Why??

I should just be a bitch and end it
Click to expand...

You are not being a bitch. You are at your limit. Everyone has personal limitations.

If he's offering you a change to your shared marriage that you are just not willing to participate in, you can say, "No, thank you. I am not willing to do that."

That is not being a bitch. That is clearly stating your position.

He could process his disappointment like an adult. You both could calmly discuss the appropriate next steps.

But if he's badgering you and haranguing you to do something against your will? Guilting you, pressuring you into it, then he is behaving like an immature jerk. :mad:

That's not you being a bitch! You can choose to terminate this relationship because he does not meet your needs.

What's so great about him that you wanted to be with him, putting 19 years of your own wants/needs on the back burner? :confused:

Again, I am very sorry you are going through this and are angry/resentful. :(

But no, you do not have to polyship against your will. Anyone telling you that you are somehow "less than" for not wanting to do things against your will is a jerk!

If you are thinking of terminating, I suggest a time-out to get a cooler head. Making major life decisions hot-headed is not a good way to go. Maybe you want to talk to a lawyer about how to split effectively.

If you have money in a joint account, you could think about removing half to your own name only, ASAP, so you have guaranteed funds to live on in the "transition" time of a breakup. Some jerks decide to play the "lock you out" game to "punish" you for not doing what they want. They try to close you out of your finances, and then you find you are screwed because you don't have access to your money to hire a lawyer to chase them around in court with! Sad but true. :(
 
Last edited:
PolyinPractice said:
When exactly did he tell you he was poly? More specifically, before or after kids? Because kids are a whole other issue. And, yes, it's much harder to leave someone after that. You have more than yourself to consider.

If he told you after you had kids, well, it's wonderful he came to his self-realization, but if you can't handle it, and need monogamy, I'd say it's his job to suck it up and do what he needs to keep you in the relationship. You shouldn't have children if you're still a child. If he wasn't done growing up before he had a kid, it's his problem now.

On the other hand, if you came into the relationship knowing it was poly, hoping he'd change, thinking that maybe having kids would make him want to just be with you, then I'd say you knew what you were getting into and need to find a way to be happy without making him unhappy.

I never quite understand people in relationships where one person's happiness is dependent on the other person sacrificing theirsm but sometimes the situation just happens.
Click to expand...

After 19 years together, and him first saying, "No, it's just sex," ok, I bent. "No, it's this or that," I bent. Then finally him saying, "I want 2 of you, two primaries," two lives split down the middle, still I bent, until she walked away. And now it's him looking for that other person, while I fight and struggle with jealousy, insecurity, comparing...
 
All the more reason to stop bending! If he doesn't meet your needs for support, nurturing and relating, don't agree to do things you don't want to be doing.

All this stuff that your husband told you about what his polyamory would bring you--

tamlvscarl said:
dingedheart said:
1) happier spouse 2 ) spillover sex 3) a feeling of greater closeness, better communication skills.
Click to expand...
Is there a like button?! Cuz yes that is what I am told is what I get from this type of relationship!
Click to expand...

It is not the relationship shape that brings you this. It is his behavior that brings you this.

That is the stuff of relating. It can be had in a mono shape or in a poly shape. It sounds like he failed to deliver these types of behaviors in monogamy, and like he promised to deliver them in polyamory, and you went along, maybe hoping it would be true, or from fear of losing him, or whatever... And he failed to deliver it again in poly, too. Conclusion--

  • He is not meeting your needs in polyamory.
  • He was not meeting your needs in monogamy.

You, yourself, were not meeting your own wants and needs, either.

What jollies do you get out of continuing to participate in poly or a monogamy with this person in this way? :(

You could start to say "No" to things you don't want to be doing.

You could start to say "Yes" to meeting your own needs. If he cannot meet your needs for companionship/partnership, you could drop him, heal from the breakup, and eventually... open yourself up for seeking the quality of partner you prefer to have and enjoy who will meet your wants and needs in a relationship.

I know that cannot happen in a second. It takes time to achieve. It will take time to process the disappointment and hurt.

Your name seems to be "Tam Loves Carl," so maybe you still love him. But you could decide, any ol' time you want, that you want something different than this. You could decide to love him separate, and out of the line of fire.

You could decide to allow your love for him to belong in the past, and spend your present making changes so you can move on to something different for your future.

You don't have to keep getting dinged. You could decide you don't like it and take steps to change this.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I don't think you're playing the martyr at all. We all reach a point where we've tried to deal with things, we're being pushed too far, we're being told by the person in question that we're being unreasonable (or whatever), and we need someone to talk to about it.

Coming here to talk does not mean you're playing the martyr.

It's a fair question-- what is anyone getting out of sitting home taking care of the kids while their spouse is the one out having fun all the time? And it sounds like this is a very one-sided thing. Do you ever get to go out while he stays with the kids?

Regardless of what anyone else is getting out of it, it sounds like it is not acceptable to you. It sounds like he keeps pushing for more. And it sounds like he doesn't really respect what he's doing to you.

You are well within your rights, if you didn't agree to this going into marriage, to draw a line and say no.
 
(Whoops-- I answered before reading the rest of the thread. I'll leave my comments here, though they've already been partly answered.)

As for the question you ask, my wife asked the same question, and gave the same answer that's been given above: she had someone who saw her for who she really was, and was constantly and happily choosing to be with her. My poly life was "confined" to a small part of our life together, and it wasn't always easy. She felt, for years, that I was having a marriage and someone else on the side, so I was never lonely while she was. And the list goes on.

We talked about it a lot. Things got slowly better.

What did she get when I had a pretty serious crush? Heartache. And I stepped back and didn't go further, because I wanted to know what was going on for her (and for me). Her response? "But I want to be your [...]" and so she decided to be that, and suddenly we were both happier.

And then I fell in love. And I did nothing about it, other than talk to her. You can feel and you can talk, but acting on it is a different thing. I wasn't going to act.

Then she met a woman, and... they... well, it's not so much sparks, but a bond grew, a strong one, and she changed. She arranged for my first night with AM. It was after she had had an evening or two in AM's arms. We are moving ever so slowly toward comfort with our triad, and it's lovely.

What made the change?
- Trust. I had never left her. Also, I trusted her not to abuse my emotions.
- Honesty. I told her what I was feeling without acting on it, she told me what was hard about it.
- Respect. A feeling that I was willing to hold back until I understood what was really bothering her. A feeling that she was willing to explore what was bothering her until she could name it. And the confidence to keep going, because we're just so damn curious about each other.

It sounds like you don't trust him and you're angry. It sounds like you feel like you're constantly being pushed past your limits, and your limits aren't being understood. That sounds really rough. Maybe knowing what you're angry about would clarify things for those of us listening to you, so that we might give you better advice.
 
Last edited:
The OP is very much playing the martyr in, her situation.

* They have the need to be a victim and complain always and relentlessly.
* They take little initiative in trying to fixing any complaint.
* If any problem is solved, but in a different way than what they proposed, the problem still exists, as far as they are concerned.
* If any problem is solved according to their solution, they will find another problem to complain about.
* If any problem is solved, it is because they complained about it.
* They complain about problems that do not concern them in the least.
* They do not appreciate any good things being done.
* They lie and twist facts to prove their point.
* They selectively forget, ignore or avoid any facts that may conflict with their point.
* They resort to name-calling when everything else fails.

I am not saying that the OP is guilty of all of these. But I could see them being applied if we knew the whole story. Right now we are only getting her side. There is also his side.
 
pulliman said:
Her response? "But I wanna be your [...]" and so she decided to be that, and suddenly we were both happier.
Click to expand...

She wanted to be your... what? Your crush? Something else? And how did she decide to become something she hadn't previously been? What changed?
 
WhatHappened said:
She wanted to be your... what? Your crush? Or something else? And how did she decide to become something she hadn't previously been?
Click to expand...

Well, in this case, it was about sex. We kind of laughed that my wife would say "But I wanna be your fuck buddy!" So, what the hell, we tried acting like silly teenagers, and it worked. We had fun.

She didn't really decide to become something she hadn't previously been. She'd listened to me for many years, the mono listening to the poly, and had absorbed some of the ideas and gained an understanding of it. She'd say it wasn't for her, but she at least understood it in me. And then, with AM, she woke up one morning, asking, "Is this what he feels?!" and promptly freaked out that she'd somehow "turned" poly. She hasn't. Nor is she bisexual. She's in love with a woman, but not "wired" to be bi or poly. And no, I don't want to argue about those words with anyone right now. Give us a year and they might use different terminology. Right now, we're still adjusting to something very very new in our lives.

I don't want to write too much more without hijacking the thread, though. The reason I bring it up is that it required a lot of trust, honesty, openness, and respect. And lots of patience. The story takes more than a decade. It sounds like the OP has not had enough trust, honesty, openness, and respect to feel safe. And that's rough.
 
Thank you all for your feedback and honest opinions and advice. I don't know what I am going to do at this point... Talk to my husband, of course, and try to see where we go from here. Again thank you all for being a listening ear. :)
 
I couldn't answer your other questions but I can this

tamlvscarl said:
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
Click to expand...

I don't have enough true poly experiences to answer your OP questions, but I can answer this one, for myself, anyway.

The answer for me would be:

QUESTION 1: Because I truly love my poly partner, and having them in my life in whatever capacity I can means more to me than not having them in my life.

QUESTION 2: You don't "have to suffer so they can be happy." You only need to accept, choose, that you are in this relationship for what it is. Once you truly choose to be in this type of relationship with this type of person, because of the answer to Question 1, then all the suffering ends, because you then are simply doing "what you want" by being with this person.

Now that I think on it... I can answer your other questions, because in the first 2 years of my relationship with my current wife and primary partner I wanted commitment and she wanted to date. After breaking up with her, and realizing my answer to Question 1 (above) I chose to have her in my life as someone I love who is also dating others, which answered Question 2, and thus, I was happy.

Did I still have my moments? Yup. Was it way easier to manage, since it was 100% my choice? Yup. What made it my choice was breaking up with her, and realizing I was happier having her in whatever way she was willing to be with me... so then taking her back as she was.

I hope that lends some perspective. You're not actually struggling with what your partner is doing/not doing. You're struggling against what you have vs what you think you want. Once you realize that you can want what you have, the struggle gets easier or everything ends.

In the end, you either:
- WANT HIM IN YOUR LIFE, BUT STILL WANT HIM TO COMMIT TO ONLY YOU. (can't have it = struggle)
- WISH HE WAS DIFFERENT, CAN'T DEAL WITH IT, AND "HAVE TO" BREAK UP (can't have it = struggle)
- REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU WANT IS NOT HIM, AND BREAK UP (can have what you want = breakthrough!)
- WANT HIM AS HE IS (can have what you want = breakthrough!)
 
Last edited:
drinnt said:
In the end you either:
- WANT HIM IN YOUR LIFE, BUT STILL WANT HIM TO COMMIT TO ONLY YOU (can't have it = struggle)
- WISH HE WAS DIFFERENT, CAN'T DEAL WITH IT AND "HAVE TO" BREAK UP (can't have it = struggle)
- REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU WANT IS NOT HIM, AND BREAK UP (can have what you want = breakthrough!)
- WANT HIM AS HE IS (can have what you want = breakthrough!)
Click to expand...

Well said.
 
It isn't that easy. Yes, obviously I want him in my life. That's why I am still here after struggling constantly with this. It does not make it any easier when he is out meeting new people, having firsts all over again, making new memories, while I am left out. It is easy for two poly people to understand, and two poly people are also getting attention elsewhere, and getting to experience new things and firsts all over again, too. But if you are mono, yes, you get your partner, but you also have to share them and struggle through jealousy, insecurity, etc., with no outlet. He came out as poly to me almost 3 years ago, and it still is not easy for me. But I do want to be with him and that's why I am still here.
 
GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you are upset. :(



Is that is what is being asked of you at this time?

"Are you willing to participate in a polyship with me?"



Only you can answer that for yourself if you are the monoamorous partner in a polyship.

If you are not willing to participate in a polyship because you are monoamorous AND monogamous, you just say "No, thank you. I am not willing to participate in a polyship with you." Could keep it simple.



You only have to do that if you

a) agree to participate in a polyship as a monoamorous person (and you do not have to)
b) Experience those issues in your polyship.




It is totally OK and normal to be monoamorous and have the desire/capacity to love only one adult partner at a time.

It is totally OK to want your relationship shapes to be monogamous and exclusive. There is nothing wrong with wanting that for yourself. Relationships come in all shapes, and you are allowed to like the shape you like best!

But for you to actually have and share that kind of relationship with someone? Your partner also has to want the same thing or it is just not a runner.

Disappointing, but there it is. People wanting different relationship shapes are not compatible.



You don't have to do that.

His happiness coming out of your hide is not a very kind or loving expectation to have.

If he expects this? He is too selfish.

If you expect this? You are too selfless.

Both could think about becoming "self-full" -- where you meet your OWN needs and that of OTHERS in a balanced way. Not all skewed one way or the other.



If in the past you have agreed to participate in a relationship where the expectation is that your own wants/needs are on the back burner, you were not looking out for your own best interests.

You could stop doing that.



If you know already right NOW that it is apples and oranges here? Better to not attempt to polyship. Better to plan a clean split and set each one of you free with a clean slate.

Then you are free to seek a "monoship" with a new partner.

Your ex is free to seek a "polyship" with a new partner.

Neither of you has to experience more UGH than necessary trying to make a fundamentally incompatible thing fly when it just won't fly.

Again, disappointing, but there it is.

Some things in life are not "win or lose" but "which one stinks least?"


The only way I can see a (monoamorous AND monogamous person) working out with a (polyamorous person) is

a) the monoamorous and monogamous person is willing to listen to and share the poly person's thoughts and feelings rather than ignore that side of them. They OPEN UP enough to do that for their spouse so their spouse can be themselves with them.

b) The poly person willingly CLOSES to monogamous shape for their partner in return for that understanding, because they understand their partner needs this for them.

Both "get back" getting to be with each other because they love one another and they have come to a workable compromise where each is putting something in for the other one's benefit. If both are not willing to do that, then it will not fly.



I am curious.

Basically he wants to OPEN the marriage... but only on his side? You resent it ALL or mainly the fact that he wants to keep you CLOSED and you don't get to have those new experiences also?

If it were open on BOTH sides would that change your willingness to participate? Or even THEN you still would not want to be participating in a polyship? I am not clear on where your upset it at -- all of it in general is not for you, or this offer he gives you is not for you?

I do see you are upset though. And again... I am very sorry you are going through this. It does not sound fun. :(

I suggest getting clearer on what is being asked of you, and if it is NOT any kind of yummy cookies for you too? Just say "No, thank you. I am not willing to participate in that offer."

What comes after that? You pick one of these and flesh out the details:

  • He lets go of this want, and you both remain in a monoship together.
  • He presents you with a yummier offer for an open model relationship where there's perks for you too and not just only perks for him. You both agree to stay together, but in a new model. An ethical non-monogamous one.
  • You part ways because of incompatible future goals/wants/needs.

Galagirl
Click to expand...
You are a gold mine of information, and articulate it so well! I loved this reply. Compassionate, clear, and thought provoking.
 
Re (from tamlvscarl):
"It is easy for 2 poly people to understand and 2 poly people are also gtg attention elsewhere and gtg to experience new things and firsts all over again too. But if you are mono, yes you get your partner but you also have to share them and struggle through jealousy, insecurity, etc. with no outlet."
Click to expand...

If you're determined to stay with your partner and not break up, it seems to me like there's only three routes the two of you can go:

  • you convince him to stop practicing polyamory,
  • you find a way to cope with the jealousy and insecurity, and make peace with his continued polyamorous behavior,
  • you fail/decline to cope and make peace, he continues to act polyamorously, and you continue to feel all torn up inside.
The only way I can think of to sidestep all three routes is to break up with him (and I take it that's out of the question).

Sooo ... what are the chances you can convince him to stop acting polyamorously? Have you tried? Would you want to try? If you did try, what was his reaction?

Which of the three routes listed above do you think you have the best shot at? (Hmmm, the third obviously.)

Are you willing to pursue the second route if the first route fails? Do you think that would be worthwhile, healthy, beneficial, etc.? or, is it more important that you stick to your ground, and insist that he be the one to suck it up? (which essentially means banking on the first route.)

The second route, by the way, doesn't necessarily imply you doing all the work. There is a question of whether he can make any compromises (*short of abandoning polyamory altogether*) that would make it easier for you to emotionally accept the polyamory that he does practice. Better still, is there some kind of compromise he can make that would make you feel like you were actually getting something good out of the bargain? I pose this question to you because only you can know what would satisfy you. What would it take? Do you need him to spend (more) special date nights with you? go out less often? take (more) turns tending the kids so you can go out and have some fun (with friends or whatever)? something else? or is it just not gonna be good enough as long as he's seeing anyone else at all?

You mentioned you've been putting your happiness second to his for a long time. What behavior on his part has been making you feel like you have to do that? Is there a way you and he could take turns putting each other's happiness first?

These are some of the things that came to my mind while reading this thread. I can't give you a magic wand to whisk your problems away, but I can offer up my observations in case some of them might help.
 
Well, I can answer your question! See, were were married with three kids before we opened up. I'm the poly one. It took us much time and work to get here. Guess what we both learned? That we both have to work on ourselves.

You keep saying how you always put his happiness first. Why? I mean, I love my husband; I want him happy; but right now we are undoing years of damage, where all I did was sacrifice for this family, and felt like no one cared, that I came last. Well, duh! I let myself come last.

When we first started moving into poly, it was not an ideal situation. I cheated online and it blew up. So then, for a long time, he felt like he wasn't important and had to sacrifice for me. Like I'd leave if I didn't just get all I wanted, other relationships, left alone when I wanted to be left alone, all of that.

Right now, we are working on being healthy. Together. To do that, we have to be healthy individuals. We have to both work on our communication. Not just saying what we want, need and feel, but learning what it is we really want, need and feel. It's not easy at all!

Most of the time people are simple. I feel bad/yucky, so I should stop whatever makes me feel that way! Nope, sorry, gotta figure out why you feel that way, and then what to do about it. It might be talking to our partners and saying that for some reason just the way something is phrased 'feels' badly to us, and a different way is better.

So martyr or not, poly or not, this whole "I've always put his needs/wants first!" is not healthy. That is what you get out of poly. There is nowhere to hide. For either of you. If you really want to work at polyamory (not non-monogamy, not cheating openly), then you both have to do the work to know yourselves and be healthy, to know what you really want and need, and how to express it to each other.
 
I haven't read the entire thread, so I am just responding to the first two posts...

My first thoughts upon reading your questions is that I don't think anyone really benefits from asking, "What am I getting out of my partner having other partners?" I think the better question is more like, "What am I getting out of my relationship with my partner, and what am I putting into it?" In other words, ask yourself, "Am I satisfied in my relationship? Do I feel nurtured, respected, and appreciated by my partner?" And if not, then, why not? What changes need to be made? What should you look for? What should you seek inside yourself? What should you ask your partner for?

The truth is you can have a totally great relationship with someone who is poly and has other partners, or you can have a totally sucky relationship with someone who has other partners. You can have a totally great relationship with someone who is monogamous with you, or you can have a totally sucky relationship with someone who is monogamous with you.

The key factor in whether or not your relationship brings you joy, happiness, and satisfaction is not how many people your partner is involved with. It is how your partner treats and manages their relationship with you, and how you manage your relationship with them. That's it in a nutshell, really.
 
tamlvscarl said:
It does not make it any easier when he is out meeting new people, having firsts all over again, making new memories, while I am left out.
Click to expand...

This makes me feel sad for you. It's a horrible way to feel.

But I wonder why you feel that you can't "have firsts or make new memories"? I know that you don't want other romantic partners, but why does that mean you need to be so isolated?

My partner and I are mono with each other just now, and likely to remain that way for the foreseeable future. That just means that we are not having sex with anybody apart from each other. Both of us meet new people regularly, have new experiences and make new memories. Sometimes we do that together, and sometimes we are doing these things while the other is not there. If the other isn't there, we talk about it when we next see each other.

I hope you feel better about things soon.

IP
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top