Conundrum of a lifetime, please help!

[NatalieRose]

Tips, support, advice, whatever you have to give, I could use it right about now.

To spare you a novel, I'll put my situation in a nutshell (as much as I can):

- Over the last several years, I've come to realize that I am polyamorous, both by nature and desire. I know this without a doubt.

- About 6 months ago, I fell very deeply in love with a friend (call him Noah) through work. I did not cheat on my husband (Liam), but the connection I had with Noah was so intense and undeniable, that though I still deeply loved Liam, I knew I would have to come out soon. (I'd had other loves throughout my marriage, but nothing like this connection.)

- A couple of months ago, I came out to Liam, my monogamous husband of nearly six years. He and I have two sweet children together, who are three and four-years old. It was a shock that was handled with much love and understanding. In the process of discussion, Liam asked about Noah, and found out that I did have strong feelings/love for him. This added layers of complication. It was not how I intended things to go.

- Over two months of more communication, love, and acceptance than I knew possible between two humans, Liam determined that he is solidly monogamous, and though we are completely in love with each other, we determined together that it would be best to separate in order to gain clarity. Not divorce, but separate and remain open to any changes either of us may go through in the future. The door remains open.

This is much easier said than done. Liam is in graduate school and finances are very tight. We also are very emotionally close to one another and our priority is to be good parents to our children. There is much to figure out. We'll live together for the rest of the summer, then separate in early September, before the next term starts. We have already begun seeing a therapist about how to best help the children adjust to these massive life changes in the smoothest possible way. I am also seeing my own therapist, and my husband is as well.

- Once Liam and I decided to officially separate, we agreed it was a natural time for me to begin seeing my other love. We were both very much at peace with the decision. Communication has come to an all-time high between all three parties (though Liam and Noah do not communicate much yet).

- In the last several weeks, Liam has gone back and forth between feeling very strongly monogamous, and wanting to pursue a multi-family polyamorous relationship with me. I grant him his process in whatever way he needs it. I would love to have a multi-family situation. I wouldn't have otherwise come out to him.

- And to add the final layer of emotional intensity to all of this, I may now be pregnant with Noah's child.

I am new to all of this. Things are moving at warp speed. If I'm being really honest, I've got no clue how to process or handle any of this. Polyamory is new to all parties involved in this situation. I would be so grateful for any support or advice.

Much love,
Natalie

 

[Marcus]

I've really no clue how to process or handle any of this.

I'd say, stick with what you are doing. It may seem like your world is spinning out of control but, at least by what you've written here, you are ahead of the game.

Sounds like you two are covering so many bases that you could probably write your own book on the subject. Allowing people their own "process," as you put it, while taking full authority and responsibility for your own needs and desires are the major points I would recommend. Since you already seem to be doing this, I can only offer you a 'high five' and encourage you to keep it up.

 

[Magdlyn]

You say you've had other loves before. Did you husband know about those, or did you keep it on the downlow? Was your new affaire de ceour a complete surprise to him, or part of a pattern?

It's interesting Liam is up and down, considering maybe staying with you and accepting you being polyamorous. This is normal. It can take many months, even a year or two, for a previously monogamous couple to open up comfortably.

Maybe he will come around. Make sure he reads Opening Up.

Meanwhile, my usual reaction to someone being knocked up at an extremely inconvenient time is: abortion is legal. Very bad situation to bring a new baby into!

Does Liam know you've had unprotected sex with Noah? Everyone now needs to be tested for STDs. Does he know you might be pregnant, or are you waiting for until you take a test?

 

[NatalieRose]

Replies to Marcus and Magdlyn

Marcus: Thank you for your words. I really appreciate your kindness. All of this is quite hard, to say the least, but if it sounds to an experienced polyamorous person that we're keeping our heads above water, well, Onward and Upward!

Magdlyn: My husband was unaware of my new love, as he was of the other romantic connections I'd made throughout our marriage. I always suppressed those feelings and moved on. I knew the time wasn't right. It was a pattern, but not one he knew about.

As far as sex goes, I didn't say my new partner and I were having unprotected sex. Things can go awry. That's all I'll say about that.

Yes, abortion is an option, and it's on the table. I'm a pro-choice individual, but I'm not sure I can go there this time. We may all end up deciding to keep the baby. I have to say, I disagree that our situation would be an awful one to bring a new life into. We are all overflowing with love for each other. There's a good deal of confusion and uncertainty about the future, but this baby would have two daddies who would love it very much, and two older siblings who would be excited beyond words at having a new addition. Who knows? Maybe the new baby would even bring everyone together. One can hope. Not sure what we'll do yet.

And yes, Noah has been tested for STDs, as have Liam and I.

Moving forward, one 12-hour segment at a time.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

Your first few bullets, I could have written them myself, to a T, so I completely feel for you. For me, after a month of deliberation, threats of divorce, many tears and much heartache, my spouse decided to try poly and began dating, while I began seeing my other love.

I am sorry it did not go this way for you, but there is still hope. It sounds like Liam may be coming around to the idea. Maybe for him it just took longer to process. Like I said, we did almost separate, but my spouse decided to give it a go instead. Perhaps it is just taking Liam longer to come to terms. According to my therapist (who specializes in alternative love styles, and is a poly person herself-- I suggest you find someone like this), transition can be long and difficult, but she has seen many people come through it.

I think you are doing what you can, for now. I was where you are a few months ago, minus the pregnancy part. That's tough! Feel free to private message me. Best of luck.

 

[BoringGuy]

Marcus: Thank you for your words. I really appreciate your kindness. All of this is quite hard, to say the least, but if it sounds to an experienced poly that we're keeping our heads above water, well, Onward and Upward!

Magdlyn: My husband was unaware of my new love, as he was of the other romantic connections I'd made throughout our marriage. I always suppressed those feelings and moved on, I knew the time wasn't right. It was a pattern, but not one he knew about.

As far as sex goes, I didn't say my new partner and I were having unprotected sex. Things can go awry. That's all I'll say about that.

Yes, abortion is an option, and it's on the table. I'm a pro-choice individual, but I'm not sure I can go there this time. We may all end up deciding to keep the baby. I have to say, I disagree that our situation would be an awful one to bring a new life into, we are all overflowing with love for each other. There's a good deal of confusion and uncertainty about the future, but this baby would have two daddies who love it very much, and two older siblings who would be excited beyond words at having a new addition. Who knows? Maybe new baby would even bring everyone together. One can hope. Not sure what we'll do yet.

And yes, Noah has been tested for STDs, as have Liam and I.

Moving forward, one 12-hour segment at a time.

Adoption is also legal, if you want to bring a "new life" into the world but not into an "awful situation." You could even do "open" adoption, which you might be aware there are various "levels" of doing, especially if you're white, because rich white people will pay big bucks and jump through all sorts of hoops to get a white baby. Better still if the baby turns out to not be born addicted to crack or something. Even though it will probably offend people that I dare to say this out loud without employing pig-Latin, you all know that this is how shit works in the real world.

 

[Magdlyn]

Magdlyn: Liam was unaware of my new love, as he was of the other romantic connections I'd made throughout our marriage. I always suppressed those feelings and moved on. I knew the time wasn't right. It was a pattern, but not one he knew about.

But by this point, not only does he know of your love for Noah, but you've also been forthcoming to show him this has been a pattern all along, and you just couldn't stand the unrequited longing for another lover one more year?

As far as sex goes, I didn't say Noah and I were having unprotected sex. Things can go awry. That's all I'll say about that.

This dismissal strikes me oddly. So, there was no agreement between you and Liam and/or Noah to become fluid bonded with Noah, but you had birth control failure? A condom broke or slipped off? Happens to the best of us. Hopefully all of you were tested before the condom broke.

Yes, abortion is an option, and it's on the table. I'm a pro-choice individual, but I'm not sure I can go there this time. We may all end up deciding to keep the baby. I have to say, I disagree that our situation would be an awful one to bring a new life into, we are all overflowing with love for each other. There's a good deal of confusion and uncertainty about the future, but this baby would have two daddies who love it very much, and two older siblings who would be excited beyond words at having a new addition. Who knows? Maybe new baby would even bring everyone together.

Oh no, honey. New babies are not meant to bring troubled adults together. How often has this been tried in failing mono relationships and shown to be completely wrong? Never mind in this case, where two men new to poly are feeling tetchy toward each other, you and Liam are separated, the baby wasn't even planned, your present kids are so young...

You remember surely what being huge and pregnant is like, and having a newborn is like, the sleeplessness, the leaky, perhaps sore breasts, the constant changing of its diapers and stained outfits, the chance of colicky screaming, the healing of your nethers, the raging hormones, falling in love with your baby, lost in it so you can barely see the rest of the world... All while possibly being a single mom of three?

 

[dingedheart]

You said you fell deeply in love with a coworker 6 months ago. This happened several times before and during your marriage, but you suppressed it. And this time, as well, you never cheated. Are you saying you never cheated physically, and that you informed Noah of your deep feelings aftercoming clean to Liam? Or were you having an emotional affair, and keeping it just short of penetration?

It sounds like you tried to pitch this opening up without telling Liam about being deeply in love with Noah. Is this why there were layers of complications? What were those layers? How did you intend it to go?

 

[WhatHappened]

Just to clarify, you told Liam about Noah after you'd developed a strong connection with him? Liam wanted a separation? Is he aware you've started sleeping with Noah?

It sounds like all three parties are not actually in communication. It sounds like you're doing a lot of talking with each of them. Does Liam feel any desire to talk with Noah, or does he regard him as your affair partner?

It is not wise to rush into an abortion on the basis that babies can be messy and exhausting, or fears of being unable to handle things. The emotions that may come in the wake of abortion often last much longer than pregnancy, and this is still a child's life we're talking about. There are plenty of resources out there.

Have you confirmed you're pregnant yet?

 

[Marcus]

It is not wise to rush into an abortion on the basis that babies can be messy and exhausting or fears of being unable to handle things. The emotions that may come in the wake of abortion often last much longer than pregnancy.

Some women have strong emotional responses to an abortion. That is certainly true. Some women spiral into depression and even do crazy things to hurt themselves (or others).

Some women have strong emotional responses to having a child, that is certainly true. Some women spiral into depression and even do crazy things to hurt themselves (or others).

and this is still a child's life we're talking about.

Do we really need to go down this road?

 

[IndieSolo]

The emotions that often come in the wake of abortion often last much longer than pregnancy, and this is still a child's life we're talking about.

Many women don't have an emotional reaction to having an abortion except for one of relief.

And really, to talk about a "child's life" at this stage, when it is still a fetus, is unnecessary. The OP has said she is pro-choice and considering her choices. No need to lecture her about that. The topic at hand is really the situation with her marriage, coming clean about what's been going on, and the sad fact that she thinks a baby might "fix" a troubled or broken adult situation.

OP, having a baby won't fix your relationships, but working on them, with therapy, honesty, etc., might.

 

[WhatHappened]

Do we really need to go down this road?

"We" do not need to go down any road.

And really, to talk about a "child's life" at this stage, when it is still a fetus, is unnecessary. The OP has said she is pro-choice and aware of her choices. No need to lecture her.

Unnecessary. Interesting choice of words. I wasn't aware that one clause now constitutes a lecture. My kids will be pleased to hear that!

 

[BoringGuy]

"We" do not need to go down any road.

Unnecessary. Interesting choice of words. I wasn't aware that one clause now constitutes a lecture. My kids will be pleased to hear that!

This actually is a very interesting post. WH, I like you, but I am going to use this as an example, and it may rub you the wrong way.

First WH says "we're" talking about a child's life, then Marcus continues with the use of Royal We, at which juncture WH drops the Royal We like a red-hot brick and goes on to talk about someone else's "interesting" choice of words.

I think the use of "we" as laid out above is also "interesting," but perhaps it's just another Aspie Moment and therefore not capable of being understood by the average neurotypical.

 

[Dirtclustit]

Kind of like having a strong grip

is impossible to read between and if they not that I guarantee they are aware of the V, it'd be like being restricted to "hearing" a radio program like the 40's instead of watching it on TV. Maybe it was the embroidery comments during embroidering?

Maybe the best bet would be instead helping as opposed to sabotaging, I know it doesn't make logical sense, but are you guys honestly gaining any ground? or are you losing it?