Inyourendo
New member
Maybe I'm wrong to feel its incredibly inappropriate for dajay to come on here and take over her thread?
This is not working out
- Thread starter LadySFI
- Start date
SNeacail
New member
If it was in the blog section I might agree. Here it was completely on topic - he didn't "take it over", but offered additional information and viewpoints.
What do you tell your son about the separation? You could both tell him the truth, but simply.
"Mom and Dad are having a trial separation. We are trying to learn how to get along better. We each love you lots. Do you have other questions? We could talk if you like."
And be okay saying, "That's a good question. I don't know how to answer that right now."
I see that you are lonely. Try to get out and make friends. Figure out what the next thing is at the military rec center. Take the kid out to ping pong or swim or whatever. Meet other families out to play.
I am glad that you like the therapist you have better than the old one.
If you like the idea of a four-bedroom house and can afford it, get it for you and your son. You have to live somewhere once you get out of the military.
I know some of it sucks. Loneliness sucks. But you could focus on what you want to have next, rather than what you don't have right now.
Move what you can forward at this time. And what you can't yet, wait until such time that you can move it a little bit along further then.
You cannot get through this faster than the time that it takes. It just takes the time that it is going to take.
You can do this. Hang in there.
"Mom and Dad are having a trial separation. We are trying to learn how to get along better. We each love you lots. Do you have other questions? We could talk if you like."
And be okay saying, "That's a good question. I don't know how to answer that right now."
I see that you are lonely. Try to get out and make friends. Figure out what the next thing is at the military rec center. Take the kid out to ping pong or swim or whatever. Meet other families out to play.
I am glad that you like the therapist you have better than the old one.
If you like the idea of a four-bedroom house and can afford it, get it for you and your son. You have to live somewhere once you get out of the military.
I know some of it sucks. Loneliness sucks. But you could focus on what you want to have next, rather than what you don't have right now.
Move what you can forward at this time. And what you can't yet, wait until such time that you can move it a little bit along further then.
You cannot get through this faster than the time that it takes. It just takes the time that it is going to take.
You can do this. Hang in there.
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LovingRadiance
Active member
Your son definitely needs honesty, because he's a person too. But I would make the effort to have the conversation together. all three of you, not just you and him. He needs to hear his mom's words.
Also keep in mind that it's quite feasible she will want her son with her part of the time, once you are all in the same town again.
When we are working on issues within ourselves, especially when we realize we are making progress, there is a temptation to jump on the "it's better now" train. It's important to remember that currently you aren't dealing with the triggers you had before when she was at home. That is going to make it easier to not behave in the same abusive manner. But if you live together again, those triggers will return. I don't say this as a reason not to resume a full relationship. I say it as a word of warning.
Maca and I lived apart also. It was frustrating. I had the kids and little free time. He was lonely. It was tempting to cut short our separation because we did miss each other. But we really needed that time to work on our individual shit and become strong in our new behaviors, strong enough to stick with them when the shit hit the fan (which it does and will).
You are working with the therapist. Can I ask, have you asked the therapist what they think you are ready for?
I know in AA and the like, they suggest not resuming or starting a new relationship for at least a year. A friend of mine who has 20 years in the program says "Not until you are solid through step 9, which could take several years."
You need to work on socializing. You keep bringing up the alone factor. You need to change that detail by going and making friends, which can be done with a child in tow. I know because I have 4 children and helped raise 2 more, full time in my home. With 7 children in tow, I managed to get out and socialize.
You won't be able to make the marriage work if you don't resolve that, because she isn't going to be with you 100% of the time ever again.
So what do you need to help you with moving forward in that direction? I recently posted on here (in a different thread) a list of ideas for things to do with a young child to get you out of the doldrums of being stuck at home because another poster asked about it.
What would help you to do that?
(As for the thread, as the OP hasn't expressed any upset over this thread continuing, I see no reason for any of us to. She said plenty clearly that she loves this man and wants to resolve things, but she was at a point where she needed to step away for her well-being. So I would think she would appreciate seeing that others are giving him advice that supports her needs, and his.)
Also keep in mind that it's quite feasible she will want her son with her part of the time, once you are all in the same town again.
When we are working on issues within ourselves, especially when we realize we are making progress, there is a temptation to jump on the "it's better now" train. It's important to remember that currently you aren't dealing with the triggers you had before when she was at home. That is going to make it easier to not behave in the same abusive manner. But if you live together again, those triggers will return. I don't say this as a reason not to resume a full relationship. I say it as a word of warning.
Maca and I lived apart also. It was frustrating. I had the kids and little free time. He was lonely. It was tempting to cut short our separation because we did miss each other. But we really needed that time to work on our individual shit and become strong in our new behaviors, strong enough to stick with them when the shit hit the fan (which it does and will).
You are working with the therapist. Can I ask, have you asked the therapist what they think you are ready for?
I know in AA and the like, they suggest not resuming or starting a new relationship for at least a year. A friend of mine who has 20 years in the program says "Not until you are solid through step 9, which could take several years."
You need to work on socializing. You keep bringing up the alone factor. You need to change that detail by going and making friends, which can be done with a child in tow. I know because I have 4 children and helped raise 2 more, full time in my home. With 7 children in tow, I managed to get out and socialize.
You won't be able to make the marriage work if you don't resolve that, because she isn't going to be with you 100% of the time ever again.
So what do you need to help you with moving forward in that direction? I recently posted on here (in a different thread) a list of ideas for things to do with a young child to get you out of the doldrums of being stuck at home because another poster asked about it.
What would help you to do that?
(As for the thread, as the OP hasn't expressed any upset over this thread continuing, I see no reason for any of us to. She said plenty clearly that she loves this man and wants to resolve things, but she was at a point where she needed to step away for her well-being. So I would think she would appreciate seeing that others are giving him advice that supports her needs, and his.)
Dejaye74,
It's good to hear you're making improvements in your life.
It sucks that you're sulking.
Figure out what you want. Wanting your wife (separated) to be happy is great. If that's all you want, then ask your wife if she wants a pet. That's harsh.
Do you have your own goals, your own interests, things you want to do, things that are important to you, things that your wife (separated) takes second place to? It sounds selfish, but it's not.
If you're worried about your own needs not being met in the relationship, it's not your wife's responsibility to make you feel wanted, or appreciated. Unless she wants a pet. Doesn't sound like it. That's stuff you gotta find in yourself.
You have to find appreciation for yourself, instead of being dependent on your wife (separated) to make you feel appreciated.
What are you doing that you're proud of, an accomplishment, something that you can make progress in, and see the progress? It could be be as large as a boat or rebuilding a vehicle. It could be learning a new language (including computer languages), starting a business, finding a hobby, seeing your son smile at you as he knows you have his back. Whatever it is, it's something you know you're doing and accomplishing, regardless of what anyone else has to say or do about it.
Not that it's all right to snap on people who get in the way, but it gives you something you are accomplishing. Think of it more as an exercise in self-worth. What's the last thing you've done that you were satisfied to finish?
If you've made the last 13 years of your life trying to show your wife that you are responsible for her happiness, and that's your accomplishment, as if she isn't able to learn to be happy on her own, I can see that building some resentment. If you're upset that you've put in all that work and you're seeing her walk away without you getting anything in return for all your hard work, I can see feeling a profound loss that you're not getting what you feel you deserve.
Be happy for your wife, but don't be responsible for her happiness.
Be happy for yourself, find yourself, tell everyone who gets in the way of you being happy... tell them all off.
Find your own worth, by your standards that say you're worth it.
Let your wife live her life.
Live your own life.
Sure, you want your lives to be together, but that's two people who are living together, not two people who are trying to pretend to be one person.
So if you're lonely, knock it off. Quit being lonely. Make yourself busy. Find value and accomplishment in your own life for what you've done, not because your wife was proud of you.
And for your physical needs, there's porn, and lots of it, so you'll never get bored.
It's good to hear you're making improvements in your life.
It sucks that you're sulking.
Figure out what you want. Wanting your wife (separated) to be happy is great. If that's all you want, then ask your wife if she wants a pet. That's harsh.
Do you have your own goals, your own interests, things you want to do, things that are important to you, things that your wife (separated) takes second place to? It sounds selfish, but it's not.
If you're worried about your own needs not being met in the relationship, it's not your wife's responsibility to make you feel wanted, or appreciated. Unless she wants a pet. Doesn't sound like it. That's stuff you gotta find in yourself.
You have to find appreciation for yourself, instead of being dependent on your wife (separated) to make you feel appreciated.
What are you doing that you're proud of, an accomplishment, something that you can make progress in, and see the progress? It could be be as large as a boat or rebuilding a vehicle. It could be learning a new language (including computer languages), starting a business, finding a hobby, seeing your son smile at you as he knows you have his back. Whatever it is, it's something you know you're doing and accomplishing, regardless of what anyone else has to say or do about it.
Not that it's all right to snap on people who get in the way, but it gives you something you are accomplishing. Think of it more as an exercise in self-worth. What's the last thing you've done that you were satisfied to finish?
If you've made the last 13 years of your life trying to show your wife that you are responsible for her happiness, and that's your accomplishment, as if she isn't able to learn to be happy on her own, I can see that building some resentment. If you're upset that you've put in all that work and you're seeing her walk away without you getting anything in return for all your hard work, I can see feeling a profound loss that you're not getting what you feel you deserve.
Be happy for your wife, but don't be responsible for her happiness.
Be happy for yourself, find yourself, tell everyone who gets in the way of you being happy... tell them all off.
Find your own worth, by your standards that say you're worth it.
Let your wife live her life.
Live your own life.
Sure, you want your lives to be together, but that's two people who are living together, not two people who are trying to pretend to be one person.
So if you're lonely, knock it off. Quit being lonely. Make yourself busy. Find value and accomplishment in your own life for what you've done, not because your wife was proud of you.
And for your physical needs, there's porn, and lots of it, so you'll never get bored.
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DaJaye74
New member
Done and divorcing
I have done all I could. She is happier with her new boy toy than with her family. I have our son. She gets to keep on living like she has no responsibility. I will raise our son, give him the stability he needs while she lives out her dreams. I am a good father and will continue to be. She has lost/given up on a man who not only adores her but has made major sacrifices for her. Let's see if the new boy toy is willing to do the same.
I have done all I could. She is happier with her new boy toy than with her family. I have our son. She gets to keep on living like she has no responsibility. I will raise our son, give him the stability he needs while she lives out her dreams. I am a good father and will continue to be. She has lost/given up on a man who not only adores her but has made major sacrifices for her. Let's see if the new boy toy is willing to do the same.
FullofLove1052
New member
Well, take some time for yourself and heal. Continue taking care of your son. It is good that one of you is not shirking responsibility because that is not what your son deserves. Either way it goes, I wish you all well and I hope your son adjusts to the changes. I hope that the two of you are civil for his sake.
Are you planning on seeking custody? Have you and she, or just one of you, talked to your son and told him what is going on? If not, he needs to be brought into the loop. His feelings do matter, and divorce can be hard. Ideally, if it is a peaceful transition, the effects may not be so bad. However, if he sees the two of you arguing and at each other's throats, it could scar him. Try not to say anything negative about her or her boyfriend in front of him. Children are very impressionable, and the last thing you want is to alienate him from his mother or give him a reason to resent her. Try to limit your contact with her because your feelings are raw.
Maybe one day you and your soon-to-be ex wife can be friends and you will find someone who will love you the way you loved her. Hugs.
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I'm sorry to hear that.
For all your sakes, I hope the divorce process is fair, smooth, and quick. Then all of you can move on toward healing and creating a new healthy life.
Hang in there. Being in the middle of a big life transition is challenging. Make sure that as you take appropriate care of yourself and your son you also remember do all your appropriate stress-relieving things along the way for just YOU.
In the "busy-busy" of things like bills, divorce paperwork, splitting up possessions, etc., it is very easy to forget to schedule time out for a walk, to just breathe, rest, etc.
For all your sakes, I hope the divorce process is fair, smooth, and quick. Then all of you can move on toward healing and creating a new healthy life.
Hang in there. Being in the middle of a big life transition is challenging. Make sure that as you take appropriate care of yourself and your son you also remember do all your appropriate stress-relieving things along the way for just YOU.
In the "busy-busy" of things like bills, divorce paperwork, splitting up possessions, etc., it is very easy to forget to schedule time out for a walk, to just breathe, rest, etc.
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Inyourendo
New member
What is a boy toy?
You've never heard the term? Generally, it's a man younger than a woman, whom she is in a relationship with. Others look askance and assume she is just using him for sex. I think DaJaye here is using it in a derogatory fashion.
BTW, I do not think the wife is "shirking responsibility." Her going away to school was a mutually agreed-upon decision. I am sure she had plenty of child care duties while DJ was deployed in the military. Now she has a responsibility to get an advanced degree. She's not just off lying on a beach somewhere. She is working hard.
She's got a bf who treats her well (at least so far). It must be a huge relief after years with an emotionally-abusing husband who thinks he is "making" her happy. DJ is on board with her having this bf. She is not cheating. He even likes the guy!
DJ, I am glad you found a therapist you like and feel you are making progress. If you are lonely, get a sitter and go out. Make a few friends at least! Join a hobby group. (Have you ever had a hobby?)
Even if you're in no emotional shape to find a female lover, or think it isn't practical now, a few platonic friends to hang out with would assuage your loneliness to a degree. (Of course, there is the chance you are so unpleasant to be around, people aren't interested in being your friend, I guess.)
You've got your work cut out for you! I wish you well as you make your changes.
FullofLove1052
New member
I said that I would not do it. Personally, it would feel like I was shirking responsibility. Bit of projection.
Sorry, OP. It would make me feel bad.
I am happy she is furthering her education. I would have chosen to do it another way, like via hybrid or distance learning. Just my choice and my way of doing things. It is no reflection on the OP. I do hope she completes her degree and that she is able to advance in her chosen career path. There is nothing wrong with what she is doing, but I am sure her child misses her.
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