CherryBlossomGirl
Inactive
Beautifully put.
You say things beautifully. Makes perfect sense to me.
You say things beautifully. Makes perfect sense to me.
Feeling very confused and sad
- Thread starter AZtriad
- Start date
First I want to say thank you all for your responses.
However, I was very taken aback by the first one. As if I weren't depressed as it was, that response made me feel more horrible about myself than ever.
Let me clarify some things. I am not in control of anyone's sex life. It was more about being comfortable with it than anything. This is very new to us. For you to say the things you said was extremely hurtful to me. You saying triads don't work was not what I wanted to hear. I came here for support. That was the last thing I needed to hear. So please, if you are not going to be supportive, and just going tell me how I'm horrible and triads don't work, then please do not comment on my posts.
As far as our triad goes, we talked it through and we are ok. I want to clarify that our relationship is not all about sex. In fact we have only had "fun" with her once. Between us being out of town, all of us being sick, and the girl's TOM, it really hasn't happened, which is OK. I just don't want people to think that's what it is.
Am I insecure in my marriage? I don't think I am, otherwise I wouldn't be okay with being in a poly relationship. I think it was more of a comfort issue. I needed to feel comfortable them being alone and having sex. And I am okay with it. Just took me a bit to be okay with it.
A lot of this was a communication issue. She bottled things up till she couldn't take it anymore. She jumped to breaking it off before we talked through it. But that's exactly what we did, talked through it. Now she knows how how I feel, and most importantly, I know how she feels.
I couldn't be happier that I didn't lose her over this. I love her very much and was heartbroken last night. But very happy that we are still together. Me and her went and had lunch together and it felt so good to be with her again. It's hard to that we live a little far from each other. So when we get to see her we cherish every moment we get.
Thank you again for your advice.
I look forward to continuing this awesome relationship with my husband and awesome partner. I love you both very much.
However, I was very taken aback by the first one. As if I weren't depressed as it was, that response made me feel more horrible about myself than ever.
Let me clarify some things. I am not in control of anyone's sex life. It was more about being comfortable with it than anything. This is very new to us. For you to say the things you said was extremely hurtful to me. You saying triads don't work was not what I wanted to hear. I came here for support. That was the last thing I needed to hear. So please, if you are not going to be supportive, and just going tell me how I'm horrible and triads don't work, then please do not comment on my posts.
As far as our triad goes, we talked it through and we are ok. I want to clarify that our relationship is not all about sex. In fact we have only had "fun" with her once. Between us being out of town, all of us being sick, and the girl's TOM, it really hasn't happened, which is OK. I just don't want people to think that's what it is.
Am I insecure in my marriage? I don't think I am, otherwise I wouldn't be okay with being in a poly relationship. I think it was more of a comfort issue. I needed to feel comfortable them being alone and having sex. And I am okay with it. Just took me a bit to be okay with it.
A lot of this was a communication issue. She bottled things up till she couldn't take it anymore. She jumped to breaking it off before we talked through it. But that's exactly what we did, talked through it. Now she knows how how I feel, and most importantly, I know how she feels.
I couldn't be happier that I didn't lose her over this. I love her very much and was heartbroken last night. But very happy that we are still together. Me and her went and had lunch together and it felt so good to be with her again. It's hard to that we live a little far from each other. So when we get to see her we cherish every moment we get.
Thank you again for your advice.
I look forward to continuing this awesome relationship with my husband and awesome partner. I love you both very much.
Natja
New member
I did not set out to hurt you. In fact, I made sure to say I was actually toning it down for you, and I hoped to help you see it from another point of view. But please, how am I to know 'what you want to hear'? Am I a mind reader? Did you put in your OP, 'I only want to hear comments that make me feel happy and validated?' No, you didn't. And I think it is incredibly passive aggressive to then come back and say 'I did not like what you have to say. It is not supportive enough, so don't bother!' You can't do that. And neither can you aver that I called you horrible. I did not at any point say that.
In my experience, triads are short-lived, and probably much more full of drama than most people can tolerate, post-NRE. Some last for a few years though, and it is important for people to enjoy the relationships they have as individuals, and not get so stuck into everything staying the same. Yes, you need to hear that. You may not want to, but you need to.
And I wonder when, during the two months you've been together, getting intimate once, sickness, long distance and familial responsibilities, you found the time to discuss moving in together? Do you understand at all why anyone would find that a little alarming?
So, instead of getting all indignant, why not take responsibility for the situation you presented?
It sounded pretty final to me. But all right, people can change their minds. I'm glad to hear you all arrived at an understanding and came to new agreements to try.
Perhaps learning how to deal with conflict constructively could be something you all could talk about. Your gf bottling things up till explosion is not a healthy way to go. You all could take this as opportunity to talk about healthier conflict resolution methods.
And stress that if things do not work out in the long run, despite trying your new agreements on for a time, let her know how you prefer to be broken up with, rather than a cold drop like that. That seemed to really bother you.
GG
Perhaps learning how to deal with conflict constructively could be something you all could talk about. Your gf bottling things up till explosion is not a healthy way to go. You all could take this as opportunity to talk about healthier conflict resolution methods.
And stress that if things do not work out in the long run, despite trying your new agreements on for a time, let her know how you prefer to be broken up with, rather than a cold drop like that. That seemed to really bother you.
GG
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And in my personal experience, triads can be long-lasting, low drama and a wonderful way to live for all involved. But as do all relationships, they require routine maintenance. It helps if the people involved have some life experience under their belts, however, and are realistic in their expectations. Compromises are inevitable.
I wish you the best of luck.
CherryBlossomGirl
Inactive
Grain of salt, or a cupful when needed
Hey, AZ. Glad that you're all communicating, and that you feel more comfortable, and are happy with how things are moving forward. Just know that you have a right to feel what you need to feel, and to ask for things to slow down or pause when you need them to. Your experience is just as important and valid as anyone's, and coming from a place of fear when moving things forward might not merit you the same happiness as waiting until you are truly ready.
You'll need to grow a thick skin on this forum. You'll also find friends who will support you and allow you to find your own way. You'll find the blog section of the forum must less peppered with "advice" that hurts, and more people just wanting to read and learn from your story. I have made true friends on this forum. You will find yours. So don't worry about the rest. They present a viewpoint, and while it's worth considering, the stuff that helps you find your truth is the most valuable of all. Don't take it personally. We're all strangers who know nothing about your life at present. Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter won't mind.
Cheers, and good luck on your poly journey.
@northhome, kudos to you and yours.
Hey, AZ. Glad that you're all communicating, and that you feel more comfortable, and are happy with how things are moving forward. Just know that you have a right to feel what you need to feel, and to ask for things to slow down or pause when you need them to. Your experience is just as important and valid as anyone's, and coming from a place of fear when moving things forward might not merit you the same happiness as waiting until you are truly ready.
You'll need to grow a thick skin on this forum. You'll also find friends who will support you and allow you to find your own way. You'll find the blog section of the forum must less peppered with "advice" that hurts, and more people just wanting to read and learn from your story. I have made true friends on this forum. You will find yours. So don't worry about the rest. They present a viewpoint, and while it's worth considering, the stuff that helps you find your truth is the most valuable of all. Don't take it personally. We're all strangers who know nothing about your life at present. Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter won't mind.
Cheers, and good luck on your poly journey.
@northhome, kudos to you and yours.
Natja
New member
I have yet to hear of one. Wow! Where are all these really long-term FMF poly-fi triads hiding? I wish they would just pipe up!
Good luck to you, too, whatever it is you do!
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
I would venture to say that they are off living their quiet lives of happy triad lovingness. People tend to seek out internet forums when they are new to a concept, or having trouble and seeking advice. Once they have stuff figured out, many people turn their attention elsewhere. "Really long-term FMF poly-fi triads" would have less need to spend time talking about polyamory. They have figured out what works for them. (And although our forum members would benefit from their experiences, they are not required to spend their time sharing that insight with the forum. That is their choice.)
Also, it might be prudent to remember that the vast majority of polyamorists are not even aware that polyamory.com exists. They may not know that the word "polyamory" exists. The members here, and those of other poly forums, RL meetups, etc., represent a small sliver of the polyamorous population, a self-selected sliver, i.e., internet-savvy, polyamorous-identified people, who have chosen to seek out conversation or advice in a public forum.
Your average "really long-term FMF poly-fi triad," which has been happily grooving along since the 1960s, statistically speaking, they probably do use the internet-- to order organic seeds for their farm, research the latest solar-panel upgrades, download Woodstock clips, and pay their dues at the local co-op.
To the aging hippies in the crowd, this last part is tongue-in-cheek. I was born in the wrong decade. I'm describing my own modern-hippie dream here.
JaneQ
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JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Yes. That is why I included "RL meetups, etc." in my post above. But, essentially the same argument exists. Again, statistically speaking, most poly-practicing people are not part of any "poly community," online or offline. And they might not identify as polyamorous at all, if their relationship developed before the 1990s, when the word was invented. Their relationship might just be this configuration that developed a long while ago. It works for them; they don't have to have a name for it.
A "really long-term FMF poly-fi triad" is not likely to be part of offline poly communities either, for the same reasons. As they are poly-fi, they are not looking for new partners. They wouldn't be looking for support and advice as to how to "do" poly because they are "doing" it just fine, etc. You wouldn't see them, because they are busy doing other stuff (hobbies, careers, raising kids/grandkids, etc.). Polyamory would be a stable small part of their lives at that point. So, unless you happened to be friends with them in real life outside of a poly context, and they happened to disclose that to you, then you could be living next door to a "really long-term FMF poly-fi triad" and never know.
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Natja
New member
Why do you think that offline polyamorous communities only exist for people to find new partners or receive advice? I don't know where you are, but that is definitely not the case over here. Perhaps that is more the case abroad. If so, I would then understand why you would think that.
However, saying that, the "old guard" you referred to do tend to be a lot more activist-minded than younger folks, so you would expect to see them amongst the more political side of all alternative lifestylers. And yet... they are still not around. (I am more in the political arena, myself.)
And if no one is ever seeing them, just presuming they must exist because they must-- could that be considered proof, or just mere speculation? It's like trying to prove the existence of gods. You believe these long-lived happy triads must exist, based upon faith and hearsay.
I just want to point out that this is really getting off topic. I would really prefer not to hijack the OP's thread further about something that really has little to do with her specifically.
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Exactly. We don't actually have any connection to poly groups. We simply concentrate on living life. We've found that the best way to go about things is to simply act as if our relationship choice were normal. When people see that we are happy, not in drama, successful, they tend to focus less on who's sleeping with whom, etc.
Above all, we are not trying to be 'out.' To most people, we are two families living on the same property who are really good friends. That works just fine for us.
If, on the other hand, someone asks about our relationships, we have no problems answering honestly. Not many people ask, though.
I'm not sure it is off-topic. Exploring a triad is a big adventure, and there are certainly enough people around that act as doomsayers and harbingers of woe to those who are brave enough to talk about the challenges they are facing. So it might well be of use for the OP to hear that the idea of a well-functioning triad is not a totally crazy one.
Natja
New member
Her situation is her situation, and right now there is nothing very positive about it, except that they are all willing to give it a go, for now. Whether there is one single functioning triad in the world or not won't really help her situation. It is only of benefit to the people in it. Every day there are dozens of people signing up to poly sites idealistically looking for their 'third.' It would just be pretty cruel to encourage them. Most won't get what they want, will they?
So, perhaps I am a naysayer. But I don't mind, since there can be too much coddling, too much encouraging of unrealistic ideals, and support of dysfunctional relationships on some polyamory boards.
BoringGuy
Banned
Natja
New member
Haha. Well, to be honest, BG, I have seen worse.
But seriously, I want to give the poor OP a rest. Triad rows seem to come up all the time, and that was certainly not my intention when I initially posted.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
I actually don't think part of the discussion is very far off topic. In the OP's second post she wrote:
Since the post that she was "very taken aback" by was yours, I think it is valid to make the argument that your viewpoint is not the only one and the arguments as to why your perspective may be biased.
I don't know where you are, so I don't know where "here" and "abroad" are referring to. I'm in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA.
And I could very well be misinformed as to why offline poly communities exist, since I have never participated in one. It seems that online poly communities exist to find new partners and receive advice,among other things. I didn't say "only." although I can see how you would read that from my post. To promote activism and provide social support would be other reasons that come to mind. So it would make sense to me that offline poly groups would exist for the same reasons.
The old guard that are part of offline poly communities may tend to be politically/activist minded. I don't know that there is any reason to believe that even a large minority of them are. Most of the aging hippies that I know are not politically active. They've "been there, done that" and are focusing on personal growth and ethical living in their own lives I've IDdd as poly for 20+ years (which, admittedly, doesn't make me "old guard"), and am not an activist or a member of offline poly communities.
If no one is seeing them, then they may or may not exist, like deities. However, unlike god-like entities, the hypothesis is actually testable. Some of us are saying that some people DO see them. The fact that you don't see them doesn't mean they don't exist - if you are looking in the wrong places.
An analogy: Say someone is told about the existence of an animal, the "polar bear." This someone travels extensively to many countries, visits many climates, is very knowledge about many types of animals and their habitats. They have covered much of the globe. They have seen animals that resemble "polar bears" to some degree (black bears/brown bears-- V's, N's, etc). They come to the conclusion that "Polar bears DO NOT exist because I have never, in all my travels, ever seen one." Someone tries to point out that while polar bears are not as common as black bears and brown bears, the reason that they have not seen one is that they have not traveled to the Arctic. They are looking in the wrong places.
JQ
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Natja
New member
Yes, and I have seen fairies, elves, the Loch Ness Monster, and giants also. My friend has seen the Virgin Mary. Are you a believer?
"Some of us are saying that some people DO see them," will not wash with me. You better start testing that hypothesis, or start praying to Nessie.
It was asked for a FMF poly triad to speak up, so I will. I live with my boyfriend and girlfriend. We've been together for about five years and living together for three. My boyfriend and I started off as the established relationship. It hasn't been easy, but we love being a triad. We also see other people, but I didn't see the OP saying that they weren't allowed to see other people. So... yeah. Happy, healthy FMF triad. It happens.
BoringGuy
Banned
If you don't mind, would you tell us how this came about? For example, were you and your boyfriend non-monogamous from day one, or did you decide to become non-monogamous after being together for a period of time? Did you and your boyfriend say to each other, "Let's look for a 'third to add to our relationship,'" or did you just happen to have a friend that developed into something more?
You already mentioned that you all are open, not closed, so that does not put you in a "unicorn hunter" category/label.
For those of you who don't like the way I write-- would it be trolling or flaming if I named names? Is it "passive-aggressive" to NOT name names?-- damned if you do, damned if you don't: first of all, I don't care what you think, but just so you know, as well as the rest of you, I'm asking this purely out of academic curiosity. If you want to call me a "couple bigot," then you go right ahead and do that. I know myself.
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