Need advice

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Greenjade

New member
Obviously, open relationships are quite private. For me, this means I only have my partner to talk to, so I've joined this forum for help and advice, because I'm a little lost.

Basically, my story is that my partner and I had discussed and agreed upon on an open relationship. It started 6 months ago, with Mr going out with a lady he was kind of friends with. I'm quite nervous and struggled to get things rolling. I finally did, 5 months after he started, and have had only one met with one other guy.

Through the duration of Mr meeting his friend, I found myself becoming quite jealous, and started to really struggle with the whole situation. I always read his messages from her, etc., and started to go a little crazy. Anyway, one thing led to another, and he ended up falling in love with her. We said it would all be okay because she was leaving the country for a few yrs and it would all end.

So now she has left, and Mr is broken and confused. He says he loves both of us and doesn't know what to do. They are still very much in contact. He is traveling with her further into the year for a few weeks. After I found out that he had fallen in love with her, we agreed that the sexual relationship had to end after this trip, but they could still remain friends, which he was okay with when we agreed to it. But things have changed since then and the friend is saying if it ends, then it ends, and she wants to move on with her life if she can't have him. So he doesn't know what option to choose-- me and our kids and never see her again, or, choose her and leave me and the kids. Obviously we would do whatever we could to keep it as happy and calm for our kids as possible.

So this is my story, a little ironic, really. I had reservations about an open relationship because of this reason. One of us fallen in love with someone else.

He still loves me, but he has changed. He is upset and very quiet all day, doesn't seem to want to be intimate with me, and as soon as she is available to talk online he chirps up and is a little happier.

My heart is breaking. I'm hurting and angry. I cry a lot.

We've agreed to keep things the way they were between us, but it is so hard. He is hurting and missing her and doesn't seem to want to connect with me anymore. I'm very scared to say anything, because if I upset him, or make him hurt more, I'll just be pushing him away from choosing me and into her arms. This sucks. I blame myself for being so stupid and not putting my foot down and saying enough is enough when I first found out he was in love with her.

What can I do? I'm so sad!
 
I realise that the horse has bolted now, but when you agreed upon an open relationship did you explicitly agree that it was to be physical only? Do you now believe your husband to be polyamorous rather than a swinger?

Edit: For clarity, I'm using "swinger" here to mean someone who is non-monogamous in their sexual relationships and who has no desire for or expectation of emotional involvement.
 
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Why is it a problem for you for your husband to be in love with someone else as well as you? Why do you feel you have to make him choose? Do you perceive that his love for her has been lessening his love for you, or is it instead that it's being forced into this choice that is making him draw away from you?

And, I'm sorry, but, for the record, do you realize that you're at "polyamory.com," which translates to "manyloves.com"?
 
Obviously, open relationships are quite private.
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My parents know about all my partners, as do all of my friends, and a few of my coworkers. Same for them -- their parents, friends, and some associates know. I'm in love multiple times over, and that's okay. It's amazing, actually. I'm less private than some poly people, but just as or even less private than some others.

I don't say any of this stuff to say, "You're in the wrong place; get out of here; we won't help you," at all. I hope that you will find help and support here. I point this stuff out just to make sure that you're aware that you seem to be coming from a very different place than most of the people here may be coming from. Perhaps the responses you get will make more sense with that context.
 
Yeah sorry, I realised I posted this in the wrong forum after I posted it. :( I did a search for open relationship forums and this was the first that came up. After I posted my thread I started reading some of the other threads and realised I had made a mistake.

Sorry. I will delete my thread.
 
Why delete the thread? I meant all of this:

I don't say any of this stuff to say "You're in the wrong place; get out of here; we won't help you at all." I hope that you will find help and support here.
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Honestly, I don't know of a better forum than this for your questions (though there may be one?). Like I said, I was just trying to explain the difference in perspective you're likely to encounter.

And I'll admit, I'm still very curious about the answers to my questions.
 
For the record, I do understand what you mean about being private. While many people are more out, as I am, others aren't. Neither my DH nor my BF are out to most people in their lives, for reasons that range from work reasons to just not being the type to share their private lives. It does make it difficult sometimes, and DH is on this forum for that very reason! So you are in a good place.

You will find, if you do a lot of reading of our linked articles and books, or looking around at threads here, that you are not the first with this problem! Not to say it's not a big deal, just that you aren't alone. Many people have come here saying that they started out swinging, or just open sexually, and then emotions got involved.

It's a very different thing when you get emotions involved. But having emotions involved does not mean it has to be a "choose her or me" situation!

He loves you; he loves her. This isn't what you were expecting, nor what you wanted, but like life often does, it's what you now have. So here are some questions to ask yourself:

Is it possible to continue your relationship with your husband if he loves another as well as you?

Would a long-distance relationship between him and her be possible without damaging your relationship with him?

What is it you two feel you can compromise on?

What is it he and she could compromise on?

Basically, this is workable, if you want to do the work. Now, maybe you don't. Maybe polyAMORY is just not what either of you want. That's fine too. Then there are other decisions to think about. However, I just want you to know that this does not have to be a situation where he needs to choose between you two. With compromise and work it's not a definite end to your marriage.
 
So he has to choose, at her behest, either her or you. And you are hurting because it was supposed to be swinging only, and not love, and you don't like seeing how torn up he is over this request. Do I have that right?

Well, you could accept it became love. You could also be glad your spouse's feelings for you must run very deep for him to be this upset over it. Feelings cannot be controlled at will, but behavior can be controlled. So if participating in swinging led to this, you could not engage in swinging anymore in future.

If he stays with you, are you going to renegotiate your marriage boundaries to take swinging off the table?

You both are going through the stages of grief. Maybe you skipped the "shock and denial" stage, since you both knew it was an open thing, and knew about the risk of swinging turning to something else. But there's still the rest to get through.

The thing is, you are mourning different things.

You are mourning swinging turning to love, and perhaps being scared/jealous is clouding your view. You fear he will not choose you.

He is mourning, imagining the end of one relationship or another. He is very uncomfortable feeling forced to choose.

MOVING IT FORWARD

You could tell your spouse you see he is hurting terribly. You could tell him you know it is hard and are sorry he hurts. Maybe show him the stages of grief article, and ask if he needs to see a counselor and (assuming you are willing to keep on tending to him as his wife) arrange an appointment for him if he cannot manage to do it for himself.

You could also arrange a therapy appointment for yourself.

You could tell him you want to be with him. This is your willingness.

You could tell him that for the marriage to exist, both partners must be willing.

You could tell him you will expect him to tell you where his willingness lies -- with you or with her; that you will accept the answer he gives; that even if his willingness lies with her, you will try to make it as easy for the kids and yourselves as possible, with a smooth separation/divorce. But in the meantime, you are willing to try to keep your shared homelife as normal as possible to give him that peaceful space.

Then you wait.

You can do no more than give him respect, dignity and space while he sorts himself out, if you want to be with him. If you don't want to be with him anymore, that's another set of options, but it sounds like you do want to be with him.

You may want reassurance and comfort from him. You might want lots of things in your own grief process. But at this time, he may not have it to give, because he's run down to empty himself. So again, I encourage you to lean on someone else you can talk to -- a friend, a relative, a counselor, and/or this forum, meanwhile.

Ask him out on a date. Spend time together pleasantly, without processing the issue, if that is what you want.

You could choose to not sweat his emotional process. Or if it does become unbearable for you to witness, and he's treating you badly/neglecting you, you could ask him to move out, or move out yourself. Then he would feel what he would be missing at home.

Set a deadline for him making a final call on how this is to be.

You have to decide if you are willing to take the "Let him arrive when he arrives" approach, or, "I need to know by X so I can plan out my own life" approach. You guys are there living it. You could talk about which approach would be best for you both.

Neither of you can live in this limbo forever. In that sense, the other lady has it more together with what she wants/needs, and where her limits/boundaries are. You could clearly articulate your own wants, needs, and personal limitations/boundaries, once you figure them out. And your spouse could state his.

When people have their limits and desires laid out clearly, it makes hard calls easier to make. You just look at what lines up and what doesn't. It might still feel just as hard to do, but the actual doing is a lot more clear -- this lines up, that does not. There. Sorted. Done. Best decision for the situation is ____, then.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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Greenjade said:
Yeah, sorry. I realised I posted this in the wrong forum after I posted it. I did a search for open relationship forums and this was the first that came up. After I posted my thread, I started reading some of the other threads and I realised I had made a mistake.

Sorry. I will delete my thread.
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Actually this is the "right" forum, because your husband is in love with two people. That is a fact, whether you like it or not. So, it would be better for you to hang around and listen to what the people here have to say. I won't try to say too much in this thread (for reasons which make sense to me, and maybe a few other people who know what I'm talking about). But I will warn you, people will probably say things you are not prepared to like, so if what you really want is to feel the warm fuzzies of being agreed with, sympathized with, and validated, then this may not be the place for you after all.
 
The other girl has said she wants him and only him. She wants to marry him, have kids with him. When the relationship first started, I said he was more than welcome to bring her home and share, but he said she was not into that. I still say it's an option I would rather try than lose him altogether.
 
She's not willing to do that, be "shared." So that option is not even on the table.

Is she a "cowgirl"? I thought it was ending because of her moving too far away to sustain a relationship? Isn't that why he's traveling to see her? She's far away now? I am confused. :confused:

I still say it's an option I would rather try than lose him altogether.
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That's fine. That is your willingness. But it seems like it may be a "bargain" in your stages-of-grief process, and it isn't a shared willingness of all the players for it to actually happen.

You can only control what you do -- and right now it is:

a) Leave him before he decides anything new and there is new information.

b) State your wants/needs/limits, and stay to see what he decides, then make the next choice based on new information received.
 
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Greenjade said:
The other girl has said she wants him and only him. She wants to marry him, have kids with him. When the relationship first started, I said he was more than welcome to bring her home and share, but he said she not into that. I still say it's an option I would rather try than lose him altogether.
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Interesting. So it's actually this other woman that's not okay with polyamory, and not you? Wow, yeah, that changes things drastically. It sounds like she may indeed be what is called a "cowgirl"-- a monogamous person trying to get a poly person all for herself in the same way that a cowgirl might rope a cow out of a herd. That is not okay, and is, in fact, a huge threat to your marriage.

Now your "her or me" attitude makes much more sense. I think maybe it's time for him to be the one to issue an ultimatum to her -- "Become ok with sharing me, since I'm not leaving my wife, or else accept that we can't be lovers, and possibly not even friends."
 
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I never had a problem with him having sex with other women. It's what has come of it-- her or me.

We had both agreed when this was all over (before she left) that we made a mistake getting involved with a friend, and wouldn't do it again.

He is always talking about hypotheticals. It hurts me to hear them. They are always "him with her," because there is no reason to discuss us, because he knows our relationship works.

He just asked me:
"Would you come to our wedding in two years if we got married?"
I said, "No, because it would be too painful."
He then asked me, "It would too painful after two years?"
I said, "Yes, she has taken my life away. Why would I want to sit through what should've been mine?"

He said I was being silly and that wasn't true.
 
AnnabelMore said:
So it's actually this other woman that's not okay with poly, and not you? Wow, yeah, that changes things drastically. It sounds like she may be what is called a "cowgirl." [...] That is not okay, and is, in fact, a huge threat to your marriage. Now your "her or me" attitude makes much more sense. I think maybe it's time for him to be the one to issue an ultimatum to her -- "Become okay with sharing me, since I'm not leaving my wife, or else accept that we can't be lovers, and possibly not even friends."
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Yes, I too misunderstood, because when you said she wants to "have him," etc., I took that as, she didn't want to be "just friends" if she couldn't be in a boyfriend-girlfriend type relationship, with him still married to you, of course.

I still think this forum offers the kind of help you seek. You should get your husband to come on here before he gets judged to pieces.
 
Greenjade said:
He just asked me if I would come to their wedding in two yrs if they got married. I said no. [,...] He said I was being silly and that wasn't true.
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This man "loves" you? It sounds like he's made up his mind.
 
He said his one option is to stay with me and never see her again, which scares him and makes him feel sick. The other option: be with her, would mean he'd still get to see me, because the kids would still be very much a part of his life. I think he is seriously thinking about this one, which scares me.

We obviously wouldn't have a relationship, other than me being the mother of his kids from his previous relationship.
 
Greenjade said:
He said his one option is to stay with me and never see her again, which scares him and makes him feel sick. The other option: be with her, would mean he'd still get to see me, because the kids would still be very much apart of his life. I think he is seriously thinking about this one, which scares me. We wouldn't have a relationship, other than me being the mother of his kids...
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Hon, he has dumped you in his heart already. It's just a matter of time before his mind and body catch up. He's already planning who to invite to their wedding.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. :( It sucks.
 
No, swinging wouldn't be off the table. We only just started experimenting. She was his first. I've only been with one other person. We had discussed open relationships before they even knew each other, as well. So it's not like it started just so he could be with her.
 
Sometimes, Greenjade, people are polysexual (multiple sex partners), but not really cut out for polyamory (multiple loves). I recall a case where a woman opened her marriage after persuading her less-than-keen husband, and he fell in love with the other woman and left her. He simply was not polyamorous.

It is always a risk you take when you open up your marriage. It is unfortunate that this has happened to you. But I would definitely say that any man who would cause you such pain as asking you if you would go to his next wedding has more than likely moved on emotionally. You might want to prepare for the worst.

Please do not consider having her move in with you as a way of clinging to your husband. You will more than likely end up in a situation where you feel like the third wheel in your own home, which would be much more painful in the long run.

Best of luck to you.
 
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