New to this and looking for advice

[TorontoFella]

Hey y'all,

I'm in a relationship with a women I've been seeing for a couple of years, who want's to open up our relationship. She has always had a girlfriend since I met her but want's other partners. I've been her primary partner since we began seeing each other. We spend about 5-6 nights a week together at this time.

I'm having a really hard time with this. She says I tolerate her GF but don't accept her. I don't know if I'm made for this, but don't want to lose her. The way I look at it, I have two choices: Agree to exist in an open relationship, take that step and see if I'm built for this, or end this relationship.

I'd like to hear your advice and experiences. I do have trust issues and know this is not helping me/her/us. This decision has been weighing on me for a while and could use some help.

Ty

 

[PolyinPractice]

Yep. Those are your choices. What do you think we're going to tell you, really?

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Ty,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

So what are the issues that are holding you back from accepting an open relationship with this woman? Do you agree that you only tolerate and don't accept her girlfriend? and if so, why do you feel that way?

Looking for more details on your situation so I can give better advice. Poly and open relationships aren't necessarily good for everyone. There's the problem of time distribution, for instance. But I don't know if that's an issue for you. You did say you were her primary partner and spend 5-6 nights a week with her, so it doesn't sound like a time issue to me, it sounds like something else.

Are you happy in this relationship? really happy? the way it is right here and now? What would it take for you to be happy? These are questions you have to answer before you can decide what to do.

I also invite you to read my blog as I, too, share a woman with another partner.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[SchrodingersCat]

I'm having a really hard time with this. She says I tolerate her GF but don't accept her.

Sometimes that's all you can do. As long as you're not standing in her way or asking her to take responsibility for your feelings, it need not be a problem.

The way I look at it, I have two choices: Agree to exist in an open relationship, take that step and see if I'm built for this, or end this relationship.

That about sums it up. You also have the option of requesting that she not add any other people to her romantic life, with the understanding that requests are not demands, and she has every right to refuse your request.

I'd like to hear your advice and experiences. I do have trust issues and know this is not helping me/her/us. This decision has been weighing on me for a while and could use some help.

Trust is a tricky one. It depends on whether the trust issues are innate to yourself, or caused by previous history in this relationship. For example, some people develop trust issues as a result of childhood incidents, or a string of bad relationships, or they're just born untrusting. This is in contrast to a relationship where one partner has previously cheated, and this triggers a trust issue specific to that partner.

You say you "have trust issues" so I'm guessing you fall more into the innate category. In that case, solving these issues will be something you take ownership for. I recommend a good counsellor, someone who's accepting of the poly lifestyle, and try to get to the bottom of the issues and learn what you can do to overcome them. If they're something you have from childhood, then really there's nothing your girlfriend can do to change that.