FullofLove1052
New member
I know Matt is angry at me, too. I created this mess, so I have to clean it up.
It is not hate. When you hate someone, they cross your mind at some point. He just does not want her in his life at all, but I do not know why he is so resentful of her. I have tried to find out what he honestly thinks of her, but it is not working. That avenue is closed right now. I think she is a really good person. I have never had any reason to think otherwise. I could be blind because I still love her and just not see what he sees. Things happened the way they did because I allowed them to happen. I was wrapped up in myself and what I wanted to think about another soul. Could he be angry at himself? I suppose, but he did what he was supposed to do. Realise that Matt opens up to me in a small pieces and shuts back down. I do not have all the answers right now. That is why we are in therapy. Something new is revealed every time. We urge people to go to their partners and metamours and say what they need. How do you react when you get ignored?
My life is fairly simple, too. We have a nanny because our careers are not always 9-5, and placing that burden upon family and friends is not an option. My parents live about a hour away. Matt's parents live in Australia. Si's parents do not live right down the street either. The grandparents were automatically eliminated.
I have siblings. My youngest two brothers are under 18 and still live at home. My older brother lives in the States right now but is relocating and will be even further away. My sister has a significant other, three children, and her schedule is crazy as ours. She generally works overnight. Who does that leave? Friends? They are all over the United Kingdom, have children, and the world as a whole. Who was left?
Hiring a nanny was not my first choice, but after talking to their doctor, he succeeded in talking me out of putting them in a nursery school. I know about all the various illnesses in nurseries. I chose not to expose my children to that if I did not have to. I know it builds their immunity, but I did not feel comfortable exposing them to everything and then some. Granted, he was probably biased. His wife was stay-at-home mum of an army of children. Even still, the nursery would have only covered a portion of the time, and the nurseries here are expensive. I have encountered universities with cheaper tuition rates than some of these preschool facilities. The cheaper alternative was to have a full-time, live-in nanny. The plan was to always have one until our children started attending school. The first child is going to school in a few months, and I am looking at nurseries now. I am willing to try one.
I have a social life. My entire life cannot revolve around my children, so if I slip out for a few hours while they are sleeping, no harm done. Yes, I do go to the gym. Yes, I do take Zumba and yoga classes. I suddenly have all this time that used to belong to Si, and now, it has fallen in my lap. I did not have the time to do these things before, so I am filling those empty spaces with that time. My children were not up at 5:30 this morning. I was back in time to eat breakfast with them and spend time with them before I left for work.
With the constant state of chaos, I have to have an out and time away from it. If I sit at home and let the stress eat away at me, I would be depressed. I went through that phase and slapped myself out of it. According to everyone, I am wrong for not crying over my relationship ending. If I dare to step out of the home, I am wrong for not spending every waking hour at home. I am wrong for having a life and not letting the hell of it all kill me.
Dinner parties, baking, and cooking are part of my way of relaxing. I popped open the cookbook and went on a baking frenzy. I had to unload everything I baked. These days I have limited control over much of anything, so if my ways of relaxing and maintaining sanity are different, that is just fine. It was just for family and close friends, and it had been planned for several weeks. Even before all of this fell apart. It was not a spur of the moment thing. Could I have bowed out gracefully? Yes. It was our turn to host it, and I wanted to keep it. I needed something to channel these feelings and all this negative energy towards. I worked my bum off for that party, and I felt great after because every single time I found myself thinking about this situation, I would put in more work and work even harder than before. I had a new outlet, and I needed it. For the time that our family and friends were there, it was the one time I was not worried about me or all that is going wrong in my life. I was able to devote all of my energy towards it and being the best hostess ever.
My niece and nephews were there. My godchildren were there. My children were there, too. It was not an adults only type of deal. We have Sunday dinners just like other families all over the world. Ours are just on a larger scale because I have a large circle of people I love and care about. The list was my grandparents (2), my parents, my younger brothers and the oldest's girlfriend (5), my sister, her significant other, their three children (5), my two closest friends and their husbands (4), Matt's best friend, his wife, and their child (3). 19 people.
:et's see what my life consists of and why I feel the need to get away from it all from time to time.
The positives. I have two beautiful children who mean everything to me. I spend every day wondering what I can do to make their lives better, and I achieve it. I am in control of my daily schedule, so I adjust it according to them. She wants to take ballet classes that start 5? Done. I adjust my schedule and go into work earlier on those days, so we can go to the class and grab ice cream after. She wants to paint? We are enrolled in a mummy and me painting class on Sunday's. My children love anything related to Disney, so I am taking them to the Lion King. My daughter asks me to snuggle with her and watch her favourite movie? I stop whatever I am doing and do it with a smile on my face.
Now for the grown-up hell I wake up to every day. My husband has a strong dislike for my ex and voices it every time he is asked. So much so that he resents having to share time with her. He resents her so much that she is not allowed to step foot in our home, and if he could, he would break the relationships that she has established with our children. Oh, but wait. He is working on that. My ex is bitching to me because of his actions. I am tired of being the messenger between these two.
Meanwhile, we are in weekly counselling sessions. He shuts me out after opening up. He does not trust me and questions me even when I say I am doing fine. We did not have sex for a month. It was hot and cold. I just finally started getting intimacy from him again. He would not touch me, and if he did, it was cold. Rubbing against a block of ice would have been more of a turn on. I could not even get a hug out of him. He was so mad at at me that he left for 13 days and was ready to ask me for a divorce. 13 days of limited communication. He talked to our children every day. I could not even get a good morning out of that man for the first week and a half. 13 days of sleeping alone. 13 days of depression because a piece of me was missing. 13 days of Si not talking to me, ignoring my text messages, and ignoring my child's requests. 13 days of answering questions from my child. Yet, I had to keep calm and carry on. 13 long damn days. Am I mad? Damn right.
Oh and speaking of Si, we are trying to rebuild a friendship. It is a struggle because when you still love someone, it is the hardest thing to be friends. I am not pushing it and letting it happen naturally.
I do not think people realise just how hard this is. Day in and day out. It is my life. I have to accept new boundaries, limits, all the changes, and all this other stuff every single day. I am handling things the way I see fit and the way I need to. So if I need to take a spin class, dance at Zumba, work my butt off at the gym, treat myself to a manicure, change my hair colour, get a massage, go for a jog, spend an insane amount on clothing I will never wear, or anything else...I am doing it because I have to take care of myself and my overall well-being. Minimising stress is part of that. If I am in the hospital because of hypertension or a stroke, I am of no use to my children.
Do I see any benefits of poly in my life? No. All I see is the destruction and heartbreak my decisions caused. Nope, it was still not worth it because the aftermath is more painful than anything that happened during.
It is not hate. When you hate someone, they cross your mind at some point. He just does not want her in his life at all, but I do not know why he is so resentful of her. I have tried to find out what he honestly thinks of her, but it is not working. That avenue is closed right now. I think she is a really good person. I have never had any reason to think otherwise. I could be blind because I still love her and just not see what he sees. Things happened the way they did because I allowed them to happen. I was wrapped up in myself and what I wanted to think about another soul. Could he be angry at himself? I suppose, but he did what he was supposed to do. Realise that Matt opens up to me in a small pieces and shuts back down. I do not have all the answers right now. That is why we are in therapy. Something new is revealed every time. We urge people to go to their partners and metamours and say what they need. How do you react when you get ignored?
My life is fairly simple, too. We have a nanny because our careers are not always 9-5, and placing that burden upon family and friends is not an option. My parents live about a hour away. Matt's parents live in Australia. Si's parents do not live right down the street either. The grandparents were automatically eliminated.
I have siblings. My youngest two brothers are under 18 and still live at home. My older brother lives in the States right now but is relocating and will be even further away. My sister has a significant other, three children, and her schedule is crazy as ours. She generally works overnight. Who does that leave? Friends? They are all over the United Kingdom, have children, and the world as a whole. Who was left?
Hiring a nanny was not my first choice, but after talking to their doctor, he succeeded in talking me out of putting them in a nursery school. I know about all the various illnesses in nurseries. I chose not to expose my children to that if I did not have to. I know it builds their immunity, but I did not feel comfortable exposing them to everything and then some. Granted, he was probably biased. His wife was stay-at-home mum of an army of children. Even still, the nursery would have only covered a portion of the time, and the nurseries here are expensive. I have encountered universities with cheaper tuition rates than some of these preschool facilities. The cheaper alternative was to have a full-time, live-in nanny. The plan was to always have one until our children started attending school. The first child is going to school in a few months, and I am looking at nurseries now. I am willing to try one.
I have a social life. My entire life cannot revolve around my children, so if I slip out for a few hours while they are sleeping, no harm done. Yes, I do go to the gym. Yes, I do take Zumba and yoga classes. I suddenly have all this time that used to belong to Si, and now, it has fallen in my lap. I did not have the time to do these things before, so I am filling those empty spaces with that time. My children were not up at 5:30 this morning. I was back in time to eat breakfast with them and spend time with them before I left for work.
With the constant state of chaos, I have to have an out and time away from it. If I sit at home and let the stress eat away at me, I would be depressed. I went through that phase and slapped myself out of it. According to everyone, I am wrong for not crying over my relationship ending. If I dare to step out of the home, I am wrong for not spending every waking hour at home. I am wrong for having a life and not letting the hell of it all kill me.
Dinner parties, baking, and cooking are part of my way of relaxing. I popped open the cookbook and went on a baking frenzy. I had to unload everything I baked. These days I have limited control over much of anything, so if my ways of relaxing and maintaining sanity are different, that is just fine. It was just for family and close friends, and it had been planned for several weeks. Even before all of this fell apart. It was not a spur of the moment thing. Could I have bowed out gracefully? Yes. It was our turn to host it, and I wanted to keep it. I needed something to channel these feelings and all this negative energy towards. I worked my bum off for that party, and I felt great after because every single time I found myself thinking about this situation, I would put in more work and work even harder than before. I had a new outlet, and I needed it. For the time that our family and friends were there, it was the one time I was not worried about me or all that is going wrong in my life. I was able to devote all of my energy towards it and being the best hostess ever.
My niece and nephews were there. My godchildren were there. My children were there, too. It was not an adults only type of deal. We have Sunday dinners just like other families all over the world. Ours are just on a larger scale because I have a large circle of people I love and care about. The list was my grandparents (2), my parents, my younger brothers and the oldest's girlfriend (5), my sister, her significant other, their three children (5), my two closest friends and their husbands (4), Matt's best friend, his wife, and their child (3). 19 people.
:et's see what my life consists of and why I feel the need to get away from it all from time to time.
The positives. I have two beautiful children who mean everything to me. I spend every day wondering what I can do to make their lives better, and I achieve it. I am in control of my daily schedule, so I adjust it according to them. She wants to take ballet classes that start 5? Done. I adjust my schedule and go into work earlier on those days, so we can go to the class and grab ice cream after. She wants to paint? We are enrolled in a mummy and me painting class on Sunday's. My children love anything related to Disney, so I am taking them to the Lion King. My daughter asks me to snuggle with her and watch her favourite movie? I stop whatever I am doing and do it with a smile on my face.
Now for the grown-up hell I wake up to every day. My husband has a strong dislike for my ex and voices it every time he is asked. So much so that he resents having to share time with her. He resents her so much that she is not allowed to step foot in our home, and if he could, he would break the relationships that she has established with our children. Oh, but wait. He is working on that. My ex is bitching to me because of his actions. I am tired of being the messenger between these two.
Meanwhile, we are in weekly counselling sessions. He shuts me out after opening up. He does not trust me and questions me even when I say I am doing fine. We did not have sex for a month. It was hot and cold. I just finally started getting intimacy from him again. He would not touch me, and if he did, it was cold. Rubbing against a block of ice would have been more of a turn on. I could not even get a hug out of him. He was so mad at at me that he left for 13 days and was ready to ask me for a divorce. 13 days of limited communication. He talked to our children every day. I could not even get a good morning out of that man for the first week and a half. 13 days of sleeping alone. 13 days of depression because a piece of me was missing. 13 days of Si not talking to me, ignoring my text messages, and ignoring my child's requests. 13 days of answering questions from my child. Yet, I had to keep calm and carry on. 13 long damn days. Am I mad? Damn right.
Oh and speaking of Si, we are trying to rebuild a friendship. It is a struggle because when you still love someone, it is the hardest thing to be friends. I am not pushing it and letting it happen naturally.
I do not think people realise just how hard this is. Day in and day out. It is my life. I have to accept new boundaries, limits, all the changes, and all this other stuff every single day. I am handling things the way I see fit and the way I need to. So if I need to take a spin class, dance at Zumba, work my butt off at the gym, treat myself to a manicure, change my hair colour, get a massage, go for a jog, spend an insane amount on clothing I will never wear, or anything else...I am doing it because I have to take care of myself and my overall well-being. Minimising stress is part of that. If I am in the hospital because of hypertension or a stroke, I am of no use to my children.
Do I see any benefits of poly in my life? No. All I see is the destruction and heartbreak my decisions caused. Nope, it was still not worth it because the aftermath is more painful than anything that happened during.
