Feeling like I'm the only one trying, need advice

[spiderlady]

I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one trying in this relationship.

I’m poly. He’s, well the idea of an open FWB-type relationships are fine with him. He has no problem with me having sex with other guys, but you add emotions to the equation and he freaks the fuck out.

He was hurt badly, emotionally, most of his life, by family, and by his most recent (11 fucking years ago) ex. I get that, but damn it! I’m not her, nor am I like his family.

We had always (since the beginning of our relationship) talked about adding either a female or another couple to our relationship. We even talked about how we don’t want to be like my mother and stepfather and just fuck random people, that we’d like to be friends first. So without blatantly stating it, I thought we were on the same page of polyamory. No. We weren’t. Oh god, we weren’t.

He was of the mindset of FWB/swingers (which is exactly like my mother) and I was of polyamory mindset.

After talks and talk and talks, we both concluded we had major miscommunication. Ok, good… semi-same page now.

Now most of this came to a head back in March of this year. Since then, I’ve done research on top of research, and just for a change of pace, some more research. He's done none, except for the past two weeks, where he spent maybe a total of two hours on research. We don’t talk about it unless I bring it up.

I’m starting to hate him a bit for sticking his head in the sand. I understand he works full time, and goes to school full time. But the last two weeks, he was on break at school. So he wasn’t as brain dead. We could have TALKED ABOUT IT! But did we? Only when I brought it up.

I’m tried of being the only one trying. I told him, there’s no one on the sidelines that I’m waiting for. I just need communication about polyamory, to know that he’s thinking about it, that he’s trying to understand me.

He’s said before that he wants to know me; that he feels I’m changing. No, I’m not really changing, I’m just realizing what I want/need, and I’m making him see it, as well.

I need him to try. I’m tired of play-acting like everything is okay.

 

[Marcus]

Don't hold back, we can take it!!

I need him to try. I’m tired of play-acting like everything is okay.

So you guys started out "opening up" your relationship. You had a more love/relationship-centric approach in mind, but he only saw himself getting to have some threesomes with hot girl-on-girl action.

You do some reading and realize, "Holy crap, I think I'm polyamorous."

So what is it you need him to try to do? Read about polyamory? Is that the problem you're having?

While it's good to vent, it is also good to take a deep breath and actually communicate what is going on if you want people to give you input on it. You sound irrationally pissed off. I suggest you dial that way down if you actually intend on addressing this situation with anything but a claw hammer.

 

[spiderlady]

So what is it you need him to try to do? Read about polyamory? Is that the problem you're having?

That, and just trying to understand where I'm coming from, I guess. We've been talking/arguing about this since the beginning of the year (nine months!), with me always bringing it up. I wait and wait for him to say, "Hey, I read this and I'd like to talk about it." But if and when he reads something, (I bought Opening Up for the both of us to read), if it doesn't pertain exactly to us, he disregards it.

He has such a tight rein on his emotions that he's not willing to talk about them.

 

[Marcus]

That, and just trying to understand where I'm coming from, I guess. We've been talking/arguing about this since the beginning of the year, with me always bringing it up. I wait and wait for him to say "hey, I read this and I'd like to talk about it." But if and when he reads something, (I bought Opening Up for the both of us to read), if it doesn't pertain exactly to us, he disregards it.

He has such a tight rein on his emotions that he's not willing to talk about them.

You are simply identifying that he has less interest in research and discussion than you do. I'm going to stretch way out on a limb here and say that this is not the fundamental issue you are dealing with.

What is the actual issue you want dealt with that he is ignoring?

1. You have a research fetish and it gets you hot when people quote articles to you.​

2. You are dying to hear him "bring up" to you that he won't open the relationship, because that's stupid.​

3. You want him to realize that deep down he is polyamorous, and open himself up to the awesome beauty of your reality.​

If you were able to design your own world, what would the very next interaction with him look like? How would it end? What would be accomplished? You are looking for something in particular. What is it?

 

[spiderlady]

I want communication, really. If I'm the only one bringing it up, it no longer feels like we're talking together.

If he would honestly say, "I thought I could do this, but I can't because of X, Y, and Z" and gave me time to grieve, I believe I could become okay with being monogamous.

 

[bookbug]

I want communication, really. If I'm the only one bringing it up, it no longer feels like we're talking together.

If he would honestly say, "I thought I could do this, but I can't because of X, Y, and Z," and gave me time to grieve, I believe I could become okay with being monogamous.

I think I hear you saying that because of his lack of communication on this subject you feel alone.

How does he do with communication on less emotionally-charged subjects? Is there an issue with communication itself?

 

[Marcus]

I want communication, really. If I'm the only one bringing it up, it no longer feels like we're talking together.

He has clearly demonstrated to you that he is not prone to bringing up these topics to you. It could be because he's naturally shy and just doesn't do that. It could be that he is recoiling from your rather fierce intensity on the topics.

You are being irrational in assuming that he should bring up topics to you which you want to discuss. You are the one who wants to discuss it, so why shouldn't you be the one to bring it up? If he wanted to discuss it, I presume he would bring it up, no?

I strongly suggest you identify your need for him to bring up a topic as useless baggage and move on with your life. You are only causing damage to your relationship with it. If you want to talk about something, then bring it up (calmly, gently, and with your audience in mind).

 

[spiderlady]

I think I hear you saying that because of his lack of communication on this subject you feel alone.

How does he do with communication on less emotionally charged subjects? Is there an issue with communication itself?

We don't really talk about anything, I guess. Work (I have to ask, "How was work?" or, "The guys do anything funny today?") or the kids, both of which I bring up. He comes home and zones. Even on the weekends, when he has no work, he zones. If I don't start the conversations, I feel like we wouldn't talk at all. And right now, he's pretty much my only adult face-to-face conversational partner. We live in the middle of nowhere, I don't drive, and I'm a SAHM, with a 2.5-year old and older ones in school.

But yes, bookbug, you hit the nail on the head, I believe.

 

[bookbug]

We don't really talk about anything... He comes home and zones. Even on the weekend when he has no work, he zones. If I don't start the conversations, I feel like we wouldn't talk at all.

And right now, he's pretty much my only adult face-to-face conversational partner. We live in the middle of nowhere, I don't drive, and I'm a SAHM, with a 2.5-year old and older ones in school.

But yes, bookbug, you hit the nail on the head, I believe.

I would suggest that your isolation is problematic too. Your husband is out and around people all day, and is ready to "zone" when he gets home; whereas you are starved for communication. Is there any way to address your isolation?

 

[Marcus]

He's pretty much my only conversational partner. We live in the middle of nowhere, I don't drive, and I'm a SAHM.

I dated a girl a year ago who had a high need for interaction and a low need for alone time. I have a high need for alone time and a low need for interaction. For the first year of our relationship, she worked at home and I went into the office. I would come home and she would be like a dog who missed its master, engaging me on every possible topic, prompting me to talk to her about work... It was killing me. I actually dreaded coming home because I knew I would need to engage her and I just needed to recharge.

While that particular relationship didn't last for a myriad of reasons, we did come to one compromise which was helpful. I told her that I needed to decompress when I came home, and that if she would give me an hour of peace after I came home, I would be much more likely to join her in some of her energy level. It worked well enough, I felt less like she was draining the life out of me, and she had a "schedule" for her anxiety.

It isn't easy for a high social need person to mesh with a low social need person, but I am guessing it's possible. Maybe you could start looking at it as this kind of dynamic. Find some simple compromise which gives both of you some comfort.

More importantly, GET AN OUTLET. This guy is eventually going to go postal on his office if he has to be your only social outlet. I'm being serious here. Go way out of your way to find a healthy outlet for your social needs.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are struggling.

You seem to have several things going on there. You seem isolated and lonely in your environmental health and social health.

Are you willing to learn to drive? Is he willing to teach you or can you take lessons? Can you get out during the day by bus or other method to make friends and volunteer and get involved somewhere? You sound kind of... cabin fever-y.

I just need communication about poly. To know that he’s thinking about it, that he’s trying to understand me.

I would reframe it as...

"I need to be understood. I would like him to demonstrate that he is trying to understand me by engaging in conversation with me, take an interest in my day, my life, the things I want to talk about, like poly. SEE me. Take an interest in maintaining our relationship by participating in it, rather than seeming to take it/me for granted."​

You seem to crave mental intimacy and stimulus, and sound lonely in your marriage. Could it be something of the mono-poly wanting to be understood thing as well as "general" loneliness and SAHM cabin fever?

If he would honestly say, "I thought I could do this, but I can't because of X, Y, and Z" and gave me time to grieve, I believe I could become ok with being mono.

Are you willing to just ask him all that, so you can stop being at this place of suffering? So you can process grief and then arrive at a better space, where you are ok with being polyamorous in a mono-ship?

Maybe something like...

"You seem like you are at this place -- 'I thought I could do this, but I find I cannot.' ​

​

Would you be willing to tell me if you are at that place? Are you willing/able to tell me why you might be at that place so I can understand you? ​

​

I believe I could be okay with being a polyamorous person in a monogamous relationship if I understood you and where you are coming from. I crave close connection with you, and would like you to be willing to open up to me. Are you willing to open up to me?"​

You seem lonely for emotional intimacy, the sharing of feelings with each other.

A lack of connection/intimacy in your environmental/social health, mental health, emotional health is dinging your in your spiritual health. You seem like you are in poor spirits.

Is that where you are at?

You seem to be denying yourself healing because...? You don't want to have to be the one to start the ball rolling? Something else?

You seem resentful toward him that "He denies me healing because he does not mind-read my want for him to say it first." Your attitude seems to be "Just say it, so I can start to heal!"

You know you could start to heal whenever you want, right? He doesn't have to say anything. It isn't him holding you back. You are responsible for your own health and well-being. He could help support you in that as your partner, if that is your shared agreement for marriage, but you are the one ultimately responsible for that.

Or is this about this sentence and fearfulness?

"I believe I could become okay with being monogamous."

Could you be avoiding initiating that conversation yourself because you are afraid you might find out: "It turns out I am not okay being polyamorous in a mono relationship, and now I have to deal with that discovery"?

So rather than you helping to move it forward, you help keep it "in the stuck" by blaming him, because he seems to avoid other issues, so it is handy to dump all the avoidance on his plate?

Are you both willing to take emotional responsibility for co-creating this situation between you and start moving it forward? You could think about changing to a different conflict resolution style, rather than this avoidance style, to see if that serves you better.

Your own health and well-being, and the health and well-being of your marriage, could take more hit points if you both keep shying away from authentic conversation with each other just because you both have "avoid"-style conflict resolution and are not willing to try something else.

Galagirl

 

[theresnoquestion]

You sound irrationally pissed off. I suggest you dial that way down if you actually intend on addressing this situation with anything but a claw hammer.

Not to jump on the OP's post, but damn, I need someone to remind me of this every single day, lol lol or at least when I'm being impulsive. haha

 

[london]

I think what you need to remember that he isn't wrong for wanting less than polyamory, for wanting a form of ethical non-monogamy that is closer to monogamy because it restricts emotional availability outside of the primary relationship. He doesn't need to change, he doesn't need to evolve, he doesn't need to achieve the poly status. He is just himself, and he doesn't want his wife having other romantic, loving relationships outside of their marriage. That might not be compatible with your long-term needs, and you have to decide whether you want to change what you need, and attempt to be happy with something closer to monogamy, or if you want to end your marriage to pursue polyamorous relationships.

I told her that I needed to decompress when I came home, and if she would give me an hour of peace after I came home, that I would be much more likely to join her in some of her energy level. It worked well enough. I felt less like she was draining the life out of me and she had a "schedule" for her anxiety.

If you see here, Marcus clearly sees his need to not interact with his partner as more important than her need to interact. Now, of course, it's his need, so that is going to be high up in his list of Important Things. But look at what that is actually saying to your partner: "My needs come first." Why couldn't he agree to interact for an hour and then be left in peace? Why must the thing he wants come first? Why must the thing she wants come second? Yes, they reached a compromise, but a compromise that clearly stated that her needs are of less importance, are less relevant and less "right" than his. In truth, neither of them are right or wrong, they are just wholly incompatible.

 

[bookbug]

If you see here, Marcus clearly sees his need to not interact with his partner as more important than her need to interact. Now, of course, it's his need so that is going to be high up in his list of Important Things but look at what that is actually saying to your partner: "my needs come first". Why couldn't he agree to interact for an hour and then be left in peace? Why must the thing he wants come first? Why must the thing she wants come second? Yes, they reached a compromise, but a compromise that clearly stated that her needs are of less importance, are less relevant and less "right" than his. In truth, neither of them are right or wrong, they are just wholly incompatible.

There is a school of thought that indicates if we attend to our own needs first, we are far more effective at attending to others needs - along the line of "put your own oxygen mask on first." I suppose in less than "the plane is about to crash" circumstances, it might be better to look at whose need is most dire, and whether we want our loves to address our need in the most efficient manner available, or if "now" is more important.

Either is a valid answer, but results may vary.

 

[london]

There is a school of thought that indicates if we attend to our own needs first, we are far more effective at attending to other's needs

Yes, and as you sort of said, that's a two-way thing: he might be better at interacting with her in the way she needs after he has alone time, but she also might be better at allowing him alone time after a period of her preferred interaction. If he gave her what she needed first, she might be able to give him alone time more "efficiently", without sitting there sighing and tapping her fingers. If she waited, he might genuinely give her the interaction she needs, rather than sort of feigning it. All of that is totally true. You can just see from the way he phrased it that he thought her need was less important than his, less "right," because he views people who need that sort of thing as "wrong" for needing it.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

If you see here, Marcus clearly sees his need to not interact with his partner as more important than her need to interact. Now, of course, it's his need so that is going to be high up in his list of Important Things but look at what that is actually saying to your partner: "my needs come first". Why couldn't he agree to interact for an hour and then be left in peace? Why must the thing he wants come first? Why must the thing she wants come second? Yes, they reached a compromise, but a compromise that clearly stated that her needs are of less importance, are less relevant and less "right" than his. In truth, neither of them are right or wrong, they are just wholly incompatible.

Oh dear. I gotta get on this. London, all interactions are not founded in a competition. Sometimes (all times, actually) the horse needs to come before the cart. Don't try to run before you walk, etc.

I would ask you to go back to your own above quote and run a little analysis on it. Although, in theory and a perfect world, there would always be perfect balance, i.e., you defer to my needs exactly as much as I defer to yours, this is the real world we're talking about. Sometimes the situation/circumstance is what has to get deferred to, and it may just be that it seems to favor one party or another. But in reality, it's not about a person at all, but the circumstance.

In this case, I'd suspect that being forced into just one more "duty" before having time to decompress from a day's work would result in lackluster results. Nothing genuine. Just going through the motions. Cart before the horse.

Possibly you've never lived an intense enough life to truly understand this. Maybe it's an age/experience thing? Doesn't matter. Point being, please don't think the world is all about me vs you, his vs hers, etc. If only the universe were that simple.

 

[Dirtclustit]

It sounds like

you are tired of being ignored, as if it doesn't matter who brings it up so long as you are able to discuss the things that are important to you. When a partner refuses to discuss topics that are obviously subjects of concern for you, yes you will become agitated from feeling ignored.

Wrong timing is one thing, and when it is -- if you did bring up the subject at an inconvenient time -- you likely wouldn't be frustrated had you been informed that it isn't that he is not willing to discuss the topic, that when he gets home he will be glad to talk about it or an hour after he gets home to give him time to clear his head.

Sometimes people are clueless about how much easier it is to deal with a concern when you know that it will be dealt with later, and some people are passive aggressive manipulators, so you may want to make sure he knows that when you have certain concerns that you need to know that they will be addressed or at least discussed, that if it is not a good time that he will at least let you know when that time will be.

Regardless of whether or not the two are on the same page as to the things in life that you see as important -- as in you don't have to be of the same beliefs -- however you cannot ignore the things that are important to each other because is it not healthy for those you care about, who supposedly also care about you, it is not healthy for their words or behavior to communicate that you are not important, that the your concerns are of no significance because you are insignificant, or in any way "less than" in the overall grand scheme of things.

Yes, timing is everything and life will also have emergencies or just needs to be lived in a way that reflects a system of priorities of importance, but that is a far cry away from ignoring the concerns of a person you are in a loving relationship with, so if it's anything like a Master and puppy relationship you had better understand that your needs will be about as important as the family pet, if not there is going to be an upset woman who wishes to be treated as a person as opposed to a dog

Which is not going to work well for you unless you naturally desire to have your life be lived according to the priorities of your Master

 

[wildflowers]

We don't really talk about anything I guess. Work (I have to ask, "How was work?" or "Did the guys do anything funny today?") or the kids, both of which I bring up. He comes home and zones. Even on the weekend when he has no work, he zones. If I don't start the conversations, I feel like we wouldn't talk at all..

I wonder how much this is the fundamental problem, and talking about polyamory has just become an example of it. Is there a difference in his lack of responsiveness to poly-oriented discussions and to those about other things? Or is it just that poly is what you need to talk about right now, and so that is where you are aware of the lack of responsiveness?

It does sound like developing an additional social/emotional network would be of great benefit to you.

I think it might also help you or him to take a look at these books, and think about where your current manners of communication fit it and how they are affecting you. Also, do you think he actually understands what you are looking for from him? If your needs are very different from his, to what extent does he truly understand yours?

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Princip...man+seven+principles+for+making+marriage+work

http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight...son+emotionally+focused+therapy+hold+me+tight

 

[london]

Oh dear. I've got to get on this.

London, all interactions are not founded in a competition. Sometimes (all times, actually) the horse needs to come before the cart. Don't try to run before you walk, etc.
I would ask you to go back to your own above quote and run a little analysis on it. Although, in theory and a perfect world, there would always be perfect balance, i.e., you defer to my needs exactly as much as I defer to yours, this is the real world we're talking about. And sometimes the situation/circumstance is what has to get deferred to, and it may just be that it seems to favor one party or another. But in reality, it's not about a person at all, but the circumstance.

In this case, I'd suspect that being forced into just one more "duty" before having time to decompress from a day's work would result in lackluster results. Nothing genuine, just going through the motions. Cart before the horse.

Possibly you've never lived an intense enough life to truly understand this. Maybe it's an an age/experience thing. Doesn't matter.
My point being, please don't think the world is all about me vs you, his vs hers, etc. If only the universe were that simple.

Okay. Firstly, I am a single autistic mother of an autistic child, and I was also a midwife in a inner London NHS Hospital, a highly stressful job with many responsibilities and arduous working conditions that I shall hopefully be returning to soon. Hopefully that dispels your attempt at belittling me through offensive condescension. If you read on, you'd see that I made the majority of your post unnecessary in my next post, where I said:

Yes, and as you sort of said, that's a two way thing: he might be better at interacting with her in the way she needs after he has alone time, but she also might be better at allowing him alone time after a period of her preferred interaction. If he gave her what she needed first, she might be able to give him alone time more "efficiently", without sitting there sighing and tapping her fingers. If she waited, he might genuinely give her the interaction she needs rather than sort of feigning it. All of that is totally true.

What I am talking about is that their compromise said that his needs always come first. He chills and then they interact. I am not debating whether his need to chill after work is actually more important than her need to gossip with him. Personally, I agree that it is more important and she should chat with her friends if she feels lonely, but the fact is that their compromise automatically dismissed her needs as secondary to his. The fact that she has been waiting to interact with him all day isn't as vital as the fact that he has been waiting to chill all day. My personal opinion is that is not the best way to reach a successful compromise over the long term.