Truth & Consequences

E

elemental

New member
Hi there. I am Elemental. 44yr old male, straight, recently separated, getting divorced in June. I live in a small cottage community next to a beautiful lake, just outside of a smallish city in the Pacific Northwest. I’ve been in traditional & non-traditional relationships for the past 25 years. I am starting this blog as a cathartic exercise, because I feel it is time to write, to tell my story. To represent my truth as I see it, the good the bad and the ugly. I will be looking at myself, my life, the lives and relationships of my past, present and hopes for the future.

I am trying to make sense of the breakdown of my second marriage, and the emotional fallout from that. I’m not here to be dogmatic, or play the blame game. I want to be as objective as I can, because that seems to be the only way to learn from ones mistakes. I feel that truth is subjective; we all have our version of it. Events are experienced and recollected differently depending on perspective and personal investment. One person’s mild annoyance is another’s catastrophic event.

My event that I will be focusing on is the breakdown of my marriage, and the role poly had in that, the issues having multiple partners brought up in me and my primary partner. I am not looking for feedback, or suggestions, support or help, but feel free to post if what I have to say moves you too. I am open to dialogue and clarification. I’ll also be talking about my current life, dating, and being a non-monogamous man and the people with whom I choose to share my life with. Enjoy the ride with me…
 
Cinder

The main player in this Blog, at least in the early stages, is my soon to be ex-wife, Cinder. I’ll call her Cinder because she is small, and bright. She is hot and can start fires. She certainly did in me, one that has left a large hole burned out of my soul.

In a lot of ways she has been the love of my life, and the woman I had worked hardest for, to be with and make a beautiful life together. She has been the one who has lifted me up, and brought me crashing down. She has become my nemesis. At one time, she was my best friend. I miss her so much sometimes. To see what we have become to each other boggles my mind and at times I can barely make sense of it. I struggle daily with what has become of us, and seek the peace of putting fingers to keys and letting out the pain and the joy of having this woman in my heart, in my life.

We met on Craigslist, casual encounters. We were both looking for a lover, both stuck in sexually unsatisfying relationships. I was married, she was living common law with her fiancé. She had negotiated an open relationship, and I had opened mine faced with a sexless marriage and was confronted with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation. Note to poly newbies! Not a great solution ;)

We corresponded and hit it off, working our way up to meeting, and graduating to weekend hotel sex romps. To say that we had insane chemistry is an understatement. We destroyed many a hotel bed. We were two starving sexual beings that found ourselves in each other, and love and attachment soon followed.

Around this time, my wife snooped my email and read a particularly explicit email from Cinder. Shit got real quick. My marriage was ending. It was going to, anyway, but my relationship with Cinder was the catalyst for it to happen, then and now. Cinder took a break from me as she dealt with fallout from her side of things, and I worked with my wife to formulate an amicable split, which we did. After that, C and I took up again, losing none of our potent intimacy, and soon we were in flaming love again, full bloom.

We moved in together, I moving to be with her in her home, near her family and business. I was eager for relationship, for stability, to put down some roots and build a life together. It was what we both wanted. That was 7 years ago. I was welcomed into her family, at first with a wary eye because of the dramatic circumstances, but soon most of her family warmed up to me. I felt accepted for one of the first times in my life, like I belonged. It was so good.
 
Early times

Or was it? When I look back, there were flags from the start. Cider and I are both kind of alpha, and we butted heads some. We both have strong personalities which lead us to conflict, a lot. I also had anger-management issues which would lead me to be in a heightened state of anxiety, and when I lost my mix I would be prone to angry outbursts, mostly verbal. When things did get a little physical between us, it was a mutual escalation.

I know it had not been easy on my partners to deal with my fiery temperament, and it has been something that has been a lifelong work in progress. But it sure didn’t play well with Cinder's personality challenges, mainly her propensity to be intensely emotional, to the point of catatonic hysteria, crying for hours at a time over things I couldn’t or wasn’t able to help her out of. I tried everything in the early stages, and we worked together to find ways to give each other what we needed, but it didn’t always work, and it wasn’t always easy, far from it.

Now, I know relations aren’t supposed to be easy, but we put in a ton of work. Counselling, anger management, group sessions, couples, talking and processing, all night sometimes. I remember missing work because she had kept me up in a hysterical state that would just get worse and worse, and didn’t have the skills or personality to be able to get her out of it sometimes, most times? And she would just escalate. It was difficult.

Cinder was a pretty controlling and manipulative person to me, more so in the later stages of our relationship after poly was introduced, but in the early going as well. I felt like she at times used her emotional upset to attempt to control me, my behaviour, to get what she wanted. It’s just my perception.

She’d say to me, “If I only said yes all the time, everything would be so easy,” things like that. I ended up capitulating a lot, because it was easier, and I loved her dearly and wanted her to be happy. My love language was acts of service, and I was constantly doing things for her home, her business, her family. I loved it. I had never had a home or a family like this, so warm and expressive with love and support. I did things without thought as to how it could play out later on. And there was always more, more, more. C is a classic over-achiever, to me, very high-functioning type A personality, charismatic, beautiful, smart, sexy. I would have done anything I could for her, for us, for our happiness.

Well, almost anything. I had my own baggage from my previous relationship, and when I felt I was being controlled or manipulated I would resist. Maybe it was residual from being an Anarchist hooligan in my 20s. I certainly didn’t have a lot of societal skills when we met. Lol I barely had a bank account, and C was a master of bureaucracy. She represented so much of what I longed for in life.

So, even in the tough times we made things work, not always smoothly, but to the point three years in we decided to marry. She had let me know pretty early on that marriage was what she wanted. She wanted a life partner with whom to grow old, and that was me. She felt cheated as to meeting me later in her life, that I was her soul mate. She projected so much love into me that I felt it was too good to be true. That turns out to be a sad truth in the present. But I loved her back in the best way I could, in all my fierceness and ability, and tried to match her effort for effort to create a life together.
 
threesomes

So we got married. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I felt like we could really put aside our differences and be each other’s people, accept each other and support each other through anything. It was a great time, and we were in love and now committed to each other legally. It was a very big deal.

We continued on our course together, working on ourselves and our relationship, with varying degrees of success. There was always work to do, house, business, relationship.

Our dynamic continued to be at times fiery, and we at times questioned whether we were right for each other. I had some resentment building from the feelings of being emotionally manipulated into things that were never quite dealt with. The main focus seemed to be me and my issues, and how I could change or be changed to fit better into the relationship structure. I tried so very hard to be someone that, ultimately I am not. It created a lot of turmoil inside me, some of which I could express, and some of which I couldn’t.

Within the first year of being married, Cinder floated the idea of having a threesome. Our sex life had lost some of its zing, and we weren’t having as much as she wanted. I know in hindsight it was the beginning of my discontent with some of the emotional pressure I felt under a lot of the time.

C had bi tendencies, so she began to talk to girlfriends about it to get an opinion about how to proceed. Lo and behold, there were a few volunteers. We decided to pursue it with one in particular, who'd had threesome experience. It was quite the fun time. We even almost lit the bed on fire, literally. ;) Candles not too close to the bed, kids…

It was, well, pretty amazing. We all took to it pretty naturally. Cinder really embraced her bisexuality, and I generally gave the girls the lead and was present when needed. I’m pretty laid back in that way, not the in your face “Get out of the way, we are having a threesome” kind of guy. I respected Cinder's desires to explore her sexual identity.

She and “Curlz” hit it off as girlfriends and hung out a little bit. In fact, Curlz was a part-time employee at her business, which could have been a little awkward. Then, very quickly, I saw Cinder fall in love with Curlz, and invite her to move in. We had off-and-on had roommates in this big house we'd bought, and it just so happened we were in between roomies. So after a month of weekend threesomes, in moved Curlz.

I was kinda stunned by how fast things moved, but just went with it. I liked Curlz, and we had some pretty hot sex, but I was unattached. She was quite a bit younger than I was, and we didn’t have a lot in common. It was what she and Cinder, wanted so I went with it. The dynamic changed pretty quickly, and not for the better. Cinder, I think, has her way in which she wants things to be, just so. And when Curlz ended up being a little messy, or unmotivated, or awkward around handling Cinder's particular emotional wants and needs, first the sex ended, and then the friendship. Curlz moved out after 3 months, and we rarely spoke again.

This was a pattern that played itself out to varying degrees over the next half dozen lovers, as we expanded our sexual forays into including other women, most of which turned into ongoing flings.

The pattern was pretty clear. Cinder would find us lovers, do most of the leg work, communication, email, texting, relationship building. I got kind of jealous, and was feeling like a stunt cock. I didn’t like the being left out of all the fun part about getting to know someone; I wanted more communication, interaction. Cinder was good about sharing everything with me, but still it all flowed through her hands and I felt, well, powerless. I wanted self-determination. I wanted to have the interpersonal relationship to go with the sex.

That was a struggle, and we processed a lot around it. Up to this point it had been okay, but my anxiety and resentment had been building.

Then we met Raven. And everything would soon change.
 
Raven

Raven had answered Cinder's ad on CL looking for a third. She was a student at a major university in a nearby big city. She said that our ad was the best one in WM4W. That was due to Cinder’s talent at writing. She has a flowy prose and a way with words, very sensuous. So we made a date for dinner on one of our forays into the city. Raven was again considerably younger than me, and like Cinder an INTJ. Pretty, in an understated way, a little awkward. We had a lovely meal, and got to know each other a little bit, and at the end of the meal said our good byes. On the drive home C and I talked about Raven, and the path that had lead us to here. We were on the same team, and both loving life, the sex, our marriage, our adventures. We felt on top of our world.

Soon after the girls decided that we would see Raven again, and we started on the path of a sexual relationship together, although this time, it was a little different. Sure, Raven and Cinder had sex, but Raven was also very interested in having sex with me, as much. Most of the girls we had been fucking were in it for their first bi experience.

Raven liked having a lot of kinky sex, being dominated, and roughed up. Cinder and I had experimented a little with this, but I had trouble fully dominating her in our sex play. For me, she was such a dominant personality outside of our sex life, that I had already kind of become submissive to her, and it didn’t sit well inside of me. So I struggled with that. I can remember the three of us fucking away, and Cinder being tired from a long week, and being done, while Raven and I just wanted to keep going. We would all stop, and at that time we all slept together in the same bed. I can remember lying there, heart pounding with desire for someone who was within reach, but that I was not or should not be allowed to touch sexually. It kind of fucked with my head.

At this time, there were still a lot of rules around my interaction with the women we were having sex with. Cinder was at times very insecure. I felt she needed to control access and communication to ease her anxiety of losing me to another woman? I guess that was it. I started to make noise about having more freedom to communicate, and it was a hard slog to get some freedoms in that regard.

Eventually, I had Raven's phone #, with the understanding I would check with Cinder before I had any communication. It was difficult for me. I am much more of a free spirit, and don’t actualise the best version of myself when I feel controlled. I struggled. One day I texted R, “Have a great day, thinking of you," which was out of our usual context. She checked in with Cider to see if indeed she and I could communicate like this in a daily mundane way. Had the rules changed? Apparently not.

This caused a huge shit show of emotions, insecurity, accusations. I had transgressed an agreed-upon boundary and we had to process and negotiate. I remember the sheer anger and intensity which Cinder brought to bear over this act. I had gone against our agreed-upon code of conduct, which created a new round of processing and emotional heavy lifting.

At this time I wish to interject that, yes, I am a boundary pusher. When I feel something is unfair, and I don’t feel that my rights are equal to anyone else’s, even if I agree to a certain something, albeit under a certain emotional duress, I will act upon what I feel is right. It is an undeniable truth in the fabric of my character, for better or worse. Again, it was that bitter bile of resentment at being treated as a second class participant in the adventure.

I resented that I had to have rules governing my conduct, while in my eyes, Cinder got to enjoy all the communication and flirting that she wanted. I felt marginalised to being the doting hubby, who, isn’t he lucky? he gets to fuck two women at the same time. I remember C. explaining to me how lucky I was-- "Did I know any other women who let their husbands have threesomes?" But to me, that wasn’t the point. I wanted to be an equal partner in this. In all things.

It was difficult, but we eventually got there. Our triad was up and running.
 
Triad

So we began seeing each other as a triad, not just a sex threesome. Raven spent more time with us, staying over weekends. The three of us did lots of fun activities, and we started to be ‘out’ in public. There were still lots of agreed-upon rules, and certainly no independent sex or dates yet, although that was discussed as an eventual probability. Things where paced just so, usually to the comfort of Cinder, who was facing a lot of anxiety around seeing me become emotionally connected to another woman initially, even if she enjoyed watching me having sex with them. To me, it was a strange dichotomy, but I loved her and was committed to our life together, so did what I could to rationalise and accept the limitations and rules that where placed upon our situation. Maybe a little too much for my own good.

Over about 4 months our triad connection deepened. Raven spent more and more time at our place, and we had frequent hotel trysts. The sex was great and we all connected in that way. Cinder was smitten with Raven, and did her thing-- falling deeply in love. She was opening all kinds of doors in regards to the future and a life together. I also was developing an attachment and was kind of swept up in the potential of it, but also I am a realist and was more cautious about “making plans”. Cinder wanted to actualize all kinds of plans to include Raven in our life.

For her part Raven found it a little hysterical. Although she was open to the ideas, she found the pace and reality of these possibilities remote. She is much more reserved emotionally, and frankly, I found that refreshing.

Raven and I really hit it off. We connected in a number of ways, and I was drawn to her quiet quirky demeanour. We started to have more chemistry. When Cinder's enthusiasm wasn’t reflected by Raven, cracks started to show. It appeared Raven didn’t have the same connection/chemistry with Cinder. I know this bothered Cinder, and she struggled with my connection to Raven.

It came to a head one day. Raven had been staying with us for a couple of days, and I was off of work, doing odd jobs around the house and doing a local side job. We still hadn’t had independent sex yet, but were moving in that direction, with the pre-requisite processing and emotional turmoil. That was one of the things that irked Raven, Cinder's need to constantly label and process everything, a basic personality difference.

Cinder got up to go to work, leaving R. and mr still in bed together, snuggling. I remember she blew us a kiss as she left, admonishing us to not stay in bed too long. We fooled around a bit, but were good about no sex play. We both respected Cinder's need for control and pacing at that point and were ok with it.

I went about my day, doing little jobs that I loved to do to make our home a home, and worked on the neighbors. I came in for lunch to find Raven still lounging in bed like a lazy ass. I decided to rough her up a bit, get her out of bed, so I stripped down and jumped in and we fooled around a bit, but again, no sexual play. It was at this point when Cinder came home unexpectedly for lunch and found us (still) in bed, and me with a hard on. The shit hit the fan and Cinder lost her mind. It was BAD. She acted like we had been cheating on her. All this stuff came flooding out of her, panic, insecurity, fear, everything. It was a monumental upset. She left the house crying in hysterics, convinced I was going to leave her for Raven. The insanity of it still shocks me, and writing about it makes my stomach turn.

I felt terrible. Raven felt terrible. I tried to tell Cinder what was what, but she was having none of it. When she would get upset, this upset, it seemed the world turned on its axis. Right was wrong, black was white. I found myself completely unprepared to deal with this emotional nuclear bomb that went off. I tried to talk her down, but it seemed the damage was done. Something changed in Cinder that day. I felt it die. Maybe it was the death of innocence. Maybe it was the fantasy she had been constructing around all of us suddenly evaporated. There was much crying and gnashing of teeth.

I felt so bad, like I had betrayed her. Had I? We were doing exactly what we were doing when she left, just hours before. I think we surprised her, and she didn’t like it, not one bit. Maybe that’s why she needed to control so much all the time, to stave off that feeling of helplessness.

Eventually, Cinder regained her composure. The three of us eventually went on a pre-planned trip together. But things were different. Cinder felt betrayed by us, and Raven didn’t or couldn’t deal with C’s emotional needs for constant processing and emotional sharing. There was resentment going both ways between the two of them and I felt caught in the middle. It was pretty obvious to me that we were going to be breaking up. It was only a matter of time. Cinder and Raven started to clash in a very fundamental way. They just had such different ways of dealing with emotion.

When I look back and ask myself what I could have done differently, a couple of things come up. I see Cinder's sense of betrayal coming from a desire to always be my first concern, and for us to always be on the same team, as it were. To always think of her and her needs and comfort first, before all others, including my own, at times. She wanted to know that my interest was always in her, first and foremost.

I failed at that, because that’s not who I am. Cinder needed hierarchy in our poly, and I couldn’t always give it to her. I felt like a failure. But in a lot of ways, that is not how my heart works. I would have never left Cinder for Raven. I was committed to Cinder, but not in the way she needed me to be. I felt like a complete failure because of it. But I was not accepting the fact that Cinder and I had a fundamental difference in the way we viewed poly. I was open to people, and wanted to at least treat people, especially those women we were sleeping with, with respect, dignity, fairness, and at least equality in the ways we interacted, and as far as emotional concerns. Cinder needed hierarchy, that I would drop whatever pretty thing she put in front of me without hesitation. My need to treat these women with a certain equal footing hurt Cinder. I guess she saw it that I didn’t love her as much. We just came at it from a very different place.

When the breakup came, we met one last time, and Raven shared some of her struggles with Cinder, her overbearing “love” and need for control. She named some of her emotional manipulation as such, but these concerns where easily discounted by Cinder as Raven being young and inexperienced. Like, who was she to tell her anything about life? Cinder does operate with a pretty massive superiority complex.

It was a difficult time. Raven's letter to me thanked me for our time together, and said I was a pretty decent dude. We had not had any conflicts, so it was obvious that her lack of feelings for Cinder, and Cinder feeling threatened by our connection were the reasons for the break up. There were some tears and angry words between the two of them, but ultimately we all said goodbye.

I never thought I would see Raven again. Turns out I was wrong.
 
Fast Forward

I need to take a break here from retelling the past, and be in the present. Recounting these events, even just the very beginning of the breakdown of our marriage has been hard on me, bringing up stuff.

I go for long walks with my trusty companion Tomo, in the forest, and along local waterways, and let all the stress and strain go. I have a solid yoga practice that I turn to, that has burned off a lot of sadness and frustration (and given me a chiseled physique, to boot). For those extra-special feelings I’ll shadow box or refresh my Arnise skills. I’m very grounded in my physicality and it has not let me down as an alternative to self-medicating or self-harming.

So where am I at? I have decided to stop running. I have decided to keep building on the friendships and good will that I have worked so hard to build here at the lake. People genuinely like me and my work is well respected. (I’m a custom home carpenter with a specialty in timber framing.) Things are at a pace and affordability that appeals to me. I considered moving away, but ultimately I’m tired of moving around, and the big shitty doesn’t appeal to me. Yes I’m a little bit country. ;)

The cabin I was renting was up for sale so I decided to buy a condo nearby. The bank was willing to give me another mortgage once Cinder had (finally) singed our separation agreement, and I make a pretty good wage. It will be nice to finally have a home of my own that no one can arbitrarily take away from me. To me, having a stable home is the most important part of life. From there all other things flow for me, and to not have that security has had a tangible effect on my abilities at work and my emotional health. And I’m tired of renting. I am 44 and need to build equity for my future, after having lost almost everything in the collapse of my marriage. I managed to borrow and scrape together my down payment, so I am not beholden to Cinder fucking me around (again) for my meager settlement, while she lives the high life. I sign the paperwork tomorrow. So exciting!

My life is pretty simple these days, and I like it. I work a lot, and spend a lot of time with my dog Tomo. I have friendships that I put in work to maintain, and there are the “adult ” friendships that I have started and maintained since Cinder and I broke up. It has been good to get my intimate needs met through a variety of amazing women, who understand what I have been through, and just like me for me.

For the first time in a long time I can and do feel authentic in who I am and how I interact with people, without fear of emotional reprisal. I have been completely up front about my wants and needs, and everyone involved knows about each other. I’m working on my honest non-monogamy. I am still flinchy from all the emotional abuse I suffered through; it’s a work in progress. But I have a steadfast commitment in myself to be open with the women I share my time with, and so far it’s been pretty awesome.

I still miss Cinder like crazy sometimes, all the good times we shared, the deep connection we had, but there is something to be said for keeping things simple and light. I’m definitely not rushing into any kind of commitment and am very up front about that. So far, it has been well received by all those involved, and we have a good thing going. Things don’t have to be super process-y and complicated. Clarity and honesty are two traits of my character, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I’ll reveal the major players in my personal life in another post.

So, there is light at the end of a very dark time in my life. And love, intimacy, respect, redemption. As I blog I will jump back and forth from the present and the past, but will always keep the threads going. I am kinda liking this, as an online journal.

Thanks to everyone for your PMs of support.
 
Elemental, I hope you are well.

I'm not really on this forum much and I don't really pay attention. Over the years that I visit here and there, I come across stories. I read a couple of posts on your blog (not all), so I can't offer any comment, other than I can see that you have been through a lot and I wish you well. I can see you are brave and strong and I hope those qualities continue in your life. I can say that, right? ;)
XO
 
Second coming

Thanks, Bella, for the kind words. xo

Cinder and I worked through our first break-up with Raven. Cinder was very relieved to have her out of our life, and I was relieved to have some emotional normalcy return. I think seeing me choose our marriage over my relationship with Raven was what Cinder needed. It seemed to brighten her disposition towards me and she relaxed more in the relationship.

She can be pretty uptight in general, especially if things don’t go according to plan, or her way.

We settled back into our domestic routine, and it wasn’t long before she was back trolling for women, for our next sexual adventure. We had a couple of short flings, and then there was a bombshell. Cinder and Raven were talking again. Seems Cinder had reached out to R. and made some amends, and she still had feelings for her. They had begun talking.

Cinder floated the idea of independent relationships. Her with men and women, me with… Raven? We got together for dinner, and then had a spur of the moment night of sex. Seemed like the triad was back on. The next morning, Raven 'fessed up her feelings for me, and Cinder was actually supportive of it. I think she felt more comfortable with her because she was a known entity, as opposed to me finding my own girlfriend. But again it seemed like Cinder was front running. She wanted to open up our marriage. It seemed like a logical progression to me, and I was open to it.

Cinder already had an OKC account (I didn’t), and she opened it to men, and began to look for a prospective boyfriend. I was supportive, because I am not a hypocrite. If I was going to have an independent relationship with Raven, then Cinder was free to find something that fit for her.

And did she ever. Seems like guys flock to women on OKC. Soon she was messaging and texting with half a dozen guys, and loving all the attention. We worked through any feelings that came up. She seemed to be having a great time, all the while encouraging me to reconnect with Raven, which I did.

We have a fondness for each other. She had finished her schooling and had moved to a neighboring province for the summer. Cinder was so high with her NRE-OKC manhunt that she giddily helped plan a trip for me to Raven's home town, going so far as to book me a ticket. I was pretty impressed with her compassion and openness, but still had an uneasy feeling that the scene would soon change, as it usually did.

Cinder had settled on a male lover, someone married and also seeing another woman, and it felt okay. I remember having some heart-connected pangs when they spent their first night together, but generally I have those emotions dialed in. I was happy for her, and supportive. She and her beau texted a lot, and emailed. He was pretty busy, so it was a very casual thing.

She had made plans to go away with him the weekend I was to go see Raven, and it approached quickly…

It was the week before my trip to see Raven. We had talked and texted, and we were both looking forward to seeing each other, with Cinder's blessing. Then, Cinder’s guy cancelled their plans last minute. I felt that familiar uneasy knot tighten up in my gut. I knew Cinder needed her distraction from thinking about me and Raven together, and now her fun was gone. Three days before my trip. I had a bad feeling, but she assured me it was ok and even drove me to the local airport, kissed me and told me to have fun and sent me on my way. I remember the drive out, and I could feel her tension, and I knew everything was not ok, but trusted her word that she could handle it. That was not the case.

As soon as I got to Raven's place, Cinder texted me saying that sex between me and Raven was off the table. She was “uncomfortable” with it. We were kinda devastated, because our sexual connection was one of the main reasons to get back together. I felt betrayed and pissed. Cinder and I texted back and forth. I couldn’t wrap my head around why she would do this. I felt set up. Was this a test to see if I would obey her from a distance? I HATE being controlled and manipulated.

She was coming up with all these on-the-spot rule changes-- no PIV, no cumming from oral… What a joke. I told her as much. Finally she just said to go for it. So we did. And it was awesome. Except for the 30-40 texts I woke up to the next day. She had been up all night having a nervous breakdown. I had to come home right NOW. She needed me NOW. I was cheating on her by having unsanctioned sex with Raven, and on and on and on. WTF kind of hell had I woken up to? This was a nightmare.

So on it went. Texting, phone calls, reassurances, pleading crying yelling. I finally just turned my phone off.

It didn’t stop. I was so embarrassed for Raven, to be right back in this dysfunction again with my marriage. It was Insane. I decided to stay the couple of days, because after this, I would probably never see Raven again (again). I was so angry. I felt set up. I dealt with my emotions around her overnights with her lover, so why couldn’t she? It felt so unfair and just bred resentment in my heart. She was so out of her mind messy with her emotions.

I felt so far away from her. It was the first time I really questioned my relationship, really saw her behaviour as selfish. I could understand the uncomfortable feelings, but the way in which she expressed them was totally unacceptable. She even started to harass Raven when I turned my phone off. It was straight-up abusive.

We said our goodbyes when it was time for my flight back. She wished me luck, and we both acknowledged that this was never going to work, with Cinder constantly pulling the strings. So I went back to my wife and my life and left the dream of our triad behind. We had broken up for a second time.
 
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Lily

Thanks, Arrow. I like your posts on here. Respect.

When I returned home, I could see the relief and desperation in Cinder's eyes. It was too much too soon. Cinder is an emotional woman and despite her best intentions, couldn’t deal with the emotional load of having me away with Raven. It brought up too much for her.

Being back, we were able to reconnect physically and emotionally and that made most things better. Our physical connection was the bedrock of our connection, and being able to “make love” usually supplanted the awkward and difficult emotions that came with the processing.

I had a lot of respect for Cinder for even trying to make it work a second time, and could let go of her reactiveness while I was away. What bothered me was her justifying her behavior, as if it were her right to freak out on me. There was little in the way of objective self-analysis, of stepping outside of her experience to see what her actions had done to me and Raven. This was a common occurrence in my experience of Cinder, that her emotional over-reaction was always justifiable, and that it should have no repercussions.

I generally accept people as they are, and do not actively try and change them. Either we can work together or we can’t. I always felt Cinder angling for change, always attempting to tweak my personality to be more copasetic to her. It became a sore point in our relations over time, and had a direct impact on my base desire for her. My experience also raised a lot of red flags in terms of Cinder's desire to control all aspects of my interactions with other women. It would be something I would look out for in the future. I found myself being more guarded and emotionally withdrawn in our processing and emotional interaction.

With Raven out of the picture, Cinder was on the hunt again. After an abortive attempt at a foursome, she found Lily on OKC. Lily was an experienced bisexual, much younger than me, a talented and bubbly type. She and Cinder got along famously. Lily and I also got on.

Lily was practicing a more committed form of poly, involved in local poly groups and the D/s scene. We had several dates together. We talked extensively about our experience with Raven and others. Lily had quite a lot of opinions on poly, and had done a lot of the emotional work around it. I found her to fun and kind of refreshing.

One of the things we all agreed upon was the need to have independent relationships with each other, as well as the triad dynamic. At this point, we had all agreed on independent communication, as well. I was proud of the work Cinder and I had done up to this point around these issues. We had made great progress in some regards. Cinder and Lily also had a deeper personal connection, so I think that also helped things along. Cinder liked to feel "in control."

So, we started dating Lily, together and independently. Lily and I had a few independent dates, and although we connected in a friendly way, I didn’t feel that rush of chemistry. It was just one of those things. Maybe she was too much like Cinder? I just wasn’t feeling it. Later when things went badly, Cinder said it was because Lily wasn’t falling all over me, but that wasn’t it. We just didn’t connect in that way independently, and I didn’t put too much into it.

Lily and I did have great conversations, though, about my relationship with Cinder and Raven, and the dynamic between Cinder and me. We discussed at length my struggles around my perception of Cinder’s need for control and emotional manipulation. She appeared to be supportive and concerned, even forwarding me articles that explained our dynamic in "archetype" detail.

She did not approve of Cinder's relationship management style, at least to me. Her interactions with Cinder where very different, and they developed a deepening connection. I got the feeling that Lily was playing both sides of the fence, and began to distance myself from a deeper personal connection with her. She was dating multiple people at the time, as well, and didn’t really have time for me, which was fine. We just let things run its course, and had a triad in name only.

Cinder continued to bring the odd lady into our lives, with the usual dynamic playing out. It seemed to me, even with the appearance of more interactive freedoms on my side of the experience, things only worked if Cinder was at the pinnacle of the triad. This dynamic was seriously wearing on me, and I could see how this also played out in the structure of our marriage. The veil was starting to lift and I became increasingly anxious in my daily life. I was struggling, and no amount of processing around finite details seemed to work. I think Cinder could sense my unease, and it created an impatience in her and intensified her focus on my personality, and how I could fix it. She had become increasingly intolerant of certain foibles of mine, and continually told me I was stretching her beyond her limit, and alluded to some “breaking point,” from which there would be no coming back. I felt more and more under pressure to change something fundamentally inside myself, but I had no idea what it was or how to do it.
 
Third time's the charm

Cinder ended up breaking it off with the married man. He had no time for her. She started up with another fella she met while we were at a poly meet-up with Lily. He kept staring at us/her the whole night, and as he left, she ran out to give him her number.

She was always taking the lead in that way, doing what she felt was right for her. I guess she felt entitled to pursue another guy, as she felt my relationship with Lily entitled her to also have independent relationships. I considered us to be “open,” so felt like if that was what she wanted, then I was able to find my own girlfriend.

But, like all things, that was not the case. I wanted my own profile on OKC, and the ability to choose a suitable secondary. But, of course, that came with all kinds of processing of uncomfortable emotions from her end of things. It kind of sucked, me being non-possessive and not a jealous person by nature, to be partnered up with someone so very insecure and controlling. It meant that I would never have the freedoms I could happily grant my partner. I had difficulty letting go of my resentment. She played the “uncomfortable emotion” card so much it was difficult to be excited about meeting new people, as I didn’t want to subject others to this kind of drama and top-heavy processing that my relationship dictated.

So I was in a tight place. Cinder was pursuing relations with Lily and the new guy, and I was left to have a non-connected casual thing with Lily. It didn’t sit well with me. I kind of withdrew and let her have her fun, feeling a little bit burnt from what had transpired with Raven. Cinder could sense (we also talked about it) my unhappiness, and suggested a solution. Why don’t I have Raven for just my secondary?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Yes, Cinder just floated out there that I should consider Raven as my girlfriend. We already had the chemistry, the connection, and from her perspective, Raven was again the known entity. I had broken up with her twice for Cinder, and now she was dangling her in my face again. WTF? At first I said no, no way. I was not going to put us through that again, any of us. But Cinder has a charismatic way, and convinced me that things could be different this time. And like a fool I believed her.

What would Raven say? It turned out that she and Cinder had been in touch again, and had discussed the possibility. Raven loves me, and wanted a chance to be in my life, without Cinder in a triad. It took some persuading, but eventually it looked like this was going to happen. Raven and I talked on the phone, contact rules were lifted and shifted. Was this what she wanted? Seems like she was willing to try. And Cinder? She promised me that things would be different this time.

I knew there was a high probability of disaster, but I liked Raven and our connection, and saw the potential in it. It should be fun, right? Why were we doing this? To bring more fun and sex and love into our lives? It was never a merry-go-round of people-collecting for me. I have a hard time making connections and then just dumping people at the first sign of trouble. I hated the idea that someone could veto another. I struggled with the hierarchy. I had to think a lot about this. Was it worth it?

Cinder assured me all was good. We had a pretty good communication going after 5 ½ years together. We went over all our concerns, and re-affirmed our commitment to each other. With good dialogue and processing we could make anything work, right? In the back of my mind I knew it was a bad idea. I knew that Cinder was at times unstable and prone to mood shifts, but I thought things could be different this time.
 
elemental said:
I have a hard time making connections and then just dumping people at the first sign of trouble. I hated the idea that someone could veto another. I struggled with the hierarchy. I had to think a lot about this. Was it worth it?
Click to expand...

Hi, Elemental. I'm captivated by your story. I've been on the secondary side of a similar relationship disintegration for 4 years. Yes, 4 years-- 2 years of heaven, 2 more of pure hell. :(

I connect with your struggles as noted above in vetoing another person. I connect with your struggles with hierarchy. I value Truth and believe in Consequences, and hence LOVE the title of your blog. I, too, am living with telling the truth and the collateral consequences on all sides for being the only truthful person in our 'relationship.' But the truth had to be told. The lies to spare the primary were slowly killing me.

And a funny thing about your story, my (now former) boyfriend, used to passionately and tenderly call me his Raven Haired Goddess. I'm heartbroken for him. I miss him. I will love him and desire him like no other for the rest of my life. He and I believed we had a very rare chemistry and connection that could last a lifetime. But the emotional terrorism of his significant other and his deception designed to spare him more of her horrific meltdowns was not something I could stand in my life any longer.

If you're interested, you'll find a brief view of my two-year hell in the link below in posts 43 and 45. A view from the vetoed side.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69142

I look forward to reading more of your story.
 
I am following your story with great interest. I love the way you write. It has pulled me in and caught my attention.

This:

So there is light at the end of a very dark time in my life. And love, intimacy, respect, redemption.
Click to expand...

When you get to that light, it is the best feeling. I found joy at the end of a very dark tunnel. Nobody can take it away from me because I fought for it. I made some shitty choices, and I walked the path of redemption in order to get the familiarity of love, intimacy, and respect back. The journey has made me a better person.

Regardless of what you did in the past, you cannot undo it or any hurt you caused. You can only go forward and learn from the mistakes. If you have not, forgive yourself for whatever you think you did wrong.

You have been through a lot in the bit that you have shared. I do hope writing is cathartic and a healthy outlet for you. You never know who may take something from your experiences. I hope you are doing well, and I look forward to following your story.

Ry
 
here and now

Thanks, everyone, for the kind words and support. It is a very challenging time, for sure, in the present, and reliving it here has brought up a lot of the old hurt. But my effort is to do it one last time, get it out of me and into the public record, if only in an anonymous sense, although some here will know me, of me, and our story, albeit from a different perspective.

NewToday, I looked into your story, and it does have some stark reminders for me. “Emotional terrorism” is a good term. I did create deceptions to try and mitigate Cinder's emotional episodes, and that’s on me. There were so many other instances throughout our relationship that were like that not related to poly that I can think of where I self-edited or capitulated out of fear of emotional reprisal. I see it as a form of abuse now. Lies are like strangling weeds that choke out a garden.

FullofLove, I have regrets, and many lessons to learn. But I am who I am, and those mistakes were made honestly and without malice. In the tangle of a broken open relationship, things are seldom black and white. I look forward to owning my shit and becoming a better man. My life depends on it. I am working hard to forgive myself, and Cinder. I will, I must forgive, but I will never forget. We are coming up to a more complicated section of our story and there will be more self-examination, for sure.

NYCindie, thanks for your support. Yes, it is good to get my experience out there. I hope peeps can take something from these experiences.

Things have been challenging lately. Work has been intense, 6 days a week, which is a lot of construction. I have had some contact with Cinder lately, trying to hammer out the last of our separation agreement. It’s been typical of Cinder to be constantly changing the parameters of our agreements, which is something I have been expecting, but it still hard. Getting ready for a big move into my own place, with basically nothing, I am faced with rebuilding my whole life. I have been missing Cinder and our life together a lot, but it is good to interact with her and be reminded of the reality vs the ideal of her that lives in my head. It’s pretty hard.

Been taking a break from dating these days, with so much going on, keeping things on a friendly casual basis. Everyone has been super understanding of my situation and time constraints. It’s been good to be involved with people who are emotionally responsible, a good reminder moving forward.
 
beginning of the end

So, here we go again. In hindsight, it was the beginning of the end. It was the death of my ideals around my relationship with Cinder, the things that transpired over the next 6 months. It was one of the hardest and most draining times of my life, and I have been through some shit.

Our dynamic was this-- Cinder had Lily and “Willy” in her life, and I was to have Raven as my secondary. We set out some ground rules about sleepovers, time together. All of these relationships were with people not in our community, so it was going to be pretty easy to control time and space.

Raven came back into our lives. We did initially spend three days together, and re-initiate our intimacy together. Almost immediately, Cinder was raising the idea that Raven should move in with us, which R and I thought was ludicrous, but Cinder’s way. When we flat-out rejected that, it seemed to irk Cinder. She didn’t like her ideas being rejected offhand.

It was September, the start of Raven’s last semesters of school, and likely her time near our home. Cinder liked to remind me of this and put an end date to our relationship, which I felt was weird. But knew better than to rock her boat. Generally, I would reflectively listen and neither agree or disagree. It was a limbo of listening, but worked to keep away the fighting and disagreements. Right off the bat, the personality differences between R and C started to come up again. I guess I was the hinge in the V between the two of them, and tried to mitigate and translate emotion and purpose between the two of them. It was a lot of work.

A pattern developed. Cinder was committed to weekends in the city, completing some holistic training she was doing. This meant she was gone every weekend. It was Raven's and my only chance to see each other, except for the very occasional weeknight, so she would make the trek out to see me and sleep over most weekends. We would hang out, sex it up, do dinner. It was a nice time and we had a lot of fun. Our time together usually involved zero emotional processing, which was nice.

I was working a full 40-hour week and also trying to renovate a vacation cabin nearby that Cinder and I had bought together earlier in the year, so my Saturday nights and Sunday mornings were my only down time. For about 6 weeks, I spent them with Raven, because Cinder was away. Sometime she was staying with Willy, sometimes Lily, sometimes just friends. Lily and I didn’t see much of each other anymore.

As those six weeks progressed, Cinder began to get more agitated with the time I was spending with Raven. Jealousy? She began to find fault with Raven, and their limited interaction together. Cinder would seize upon a perceived fault of Raven’s and harp upon it, question it, ferret it out. I don’t know why she did this. It made Raven and me pretty uncomfortable. We would talk about it sometimes, question the intensity of Cinder’s behaviour. But I loved her, even Raven loved her in her own way, and we tried to be understanding and supportive. Raven struggled with Cinder’s judgement and emotional intensity, and I encouraged her to write it all down in an email. That way maybe they could start a dialogue and work out a basis of understanding. I was trying to be peacemaker.

I had accepted Willy as my metamour. We even spent some time together playing cards. We had some double dates, and all got along pretty well. He was very different than me, kind of a nerd (I love nerds), very slight, not very masculine. I liked him, and could see he was becoming pretty attached to Cinder.

Lily was pretty much out of the picture for both of us, dating up a storm in the big city. On a rare weeknight foray into the city, I dropped Cinder off at Willy's place before having a date with Raven. I was a little late picking up Cinder, and she was pissed. It was the first inkling that she was not happy with my connection with Raven, not at all. And I was about to find out how unhappy she was.

Cinder was furious I was late, and began blaming my relationship with Raven for a whole slew of perceived problems. I was not keeping up with the housework, I was not working on the cabin as much, Raven was a bad influence as well, she was lazy, drank too much, etc. I tried to use my communication skills to diffuse the situation, and it worked, to an extent.

I had become pretty good at navigating Cinder's complicated emotional world, but at what cost to my own self-respect? How had the constant capitulation and caretaking affected my inner self? How much personal subjugation was too much? I am a dominant sort, alpha male. I found myself to be completely submissive emotionally to Cinder, and it did not sit well in my head or my heart. And I did it to myself, in a desperate attempt to make the woman I loved the most, who I had declared my life to, happy. But at what cost?

Around this time, Cinder received Raven's email outlining her challenges with Cinder's process and character. The whole thing blew up. Cinder went ballistic and off on an emotional bender. Things were already tense, and Cinder saw this, not as an attempt to connect, but as a character assassination. I tried to reason with her but that only made it worse. How dare I take Raven's side?

The switch had been thrown. Raven was again the enemy. All kinds of demands were leveled at me. Cinder made it clear I was to get in line and side with her in this tempest in a tea pot. But even the most trivial misunderstanding became World War 3. There was no mercy. Within the next few days, Cinder had changed my phone number and forbid me from having contact with “that bitch” ever again. Things escalated so quickly. My phone! She changed my number. I lost all my contacts. I felt so grossly violated on so many levels.

At the same time, she dumped Willy. As she said, she could take him or leave him. He was way more into her than her him, so it was easy for her.

On the other hand, I had a real attachment to Raven. To have, in the space of a few days, had her amputated from my life was heartbreaking. Ultimatums were pronounced. If I ever contacted her again, we were through. Finished. Non-negotiable. I felt completely controlled and manipulated, depressed, angry. We fought. I told her she was wrong on so many levels.

I was crushed. I felt so helpless in my own life. I felt I had no autonomy, no self-determination. In Cinder's eyes it was a logical and justified move, so, end of story. I was her man. Hers. Fuck that other bitch. I felt like chattel. Was I property? I had never felt more controlled. Of course, I acted out. I rebelled.

I contacted Raven.
 
Hello Elemental,

I have to say that I am liking your blog, even though I feel so sad as I read it. I seriously hope you get some form of happy ending with Raven. Am I being silly for wishing for a fairytale ending for you? You certainly deserve it.

A guy I was dating recently was attempting to subtly manipulate and control me in an emotional way. We had several arguments in which things were twisted so that it seemed as though I were to blame. One occurred when I happened to mention that my little boy was awake and crying when he tried to talk to me by text. His reply was "ffs get a soundproof room?" He barely knew me, and now he was making impatient and flippant comments about my son. I called him on it, and got the whole "hormonal, neurotic woman" line.

When my husband expressed his distaste for that comment, he immediately backed down and apologised.

He seemed to have a problem with any sort of feminist viewpoint, as well. He went quiet after our last falling out, after he had moaned about me neglecting him when I had an exam and coursework assignment to work on for my degree. I had expressly told him that I would be unavailable for actual dates until those were out of the way. I was angry at him sulking like that, but hugely relieved, as well. I have not heard from him since then, and I am more than happy with that.

So glad that you are out of that situation now, Elemental. Wishing you much future happiness.

XXX,
RiverRose
 
currents

InfinitePossibility, thank you and much respect. I appreciate the type of poly you are living and representing on here.

RiverRose, thanks for your words. It seems there are all kinds of reasons for people to want to emotionally manipulate and control, even subtle things. Maybe I will start a post in the Relationship section to address this more philosophically, I want to explore those experiences and stories more forensically. I am out of that situation, largely, although the same dynamic keeps popping up as we seek to permanently separate our lives. We both have our patterns. I am so looking forward to one day soon discarding them forever, and I hope she can too. I still love her so much, even after all the ugly things. When people hurt they do the worst, often to those closest to them.

I wish we could have bridged that gap, but unfortunately we both came up short.

Let me speak of the ladies in my life, who support and sustain me. I am an intimate creature, whose heart speaks a language of physical contact and affection. I have found a need to be more emotionally careful, for sure, and very clear about my boundaries and limitations coming out of my marriage to Cinder. Luckily I have found some very understanding adult friendships to help me along.

Raven and I are still friends. We talk regularly. She lives in another part of the country, so obviously we don't see each other, but have maintained our connection and friendship, and still care deeply for each other.

Chiquita has been my friend and lover for over a year now, and she appears later in my story with Cinder. She is 33, a beautiful Finnish-Uruguayan mix. She lives in a nearby city and we have consistently been seeing each other a couple of times a month. She is bi. We met through a threesome with Cinder. We kept seeing each other after Cinder and I split up for good. She is lovely and sexy and kind and gentle and sweet. I love her very much, and although we both recognize the impossibility of a more serious relationship, we support each other and give each other the intimacy and emotional support that we both need.

Mz Black is an old friend that I recently became re-connected with, who is for the first time spreading her poly wings. She is 38, and an amazing mover and shaker in her fields of expertise. We are intimate, yet taking things slowly, as we are both very busy, but the time we have spent together has been wonderful and spirit-sustaining. She is located in the local big city.

Granny is 48, a local lady who I have connected with. She is fun and funny, and we have a lot of common interests. Yes, she is a granny, with two kids in their 20s, one with kids. She is probably the fittest 48-year old I have ever met, and so gorgeous and vivacious. We are friends and dating.

Dark Crystal is another local lady, 43, a professional, who has an interest in a D/s relationship. We are negotiating the parameters of what that could look like, but right now it is all hypothetical. We'll see...

So I am dating. Not making promises I can't keep. Being honest. I still find I am flinchy about disclosing details, but am being up front with everyone. I am finding a place within myself where I am becoming less invested with other people's emotional reactiveness. I am learning to let go of things I have no control over, not that I would want that, anyway. I let people know what is going on, and am open to questions. I will not overshare or try and micro-manage reactions. I want life to flow again, and let these relationships go where they want. I am done with the control and manipulations of the past.

I want to rediscover what it is to love, freely, honestly, with integrity.
 
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