It's been a while

A

AZtriad

New member
Well, it's been a while since I've posted. The last time I posted I got some negative comments and then the thread went in another direction.

But anyway, a little about me. I have been married 10 yrs. We currently have a gf and are in a closed triad.

Here is my dilemma. Recently we had some problems. I'm not gonna go completely into it, but things kinda got ugly (emotionally, not physically) and our gf broke up with us. Trust was broken and she left. I understand why that trust was broken and I don't blame her for leaving. But we worked things out, and now we are all back together.

Part of my problem is now we kinda have to start over and build that trust back, which means NRE starts over, which really sucks, because I was having a hard time with it. Sometimes I feel left out, like all they care about is how they are gonna get their alone time.

I know both of them love me. I guess I have some jealousy. I think a lot of my problem is him just as much as her. The way he looks at her. The way he will quickly grab and hold her hand. I think a lot of it is I don't feel the romance and the passion like he has with her, and it hurts. I try to tell him to hold me, kiss me, and a lot of the times I will get smart-ass remarks. That's the way he is, a jokester. Maybe it's just because we have been together for 10 yrs and their relationship is new. All he ever talks about is her. Or cars.

Sometimes I just want us time. I've told him that. It drives me nuts when I'm trying to have me and him time and they are texting. I've told him that. I think it's something he is trying to work on. I feel bad cuz I know he is trying to juggle 2 women, and I'm sure it's not easy.

As far as me and her, we still have not had alone intimate time. It never works out. I think part of my problem too, is they get time together. They have a date night one night, and then I have practice another night, so they get their "alone" time. So I'm having a hard time.

But I think things are gonna get better. I'm staying positive. Hopefully it works out.

Next week we are supposed to go on a trip, just me and her, and stay overnight. I am excited. Just nervous to get my hopes up and then get disappointed. But again, gonna stay positive.

So after all this talking, my question is-- are my worries stupid? Am I overreacting? How do I get past the NRE? Thank you for reading. Sorry it's so long.
 
AZtriad said:
How do I get past the NRE?
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It sounds like what you really want to ask is how do you get the alone time (in mind and body) that you're looking for?

With the scheduling, if you know you have a practice one night, can they schedule their date night then, and open you up for a date night on the other night? Try to work within your pre-existing schedules and find something that works for everyone. Maybe even sit down and do it together.

As for the texting while he's with you, I tend to be very smart-assy when that happens. My ex used to do it constantly, and we weren't poly. Sometimes I would text him while he was in the room with me, to see if he liked dinner or whatnot. He'd be chagrined and stop... for a while.

It's rude to be engaged elsewhere while he's supposed to be on a date with you. I can understand maybe a check-in or two with his GF, but the entire time? No. I'd ask him to stop and keep our date nights ours.

That, however, means that the same should apply for his date nights with her, that you should be able to give them space, as well. Is that happening?

As for the reassurance, I'd recommend explaining (using "I statements") how you feel when he delivers his wisecracks in response (e.g., "I feel unimportant when my requests for reassurance are met with sarcasm.") And keep doing it. Keep asking if you need it.

Try to ask in a way that makes it clear what you are looking for (more physical contact, more romance), and how it feels when you don't receive it.

Are you all living together? Is that adding to the complication of seeing her receive the romance you're looking for? The comparison (and I am guilty of this) and in-your-face-ness of it all can make it feel more about their relationship than yours, and make it more difficult to focus on your own relationship when you're seeing and envying theirs. Do you need space?
 
Hi, I don't remember you from before, so remind me, how long have you and your husband had this gf?

You say it's a triad, not a V, so I assume there is threeway sex. But hubby and gf are more into each other right now than into you. She has NRE for him, but not so much for you? You and she have never had a one-on-one date, or one-on-one sex?

Hubby spends nights he's supposed to be focusing on you, instead texting his gf? And when you request his focus, he makes fun of you?

Not good. None of this sounds good at all. You're getting scraps of attention, and then disrespect when you ask for more. Setting boundaries is in order.
 
Emotions are never wrong or stupid. They just are.

If you are insecure then you need to say as much and ask them for reassurance. You also need to explain what that reassurance looks like for you. Its all part of the give and take of a relationship.
 
Me and her do get date days, I guess. Most of the time it's a quick lunch. There have been a couple times we have gone out and gotten our nails done, which was a lot of fun, but that gets expensive.

No, I have never had alone "intimate" time with her. We are not living together. She was about to move in till something happened, and that hasn't even come up yet. My husband and I have been with her for about three months. There was threeway sex; it has only happened twice.

I told him last night I don't think she really wants threeway sex. I think she only wants sex with him, which I'm not ok with. I am bi, not straight. I want both. The NRE is mostly them. I mean, I will get "I love you" from her, and we will hold hands. But it's kinda weird, almost like she's not sure.

I have told him about the texting and he is getting a little better about it. He knows that if we are having sex, no texting, and he has gotten better. He's having a hard time with her too. Last night on their date she tells him she wants "alone" time so bad. But it's so hard with her. Something always comes up. Or he tries to go to her house to make it easier, but she will say no because her room is a mess, and she doesn't want him to see it.

He is really afraid, because she really doesn't get it from him, that she is gonna go somewhere else and get it. I don't think she would.

I asked him about opening our triad, and he said no way, which sucks for me because I have thought about getting a girlfriend. I think he would be okay with it, but I'm sure she wont be ok with it. It's weird because these are the exact feelings I was having before all hell broke loose. Then in the middle of it, I realized what I really want is her. I really want us to work.

Me and her are supposed to go out Thursday and I'm supposed to stay the night at her house. We will see if that happens. I don't think it will. But what I'm more excited for is me and her are supposed to go on a overnight trip. They were talking about an overnight trip and I told them I don't want them doing that till I get an overnight trip with her first. Is that bad of me? It's just they have had alone intimate time and I haven't. So I think it is only fair that me and her go first, and then they can go. Maybe it will make me feel better?
 
Am I being selfish asking for me and her to go on a overnight trip before they do? In the back of my head, I almost wonder is she really doing it to be with me, or is she just doing it so she can have an overnight with him? I really hope in my heart that she really wants to be with me.
 
As they say, the definition of madness is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. She is just not that into you. You haven't got NRE. She wants your husband more than you. You can't really be sure if she want to be with you or is only appeasing you to have more time with your husband. Eventually you will be more estranged from this triad.

By vetoing your plans to open the relationship so as to get your own girlfriend, your husband is controlling you, guaranteeing that 'he' is the only one enjoying this poly love style.

You need to start putting your foot down, because this is not a triad. It is a vee with some appeasement to your need for female attention. Woman up, lady, get your own girlfriend, and don't let husband anywhere near her!

HTH,
Natja
 
Is there a reason the relationship had to be a triad? If she wants a friendship just with your husband, why not allow that, and start fostering the possibilities for you to find your own girlfriend? Turn the relationship style desire away from this triad, which does not seem to be the best for all involved, into more of an N setup.
 
He has gotten better at not texting during sex??? I'd throw his phone out of a window if he texted while having sex, unless it was an emergency with a family member. Does he text you while he has sex with her?

This seems like they are getting what they want, and you're getting a pat on the head just to keep you appeased enough not to be too upset. If she was really into you like she seems to be into him, don't you think she'd be making more of an effort to be with you?
 
My spouse picked up the phone once when I called just as they were about to have sex with their other partner, and BOTH of us were mad that they answered! Both = me and other partner. It wasn't an emergency, either. When it's important I keep calling or texting repeatedly. But this was the day after the Boston Marathon. That's why they picked up the phone, it turned out. But spouse got a chunk taken out of them by me AND the other partner and we had to have the "when to pick up the phone" discussion. The other partner and I agree that S is way too involved with the smart-phone... Not just when it comes to sexy-times, but any time.
 
Would you please consider hitting the "enter" key a few times so there are breaks? It is hard on the eyes and then makes it harder to give you feedback. :(

I thought you were broken up. How'd that all come back together again?

You are bumping against various limitations.

1) You are worried you are more into her than she seems to be is into you. You could ask her if she would prefer to just date your DH and not you. If you are friends, be friends then. There is no point in trying to force a triad when it naturally wants to be a V.

2) You are suffering being in a closed triad, watching DH and her get all NRE googly. It sounds like you are envious and wish you had this. You could do the work to let the envy go, and could negotiate the relationship boundaries to allow you to seek it.

3) Your DH is not willing to move toward an open V so that the other players can date other people. He doesn't want you to date others. He's worried about her finding another partner. Is he expecting a one-penis policy? You could ask him if this is the unspoken expectation.

4) Your needs are not met in this configuration. Tell him you are not willing to participate in a closed situation where your needs are not met. Do conflict resolution to try to meet the needs of all players, restore balance and come up with a better configuration or end this-- the polyship, the marriage, or all of the above.

I mean that all kindly. I'm not saying this to upset you. But lay out all the options on the table and IDENTIFY them first. Then pick from among the most doable/healthy.

Maybe these articles could help you

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

But the biggest thing I see is you not having consequences.

Here you specifically ask for an action to be done. He's not willing to do it. Worse, he smart-asses. This is hurtful to you.

I think a lot of it is I don't feel the romance and the passion like he has with her. And it hurts. I try to tell him to hold me, kiss me, and a lot of the times I will get smart-ass remarks just because that's the way he is, a jokester.
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It doesn't matter if he likes to joke. He could do what you ask. He could hold up his end of the stick in tending to his wife. Do the job and then joke later.

What do you have as a consequence of him neglecting you?

Galagirl
 
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Sorry, it's been a while. Kinda been busy.

I have talked to him about opening up and maybe me getting a gf so I can get what I want. But I know what I really want is her. This is her (and my) first relationship with another girl, and we don't really know how to go about things. Kinda weird.

But there have been some positive things in the last couple days. We were flirting back and forth, which made me feel really good. We are going on a trip (maybe in a couple weeks?), just me and her, overnight out of town. We are both really excited. So I'm kinda feeling a bit more loving.

As far as he goes, he does not text her while we are having sex. Usually we will say ok, say goodnight to her, and we both will. And the same with me. The nights that they get to have their date night, have "alone" time, I do not text either of them. That is their time to have alone, and I respect that.

As far as him being a jokester, it's always been that way, even when we were mono. He would screw around with me. I think I sometimes take things seriously. Since we have our gf, I ask for it more and take it to heart a little more.

I am a very very sensitive and emotional person. I ask for sex, he says no, and I cry. That is something that I am really working on-- trying not to be so sensitive and emotional. But even though I didn't get what I wanted, he still held me and cuddled with me, and that was way way more important.
 
AZtriad said:
I am a very very sensitive and emotional person. I ask for sex, he says no, and I cry. that is something that I am REALLY working on. trying not to be so sensitive and emotional. but even though I didn't get what i wanted, he still held me and cuddled with me, and that was way way more important.
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Good for you for asking for sex, but being comforted with cuddles. But I still think he should be sexing you up just as often as he was pre-gf. This is a boundary many people have when their primary is in NRE. God knows, I am such a horny person, if I had less of my usual quota of sex, I would be quite upset, and make my wishes known in no uncertain terms! If a partner was having so much sex with their new person, they had no desire, urge, lust, energy, left for me, I would probably point out they weren't handling poly well and better take a step back with new person to see to my needs.
 
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