Texting agreements

H

Hes

New member
Hello, I'm new to this and struggling with jealousy. This I what I wanted, but man, it feels really hard.

Can anyone share agreements you've made with your primary partner about texting other lovers? How much is too much?
What about saying goodnight and good morning every day?
hat about when you are out together at a party?

We have made some agreements already, such a no texting in our bedroom.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

The amount of texting that he is doing feels overwhelming, but I don't want to be controlling. Plus it's new and fun for him. I don't want to take that away. At the same time, I want to be gentle with myself as we venture into this new territory. Thanks!
 
Hes said:
At the same time I want to be gentle with myself as we venture into this new territory. Thanks!
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I don't exert control over my partners (not that any partner of mine would let me).

A more constructive approach is to deal with your own problems. If you are feeling insecure you should seek therapy, do some reading, get in shape, get a better job, whatever it takes for you to feel better about yourself. Putting restrictions on the environment so that it can better coddle your emotional issues is not a solution... it is just delaying the inevitable while at the same time risking your current relationships.

Avoid asking someone else to adjust their behavior in service to your insecurities.
 
Texting agreements sounds like 'permission'

Your negative feelings are yours to deal with, not your partner's to tiptoe around/avoid triggering. I can't imagine telling those I love how much they can or can't do something that they want to do (and enjoy), and I sure as hell can't imagine being okay with one of them trying to control me via emotional leverage. Letting him know how his actions make you feel, that's one thing, but setting up rules for his behavior? That sounds control-y.

Your partner is experiencing NRE, which is awesome. Try to be happy for him, experience some compersion; share in his excitement and joy. This kind of thinking will not only make the jealousy easier to wipe away, but will open the door for some awesome emotional synergy with your partner/s.
 
Hope this helps

All I can do to help is tell you how we worked it out.

My wife and I agreed when either of us schedule time with our GF, the other usually keeps it quiet on the texting. We also agreed that when it's me and just the wife, neither of us is to text with the GF, just so it can be us time.

I actually felt the same way for a long time. Our GF was the wife's GF first. I talked it out with them and we agreed what we would want as per us time. Other wise, they chat while we're in bed and we all say good morning, and goodnight everyday.

It made all of our relationships stronger, talking it out. We didn't set limitations, just understanding, kinda like in the sense, I wouldn't text my best friend while on a date with the wife, because it would be rude.
 
Thanks guys. This is helpful. I do have a great poly-friendly therapist, and a meditation practice that keeps me out of my head (for the most part). Being a part of this community will be great for working through this too. Thanks again.
 
There is a huge difference between saying "Do not text your other gf at such-and-such time or in such-and-such situation" and "I really would appreciate it if you were present with me and giving me your attention right now. I want to talk to you and enjoy your company." The first is telling him what he can or cannot do, effectively attempting to manage his other relationship (which is none of your business), while the second is asking for what you need.
 
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nycindie said:
I really would appreciate it if you were present with me and giving me your attention right now
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On that note I would say there is a difference between disliking spending time with someone who is always texting and playing on their phone and having an issue with them texting a particular party.

If someone finds it rude for me to be on my phone while we are hanging out they are entitled to tell me their preference and I can respond however I feel is appropriate for me. I'm not fond of being told how I should behave, so that might not get a very warm welcome, but they are entitled to ask.

However, if someone doesn't want me talking to "her" (another gf) because that makes them feel insecure, well, that's a different discussion entirely. At that point, it isn't a matter of accommodating a preference, it is about my changing my actions to placate their insecurities.
 
Marcus said:
On that note I would say there is a difference between disliking spending time with someone who is always texting and playing on their phone and having an issue with them texting a particular party.
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Absolutely right!

Marcus said:
If someone finds it rude for me to be on my phone while we are hanging out they are entitled to tell me their preference and I can respond however I feel is appropriate for me. I'm not fond of being told how I should behave so that might not get a very warm welcome but they are entitled to ask.
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How rude it is to be texting other people all depends on the scenario, I think.

I have no problem if someone says, "Oh, excuse me, I was waiting for this message and I have to reply," or "I need to take this call," once in a while. But generally, I feel that anyone who is in my company and focused on their phone is giving me a clear message - that they would rather be somewhere else or with someone else. That, to me, is rude.

If it is important to someone to be with me, then I would expect to have their attention and for them to be with me. If it is so important to be texting that other person, go do it but don't expect me to excuse you, and sit around to wait until you're done. Why shouldn't someone I am with at least be paying attention to the person who is in the same room with them? It isn't that big of a deal if we're just hanging around at home, someone doing laundry, the other working on their car or something, occasionally raiding the fridge, and whatnot. However, why should I stick around for someone to hold a private communication with another person while I sit there with my thumb up my ass just waiting, when we are out for the evening or scheduled that time to spend with each other? I would speak up and if it does no good, then either leave or ask them to leave.

Marcus said:
However, if someone doesn't want me talking to "her" because that makes them feel insecure... well... that's a different discussion entirely. At that point it isn't a matter of accommodating a preference, it is about my changing my actions to placate their insecurities.
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I agree with you there.
 
nycindie said:
How rude it is to be texting other people all depends on the scenario, I think.
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No doubt. When IV and I are just hanging out it is not strange for each of us to be on our computers or doing whatever (totally ignoring each other) but when we are on a "date", both of us seem to have similar instincts and don't dally on our phones too much. I think most people have a sense of when it is appropriate to ignore someone and when we should be "clocked in". Which is maybe why I find the prospect of someone telling me I need to put my phone down to be an irritating proposition.

Side note: It's funny to see the three of us (IV, CV, and myself) hanging around the house because we are each plugged in to our technology... loving family that we are :p
 
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Hes said:
Hello - I'm new to this and struggling with jealousy. This I what I wanted, but man it feels really hard. Can anyone share agreements you've made with your primary partner about texting other lovers. How much is too much? What about saying goodnight and good morning every day? What about when you are out together at a party? We have made some agreements already, such a no texting in our bedroom. Any thoughts are appreciated. The amount of texting that he is doing feels overwhelming, but I don't want to be controlling. Plus it's new and fun for him. I don't want to take that away. At the same time I want to be gentle with myself as we venture into this new territory. Thanks!
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First of all, I don't play the whole primary-secondary relationship BS. To me, it is rude, and an easy way for someone to feel like second class, or a toy only brought out when someone is bored in the relationship.

We have no rules about texting other people beyond what is just common etiquette. I text or call my boyfriend when ever I feel like it. And vice versa. My boyfriend works a hellish schedule. 6pm to 6 am. I only get to talk with him a bit while he gets up for work. For 15 minutes at 9pm on his first break and for another few texts at midnight. He means as much to me as my husband, so I want to share my day with him and he with me. I have had some serious health issues lately, including trips to the ER, so he keeps close tabs on me lately.
 
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I think it's not a problem to ask for no texting during certain times. Somebody agreeing is not a sure thing. But to me, text is no different than the phone. When I'm on a scheduled date night with my husband, we don't text/phone others during, and if we get a text we don't answer. We tell people to call if it's actually important.

Same goes for my other partners-- if we get texts we mostly ignore them, unless the other person goes off to the bathroom and we have a few minutes to check. If I can't resist, I say "Mind if I check my texts?" And I appreciate the same in return from people I'm with.

I've found since smart phones became common, relaxing and enjoying each other's company has become an issue all over the place, so I'm not big on only having minimal interaction with people, unless we both feel that we are getting what we need from the relationship and relaxed about the split attention.

I find texting MUCH more intrusive than phone calling or email. A phone call will take my partner out of the room - fine. An email or IMing is just typing, but texting, is little annoying bing noises that piss me off when I'm trying to just relax in the same space with somebody, or in the middle of a conversation with them.

I don't really care what other people are saying. If something is disrupting my happy, I will ask about how to keep it from interfering, and negotiate and compromise to find a happy medium if needed. I sure don't consider it "exerting control" to tell a partner I don't want them to text while we are spending time doing an activity together (unless they have kids,or a pregnant partner, or are waiting for news of some sort). But if they want to text all the time, they are welcome to, but I will probably stop spending time with them.

I can't really get the needing to text OMG good morning! OMG good night! to people, but as long as people can wait to do it after we've gotten out of bed, or to do it before we curl up for the night, it's not a bother to me. It would be a bother to me IN bed though, so I'd speak up under those circumstances.
 
texting rules are great

I find its best that texting rules are established. Alot of information can be take out of context via tex...and not by actually texting but by the volume of texting that happens while you are with one of your partners.

Everyone in the relationship deserves to have attention. now obviously there are "good morning good night texts" or how is your day going but setting the rules of no texting other partners while in bed or on a date is definately beneficial.

This way there are no hurt feelings, whether unintentionally hurt or not. Everyone wants an attentive partner.
 
I once went out to dinner with a guy who got FB updates notifications on his phone, every few minutes it would 'bing' when someone posted something inane on his wall or answered on a thread he posted on...and he picked it up every time to read it. Did I tell him off? Damn right I did. At that point I thought he was reading texts. When I found out later it was FB updates I was even more ticked off! It's rude. It has nothing to do with controlling someone. I can't stand it when people are ignoring the person next to them to interact through text with strangers on the bloody internet!
 
It should be common etiquette.

Murf only has small windows in which he can text me. Luckily Butch understand and even if we are out on a date at 9 pm he understands and is ok with me texting with Murf a bit. But then again I do not ignore Butch while I do so. Same thing with our midnight conversations.
 
Agreed. This sounds like control issues.

Our unspoken texting "agreement" is "I'll text who I want, when I want. You'll text who you want, when you want."

As a matter of consideration and mutual respect, it just turns out that "when I/you want" coincides with times that we are not trying to enjoy a nice, intimate moment together. What more does one need?

I'm always amazed at how many people cannot live without their phones. I'm constantly forgetting to charge my phone, or if I do remember to charge it, I usually forget to take it off the charger when I go out. The people in my life have had to learn that just because I own a cell phone doesn't mean it's wired into my head. Call me, I may or may not answer. Text me, I'll probably get back to you within 24 hours. If it's urgent, call me several times in a row so I notice "8 missed calls" and clue in that you're not just calling to shoot the shit.

I'm pretty sure my teenage stepdaughter is literally wired differently. She seems fully capable of having two concurrent conversations, talking to us about one thing and texting who knows what to her friends at the same time, without missing a beat in either conversation.
 
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For us, we set aside an hour a day that is just us, and there is no txting anyone during that time, its something we worked out because we were both feeling ignored. It was a boundary we both needed to set.

Now, we also have an agreement to "check in" about every four hours while we are out with our others, I'm really bad about forgetting, but he is much better, and I'm getting better about it.
Checking in is usually just an I love you, not an actual conversation.

Because we have kids, and a newborn, I do check any txt I get from him, bc it could be an emergency, but I just reply to let him know I got it and then thats it. We had to do this because we were fighting through txt while I was with H and H was upset that our limited time was being interrupted by a conversation that upset me.

H on the other hand, answers every txt, but he rarely has conversations while we are together, and he will ignore them short term if we are being intimate. I have no issues with it.
 
riftara said:
Because we have kids, and a newborn, I do check any txt I get from him, bc it could be an emergency, but I just reply to let him know I got it and then thats it.
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Out of curiosity, wouldn't a phone call be more appropriate for an emergency? If my kid was in "emergency" trouble, I wouldn't want to be sitting around waiting to see if co-parent got my text or not, I'd want them on the phone NOW.
 
Etiquette

Like in my earlier reply, you need etiquette when with a partner. The wife and I realized it big time during sex there should be no texting. She thought it would be cute to be texting and sending pics with the gf in the middle of us fooling around. It pretty much shut me down and I lost my drive, due to me trying to figure out where her head was. We talked about it later, and that's when knew there had to be an expectation with talking or texting while on a date or in the middle of being intimate.
 
Texting while fucking! I can't believe you people!
 
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