Polywog seeks advice-- pushy lover, uneven affection

[fugue]

Apologies for the length of background info, and thank you for indulging me. At the foot are my questions, if you'd rather just skip down to that.

I am new to non-monogamy. I had always wanted to explore it. There's something so thrilling about the freedom to pursue multiple loves, and the few times I've had serious relationships, I've often felt guilty about my wandering eye. I used to think it an indicator that I shouldn't be with someone... More the fool, I! More importantly, I like the idea that relationships don't have to conform to a certain shape, or progression.

My journey begins with wanting to explore ENM about a year ago. I had just got on OKC, ready to explore open dating, when I met The Perfect Guy. He was openly dating at the time, and I told him I was new to it, but I was okay with him seeing other people, for now, while we saw where this was going. Our relationship was fresh, and he was recently out of a very negative mono relationship, so I didn't want us to rush anything.

However, he pushed us toward something serious, monogamous. I wasn't wholly opposed to it; he just wanted things to escalate more quickly. I think he saw in me what I saw in him—a good partner, and the potential for something good, communicative, that lasts. I was hesitant at first. I wanted to take it slow. I'm not very experienced in serious relationships and have intimacy issues. But by the time I was all in, after 2-3 months of being "serious," TPG said he wasn't sure about us and wanted to see other people!

I was heartbroken. I was all in. I adore him, so after a two-month break, I said I wanted to see him again, and that being open might be the better way to start things off. I saw ENM/poly as an adventure we could embark on together, and an opportunity to become more intimate and work on our communication.

We are now dating again, and both seeing other people. Things were going swimmingly until... I realized I am totally in love with him. I've never been in love before, and I suppose I never imagined that when I was, it would be in a non-monogamous context (that is, having to share). More importantly, I'm struggling with the feeling of non-reciprocation, as I am certain he doesn't feel as deeply as I do.

I should preface this by saying I don't consider myself a very jealous person. I've experienced compersion before, but I suppose I did not feel as deeply for those men as I do for TPG. That said, I always imagined, well, not having to share a Partner, once I found one.

We are taking round two of our relationship slow.

He is seeing another girl regularly. She is very kinky, which something I wanted to, want to, and have been exploring with him. I've never been with someone willing to explore kinky sex, or who had been open about their desire to.

I struggled with some jealousy when first I knew about her. It is an adjustment, for sure, my relationship with him going from something serious, closed, intimate to just...dating again, but I've felt pretty okay about it all the past month. After all, I am seeing another guy regularly, myself, and sometimes dating others.

But recently I have been struggling with jealousy in a way that I never have before, a way that affected the time I spent with TPG. I was with him and I consistently thought about her—partly because he often brought her up in conversation. I realized I was comparing, which I know needs to be addressed. So, I asked him not to bring her up unless I asked about her. This is a boundary I thought we were already operating under, which he brought up in our first chat about boundaries, but he didn't remember this, apparently. It was just for the time being, while things are new and I figured out how I felt about this, and learned how to work through the jealousy. I wanted to choose myself how soon and how much I bring her into my life, if at all. At the same time, I do not want to dictate who he can talk about and talk to, as that feels controlling and very negative to me. But he would text her quite often/constantly check his phone when we were together.

In the few times I have seen him since that discussion, he's continued to casually and consistently bring her up in conversations. I have expressed displeasure at this, and have been met with, well, disagreement. He doesn't think I should feel this way, and that it is "unfair" to ask it of him. I understand his sentiments—I know he's caught up in NRE—but at the same time, it feels like he is not respecting my needs, that he is trying to wear me down, and force the pace of this relationship, again, to his desired conclusion. Before, it was something serious a lot sooner than either of us were ready for. Now, I think his ideal is a situation where the three of us all hang out & have sex together!

This is something that's not completely out of the cards for me. However, feeling the way I feel right now—less important than her, and that my feelings and desires are not being respected—it will take some time and (dare I say it?) work in order for me to get there. I also want it to feel like it's my choice, not his, or hers.

It's TPG's pushiness that has my mind and heart in knots right now. If we are going to work as a poly couple, it's my understanding that feelings such as mine must be met with compassion and worked through together. Instead, I feel like he is unwilling to put in the effort to help me through this. I don't think I am being unreasonable to ask that for a certain amount of time, I get his full focus during our time together.

At worst, his ignoring my wishes makes me feel like he doesn't care at all, and that our relationship is expendable. I get the feeling that if it's too "hard", he'll just break up with me again. It makes me question his style of "poly." It makes me wonder if it's really just about the sex for him. It makes me doubt that he is, in fact, The Perfect Guy.

The above is me being cynical. I know he cares for me, I just wonder how deeply. I do care for him immensely, though, and want to see this through. I have a bad habit of bailing on relationships when things get the least bit hard, and I feel in order to honor these feelings I have for him, I ought to put in the effort and not give up just yet. It may be that we are ill-suited to pursue polyamory together, as we are now. But damned if I'll ever say I didn't try.

My questions are these:

• How to go forward (if at all) with a pushy lover?
• What are your methods for having "serious" talks without their being daunting, exhausting, frequent?
• How do you deal with a lover who is resistant to "serious" talks?
• How do you handle uneven affection?
• Has anyone struggled with falling in love for the first time in an ENM context? How did you cope?

Thank you!

 

[PolyinPractice]

Oh, my

When I hear of stories like these, I just get mentally exhausted. Seriously, isn't love supposed to be healing/fun/uplifting? All of those questions just make relationships sound like a painful inevitability. No offense meant. I just can't imagine wanting to stay in that sort of relationship. What makes it worth it for you?

 

[fugue]

When I hear of stories like these, I just get mentally exhausted. Seriously, isn't love supposed to be healing/fun/uplifting?

Gosh, right? It was, when I first realized it, I was struck and so very touched by the beauty of it. There was no mistaking the feeling—and I always wondered how I'd know if I ever was! Pffft. Then I got very caught up in my head thinking about what it means, and is it fair, considering most of his energy is being spent on someone new? He still cares for me, but it's a bit different, now, which is an adjustment. Same for him, I suppose. Love isn't fair, eh? But does that mean I should let go? I'm not so sure, yet.

All of those questions just make relationships sound like a painful inevitability.

My worst fear. haha!

I just can't imagine wanting to stay in that sort of relationship.

None taken. I am reconsidering, after all! It's been a struggle, and it shouldn't be, no? But then, I also think that reforging our relationship requires some difficulty, especially when I'm struggling with dynamics I've never had to face before. I suppose from all the reading I've done about polyamory (happy little researcher, me), one of the things I've really taken to heart is that it's not always easy, in the beginning, when you are learning your poly way-- go slowly, take time, be patient, be open and honest, address all feelings.

I think maybe I've taken this a bit too much to heart. I have overwhelmed this past week with serious discussions, without having processed things fully.

What makes it worth it for you?

Well, not much, recently, considering my struggles, i.e., not feeling respected, specifically. That's the one that smarts the most. That is why I'm reconsidering, frankly. But this past week is not indicative of the relationship on the whole. I tend to focus on the negative when addressing problems (after all, that's where there's work to be done), so I think, from my dearth of exposition, it's easy to dismiss him as a shitty partner for me, and maybe it's just so that we don't work well together as a couple.

However, I could go on about how well we do work as a couple, but for these problems now. Being with him is exhilarating and hilarious. We are so wonderfully similar; we enjoy many of the same things; have thoughtful, theoretical discussions.

We want the same things in a partner, or so I thought. Perhaps we don't want the same things in a relationship right now. I think this is the crux of the issue.

Not to mention, the sex is amazing. I mean, no lie. He is thoughtful, smart as hell and goofy. I just adore him. Getting along isn't the hard part.

I think when it comes down to it, we are both hyper-analytical people, and we tend to put our relationships under the microscope. This can be a good thing for relationship longevity—though not in my experience, as I tend to think my way out of lasting relationships (a habit I am trying to break myself of). He has the opposite issue, where he powers through long after he should have let go (a habit he is trying to break himself of—part of which is why I think polyamory appeals to him, the whole "learning when to let go"). We're both at very interesting crossroads in our lives, in how we deal with relationships, which might be another thing at the heart of our issues.

I am not certain that either of us are poly, or poly-wired, as we are both new to it (though he has slightly more practice), but it is something we both want to explore. I just struggle with it more, I think, in the context of being in love. He does not, or not as deeply as I do. Different levels of love, eh? I wish the English language had more words for these things.

 

[LovingRadiance]

For me, it's critical that my partners respect my needs, which sometimes include temporary boundaries. This became very very clear when (my husband) Maca opted to befriend (not even date) someone who was very pushy and antagonistic about our relationship. She pressed upon him that my needs to not be around her were unfair, even though she didn't want to be around me. She simply wanted the freedom to attend all of our family events. Since I am a SAHM, these all include me, even though many do not include Maca. Maca backed me up, but half-assed, and with quite a lot of attitude.

When my medical issues kicked into full gear, and he suddenly felt a need to back me up 100%, it appeared to her and all outside parties that he simply "gave in" to my wishes against his own. This wasn't the case. But it resulted in a lot of unnecessary drama.

In the time since, we've had many discussions (including my live-in partner GG) about the critical nature of each of us having our shared home be a sanctuary, which means we don't bring others into it who disrupt the peace of any of us.

That said, there are many people who have a much less integrated dating life. I have read many accounts here, and conversed with a number of them regarding how these differences pop up in day-to-day life.

One big difference is that where I expect my partners to help meet my needs and vice versa. Those who are more independent polys tend to feel that each individual is wholly responsible for their own needs, and in that scenario, your request/expectation would be seen as unreasonable.

My impression is that your bf is more independent and of the attitude that he can do what he wants, as he wants, and you do what you want, as you want, and where the line meets, great, but otherwise, it's not your place to dictate his lines.

Obviously, this is based on a tiny fragment you've written here.

If that is the case, your options are to accept and continue, or leave and find someone more interested in working as a team. Ultimately, that is your choice anyway, because the bottom line is that you can't control anyone but yourself. But some people are certainly more prone to working as a team, while others are more "go it alone" types. Polyamory has plenty of both.

 

[bookbug]

Some people are just pushy. Is he pushy about any other things?

My experiences have been more like LovingRadiance's, full integration. That said, it appears to be more rare, and I would say the majority of people that post here keep their relationships separate. I don't mean completely hidden, necessarily, but when when you are on a date, the attention is wholly focused on one another, barring an emergency. I do not blame you for wanting his full attention when you two are together.

Successful polyamory is about nurturing more than one relationship at a time. It means caring for the older relationship, even in the midst of NRE. Granted, some people are better at this than others. Your guy kind of sucks at it.

I wonder if it would be helpful to you if you arranged to meet the other woman? Maybe just the two of you? It could be that after you meet her, see her as a person, that all of your fears would fall away. Hell, he might be pushing her, too.

 

[fugue]

This became clear when Maca opted to befriend (not even date) someone who was very pushy and antagonistic about our relationship. She pressed upon him that my needs to not be around her were unfair, even though she didn't want to be around me. She simply wanted the freedom to attend all of our family events... These all include me, even though many do not include him. Maca backed me up half-assed, and with quite a lot of attitude.

When my medical issues kicked into full gear, and he suddenly felt a need to back me up 100%, it appeared to her and all outside parties that he simply "gave in" to my wishes against his own. This wasn't the case. But it resulted in a lot of unnecessary drama.

Eek! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that! I'm struggling with something similar, with a friend who disagrees with my openness to poly. She is very antagonistic towards my relationship with TPG. Granted, she's taken a step back (by not talking to me at all) when I told her to cool it. People who make assumptions about situations seriously annoy the hell out of me. Props for standing your ground!

One big difference is that where I expect my partners to help meet my needs and vice versa; those who are more independent polys tend to feel that each individual is wholly responsible for their own needs, and in that scenario, your request/expectation would be seen as unreasonable.

My impression is that he is more independent and of the attitude that he can do what he wants, as he wants, and you do what you want, as you want, and where the line meets, great. But otherwise, it's not your place to dictate his lines. If that is the case, your options are to accept and continue, or leave and find someone more interested in working as a team.

I do think he tends to take that stance, historically (in my interactions with him in a mono context, and it's seeming to continue here). At the same time, I think he wants to build inclusive relationships, ideally. He is a radical thinker, and this appeals to him. This is something he'll have to address soon, in that case. However, if he is not interested in forging a team, I will in fact have to move on. That is most assuredly not the kind of poly I'm interested in.

Thank you so much for your input.

 

[fugue]

Some people are just pushy. Is he pushy about any other things?

Not especially, day-to-day, but he can be very domineering in discussion. He's an adept debater, so he can be very difficult to disagree with. I think he just wants me to agree with him. Haha. Funny. But annoying as hell when you don't feel heard.

My experiences have been more like LovingRadiance's, full integration. That said, it appears to be more rare, and I would say the majority of people that post here keep their relationships separate. I don't mean completely hidden, necessarily, but when when you are on a date, the attention is wholly focused on one another, barring an emergency. I do not blame you for wanting his full attention when you two are together.

Yes, I'm not interested in keeping things completely hidden. I find it disingenuous. But full integration is something that both intrigues and daunts me. In theory, it sounds lovely. But it's hard to find the right people, and perhaps difficult to maintain. Rare, as you say. I think it would be something I'd love to do, granted I found the right people. And perhaps I have. Who knows? Time will tell!

And thank you for affirming I am not, in fact, crazy for wanting some focus, at least in the beginning of this.

Successful polyamory is about nurturing more than one relationship at a time. It means caring for the older relationship, even in the midst of NRE. Granted, some people are better at this than others. Your guy kind of sucks at it.

I totally agree.

I wonder if it would be helpful to you to meet the other girl, maybe just the two of you. It could be that after you meet her, see her as a person, all of your fears might fall away. He might be pushing her too.

This is something I definitely want to do in time, granted things work out with all this (that I feel respected again). From what I know and hear about TPG's new girl, I think we would get on rather well. I don't blame her for the issues between TPG & me. Those are troubles stemming from his and my miscommunication.

However, she may have contributed to some degree, as I do know they process together. She has expressed to TPG (and he to me) that she is uncomfortable with me not wanting to know or hear about her, and as such, I believe she has been emphatic about meeting me. And she has not been texting him when he and I are together, knowing I've told TPG that would bother me right now.

There must be some miscommunication here (thank you, Telephone, wonderful game), because that is not how I feel at all. I'm an inherently curious person, there is no way I wouldn't ask questions about her (I already have) or want to meet her, if things were to go on. Perhaps we won't be attracted to one another (TPG hopes so, obviously ), or even get along particularly well, but at the very least I'd want to meet her eventually.

However, what bothers me most about this scenario is, knowing I wasn't ready to meet or hear about her, she was (seemingly) pushy about being acknowledged. I do think it's important for her to feel acknowledged. I do think that should be on my terms, however. Again, this could just be another case of Telephone. All the more reason for us to meet and assuage both our fears.

I talked with TPG, and he brought up my not really having a poly network to process all this with. Hence my reaching out here. Thank you so much for the advice. This thought made me feel very positive about meeting her and talking with her about these things, and all things poly. Granted, I am worried about us being impartial, but I have to trust that we will be honest with one another.

TPG offered to be there as well, but NO, thank you. I think it being just her and me would be ideal. I believe having him there would really throw things off, and perhaps make both of us less candid. He might be pushing her, too, as you said.

 

[london]

Ok, this is what we know:
1) When this guy gets serious, he needs monogamy.
2) He set up the foundations for a serious relationship with you, and then, after some time, decided it wasn't right.
3) You have now started a more casual relationship, which excludes the monogamy he requires for a serious relationship.
4) Like many people, he enjoys discussing his other relationships with his partner(s). He does this despite you saying you don't want to hear about his OSO.

These four things lead me to believe that, either consciously or unconsciously, the threatened loss of your relationship isn't enough to persuade him to sacrifice some of how he wishes to have in his relationships for what makes you comfortable. When you are emotionally invested in a relationship, you are more likely to be willing to compromise, at least temporarily, on the little things, in order to ensure your partner is at least gaining trust, security and all that jazz, especially when the thing they want doesn't affect how you interact with other people, only how you interact with them.

It goes back to what I say about obligation only becoming burdensome when you don't want to fulfill your obligations. He has an obligation to respect your boundaries, and he is clearly shirking that for what is the optimum situation for him. He just isn't that into you.

 

[fugue]

@london: This is indeed what I struggle with, when I say I worry over the meaning of his actions. I ascribe to the whole "they speak louder than words" and whatnot. Words are wind, as they say.

I worry that it is an indication of him, in fact, being not that into me. You may be right. He's often resisted compromise, even before we opened up. This is something that will be coming up in our next convo. I suppose it'll make or break us, because in love as I am, willingness to compromise is something I can't, well, compromise on. One must feel supported and cared for, which I haven't felt this past week, and at a vulnerable part of our relationship.

Much thanks for putting it so plainly—and oh, how well I respond to lists!

 

[london]

I don't think a confession with him is necessarily appropriate. I think what he is trying to do is show you that your relationship is casual, thus super-serious "Where are we going?" talks are off the cards.

 

[Emm]

So, I asked him not to bring her up unless I asked about her, a boundary I thought we were already operating under, which he brought up in our first chat about boundaries. He didn't remember this, apparently.

(snip)

However, in the few times I have seen him since that discussion, he continued to casually and consistently bring her up in conversations. I have expressed displeasure at this, and have been met with well, disagreement. He doesn't think I should feel this way, and that it is "unfair" to ask it of him.

What are the consequences of him overstepping your stated boundary? He may choose to talk about her even though he knows it upsets you, but you're under no obligation to stick around listening. Why not go for a walk around the block or read a book or something when he brings her up? If he wants to spend time with you, then he needs to choose to respect your boundaries, or you won't be there. If there are no consequences, then it's a gate with a rule painted on it, rather than a boundary.

One big difference is that where I expect my partners to help meet my needs and vice versa; those who are more independent polys tend to feel that each individual is wholly responsible for their own needs, and in that scenario, your request/expectation would be seen as unreasonable.

My impression is that he is more independent, and of the attitude that he can do what he wants, as he wants, and you do what you want, as you want, and where the line meets, great. But otherwise, it's not your place to dictate his lines.

I do think he tends to take that stance... At the same time, I think he wants to build inclusive relationships, ideally. He is a radical thinker, and this appeals to him. This is something he'll have to address soon, in that case. However, if he is not interested in forging a team, I will in fact have to move on. That is most assuredly not the kind of poly I'm interested in.

Being wholly responsible for your own needs doesn't mean being a doormat, and in this situation it sounds like he's prioritising his needs over yours and expecting you to do likewise. By refusing to take part in a conversation you want no part of, you're not dictating his lines, you're taking care of your own. If his needs are incompatible, then he can be wholly responsible for them elsewhere.

 

[bookbug]

However, she may have contributed to some degree, as I do know they process together. She has expressed to TPG (and he to me) that she is uncomfortable with me not wanting to know or hear about her...

If the pushing to meet you is something to which she is contributing, look at from her point of view. She already considers you to be "in with the in-crowd," so to speak. You are the one with history with TPG; you are the one he went back to after a break up (must be something special there); and he probably talks to her about you as much as does you to her. She probably fears rejection, or that if you don't like her, then TPG will ultimately choose you, and go questing for a new girl you do like. Texting during your time together sounds like insecurity to me.

 

[Magdlyn]

So many factors here having been addressed by others, I'll just focus on this.

You two haven't known each other all that long. But he's over his NRE for you and is just treating you as the solid gf, waiting in the wings to have sex with any other woman he chooses. What the...?

He wants you to meet his new squeeze, and expresses clearly he hopes for a sexual spark between you girls so he can get his three-way jollies.

I take it he's the Dom in the kink he enjoys? Um, there's this term, dom-ass. A good Dom looks out for the feelings of his sub(s). A bad one just wants to be bossy, and get off, ignoring the feelings of others. Could you trust this guy to not accidentally hurt you, physically or emotionally, in a kink scene, if he can't even respect your wishes for him to talk about New Girl less, and not answer her texts when on a date with you? I doubt it.

I am sure you'd prefer your new love relationship to be more fun and easy. But he's acting like a douche... I know he has good qualities and you love him, but in this so-called poly area, he's got some growing up to do. He's thinking with his dick.

 

[GalaGirl]

I asked him not to bring her up unless I asked about her, a boundary I thought we were already operating under, which he brought up in our first chat about boundaries. He didn't remember this, apparently. However, in the few times I have seen him since that discussion, he continued to casually and consistently bring her up in conversations. I have expressed displeasure at this, and have been met with disagreement. He doesn't think I should feel this way, and that it is "unfair" to ask it of him.

You could remove the focus from your feelings and return to behavior done/not done.

"How is it unfair for me to hold you accountable to a boundary you agreed to uphold?"​

When he tries to change the focus to what you are feeling, it takes the spotlight off him, and his behavior. It's the spotlight game. If we keep moving the spotlight all over, we don't have to shine it on his behavior, do we?

The above is me being cynical. I know he cares for me. I just wonder how deeply.

It's being realistic. You articulated what you wanted very clearly. Several times. His behavior failed to meet agreements and in turn, failed to meet your needs. He might be willing, or not willing at all, and just painting it like he is willing, so he gets what he wants. Only you know. You are there. But it sounds like experience is showing you he is not able to meet your needs. So whether he's really willing or not, he is not able, so you are not getting a "willing and able" partner.

When you get mixed messages between what he says and how he behaves, believe the actions that you can see happening, because you experience those. "Pretty talk" is just words in the air when not backed up by actions.

I have a bad habit of bailing on relationships when things get the least bit hard.

Hard how? Hard to feel? Or hard in skills, like being able to negotiate, and come to a compromise?

In order to honor these feelings I have for him, I ought to put in the effort and not give up just yet. It may be that we are ill-suited to pursue polyamory together, as we are now. But damned if I'll ever say I didn't try.

So what did you decide on as your personal limit for trying? For how long? Until what point? You don't plan to be here forever giving endless second chances, right?

What is the limit for you? Three strikes you're out? Or time-based, like 3 months?

Decide on a limit, so you can honor yourself and your own well-being. Like, "Yep, I gave it my best shot. But he won't play ball with me, so we're done. My long-term health needs me to accept this isn't a runner."

Then you can walk away feeling good about your effort. It wasn't because you weren't holding up your end of the stick, you know? It is limit reached. A relationship takes all people playing ball. Not one person doing it all. One-sided relationships don't last.

How to go forward (if at all) with a pushy lover?

I'm not up for pushy lovers. I expect them to respect my limit. I call them into account direct and up front when lines are crossed. If they can't hack it, and constantly create friction with their inconsiderate/thoughtless behavior? Three strikes you're out.

It saves grief all around.

What are your methods for having "serious" talks without their being daunting, exhausting, frequent?

Agree on a conflict resolution method -- face-to-face, phone, email, whatever it is to be.

I happen to prefer face-to-face, because communication is not only verbal, paraverbal and nonverbal cues can be missed. But sometimes email provides the emotional distance to actually stay on topic without blowing up, so YMMV.

Meet the first time to create an agenda. Make a bullet list with items of areas of concern and group them into common themes. Talk for 1.5 - 2 hrs max, the length of a movie-- that's tolerable to anyone.

Then, in follow-up talks, use the list to stay on track. Keep it on behavior done/not done, needs met/not met.

If someone emotionally floods, take a 20-30 minute time-out, or table it until the next week, depending.

Accept that not all the problems will be solved in one round. Keep talking once a week until it is all talked through. Live your normal life in between. Finish talking, create an action plan, then try the plan out and see if that serves you better. With this method, everyone knows to block out the time in their schedule, and things can move forward bit by bit. And living a normal life in between helps reassure those who need it that no one is bailing here. It just takes time to arrive on some issues.

How do you deal with a lover who is resistant to "serious" talks?

Ask the questions that need asking.

Avoid asking in in "why" terms. Use "what," "how," or "when" instead. E.g., do not ask, "Why don't you want to have serious talks?" but say:

1) Are you willing to have serious talks with me? Yes or no?

• If yes, when is a good time?
• If no, what blocks you? How could it be removed so you can become willing? What could I do to help make it easier for you to become willing?

2) Are you able to have serious talks with me? Yes or no?

• If yes, when is a good time?
• If not, what blocks you? How could it be removed? What can I do to help make it easier for you to become able?

3) How can I help create safe space for you when we talk so that you can openly share what's on your mind?

If the person is just not willing and able, then I have to decide if I can live with that or drop the relationship. Trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole just wears everyone out. If it won't go, it won't go. It's easier to accept it as "limit reached." Then move on to decide if I still want to be there.

How do you handle uneven affection?

• Focus on what YOU need, not what the other guy gets.
• ASK for what you need. Is the hinge willing/able to provide it?

Has anyone struggled with falling in love for the first time in an ENM context? How did you cope?

Falling in love is easy. It requires very little thinking power. It's mostly emotional.

Creating relationship boundaries/structure/agreements so that the people in the relationship can agree on what kind of relationship they share, and how they want to be in it, and how they want to treat each other, so that they thrive together rather than merely survive, dealing in time management, emotional management-- that stuff requires thinking power, interpersonal and intrapersonal skills.

All that said, I see several red flags here, but I'll lift just this one up.

If he cannot respect your simple conversational limit of "Don't talk to me about your other GF unless I ask," and this gives you a headache, a heartache, don't put yourself in a kink scene where you have to depend on him to look out for you or vice versa. Don't kink at all with him! Don't get in a bottom situation where he pushes you beyond your bodily limits, and it costs you damage to your body or your life. Don't get in a top situation where you have to hold your own leash and he's pushing your limit from that side, maybe being a sassy-pants bratty bottom, egging you on, and then unresolved resentments pop up, and you cause him some damage inadvertently.

You haven't been with him long, hon. You don't have to keep going here. If you do decide to go a bit longer, tread carefully.

Galagirl

 

[IndieSolo]

Love ain't enough!

Feeling love for someone is not enough to make a relationship work. There have to be a few other things that bring satisfaction in a relationship. When I am seeing someone, I ask myself:

Is this a lot of drama and work, or is it fun and joyful?
Do I feel respected?
Do I feel valued?
Do I feel heard?

If it's more tough work than joy, and if any of the last three questions are answered with "no," I say it's time to walk and not look back.