Fighting "metamours," DnD argument

[ImaginaryIllusion]

As I expected, they resolved things before I could get to it...

But lessons for next time:

• DnD arguments are a gaming issue, not a poly issue.
  [*]Sometimes when men get all puffy and beat their chests at each other, they're just working it out. Let it ride.
• If you really want to interrupt the testosterone poisoning, give them a common enemy. So next time they get in a pissing contest over DnD rules, tell them that someone told them to go get a "real" rule system! You can even say it was me, and use an absurd example that they hate. Palladium, maybe? Just give me a heads up so I can prep the welcoming wards.

Cheers.

As for snippy responses...I think members around here could consider rethinking their behavior, and review the guidelines once in a while, to remind themselves of the spirit the board was built on, rather than just the letters and wording that some have been comfortable taking advantage of.

 

[Marcus]

It was said above that this fight is not my business. Hell yes, it is. It's my house, my husband, my friend, and they fucked my night up. So how is it not my business?

I find it is important to take a reasonable viewpoint on what is mine to take responsibility over and what is not. If I'm at a gaming table and a couple of players are acting like little babies, with their heads up their asses, like you described, is my business in so far as I get to decide if I want to inject myself into the situation or stay out of it. Injecting myself into a situation which wasn't caused by me and which I have no way to help/solve is just being a busybody, and I'm likely going to get irritated in the process.

IV had a death in the family a few months ago which was very dramatic. I'll spare you the details, but there was plenty of lying, manipulating, and emotional bullying going on surrounding the death. IV was a total wreck, crying frequently, just all-around irritated. This affected me a great deal. So if I functioned by your rules, and anything that ruined my night was under my authority, I could have called up her cousins and given them a piece of my mind. I could have told IV that she needs to stop being depressed, because she's in my house, and it's ruining my night!

Or... I can recognize that it's not my business and just be supportive if she reaches out to me.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I do, however, have a hard time believing that when two men I both care for fight I am just supposed to act like nothing is wrong. This time it was just a gamer's fight, but what happens when it's a fight over something more serious?

There's a difference between acting like nothing is wrong, and not getting involved. You can tell them that you don't want to be in the middle of their argument, so you're officially going to be Switzerland. You still love and support them, and are willing to listen to them vent if they need to, but won't be offering your opinion.

To those responding with scorn or derision because it is a "game," please don't delegitimize someone else's emotional investment in something they are passionate about just because it isn't something that interests you. Plenty of people get deeply emotionally involved in sports, even though they're "just games," too.

If it helps you to see the situation through your personal filter, just pretend the original poster said "music theory" or "politics," or whatever you happen to be passionate about. The fact is, when there is tension between two people it often crops up in unrelated areas, such as games (or political discussions, or sports rivalries, or whatever). Ignoring the underlying issue that she's asking about in lieu of pointing out that you personally would not be emotionally invested in a game is not particularly helpful.

Last time I checked, any friendship worth having should be strong enough to discuss gaming rules, music theory, or the miserable excuse we have for a government, without spilling out all over the rest of your lives. At the same time, two people who can't sit down and talk about what's really bothering them are going to bring their issues into any irrelevant conversation, be it gaming rules, music theory, or the miserable excuse we have for a government.

There is no issue so near and dear to me that I would ruin friendships with anyone just because they disagree with my opinion. Anyone too drastically different probably wouldn't be my friend in the first place.

 

[castle33]

Thanks again for the replies.

The guys are fine now. I was concerned because this was the first time they did not see eye-to-eye on something. I also think that it was caused by their underlying jealousy, mainly my husband's. When it comes to gaming, I tend to feel more comfortable with Knight. We have more fun together. My husband is very controlling and strict when we play MTG or DnD, and this wipes out the fun for me.

I know this bothers my husband. Sometimes he feels that I put Knight first, not just in gaming, but in life. My husband is still learning how to control his emotions. He is not used to me sharing my attention yet. We have talked about it. It is an ongoing process.

I was not super upset or worried about the "fight." The night it happened, I talked to the husband, and after hearing how he felt, I calmed down. The next day the guys were talking and laughing as if nothing happened. I did not get in the middle of it. The things I posted about here were my internal feelings. I needed to sort them out. Posting here helped.

The only thing that put me in the middle of the fight was me trying to get back to the game while they were being mean to each other. My husband snapped at me... So, for a while, I felt that I was "in it."

Looking back now, I know I was selfish. I was also letting my feelings for Knight get in the way. I am no longer feeling NRE with Knight, but I hate watching him feel bad, no matter the reason. I know it is not evenly put out there. When my husband is upset, I tend to just nod and carry on with my day. I am so used to him being pissed all the time. It makes me a bad wife. I understand that. It's something I have to work on.

We are gaming again this weekend. I'm excited, and I feel like I have learned my own lesson about not over-thinking their disagreements.

At least I'm not married to a paladin.

Oh, and for BoringGuy, this is why I haven't been out much:

http://gma.yahoo.com/photos/central...ew-flooded-centre-passau-photo-075055092.html

 

[Marcus]

When my husband is upset, I tend to just nod and carry on with my day. I am so used to him being pissed all of the time. It makes me a bad wife. I understand that. Something I have to work on.

Wait, that makes you a bad wife? What is a good wife supposed to do, get in a bad mood with him? Coddle him? It seems like leaving him to enjoy his bad mood on his own is the only reasonable thing to do!