Poly "lifestyle" questions

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FreeLoveDove

New member
Hello there. I am a newbie and wonder about a few things that maybe you can help clear up. I am excited to meet other poly friends so as to strengthen my beliefs with a healthy attitude, etc. Of course, finding someone to become close friends with and something leading towards companionship would be great, but so far, while looking through the personals threads, it seems that most posts are from couples looking to find a bi girl to join the sex triangle as a newfound discovery of their sexual desire to spice it up.

Forgive me if that is assuming too much. I am sure that the discovery of being poly has the potential to happen to anyone at any time in their life, whether it be during a time they are in a committed relationship or not.

For me, I am on this forum to meet others who are interested in making connections with people that are sincere and genuine and not focused on fulfilling a sexual role. So here are my thoughts...

- If a couple decides to be poly and seeks a "bi girl" to join the relationship, how can this be polyamory? Am I confusing the idea of poly with pan? Maybe I am. I suppose I am a bisexual poly or maybe a pansexual poly person, but are there in fact all three, hetero and homo and bisexual poly people?

- Based on experience, I would be quite skeptical of a couple claiming to be poly while seeking only a girl to join them, because if they genuinely wanted to expand their circle, and leave room for the possibility of sexual encounters, wouldn't they also like to invite a male, for the satisfaction of sharing love in a open way?

- My idea of poly is that one has many lovers. Period. Meaning that one person has many lovers. A straight couple seeking another female, who would therefore be the secondary simply by definition, would be more like polygamy, which is not bad either, at all. But do polygamy and polyamory get smeared when considering this scenario?

- My concern is that if a couple goes hunting together, that one of the people in the relationship might still be attached to the idea of monogamy and may simply be conceding to their partner's desire to be poly, and so joins in the pursuit halfheartedly. I myself would like to find various one-on-one companions, with varying levels of shared interests and/or intimacy. And if perhaps one day they should overlap and form a closer union of more than two, great! But only if all persons are wholeheartedly content.

I have been approached by men in committed relationships who simply want to have a side relationship with me, but do not want to tell their main girlfriend. I can't help but wonder if someone who has cheated and starts to feel bad about it opens up the idea of being poly, in order to get their committed lover to accept that they are no longer monogamous. Or, is no one really monogamous, and we all just try it because it's a cultural thing?

Please please do know that I ask these questions out of sincere acceptance of all those seeking their passion and full expression of self. I am just new to this community and am curious about it. I would love to hear from some of the couples seeking, and hear their side, and why they believe it is poly. I would also like to hear from those people who are in a relationship that seek other relationships one-on-one, without necessarily seeking together.

Thank you, thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I'm curious and look forward to learning more. :)
 
Many on this forum have a "big tent" understanding of polyamory, defining the term simply as openness to having more than one committed, loving relationship at a time.

This can take many different forms, including closed triads. Remaining single and having many lovers, as you describe, is sometimes called "solo poly", or sometimes "network" or "cluster" poly, depending on who knows whom. There are also Vees and Ns (and Ws) and quads and DADT arrangements with "play" partners . . .

However, if you look for posts on "unicorn hunting", you'll see that many on this forum share some of your concerns about couples seeking to "add someone special" to their relationship.

It's not that such an arrangement cannot work out equitably for all three partners, but that there are a number of factors stacked against such an outcome, including the extreme difficulty of locating a "hot bi babe" (the community's term, not mine) willing to enter into such an arrangement on short notice.
 
Another note, is that this isn't really a site to find people to have a relationship with. There are a lot of dating sites for that, and people have discussed them before. Not that it's impossible to find someone on here that you click with, just like anywhere else.

Mostly this is a forum to discuss, blog, ask questions. It's more a forum for people to commiserate and all that.

Now, I understand what you are saying about the "unicorn hunters," and to be perfectly honest, you have probably stumbled into the area where people are either introducing themselves, or asking about others in their area. Many times these couple post that they are looking for someone, but don't actually participate in the discussions going on here.

That's a misrepresentation, I feel, of the couples that are active here. As someone that has been married and then came out as poly, it gets a little exhausting to explain over and over that not everyone is in it for a perfect little triad or quad, that not every couple is putting unrealistic and unfair expectations on partners.

I, for example, am pan. While I would love more relationships with women, romantic or otherwise, I do not put out there that all I want is a woman. I most certainly do not put out that they have to be secondary, or interested in my husband as well! I look for relationships, period. Whatever form they take, male, female, serious, long term, short term, they sort of evolve from that person, not a preconceived notion of what will work.

That doesn't mean that there aren't things I have in place as far as my boundaries for a relationship, but everyone has those. They are the things we personally are or aren't comfortable with. They are there because I have children, and becoming a part of my life, long term or intimately, means at some point the kids will know and possibly there would be involvement there. However, that would be the same if I were single with kids.
 
Thank you

Thanks for the insight! I understand this forum is not to meet up for relationships. I was looking through the personals posts and just looking for a little insight about it all.

I have been on dating sites too, and just got turned off by all the couples who would contact me looking for a HBB to please them. Now that I am not on the dating sites have come to this forum, when I saw similar postings I was a little surprised to find pretty much the same in those posts. That is all.
 
Please don't get the wrong idea about polyamory from the "personals ads" here. That area is full of newbies looking for their "hot bi babe to be added to" their marriages. Yuck. Hate it. It's a common newbie mistake, however. Having two women is the most common sexual fantasy of men. If a man has a bi wife, he/they reckon, "Voila! Let's get ourselves a gf to share."

Is it a fantasy of most women to be a shared toy for a married couple? No. And secondaries like that, when those relationships do happen, are often treated like shit, pardon my French.

Most people here, married, coupled or not, date as single people. Finding themselves a significant other, one on one. Occasionally, one person's OSO is attracted to his or her metamour (partner of their partner) and three-way romance/sex/love can happen. That is key: letting it happen, not coming in with the expectation of a triad or quad, where all three or four are equally attracted to each other and always ready for orgies.
 
Oh, and dating sites for women are just hard. I know men have it hard, in that women don't reply much. For women, it seems to be the opposite. I have in my profile that I am poly, that I have a husband and a boyfriend, that I am not into casual sex, I do not date couples, I will not have a "discreet affair," all parties must be on the same page, aware, etc. I still get those people that did not bother reading my profile. Couples that ask about a date, men who are all, "Hey, wanna meet up for some fun?" That's just the price of admission on those sites. I weed through. For every 10-15, I find someone I can actually talk to!

Newbies, especially couples, are not aware of how they look to outside eyes. They also, most of the time, haven't done the research, so they haven't really figured out their own issues, and instead go into poly assuming that they can expect to find that one special person who will bend and just deal with their issues. If they are insecure or worried, and so want to do everything together, others just will deal!

If there's one thing I've learned in poly, it's that hiding your issues and not dealing is hard in one relationship. In multiple? Nearly impossible, without destroying the relationships. It's as if your own personal issues have nowhere to hide. So really, you can be difficult and expect everyone else to deal, but sooner or later, you are going to have to do your own work on yourself.
 
Because the term "poly" is relatively new, I think it does get used a little loosely and poly seems to have a obtained a proverbial black eye because of it.

I personally believe it is irresponsible to become involved with someone without meeting whoever else they may be involved with. You would be amazed at what gets rationalized and miscommunicated between partners when someone tells you that their partner is aware and OK with them seeing other people, as often that may not be the case. Unless you know them fairly well, the only way to know for sure is to meet their SO. Maybe I have just had bad luck, but I think meeting in person is very necessary if you really want to know.

It's not that people are necessarily, intentionally being deceitful, but sometimes in the process of "figuring it out" when a person talks with the SO about other people they are "friends" with, the terms they use are vague. Being vague causes trouble and the trouble it causes is common until specific language is used and it will wreak havoc in your life and you will want to avoid relationships with people who do not fully understand aftermath of being vague when you need to be specific.
 
I am one of the people who takes issues with the "unicorn" hunters. But it is their life and they are allowed to search for their heart's desire.

My poly experience is my own and I can not speak for others.

I am a straight female. I have absolutely no interest in women whatsoever, sexually. I have a husband of almost 12 years and a boyfriend of a year. I have no interest in anyone beyond my guys. They fulfill my needs. I do not do casual sex.

I consider myself in a V, with me as the hinge between my boyfriend Murf and my husband Butch.

Murf is mono.

Butch has play partners. They just partake in BDSM play only, no sex, even though I have laid out rules in case things go to that level. His partners keep trying to gather a tribe around themselves. I warned Butch that it was going to get ugly with the different personalities involved, and it has. The central unit on their side is a couple who are unicorn hunting. Luckily Butch has kept himself out of the mess, other than being who everyone seems to run to with their problems.
 
FreeLoveDove said:
I suppose I am a bisexual or maybe a pansexual poly person. Are there hetero and homo and bisexual poly people?
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Polyamory is just a structure or approach to relationships. Anyone who desires multiple loving relationships can practice polyamory, if they are willing to meet the challenges it presents, whether they are straight, gay, bi, pan, ace, whatever. There is no requirement to be bisexual to have multiple relationships!

FreeLoveDove said:
My idea of poly is that one has many lovers. Period. Meaning that one person has many lovers.

I myself would like to find various one-on-one companions with varying levels of shared interests and/or intimacy, and if perhaps one day they should overlap and form a closer union of more than two, great! But only if all persons are wholeheartedly content.
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Great! You have a pretty clear idea of what you want. It sounds like you are single and wish to practice "solo poly." There are others here, including me, who fly solo also. I am straight. My ideal is to have several lovers, and I also like to keep my relationships separate. No poly tribe for me.

For some more viewpoints from other solo polyfolk, go here to this thread: Solo poly people - what's your ideal?. Feel free to contribute your own post to it.
 
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I am bi and poly.
My husband is hetero and poly.
My boyfriend is hetero and mono.

There are many ways it can be configured. In our situation, whilst I am poly and choose to have two lovers, my husband is poly, but chooses to have only one lover at this time. My mono boyfriend has one lover (me), and doesn't see that changing.
 
Today, I am grateful simply for the opportunity and understanding of the possibility to love multiple partners. I am grateful for my wife's opportunity to do the same. I've given up on designs. I suppose i like the ideas of "polyflexible" and "polyconsiderate"
 
I understand what you are saying about couples hunting. If you look up my hubby Marvin's post about his story, you will infer that my gf and I were "taking applications" when we all became us. We had tried it before, and were both equally on board. It sounds strange, but we aren't really bisexual. We just loved each other and chose to be companions.

We both knew we wanted a man, not a toy, but a man to love, and to love us, and to spend life with. But how do you approach someone like that?

"Hey, by the way, would you like to have sex with two women instead of one For The Rest Of Your LIFE? Oh, and also two women nagging, saying you don't listen, having PMS simultaneously and expecting your ongoing love and adulation (if not abject worship)."

Okay, to be fair, the worship part is just me. I'm a Leo, so go figure. 😛

It was hard. First I tried "cold calling" dating sites, etc., because I'm the outgoing one. No success. Meat markets.

Then we had a couple of opportunities with people I knew and liked. But R and I are opposites, so it was difficult. We didn't like the same guys, and they tried, but couldn't balance the relationships. I'd even given up and had considered having an outside relationship, but it was too painful for R, and not the right man.

So in a one more try at this state of mind, we compromised. We had both known Marvin (and no, he is so not a Marvin, I have no idea why I chose that username) he was A LITTLE younger (caps for his benefit) and a hottie! We had all known each other for years. She had had a quiet crush on him during their coffee breaks, and I had comforted him through two crazy marriages, hung out with him as a buddy, teased him like the total a-hole I could be back then, and found comfort in his friendship.

I would love to say what followed was a "smooth transition," but it was not. There was a lot of selfishness, jealousy, insecurity on all sides. Five years later, things have finally bloomed. I can't imagine life without them. I love them both fiercely and I know we would all live and die for each other. I know firsthand it's hard.

And being solo is very difficult without guilt or hurting someone. The truth is not always kind to hear, even if it's what you want. Just be careful and try not to hurt others in your search to be you. That's the big Rubiks cube. I find it much easier to be a triad. It's nice to be able to tell your best friends about each other, and to have a non-biased mediator in an argument.

Wow, I digress.

My point (before I got distracted) was that the best relationships start as honest friendship. It takes time, and there is no quick fix, like some people look for. I wish you all the best in search of true love, in whatever form it takes.
 
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