Question for the emotionally sensitive

So how do you deal with something like this in a poly situation where communication is so important?
Click to expand...

Other than just not date a poly newbie like this, who assumes things, has no plan, doesn't think things out, assumes negative intent and gets mad when I ask him to clarify-- slow it way down.

I let it unfold as it will, with me, or with others he dates, so I can see how that operates on the communication front. I wait to share sex too.

I ask and reflect back when I think things are missing in the conversation.

​
"When you say ____, do you mean ____?"​
​
"I am not hearing you actually asking me anything or making a request. Am I just a listening ear here? What's your expectation of me?"​

I call him on his conduct.

"You face looks _____. Your tone is _____. You seem mad when I ask for more information so I can understand where you are coming from. Are you mad?"​
​
And then I take note. If he's always doing this, and not learning to communicate more assertively to make his needs known, I would walk away, because for my own personal standard, I value things like responsiveness, forthrightness, and not having to read people's minds. I don't want to be doing all the emotional work and heavy lifting in the relationship. I don't want to date emotional weenies. It's tiresome.

There's being patient on the "just started dating" learning curve and having to learn the new person, take their measure. But when they show me who they are, and they don't meet my standard, I believe it. I break up. Remaining friends or not remains to be seen. But I'm not dating a person who is too much work and not naturally compatible with my own personality/style. It's not worth it to me.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
O.M.G., I. LOVE. YOU! This is exactly how I am comfortable operating. That whole, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them" thing? Yep. Right there.

Since this is so new to both of us, I feel like giving it time to work out some wrinkles. He definitely seems like someone who will put in the work to modify his behavior or style of doing things so that the relationship has the best possible chance. So far, I trust him to put the work in. But he is an engineer and has a tendency to do things slowly and methodically. I guess I'll just have to see if I have the patience for that or not.

You know, I'm really enjoying this community. We hold so many of the same values when it comes to being responsible in a relationship. Communication is so key, and it's very hard to find people who will do that. They think it's just supposed to work itself out, if it's meant to be. I don't believe in fate or "meant to be." I believe in hard work, honesty, and communication, respect.

This has been cathartic for me, so far. Thank you all so much for your input. It is truly appreciated. :)
 
I am confused. :confused: This bit...

He definitely seems like someone who will put in the work to modify his behavior or style of doing things so that the relationship has the best possible chance. So far, I trust him to put the work in.
Click to expand...

does not seem to jive with this from your other thread.

But this is a guy whom I could see breaking a rule to passively-aggressively make me break up with him. And I'm not having that shit.
Click to expand...

A guy who will break rules to foment a break up scene is not doing the work to modify his behavior so the r'ship has the best possible chance.

You do not sound solid on trust-building with him here yet. :(

You could talk about how you like to be broken up with, if it has to come to that, for whatever reason.

Tell him your expectation:
​
"I expect my dating partner will will put in the work to modify his behavior or style of doing things so that the relationship has the best possible chance."​

Ask if he agrees to uphold that agreement or not before agreeing to continuing the relationship.

Proceed with caution if you decide to date this dude. I'd suggest proceeding with caution whether this becomes a poly-dating situation or not.

It is good you value communication, but you could lay it out there crystal clear, your standard-- "I expect to be treated like this in a dating relationship. Can you agree to treat me this way, or not?" Even if when you ask "How do you want me to treat you?" is currently out to jury, because he's not thought things out for himself, do get that information from him when he's done thinking, but in the meanwhile get your own things out there.

Do not assume he knows what these things mean to you: hard work, honesty, communication, respect. Define them. How would your dating partner demonstrate these things to you, especially since he sounds like a newbie, at best? Your 100% is still only 50% of the fuel for the relationship between you and him for it to fly right. He sounds wishy-washy to me, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, assume positive intent, and just say he's a "newbie" instead.

What I perceive in reading could be wrong. Just proceed with caution here. You seem to have some stuff going on that could be sorted out first. You could both talk and sort it out.

You actually live your reality. You know best what you have at hand here. You could calibrate with him, before trying to build a deeper dating relationship, so you are on the same page going in about what you expect of each other. You seem like you are trying to get a handle on that.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
No, you're absolutely right. He and I would definitely have to have a discussion about there being absolutely no passive-aggression.

I'm feeling a little more relaxed about the situation after I talked to him this afternoon, and told him I wasn't even going to consider this until he was more educated about it. I'm very good at laying down my boundaries.

And he absolutely is a newbie. It sounds like a lot of you guys have been doing this for a long time. Do you remember what it was like when you first started and had no idea what you were doing? How did you navigate those waters? What were the things that were most important to YOU?
 
I am sad to say my navigation at the beginning was a nightmare. However, the key detail that was most important to me was complete honesty (being totally opaque) because prior, I had lied about things to "keep from hurting" lovers. That one detail led to so many new changes in myself, and those led to changes in our relationships and family.

The second most important thing for me was making educated, safer decisions regarding sex practices. I researched STIs, risks, tests, etc. Both of my partners were horrified to learn that when you go to the doctor and ask them for the full spectrum of STI testing, they still only test for three STIs in our state. They will only test for the others if you request them by name. So here are all these people in open relationships, or who are lying and having affairs, and they think they have a clean bill of health, never knowing that they were not tested for herpes, AIDs, hepatitis or syphilis!

Finally, related to being opaque, I need to know that all of my partners are in agreement. So before we add a new partner, we introduce them to each other. Not because we must be friends, etc. But the only way to ensure that everyone is being treated with honesty that this is a poly dynamic is for them to meet.
 
Opaque means you can't see through it at all. Transparent means you can see through it. #thesaurusisyourfriend #antonyms-schmantonyms
 
Last edited:
This is all very good advice, and I plan on implementing every piece... at the appropriate time, of course. Thank you. :)
 
BG, you are right. Sunshine and vacation= me not paying attention to details enough. :) I meant transparent.

OP, feel free to replace opaque with transparent wherever I wrote it. :)
 
a transparent object is one that lets light pass through with no shadows formed eg. clear window , transparent glass

a translucent object lets only some light go through (not all)and forms a shadow that is very light eg. bathroom window


an opaque object lets no light pass through and forms a shadow eg. table, chair,etc
- source: wiki-answers.com


Having read other posts and threads regarding definitions (i.e., jealousy vs envy, lying vs omission, etc) I looked up the comparison of opacity vs transparency vs translucency. I am of the thought camp who believe in common definitions amongst the group. Call me a word geek if you like. My brain wanted validation and i thought i might save some others the "googling" trip. :)
 
NutBusterX said:
a transparent object is one that lets light pass through with no shadows formed eg. clear window , transparent glass

a translucent object lets only some light go through (not all)and forms a shadow that is very light eg. bathroom window


an opaque object lets no light pass through and forms a shadow eg. table, chair,etc
- source: wiki-answers.com


Having read other posts and threads regarding definitions (i.e., jealousy vs envy, lying vs omission, etc) I looked up the comparison of opacity vs transparency vs translucency. I am of the thought camp who believe in common definitions amongst the group. Call me a word geek if you like. My brain wanted validation and i thought i might save some others the "googling" trip. :)
Click to expand...



Thank you, i appreciate the effort you made to bring it here for everyone's benefit. It seems people are more concerned (if they are indeed concerned at all) with definitions of recently-invented words or words adopted into slang forms that are specific to polyamory (compersion, triad, unicorn, polythisthattheotherwhatever), but it is also important to know the definitions and proper usage of established vocabulary words. The definitions i gave above, while perhaps not phrased in a scientifically correct manner, did effectively communicate the mistake LR made when it came to the usage of the word "opaque".
 
BoringGuy said:
Thank you, i appreciate the effort you made to bring it here for everyone's benefit. It seems people are more concerned (if they are indeed concerned at all) with definitions of recently-invented words or words adopted into slang forms that are specific to polyamory (compersion, triad, unicorn, polythisthattheotherwhatever), but it is also important to know the definitions and proper usage of established vocabulary words. The definitions i gave above, while perhaps not phrased in a scientifically correct manner, did effectively communicate the mistake LR made when it came to the usage of the word "opaque".
Click to expand...

You're welcome. I agree. I'd lobby for a definitionally uniform society. Polyamory thru universally monodefinitive lexicon. Though, i suspect I am being theoretically liberal while ideologically unilateral and proponentially promoting polyfrustration, potentially. :)
 
NutBusterX said:
You're welcome. I agree. I'd lobby for a definitionally uniform society. Polyamory thru universally monodefinitive lexicon. Though, i suspect I am being theoretically liberal while ideologically unilateral and proponentially promoting polyfrustration, potentially. :)
Click to expand...



Yes, that is correct. Or rather, it could be.
 
I appreciate the detailed definitions. I love learning word definitions. I admit to being only half tuned in the last week or so, because I'm in Hawai'i on vacation.
 
Elorahd,

I am in a V. My bf is the hinge.

I definitely can relate to trouble on one side spilling over to the other side. We choose to communicate openly about his other relationship. Being able to talk things over with your mate can do multiple things:
1. It can allow him to vent, needing no reply or advice.
2. It can allow him to get another point of view.
3. It can allow him to be heard. Sometimes this is all people really want/need.

Now, this seems one-sided, but the above, if practiced in a positive manner, can be achieved mostly in 30 minutes to an hour. The benefit to you is the mood will stabilize, improve, and you can move on to more interesting topics, ideas or activities.

I understand that some people can't/won't discuss OSOs and their issues. I don't like exclusion or omission. If this is what you prefer, then I can't offer any suggestions on how to deal with it. For me, it's difficult to see my SO sad or upset, so I would rather help to ease the frustration than to let them stew in the emotion and possibly ruin my time with them.

Do you have rules in place to keep this from happening?
Click to expand...

I find when you restrict or set rules upon communication (especially about feelings) some aren't as clear as what is okay to share and what's not.

Anyone else have any input on this? I am also looking for alternate ways this is dealt with.
 
The only fix I know of for problems from one relationship spilling into another relationship is to increase and improve communication. I don't know of any rules that would prevent spillage from happening at all. I think you have to get used to each other's roles in each other's lives.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top