a horrible situation

thekavorka

thekavorka

New member
i have become close friends with a married couple. we are all in our early 20s. they have two daughters (1 and 2 yrs old). the female and I have become very close, attracted to each other, and intimate. which the husband absolutely knew from the beginning and was ok with. however, they have had their own marital problems, she had an affair with another man, he got shot a few years ago and she did not know how to handle it and detached herself from the relationship, she didnt know how to take care of him. the result being a long period of abstinence between them. anyway, the wife and i have been intimate and about two weeks ago she introduces the idea of me becoming their mutual girlfriend. i am all for it because theres always been an attraction between her husband and i. so i tell them okay well sit down and discuss our boundaries etc. at this point her husband and i are getting to know eachother, we have not had sex, and havent done anything beyond heavy petting and kissing. and the three of us have been sharing a bed. so we finally have our serious talk(a few days after her husband and i have spent some time together). i ask them if we are going to be exclusive or completely all the way out polyamorous. the wife says she doesnt mind me seeing other people. the husband says he does, and wants this to be completely exclusive between the 3 of us. we go on to discuss other things, and we all go to bed. the husband and i slept alone that night as the wife slept with her daughter. i wake up the next morning alone, the wife is gone, the husband is home with the kids. he tells me "we had a huge fight, she said its divorce-worthy, she's mad that i dont want you seeing anybody else, and at this point i shouldnt have any feelings for you, and if i do she wants to leave me." good. god. at this point i'm pretty upset, shes violated all of our rules of being open and not shutting people out, she should have brought this up when we were discussing it, not let it stew and blow up the next day. i am also upset because i have developed a connection with her husband, a quite profound connection actually that is not solely sexually based,its hard to explain, but i feel very close and comfortable with him. anyway, her husband tells me he's never felt this way with this wife, and that its making him question their marriage, because of the way he feels for me in addition to their other marital issues. i tell them both to leave me out of it, i tell him if he wants to leave her for his own reasons then that is his decision to make. but i will not be the catalyst. he insists he is not leaving her for me but rather because i made him realize what he really doesnt have. i feel horrible about all of this. and in the end have probably lost two close friends. what is my obligation here? i have become very attracted to him, and i know the right thing to do is to cut off all ties, but to be honest i dont know if i have that strength to turn him down. in total honesty, i want him. and i wanted the 3 of us to work. i am mad she precariously brought me into their marriage, let me develop feelings, then kick me out. any advice would be so helpful, as i have absolutely NO ONE to talk to about this. as of now he told me hes leaving her with or without me, but he wants me in the end. i didnt respond, and havent spoken to either of them since.
 
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Yeap that's pretty horrible. Listen. A bunch of people are about to give you useless advice about "communication" and "wants, needs, and limits" that will enable you to drag this out for months, perhaps even years. But I am about to give you three shots of whiskey's and five zeroes worth of advice that will do you much more good than all the poly-math in the world:

Run. Don't walk. You are in your early 20's. Don't listen to me. Learn it the hard way and you will waste less time than trying to "make it work".

DO NOT LISTEN TO ME. It is NOT that simple. I don't know you, don't know who you are, don't know what you've been through, can't possibly understand how awesome the sex is and how this guy makes you feel. I do NOT know what I'm talking about. It will be different for you, you will be the one.

I see the future, and it is a place about seventy miles east of here, where it's lighter out.
 
no no. i dont need the long drawn out discussions. i'm upset i was brought into something they clearly weren't ready for and should not have initiated. i dont have an option here do i? it isnt my place is it? i have to cut off all ties with both of them dont i?
 
"Marriage broken - add more people" Poly Mistake numero uno....You do not want to be this blokes 'fall back girl' whilst he goes through one hell of a messy divorce anyway do you?

Agree with BG, run, run fast, do not stop, do not pick up $200, just cut yourself off from their marital hell, you can find profound connections with people without such messed up lives that they leave you in a bed whilst they have major fights downstairs....urgh! You deserve better than that!!!!!
 
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Run do not pass go do not collect $200.
 
thekavorka said:
no no. i dont need the long drawn out discussions. i'm upset i was brought into something they clearly weren't ready for and should not have initiated. i dont have an option here do i? it isnt my place is it? i have to cut off all ties with both of them dont i?
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You don't *have* to. Who's to say what your "place" is? There isn't a rule book.

But *should* you step back significantly, at the very least becoming just a firmly-platonic friend, and possibly cutting ties altogether? YES. Absolutely yes. For YOUR sake as much as, maybe much more than, theirs. This is a toxic mess. No reason to sugarcoat it, they have a shitty, dysfunctional marriage and they have some big decisions to make. Your presence won't help them with that. Nor will it bring anything good whatsoever into your life.

Chalk this up to a life lesson -- beware unicorn hunters (http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-called-you-a-unicorn-hunter/) offering promises -- and move on to find a healthy person or persons to get involved with.
 
thekavorka said:
i have become close friends with a married couple. we are all in our early 20s. they have two daughters (1 and 2 yrs old).

the female and I have become very close, attracted to each other, and intimate. which the husband absolutely knew from the beginning and was ok with.

however, they have had their own marital problems, she had an affair with another man, he got shot a few years ago and she did not know how to handle it and detached herself from the relationship, she didnt know how to take care of him. the result being a long period of abstinence between them.

anyway, the wife and i have been intimate and about two weeks ago she introduces the idea of me becoming their mutual girlfriend. i am all for it because theres always been an attraction between her husband and i. so i tell them okay well sit down and discuss our boundaries etc.

at this point her husband and i are getting to know each other, we have not had sex, and havent done anything beyond heavy petting and kissing. and the three of us have been sharing a bed.

so we finally have our serious talk(a few days after her husband and i have spent some time together). i ask them if we are going to be exclusive or completely all the way out polyamorous. the wife says she doesnt mind me seeing other people. the husband says he does, and wants this to be completely exclusive between the 3 of us. we go on to discuss other things, and we all go to bed. the husband and i slept alone that night as the wife slept with her daughter.

i wake up the next morning alone, the wife is gone, the husband is home with the kids. he tells me "we had a huge fight, she said its divorce-worthy, she's mad that i dont want you seeing anybody else, and at this point i shouldnt have any feelings for you, and if i do she wants to leave me."

good. god. at this point i'm pretty upset, shes violated all of our rules of being open and not shutting people out, she should have brought this up when we were discussing it, not let it stew and blow up the next day. i am also upset because i have developed a connection with her husband, a quite profound connection actually that is not solely sexually based,its hard to explain, but i feel very close and comfortable with him.

anyway, her husband tells me he's never felt this way with this wife, and that its making him question their marriage, because of the way he feels for me in addition to their other marital issues. i tell them both to leave me out of it, i tell him if he wants to leave her for his own reasons then that is his decision to make. but i will not be the catalyst. he insists he is not leaving her for me but rather because i made him realize what he really doesnt have.

i feel horrible about all of this. and in the end have probably lost two close friends. what is my obligation here? i have become very attracted to him, and i know the right thing to do is to cut off all ties, but to be honest i dont know if i have that strength to turn him down. in total honesty, i want him. and i wanted the 3 of us to work. i am mad she precariously brought me into their marriage, let me develop feelings, then kick me out.

any advice would be so helpful, as i have absolutely NO ONE to talk to about this. as of now he told me hes leaving her with or without me, but he wants me in the end. i didnt respond, and havent spoken to either of them since.
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Hi, I broke your wall of text down into paragraphs. Sometimes new people are posting/venting from their phones and create a wall of text that is hard to read, comprehend or respond to.

I am sorry you all had sex (I call "heavy petting", ie, breast play, and fingering and stroking of the genitalia, to arousal and possibly orgasm, sex) before having properly talked it all through. I am also sorry this couple is getting along so badly just after bringing 2 new people into the world, bam, bam!

Get on outa their way and let them manage their split without your sexiness distracting either of them. I know it's hard, you're all riled up with feelings and arousal, but they sound a mess!
 
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Thank you everyone for your sound advice. i know in my gut you are all right: to run as fast as i can. my struggle will be when he contacts me after their marriage has been dissolved. and i have to find the strength to say NO. i should have seen the writing on the wall and i hope i can find healthy, happy, poly people to surround myself with in the future. i dont know why i didnt stop myself when i knew how disastrous their marriage was. LESSON LEARNED. the hardest way possible. thank you!
 
Even tho he says not to believe him, Boringguy actually has VERY good points.

You're young! Live. What's this my cadets are talking about all the time, this YOLO. You only live once? Well, true, but I like to counteract with YODO, you only die once.

Would you rather come to the end of your life realizing that step you should have taken back but didn't was the catalyst of your entire life?

Believe in yourself to make the best choice, ask what people think and take their advice in hand but the choice is ultimately yours. By coming here and identifying your situation so well, you demonstrate to me that you are understanding of your predicament and that you know what you want.

Remember this, you are your own catalyst, not his.
 
Malfunktions said:
Even tho he says not to believe him, Boringguy actually has VERY good points.
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I didn't mean to not believe what I said. I meant "do not believe it just because I say it." Go find out yourself.
 
Oops! I stand corrected :p
 
well it happened. theyve split up. he has to move out. tomorrow. the wife and i are on good terms...have somehow remained friends through all of this. and of course the husband wants to pursue a relationship with me.

which the wife has no knowledge of.

i've been saying a lot of "ums" and "wellllllll." to him... have been refusing to acknowledge the advances. somebody come slap me and remind me i need to get far, far away from this.

is it possible to step away from not pursuing something you want so badly? it seems like everyone just does it and regrets it greatly later. can anyone who has avoided these seemingly inevitable steps guide me here?
 
oh sorry...it's ex-husband* ex-wife*

funny not funny -___-
 
Yes, it is possible to step away, and from what I have read, you need to. You have been hooked and baited by that BS called "NRE." I have never bought into it, and I roll my eyes when people justify it as an excuse for stupid behaviour.

It is possible to still be a rebound. No matter how much someone swears they hated being married to a person or how many problems they had, separations and divorces will still get the best of that person. It is a highly emotional time even if it goes well. They have children, and we have all seen custody battles get nasty and volatile. They need to handle that.

Step back, offer to be a friend, respect the grieving process for the end of the marriage, if it happens, stop listening to your heart and/or hormones, and think logically. They brought you in to fix their marriage when it was already damaged. Huge mistake and a common idiotic move that usually fails.

You know what you should do? Encourage them to seek family counselling. You said you are friends with the wife. Ask her to consider those children. Their dysfunctional behaviour should not hurt them. Even if they do end up divorcing, they can do it on better terms and minimise any pain.
 
thank you. exactly what i needed to hear. i am getting myself away from this today.
 
thekavorka said:
well it happened. theyve split up . . . the husband wants to pursue a relationship with me.

which the wife has no knowledge of.

i've been saying a lot of "ums" and "wellllllll." to him... have been refusing to acknowledge the advances. somebody come slap me and remind me i need to get far, far away from this.
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*SLAP!*

Don't be wishy-washy with "umm's" and "welllll" - take a stance and firmly say "No. Do not ask me that again. I wish you well but I don't want to get involved. You need to focus on dealing with your marriage ending -- leave me out of it."
 
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