Not sure where I stand

[Wifeto2]

I posted a while back about being in a relationship with my gf and dh. Well, things have only gone downhill. I gave them permission to have sex without me. I was happy for them. In the end though, I have been being ignored by dh for the past few weeks, while he and gf have continued to have sex.

Gf and I have slowly been working towards our own relationship sexually, but ultimately I am still being ignored by dh.

I have been very honest and open and communicating with him about my feelings, but regardless, have still been ignored. I brought up looking for a bf because I need to have my needs met, both emotionally and physically, and am not. Dh freaked out, and said things were done with gf, and he would make a better effort to give me attention.

We have talked all day. Tonight one of the things out of his mouth was, "I want to have a threeway when I come home, because she keeps getting ignored, because we are figuring our feelings out."

I told dh tonight that I'm done. I'm telling gf I need her to stay away, and I'm done with dh. I can't ride this roller coaster of emotions anymore.

If you don't have anything productive to say, or insist on being crude and crass, don't respond to my thread. I can do without it right now

 

[BlackUnicorn]

I didn't quite get your post. Are you breaking up with both dh and gf? That seems a bit rash.

Generally, the "relationship broken, add more people" approach doesn't work. Who would want to get involved with you if have a job description ready for them: "Fulfill my needs A, B and C, because my husband won't"?

 

[BoringGuy]

I can't be crude, crass, or unproductive until someone asks a stupid question.

 

[london]

Do you understand that your issues are in your marriage? Forbidding your girlfriend to stay is blaming her for the issues between you and your husband. He's fine with her. You're fine with her. It's your marriage that is the issue. You need to have a frank discussion about that. I said before that it might mean that sex with your husband isn't something that happens frequently, and your relationship with him might be about other things.

He shouldn't stop you finding that elsewhere, though. That's wrong.

I think you both have to own up to how things actually are, and not what you'd like them to be.

 

[Natja]

Your relationship with your husband has changed. This frequently happens with polyamory, and yet it still manages to shock some couples.

To be fair (and I hope not crass or vulgar) I really do not think you have given it enough time. It has really only been a week or two (certainly not several weeks) since you said you'd given them permission to sleep together. You expected change too soon.

My own thoughts are that you are not really comfortable with this relationship because you feel the threat to your relationship with dh, and can't really handle this NRE.

Perhaps polyamory is simply not for you? Like many people going into it, especially in a triad, you assumed fully equal levels of NRE, and were not prepared to be locked out of the NRE.

I also don't believe your threat to get your own bf. I think you said that to shock your husband and get him to feel jealous. The fact that he reacted so strongly is telling. He wants to be the only man, but he can't take care of both his partners. He is mono-focused and yet totally willing to dump the girlfriend at a moment's notice.

It seems like very selfish and unhealthy behaviour all around. If you do continue together, please seek counselling and stick to monogamy.

 

[Wifeto2]

Do you understand that your issues are in your marriage? Forbidding your girlfriend to stay is blaming her for the issues between you and your husband. He's fine with her. You're fine with her. It's your marriage that is the issue. You need to have a frank discussion about that. I said before that it might mean that sex with your husband isn't something that happens frequently, and your relationship with him might be about other things. He shouldn't stop you finding that elsewhere though. That's wrong. I think you both have to own up to how things actually are, and not what you'd like them top be.

We have admitted that it's issues between the two of us. I can understand that sex might not happen as frequently, but I didn't expect to be shut out completely. It's not how we would like it to be. I understand the treatment isn't always going to be equal, but I'm not getting anything. Dh and I have had many discussions about this, and it always goes back to him being more worried about her feelings and needs.

 

[Wifeto2]

Your relationship with your husband has changed, this frequently happens with Poly and yet it still manages to shock some couples.
But to be fair (and I hope not crass or vulgar) I really do not think you have given it enough time, it has really only been a week or two (certainly not several weeks) since you said you have given them permission to sleep together but you expected change too soon.

My own thoughts are that you are not really comfortable with this relationship because you feel the threat to your relationship and can't really handle this NRE.
Perhaps Poly simply is not for you? Like many people going into it, especially in a triad, you assumed fully equal level of NRE and was not prepared to be locked out of the NRE.

I also don't believe your threat to get your own bf, I think you said that to shock your husband and get him to feel jealous, the fact that he reacted so strongly is telling, he wants to be the only man but he can't take care of both his partners, he is mono-focused and yet totally willing to dump the girlfriend at a moments notice, it seems like very selfish and unhealthy behaviour all around, if you do continue together please seek counselling and stick to monogamy.

If not being able to handle the NRE is not being ok with being ignored then yes you are very much right about me not being able to handle it. I'm not just locked out of his NRE with her but everything with him.

Me saying I wanted a bf was not me making a threat. I am not having ANY needs being met. If they aren't able to meet my needs then I should be finding someone to meet them right? I have been through a roller coaster of emotions this last few weeks. Right now I'm just drained. I have talked alittle this morning to gf.

 

[Natja]

If not being able to handle the NRE is not being ok with being ignored then yes you are very much right about me not being able to handle it. I'm not just locked out of his NRE with her but everything with him.

NRE can turn people into beasts and can be very selfish, it seems like you are locked out of everything because there is very little else left in him at the moment.

Me saying I wanted a bf was not me making a threat.

Right, ok, I am glad I was wrong about that.

I am not having ANY needs being met. If they aren't able to meet my needs then I should be finding someone to meet them right?

Absolutely, but do you really think what you want is another partner? Or is what you really want is attention from your current ones? Because if it IS the latter than getting a former won't really solve your true needs.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you hurt.

This sounds like poly hell. Perhaps reading that together could help you guys salvage things, learn and set the polyship back on course.

Or if you are done, and feel like you don't want to be in polyship with GF or DH any more, you could shelve it for a time. (You pick the time -- a day, week... only you know how much you have to think through.) If you are still done with them in that time, you're done.

But do not make major life-changing choices while in an high emotional state. Take a time out to cool off. Even if you come to the same conclusion that you want to break up with both of them, you'll arrive at it from a cooler head kind of place, free of emotional rollercoaster wackies. And if not totally free -- at least "lower in volume" so you can form your next steps.

I can imagine it must feel very hard. Hang in there.

Galagirl

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I'm telling gf I need her to stay away. I'm done with dh. I can't ride this roller coaster of emotions anymore.

I really hope you can work this out. Do you have any poly-friendly therapists in your area? i know mine is immensely, helpful, and actually after i went to her, BF and his spouse each started seeing her too (hubs has not, he has his own person for different mental health matters and is doing very well with poly). I

'm not going to call you rash, or be crude or mean or anything. You clearly do not need this right now. If what you need is space, take space, but i'd suggest not jumping right to divorce. Separate maybe. Take some time to focus on you, what you need, what makes you happy. I suggest reading The Seven Natural laws of Love by Deborah Anapol.

My BF's wife is also struggling with our relationship, and some other issues (though if anything, he puts her needs over mine as gf) and i sincerely hope she doesnt come to this same conclusion, because I do not want to see him hurt. I hope GF in your situation feels the same way.

I also call BS on him not wanting you to get a bf. you deserve love and attention, but make sure you are taking care of yourself for yourself before introducing new people.

Best of luck, keep us posted.

 

[Wifeto2]

NRE can turn people into beasts and can be very selfish, it seems like you are locked out of everything because there is very little else left in him at the moment.

i can understand that reasoning. Just sucks being the one on the outside


Right, ok, I am glad I was wrong about that.



Absolutely, but do you really think what you want is another partner? Or is what you really want is attention from your current ones? Because if it IS the latter than getting a former won't really solve your true needs.

that is def something to think about. And if I did look for another partner it wouldn't happen overnight. Like I said I move slow.

 

[Wifeto2]

I am sorry you hurt.

Sounds like poly hell.

Perhaps reading that together could help you guys salvage / learn from it and set the polyship back on course.

Or if you are done, and feel like you don't want to be in polyship with GF or DH any more... could shelve it for a time. (You pick the time -- a day, week, only you know how much you have to think through. ) If you are still done with them in that time? You are still done with them.

But could not make major life changing choices while in an high emotional state... take a time out to cool off, and even if you come to the same conclusion, that you want to break up with both of them -- you arrive at it from a cooler head kind of place free of emotional rollercoaster wackies.

I read that last night. It makes complete sense. It fit completely. This has been hard. Very hard. I've come to realize a lot about myself this past few weeks. I do like arrangements like this. I just don't like to be completely ignored.

 

[Wifeto2]

I really hope you can work this out. Do you have any poly-friendly therapists in your area? Mine is immensely helpful... BF and his spouse each started seeing her too (hubs has not, he has his own person for different mental health matters and is doing very well with poly)... If what you need is space, take space, but i'd suggest not jumping right to divorce. Separate maybe, and take some time to focus on you. What you need, what makes you happy.

My BF's wife is also struggling with our relationship, and some other issues (though if anything, he puts her needs over mine...) I sincerely hope she doesn't come to this same conclusion, because I do not want to see him hurt. I hope GF in your situation feels the same way.

I also call BS on him not wanting you to get a bf. You deserve love and attention, but make sure you are taking care of yourself before introducing new people.

The closest therapist is in Boston, 45 min away. We are not in the position financially to be able to pay for one. I have separated myself away from both of them. He is on the road and she is sick. She is down here. I can't send her upstairs to take care of her children by herself with her being so sick. I tend to stay to myself when I'm like this and need to figure things out. I talked to gf this morning. I let her know that I'm not mad at her, I'm just emotionally tapped out. I told her I know I can be cold when I'm like this. I don't want her to think it's her. I just have to work through things.

They have both said they are done for a bit, as it seems to be so hard on me. I love seeing them interact and be loving towards each other. When I got upset was when I was getting nothing from either of them. I had to seek both of them out for attention. Our gf feels the same as you do. She doesn't want to see us split over her.

I appreciate the advice you guys/girls have given me. I realize that this new and I don't know nearly enough. Right now I am just numb. I'm not feeling much of anything.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sounds like you are doing some soul searching then to determine if you are willing to try again or no longer willing.

Hang in there.

Galagirl