Oh, so you only want answers that tell you what you want to hear instead of actual constructive feedback? You want us to say that lying and cheating behind a spouse's back is all puppies, cupcakes, and rainbows, and yes, it can lead to happy poly? You want us to tell you to go and confront his wife and tell her you're in loooooove with her husband, so she should "please open up your marriage so we can be together?" You want us to paint a picture of a happy ending when that is very unlikely? Ain't gonna happen. Let us know when you're ready to face reality.
Did you read my previous post in this thread? When a couple considers opening up from monogamy to polyamory, it could take years of deep discussion and therapy and wrestling with painful issues before they are both ready for poly - and there is no guarantee that will ever happen. They might renew their commitment to a monogamous marriage or split up altogether, and you don't want to be involved with a brokenhearted man who has lost everything.
No matter how much "more" there is to the situation, as you see it, you are deluding yourself to think that you have to make it happen. You have been playing with fire and you think no one will get burned. You've put this man in a situation where he is forced to lie to someone he loves. Do you think she will accept that betrayal and say, "Oh, poly? Okay, hon, go for it!" There is no reason to be so selfish.
Christ, did I ever say I thought this was "puppies and rainbows" or whatever the hell you took the small snippet of my story as? No, I didn't. I said that I have an issue that I was hoping to get feedback about because it is actually bothering me. Being immediately told that I'm "kidding myself" as such a finite resolution to someone I feel so strongly about....yeah, kinda took that the worst way I suppose. That doesn't mean I completely ignored what was said. It just doesn't do anything to help me.
Sorry to get defensive and sorry to Kernow if I made it sound like I was being flippant about her situation and story, but holy hell.....thanks for taking what little I felt comfortable opening up about and making it sound like I'm the scum of the earth because I'm daring to try to figure out my situation without anyone's heart being stomped on. I already know that the original situation was the wrong one and a mistake, hence why he and I both backed off before anything could really happen that we knew we'd regret. Now here I am asking about what I initially believed to sound like a reasonable success story in regards to a situation similar to my own (which I was mistaken about....again, I apologize if I sounded like I was glorifying it, Kernow), and I get slammed by someone who takes my 2 sentence response as complete ignorance and decides to go off on me with condescension and sarcasm.
I actually thought my response had been quite measured. I'm certainly not saying that you are a terrible person, but I do think that by daring to hope that this can be worked out without anyone getting hurt is unrealistic. I give you credit for pulling back and not letting it go too far, but I honestly believe that you will be the one who is most likely to get badly hurt. You are right that the outcome for us has been good in the long term, but I think ours is a fairly unusual situation. I tried to give you an objective answer, I care very much about the other woman involved in our situation and while we are all happy with our situation she would be the first to admit that in many ways she has been short changed by my husband.
I have tried to tell you honestly about our situation, it is not meant as criticism of you. I like the way our life is now, I wouldn't want to change it very much but in all honesty I don't think it is perfect from the other woman's viewpoint.
What?
ONE person admitted that it was "a bit fun"...I hardly think that translates to a "number of people"...
The OP and one other person talked about it being fun to be a secret. One other person is clearly looking for a way that an affair can become legit. That seems like a number of people to me.
There's a world a difference between polyamory (where everyone involved at least knows that people have multiple relationships) and an affair you are hiding from a partner.It's funny you should refer to it as that. I've often heard polyamory as a whole be described as just a "legit affair" from mono-oriented people.
Nope. She is not a metamore. She is just an ex wife and mother of his child. She cannot legally deny him visitation just because he has a girlfriend. She has to abide by what is in their court ordered parenting plan or be in contempt of court.
There's a world a difference between polyamory (where everyone involved at least knows that people have multiple relationships) and an affair you are hiding from a partner.
If nothing happened, no it's not cheating or an affair. But if you decided to still get together, kiss, have sex, go on dates and hide that from his wife, yes it is an affair and cheating.So let me get this straight, based on what I'm seeing here - I get close to a guy I care significantly about who is married, we back off before anything hot and heavy goes down and leads to regret and irrevocable damage in favor of trying to figure the situation out and not make any more mistakes, and it still gets labeled an "affair" as if we've been sneaking around in sin for years messing around. Is that how I understand it? That cut & dry around here, huh?
Christ, where's my big red "A" I get to sew on? Clearly that's what some people here believe should happen.
So let me get this straight, based on what I'm seeing here - I get close to a guy I care significantly about who is married, we back off before anything hot and heavy goes down and leads to regret and irrevocable damage in favor of trying to figure the situation out and not make any more mistakes, and it still gets labeled an "affair" as if we've been sneaking around in sin for years messing around. Is that how I understand it? That cut & dry around here, huh?
Christ, where's my big red "A" I get to sew on? Clearly that's what some people here believe should happen.
Even one person saying that it's fun to lie, cheat and sneak around behind somebody's back seems like a lot to me. To have anybody at all back it up feels like a lot to me.
So it might hardly translate into a "number of people" to you. It does to me.
We're clearly dealing with an issue that triggers a strong reaction in you
The reality is that cheating is a widespread phenomena.
This thread reminded me of a short blog that someone resurrected. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1779
This guy took things a little further with his secret, but I believed in his good intentions and admired his willingness to take a hard look at his mistakes.