need someone to talk to

[sydpowers23]

I fell in love with my best friend about a year ago. We have been seeing each other for the last 5 months. I have always been in monogamous relationships and at first struggled with the fact that he wouldn't commit to me. My brother, who is also his best friend, is poly with his wife. I have learned enough about it to recognize that V didn't have a problem with loving me enough, or having a desire to commit to me, it was that he wanted to be poly and have the option to have other relationships, as well.

We have talked about it a lot and I know that we love each other and that I am fine with him pursuing other woman both emotionally and sexually. Where I am having trouble is the fear that he might find someone that he loves more then me. I guess I want him to love me the most. I don't know if I could get past the jealousy if ever he loved someone more then me.

I am very new to the whole poly concept, so I need advice. Am I just being silly, or is this a legitimate fear? How is this best dealt with?

 

[MoonElf]

When Peaches first mentioned poly to me, I think I felt something similar. For me, though, the fear went away when I fell for someone else. I realised that me loving someone else didn't change my love for Peaches, not one bit. I couldn't really tell who I loved best. Each love was unique and couldn't compare.

So I figured if Peaches ever falls in love with another person, it will be the same. He'll forever love me, just as much as he loves me now, and I'll always be special to him in a unique way no one else can, just as he and CC are to me.

That's all I can say with my (little) experience in poly. I hope it helps, though.

I don't think any fear is silly. You should pay attention and value what you feel. Take things slow. Talk to him about it, too. I'm sure he'll understand.

 

[GalaGirl]

You told him what you want -- to eventually build toward "going steady" and becoming "exclusive" and he does not want that? If so, you could honor your own want. Rather than getting into a poly configuration, just to get to be with him, even though it goes against your own grain, and isn't what you you seek, you could return to being friends. You do not have not stay in a poly network with him just to "get to be with him," if that is not what you really want for yourself.

I am fine with him pursuing other women, both emotionally and sexually. I am having trouble with the fear that he might find someone that he loves more then me.

Then you are actually not ok with it. You are fearful of it. That could be rewritten as:

"I want to be ok with it. But I am fearful of him pursuing other women, emotionally and sexually, because he might find someone that he loves more than me. If that happens, then I would have to deal with _______. " (What? Him breaking up with you? Him staying with you, but treating you badly?)

Can you fill in the blank?

Even in a "monoamorous and monogamous" relationship situations, the risk is always there -- that one of the people will fall out of love for whatever reason, and decide to end it. The only way to not deal with it at all is not to date at all.

I guess I want him to love me most. I don't know if I could get past the jealousy if ever he loved someone more then me.

One way to date and still reduce this risk is to not enter a poly network. Then you wouldn't have to deal with worrying which one he loved the most. Stay mono, where it's just you two, or you break up. Fewer variables to contend with.

You could define what "loving you the most" means. What behaviors does he have to show you to demonstrates loving you the most? If "exclusive" is on your list, you are barking up the wrong tree. He is not willing to provide you with exclusivity. It would be easier to accept it, break it off, and move on. I mean that kindly.

Am I just being silly? Is it a legitimate fear? How best to deal with it?

What's the jealousy about? Fear of abandonment? Fear of loss? Competition?

You could read this article.

Also check out this one on jealousy.

Maybe one of those could help you sort out how you feel, and what to work on if you decide to stay in this.

Also, remember that there is nothing wrong with wanting monogamy. There is nothing wrong with wanting polyamory. But there could be something wrong with you continuing this way, if you and he have a basic incompatibility, and it really isn't what you want for yourself. You could not choose to do things you are not really willing to do with joy in your heart and soul.

This what dating is for: to get to know each other in a romantic context, sort it out between you, and find the most compatible dating partners that want the same things as you. Not all new dating partners are destined to be keepers.

Hang in there, regardless of what you decide to do about it.

Galagirl

 

[JaneQSmythe]

...where i am having trouble is the fear that he might find someone that he loves more then me. I guess i want him to love me most and don't know if i can get past the jealousy if ever he loved someone more then me. very new to the whole poly concept so i need advice about if i am just being silly or if it is a legitamate fear and how best to deal with it

I don't think that you are being silly ... you have a fear - it needs to be addressed whether it is legitimate or not.

For myself, I don't feel that love is quantifiable in a "more than/less than" kind of way. I love each person that I love for themselves in a unique and different way - independent of the love that I have for others. Love itself is not a limited resource (although time and other factors may be which comes into play when someone is in the throes of NRE) - there is more than enough to go around.

The flip side - so what, exactly, is it that you fear would happen if he loves someone "more" (by whatever criteria means "more" to you) than he loves you - if he loves you "as much" as he did previously? If he's happier and you are getting your needs met then what are you losing? I think that this placing the symbol "more" on a higher plane than the reality of what you are actually experiencing in the reality of the relationship. (I just read a great article on placing too much emphasis on the symbols and not enough on what the symbols are actually representing...wish I could remember where it was).

JaneQ

PS. For the record, I am also worried about what happens when Dude (or, less likely, MrS) finds another partner and am worried about my own jealous response might be (that hasn't been tested in a very long time). "Loves them more" is not my particular hang-up - I'm still trying to figure out what it is...people are complicated .

 

[sydpowers23]

Fears and silliness

I know that I am comfortable and even excited and happy to be considering a polyship. I am a very open caring and loving person who since being with v have realized that it is ok for me to be ok with it. Thanks everyone for your advice and thoughts it made me realize that while it is a fear that v and I will have to figure out when that time comes I know that even if he loves someone else he couldn't love them the same. We have always had a very unique connection that nobody has been able to break or challenge. We have been best friends for 7 years. I think I just have so many questions because not only is our relationship changing so much but my whole idea of a happy relationship and what thay really looks like is changing. I am happy about the changes it is just a lot at once.