see Jess, and C) meet the baby's nursing needs.

The triad configuration did not fly, but as a V you'd still be in a polyship. You do not want to divorce, but the polymath balance need to be restored to meet your needs too. Speak up. You have be ok in a polyship with your people.

Each mini relationship inside the network needs to be in balance for the overall thing to feel okay and flying true. Right now, it sounds like you're flying crooked because your unarticulated needs are going unmet. I am glad you took the bull by the horns and have opened a dialogue. Good for you!

You do not want a divorce. So you could give it places to go where you could be okay, like Jayne taking the nursling with her to Jess's, and/or leaving to see Jess after the kids' bed/bath/story time.

You all make a calendar to address the polymath needs that are unbalanced right now:

  • Time for you alone.
  • Time for you and the kids alone.
  • Time for Jayne and the kids alone.
  • Time for you and Jayne alone.
  • Time for you and Jayne and the kids alone.
  • Time for the women alone.
  • Time for you and Jayne and Jess without kids (maybe).
  • Time for you all together. (This is being overdone now, but you don't need to overcompensate and make it zero forever.)
You could try the semester approach. We do that here. "Here's the map for this semester." Then people only have to suck up the compromises for that term, knowing that next term things can readjust again to meet changing needs. Sometimes knowing that helps. "All right, just for this term. Next term, I can ask for something different when we check in."

Ask the women what their suggested solutions are for meeting everyone's needs. Then you all cobble something together from those puzzle pieces, agree to try it for a time, and see how it goes. Check back in to evaluate after X weeks to see if things are good or still need tweaks. Hold each other accountable to agreements/promises made.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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Matt, I reread your posts, and it's not clear to me whether or not you've vocalized these matters surrounding Jess being at your place too much, or if you've just kept your mouth shut, and hinted, and hoped things would get better, while the situation grew more and more untenable for you, because you say that the "lines of communication are open." But have you used them? Have you had a conversation about this, and have your the women agreed, but done what they felt like anyway? Please explain it better so I can understand it.

Also, you have made it clear that you do not want to be in a "poly family" with Jess. Does Jayne accept that, or does she tell you one thing and behave in another way?

It would be very helpful if Jayne and/or Jess came here to give their sides of the story, before people give you too much more advice based on what you say, and what they think might be going on in the other people's minds.
 
It looks like he has said this to Jayne, but not to Jess. Perhaps if you were clear about the amount of time you needed for Jess not to be over, it would help her honor your boundary.
 
BoringGuy, I have said it in a way of being respectful of Jayne's desire to spend time with Jess, acknowledging that it's not just my home, and being mindful of their relationship. It's been vocalized, expressed, and deeply stressed. "Call before you show up." "Let us know in advance."

"Convey it to Ry (my wife's actual name), so I have some type of say who comes in and out of our home." I'm not sure how many different ways I can say the same thing and make it stick. I would like to say Si got the message that she wasn't welcome by me and won't do it anymore. That's like believing the Loch Ness monster is real. If it was anybody else, I wouldn't hesitate about putting them out for good and asking them to never return. That's just me and how I am.

I haven't been at home since Feb 28th, and Si ("Jess") stayed at her apartment leading up to me departing. That's not an accurate measure, because we had only been home for a short time. Days, as a matter of fact, and she was working an odd schedule. Since Ry has been away, I can guarantee she'll be right back at it when we return home. It feels more like a respecting our space, marriage, and and a boundary issue.

The decision to end my relationship with Si has been in the making for awhile. The feelings of guilt over being with her, and knowing that I'd never love her the way I love Ry, or even at all, were the final nails in the coffin. I always felt like I was cheating on Ry, and it didn't feel right. I tried it, and it's a lesson learned. I don't have it in me to love more than one woman. I'm a monogamous guy, and that's that.

Regarding my not wanting to be in a poly family anymore, it came up over dinner with Ry. I detailed why I feel the way I do. I didn't corner her like, "I feel like ___, and ___ this is what you need to do to fix it." It was more along the lines of, "Lately, I have come to realize that what I agreed to in the beginning is not quite what I want for the present or the future. I love you, and I vowed to keep a smile on your face.

"In keeping with our vow of honesty and being real with one another, I'm not feeling having a third person in our marriage. I agreed to this dynamic because I was in love with you, and I knew you were the woman for me. Much like a woman who had prior children from a previous marriage, it became a package deal. It was either lose the woman I love, or accept your lifestyle and the other person that came along with it...."

So on and so forth. Love won out. I can't say I have regrets, because I love Ry, and at this very moment, I'm in love with her. But I can't help feeling like I wish it was the two of us instead of three of us. As I'm getting closer to 40, it's hitting me that I don't want to grow old with Ry and Si. I want to grow old with just Ry. I feel wrong for thinking like that, but I have to own what I feel.

Ry is on here. I'll forward her the link and see if she's up to weighing in on the subjects at hand.
 
I'm the wife in this lovely little situation. :)

Hubby (Matt) has been super honest and upfront with me regarding his thoughts and desires. I will admit that Si has been spending quite a bit of time in our home. She has all but packed boxes and moved in.

Cohabitation is a no-no. That was mutually decided.

Matt has expressed it to Si, and I can't say it has gotten better, as it's not in practice due to us being in separate parts of the world. I returned home on the 20th of February from a medical conference in S.F., and Matt left 8 days later. During that time, there were no unexpected drop-bys or nightcaps. I attribute that to both of us working most of those nights, so Si didn't have the time to violate it. We'll see when we get home. If she doesn't listen, I wouldn't blame Matt if he did tell her that she was no longer welcome at all.

On the flight to Cabo on Valentine's morning, I sort of felt bad about leaving Si, but then I realized how much Matt and I needed one-on-one time. It did cross my mind about extending an invite to Si, but it was like no, because Matt planned this for us. No kids. No Si. Just me and him on a beach, enjoying each other's company. That initial feeling of wanting Si there melted like ice on a 95 degree day. I was happy that Matt was relaxing and not on edge because he had to invite Si. I loved, loved, loved every single day we spent together. We acted like honeymooners, and looking back, I could see the appeal of it just being us.

I don't believe the issue is just at home, though. It's evolved to everywhere. Family vacations, weddings, and at various events and such. The way it was explained to me was that Matt feels like he has to include Si, and it's clearly in a begrudging sense. He doesn't want to exclude her, so out of respect for me and my relationship with Si, he does what we as women do sometimes. He grins and bears it, but I feel like he secretly loathes it.

I could take our son with me to Si's place, but in all actuality, I probably wouldn't spend the night. Before we had children, maybe. I'm a homebody. I simply like waking up in my own home and being woken up by our daughter. Those little moments mean the world to me. Matt has never told me that I couldn't stay at her place. It's not what I want to do at this point. Visiting is fine, but home is where I feel the most comfortable.

Right now, I can't respond to him wanting Si completely out of the picture. That requires some serious talking with all three parties. First things first-- he has to formally end things with her. Matt wants to do it face to face. That's his right. From there, he and I need to talk. I have to talk to Si. I can't say that I'm opposed to being mono. I simply can't rule it out. It's not what I'm accustomed to it, so I can't knock it or say that's not for me.

A semester schedule seems quite nice in theory, but due to our ever-changing and evolving work schedules, it would have to be done on a week-to-week basis. We're all on call at different times and can be called in for an emergency at any given moment, which could throw off planned nights or time. The balance is off, and I don't want Matt's needs to be neglected. The whole schedule would have to be tentative and have a pink pen handy to make changes.

It's a work in progress. We're taking steps towards working out the kinks and attempting to get the balance back. We'll get there one way or the other. I'm positive and optimistic. I'm happy Matt came to me and expressed his feelings.
 
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GalaGirl said:
It sounds like it could be a time management problem. You are tired of sharing Jayne because your time/space management needs are not being met at home. You also don't want to date Jess. You have her as your metamour.

You could tell Jess and Jayne directly:

" I would like to set an appointment time to talk about two things. In general...​
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GalaGirl said:
1) We tried. Jess and I do not work as a couple because I find I am monoamorous. I am best off in the role of husband to Jayne, and metamour to Jess. I am sorry the dating experiment came to this... I would like to remain friendly. We could talk about all that more deeply -- changing from a triad back to V smoothly.​
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2) Jess is over X times a week. I need some alone time here with Jayne. I need time alone with me. Would you be willing to talk to me about space/calendar/time management issues so everyone can get what they need in terms of time and space? I feel crowded in my home. I need to be free of that feeling. ​
​
3) Do you have needs of your own that need addressing?..."​

Tell each separately and then together, so there's no triangulation...

Jayne could take the nursing babe with her to Jess's... That is the price of admission Jayne could pay to a) keep harmony with you, b) still see Jess and C) meet the baby's nursing needs.

The triad configuration did not fly, but in a V you are still in polyship. You do not want to divorce, but the polymath balance need to be restored to meet your needs too. So speak up...

Each mini relationship inside the larger polyship needs to be in balance... I am glad you took the bull by the horns and have opened a dialogue. Good for you!

You do not want a divorce.

She takes the nursling with her.

You make a calendar to address the needs that are unbalanced right now:

  • Time for you alone
  • Time for you and the kids alone
  • Time for Jayne and kids alone
  • Time for you and Jaye alone
  • Time for you and Jayne and the kids alone
  • Time for the women alone
  • Time for you and wife and Jess without kids (maybe).
  • Time for all together...

You could take it as the semester approach. "Here's the map for THIS semester." Then people only have to suck up on compromises for that term, knowing that next term things can readjust again to meet changing needs. Sometimes knowing that helps.

Ask the women for their suggestions. Then you all cobble something together from those puzzle pieces that could work and agree to try it for a time... Check back in to evaluate after X weeks to see if things are good or still need tweaks. Hold each other accountable...
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Thank you, GalaGirl. Very helpful suggestions.

My relationship with "Si" is good as done. I could end it via text, but that seems heartless. I care about her as a person, so my whole deal was doing it in person. I don't want it to be awkward for anybody involved.

My level of irritation with Si is high because I see her day in and day out at the hospital, and then, I get home after working 12 hours or whatever, and she's there again. I can't get away from her. It's like working with a spouse. You need time apart or feeling smothered is almost a given. Give us the chance to miss having you around. I wish I could say I had this strong need for her to be there, but it's MIA. I don't know if you all remember that show Living Single, but she reminds of the Max character. Always at their house, eating their food, and borderline living there.

If she has to stay around, there will be certain days. I can't go for back-to-back days. I don't want to see anybody 24 hours. Everybody needs time to breathe. There must be a break in between. If she has to stay in Ry's life, I don't want her to be part of everything we do.

Get a hobby. Take a yoga class. Go to your apartment. Do whatever it takes to stay away.

I'm guilty of biting the bullet and inviting Si to join us when I knew it was not all right with me. That was me being mindful of Ry's relationship and Si's feelings. These days I'm intentionally leaving her out. We'll see how it plays out.
 
Are you using your real names? Do you realize you have 12 hours to edit your posts, after that it's on the internet for good?

If you don't have a problem with your personal private life being out there, then disregard this public service announcement.
 
Boring Guy...

Thank you for the PSA. The names used are are letters from each of our names. In real life, we're already out to everyone, so it wouldn't be a biggie if people knew about this. :)
 
Can you clarify, Matt? Did you have these feelings of wanting Si around less before before becoming romantically involved with her? If not, I think it will be inordinately difficult to separate your strong feelings of guilt from your feelings about Si in general. Even though you didn't actually do anything wrong, you feel guilt about what transpired, and those feelings are what counts. It is extremely common for people in such a situation to feel adversely to the person they "cheated" with*. Seeing Si reminds you of those feelings, and makes you uncomfortable.

That may not be the entirety of the issue, or even the majority of it, but it is likely a contributing factor. If Si is important to your wife, it may be wise to just take one step at a time. Have the break-up, deal with the fallout, and see where life lands. It sounds like you have let all these emotions bottle up inside until now you just want to throw the whole thing away and not have to deal with it. That may be the easiest solution for you, but it also might cause unnecessary pain to your family. Not just Si and your wife, but if your kids have grown accustomed to having her around it will be painful to them as well if she is totally cut out of the arrangement.


* I know you didn't actually cheat, but it sounds like you are experiencing similar feelings to those circumstances.
 
FullofLove1052 said:
Thank you for the PSA. The names used are are letters from each of our names. In real life, we're already out to everyone, so it wouldn't be a biggie if people knew about this. :)
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Just be aware that your sig has Si's full name in it as well... :)
 
Time with my gf is definitely scheduled on a week-to-week basis. I prefer that, actually. My moods change, and I couldn't do a "Thursday is always date night" schedule, because what if I wanted to do something else on Thursday?

You've asked her to phone before coming over, and it sounds like she's not respecting that. So put your foot down on that point. Every single time she comes over without calling first, whether or not you really mind her being there that particular time, tell her "Sorry, we've asked you to call before coming. We're having family time now, please come back a different night. Remember to call first."

I would also take away the key and change the security code. Those are for people who live with you. Next time she comes over, just ask for the key back. Even if she has another copy, you're going to change the security code. Nothing says "You're not welcome here right now" like cops showing up, locked and loaded...
 
I agreed to giving her a key because sometimes the nanny has things to do, and if we're at work, somebody has to be there. She stepped up so we wouldn't have to hire a second person. That was fine. We didn't mind the help. Somehow and some way the visits turned into overnight and extended stays.

Examples of what I can live with. If I'm working overnight, which isn't unusual, it's cool if she's there with my wife. I know they have their Lifetime movie nights. Saves me from crazy movie central. No issue. She comes over on Sundays to watch Downton Abbey, maybe? Cool. But here's the problem. She doesn't leave that night, or the following morning, or even ask if we mind if she stays longer than expected. It's assumed that it's wanted by both of us. (If asked, the answer would be no from me every time.)

She'll leave to go to work or visit her apartment to get clothes, and then she returns, like it's her house. We get home around 6 or 7, and when we get there, she's already there. I didn't want to treat her like the hired help and tell her that her services were no longer needed for the evening. Maybe I should have, and this would be under control.

As a goodwill gesture, we've asked if she wanted to stay for dinner. I thought it would be understood that after dinner, she could politely exit stage left, and enjoy her night at her own apartment. It nver panned out that way.

Seriously, you are right. Nothing gets the message across like police showing up. If she can't respect our house and rules, stay away. The code for the panel and the password with the company will be changed. If necessary, the locks, too.
 
So you're ready to go from inviting her to stay for dinner so she doesn't feel like hired help, assuming she'll politely exit stage left, to "nothing gets the message across like the cops showing up"?

You REALLY do need to work on your communication skills. Not your Ry's, not Si's, but yours. There are more than those two extremes. That's no way to handle this.

I hope you learn and grow from this episode in your life, that is all.
 
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