Not on board with this, but want him to be happy

[alittlelost]

So a little background. I've been married to my husband for nine years now and together for 14. We have three children and one on the way. We've tried swinging in the past with limited success and a lot of drama at his request. We took a break from swinging for a while and I was happy with that, thought we were kind of done with it. Neither of us wanted to pursue it.

About a month and a half ago a new woman came on the scene and husband wanted to pursue her in swinging. He brought up the topic with her and she said no, due to the fact she was going through a divorce and felt she needed time and not any drama. That left me feeling relieved as I had shared with him that I wasn't comfortable with getting back into swinging. Life went on and a friendship started between her and my husband. She needed help moving her things from out of state and my husband volunteered to drive the moving truck for her. A group of friends was supposed to go and help but ended up being only the two of them. While on this trip, she initiated sex with him and I was told after the fact. This left me feeling scared and hurt and a bit betrayed by both of them. We talked about it and he convinced me that all was well, there was nothing to worry about and no danger to our marriage. I said ok to the swinging relationship and things seemed to go along fine for a few weeks. She spent a lot of time at our house, especially after I had gone to bed. I had just decided to speak up and say that I thought I needed more one on one time with my husband and maybe she should give us a little space when my husband came to me telling my it was more then swinging and had become more of a poly relationship. The first three conversations we had about it, I became so upset that I hyperventilated. He didn't expect me to react that way and thought I would be fine with everything. We talked about things and tried to do more research and I agreed to try to be ok with poly.

A month and a few bombshells later, I'm not ok with it and want the relationship to end. I'm jealous as hell and hate the idea of sharing my husband equally with a new person. I've tried talking with her about how I feel, explaining that I have nothing against her as a person at all. I've asked her for help feeling more involved and a part of things instead of on the outside looking in. It helps anywhere from a few days to a few hours, then I'm in trouble again feeling the same way if not worse. My husband is fed up with listening to me talk about this, telling me I'm not saying anything new and this new relationship is here to stay so I better get past it. He has said that if I reject poly then I'm rejecting a part of him. That the only way to live without it completely is to not be with him. He has told me over and over how much he loves me, he isn't replacing me with her, that I have nothing to be afraid of and to get on with life and let it go. He's talked about spending more one on one time with me but hasn't really happened to date. Also telling me the more I talk about this, the more he doesn't want to hear it or be around me.

Sorry for being so long winded, I suppose I had a lot to get off my chest. So help. what do I do now? How do I respond to all this? If this can work without me going crazy I'm all for it, I just know a lot of change is probably required. I've been actively trying to work to the root of my jealousy and try to replace it with counter sayings. I don't know what to say to him anymore or what to try, I just want to stop feeling this way.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you hurt.

I don't know what to say to him anymore or what to try, I just want to stop feeling this way.

But I don't think there is anything wrong with how you feel. When a person treats you unkindly, it feels yucky.

If you are not on board with things, say NO.

I could be wrong, but here is how it seems to me:

That left me feeling relieved as I had shared with him that I wasn't comfortable with getting back into swinging.

So the agreement is that the marriage is CLOSED at this point.

A group of friends was supposed to go and help but ended up being only the two of them. While on this trip, she initiated sex with him and I was told after the fact

So he cheated on current agreements.

He has told me over and over how much he loves me, he isn't replacing me with her, that I have nothing to be afraid of and to get on with life and let it go. He's talked about spending more one on one time with me but hasn't really happened to date. Also telling me the more I talk about this, the more he doesn't want to hear it or be around me.

That's "push-pull" stuff.

How is any of this "loving behavior" that he's doing toward you?

• He cheats. Wants to whitewash it into "we're swinging again" rather than heal from the betrayal of trust.
• Neglects the wife while obsessing on the mistress.
• He's not asked first for your consent to polyship.
• He announces it is a polyship now. Expects you to be fine with him behaving this way and is surprised to learn you are NOT.
• Will not provide compassion, support or nurture or TIME for wife to consent, acclimate and adjust.
• When your feelings don't suit him six weeks along (you struggle, are upset) he TELLS you what to feel instead (you are to get over it, let it go)
• No mention of what behavior he will change other than promises to spend time with you (that are not happening.)
• He also withdraws listening and support -- when he's the one who created the situation.

It's all "me, me, me!" sounding.

You don't feel emotionally safe here. Rightly so.

• You don't trust him to treat you kindly
• You observe him breaking promises
• You don't trust him to follow through on new promises
• You had drama before, here it comes again

AND this is all going down while you are pregnant. This is NOT kind or loving behaviors to me. This also isn't sounding like "polyshipping" to me. It's beyond "fresh" to me. It is "borderline emotional abuse" or "abuse" to me. Only you know for sure what is going on there.

I don't think you CAN fix this on your own. If he's not willing to own his poor behavior, not willing to work with you to do conflict resolution and repair work... you cannot do it alone.

I don't know if these help:

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

I see that you want it to work out, but you can't polyship here with a messed up hinge person. A 3 people thing cannot run on 1 person energy. Not even if you give it your 100% effort. You will burn out.

I hope I am wrong and you are NOT being abused... but if I am not wrong?

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Tactics-Murphy-2010.pdf

See if any of those behaviors ring a bell in your case. Seek out local help if so. I think you'd could be better off consulting professionals/relatives to see about removing yourself from this situation as best as possible if you are experiencing emotional abuse over there. I also understand that it isn't that easy sometimes and there's stages to work through. (See "stages" midway thru)

You have a kids and new baby to think about. Save your energies for them and for YOU right now as you begin to think out how you want to handle this. Remember you have worth, value and dignity even when you are being treated poorly.

Stay safe, and hang in there,
Galagirl

 

[jayt]

I so very deeply agree with Galagiirl... the situation is heart breaking

 

[Marcus]

I'm jealous as hell and hate the idea of sharing my husband equally with a new person...
My husband is fed up with listening to me talk about this, telling me I'm not saying anything new and this new relationship is here to stay so I better get past it. He has said that if I reject poly then I'm rejecting a part of him.

He has decided he is poly and this is "who I am"
You have decided you are not poly-friendly and this is "who I am"

To me, this is the only part of the issue which really needs to be considered. Unless you become flexible about accepting his poly nature or he becomes less interested in being poly... I don't see how the other details are really relevant. With polarized viewpoints like this someone is either going to need to surrender a chunk of who they are or someone (hopefully both) will splash cold water on their face and realize the situation is untenable.

 

[PolyinPractice]

I understand how you feel, but I can also see this from the husband's point of view. Bear in mind, we are going on limited information on the forums.

What I'm hearing is you had an open relationship, then closed it. Later on, he wanted to open it again...and then fell in love with the woman. You feel scared and upset. He feels confined and misunderstood.

I don't think he's going about it in the best way; but, it's very hard for someone to entirely give up being open/poly forever. They might be talked into it temporarily, as in your case.

I don't think making him give up the other woman is the right move. For one, he'll only end up resenting you. For another, will you ever be able to forget that he loves her? That he wants to be with someone else, too? Will you ever really feel like things are the same between you? What if he decides he's trapped...and decides to cheat? I'm not saying he will, but these are all sucky scenarios that might play out.

I honestly think the best thing for you to do is sit down with your husband. Talk about what you and he need to be happy. To feel fulfilled. You might realize that he can be everything you need AND this other woman take absolutely nothing away from you. If you feel secure with him, it'll help your jealous feelings (probably.) But don't try to get him to be mono.

 

[Magdlyn]

He has decided he is poly and this is "who I am"
You have decided you are not poly-friendly and this is "who I am"

To me, this is the only part of the issue which really needs to be considered. Unless you become flexible about accepting his poly nature or he becomes less interested in being poly... I don't see how the other details are really relevant. With polarized viewpoints like this someone is either going to need to surrender a chunk of who they are or someone (hopefully both) will splash cold water on their face and realize the situation is untenable.

She is trying to accept it, but she's got a baby in her! Some daddies become more attentive when their dw has a bun in the oven, is feeling uncomfortable and needing extra help. Not to mention, they've got 3 other kids.

I think this h is acting like a douche at a time when his wife needs him most.

I don't think making him give up the other woman is the right move. For one, he'll only end up resenting you. For another, will you ever be able to forget that he loves her? That he wants to be with someone else, too? Will you ever really feel like things are the same between you? What if he decides he's trapped...and decides to cheat? I'm not saying he will, but these are all sucky scenarios that might play out.

I honestly think the best thing for you to do is sit down with your husband. Talk about what you and he need to be happy. To feel fulfilled. You might realize that he can be everything you need AND this other woman take absolutely nothing away from you. If you feel secure with him, it'll help your jealous feelings (probably.) But don't try to get him to be mono.

Trouble is, she's trying to "sit down and talk," but he is impatient and selfish and telling her to just STFU and get used to it. End of discussion. I think that is very callous cad-like behavior.

Some daddies give up on fatherhood and start acting merely like sperm donors, going off catting around. I agree with GalaGirl, this situation is bordering on abuse.

 

[CosmoMcKinley]

I've been married to my husband for nine years now and together for 14. We have three children and one on the way. We've tried swinging in the past with limited success and a lot of drama at his request.

A few questions...

1)How happy are you with the relationship when other people aren't involved sexually? I'm not asking what you'd tell your chums or your family when asked, I'm asking what you'd tell a bunch of people on the internet that you'll never meet.

2) What seemed to be the major source of drama when you were active swingers?

3) You spend a lot of time talking about your own feelings and your husband's actions, but not much about the other woman involved. Is she behaving in a predatory fashion, for example, actively trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband? How has she responded to your requests for more involvement? Do the two of you have any kind of relationship or interaction beyond the superficial level?

4) What is the time frame of all this relationship drama with your current pregnancy?

The reason I ask these things is because nothing happens in a vacuum. For many couples, non-monogamy doesn't so much create problems as it exacerbates (or simply illuminates) existing problems. Would it be all sunshine and rainbows if the "other woman" suddenly disappeared and your husband became Captain Monogamy?

 

[graviton]

From what I have read and experienced personally, poly only works well if both partners believe in its tenants and enthusiastically pursue it. The minute one of the partners changes their mind and begrudgingly endures it is when it is destined to fail. The resentful partner consciously or not will act to undermine BOTH relationships and add friction to the gears causing problems. My suggestion to you is to remove yourself from the relationship until you or he can realistically determine what you want without the cloud of poly hanging over you. He may cease or you may rethink your stance. Can you move out for a short term?

 

[KerryRen]

I have to agree with everyone else, overall.

If your husband wanted to make a polyship with you and this other person, he should have discussed it with you -- not announced to you. He probably doesn't want to give up the security and affection of your marriage, I suspect he's being honest about that, but just because he's acquired deeper feelings for the other woman and wants to also have a relationship with her does not mean he can make the two relationships into a polyship.

Indeed, by sleeping with her without your knowledge or consent, and otherwise acting deceitfully, I'd say he's effectively doomed the chances of that happening, IMHO.

He also seems to be demanding that his needs be met without apparently taking care of yours, when you are at a fairly critical point. (And while you've had three kids previously, each pregnancy is different, so I hope he's not running on the idea that you're experienced now and don't need any help.) For me, at a minimum, that would incite hostility, both toward him and his new partner.

If he truly feels poly is part of him and wants you to accept it, I'd say he needs to step back and slow down some. I'd suggest, if he will in fact talk and not shut down the conversation completely, that you ask him how he'd feel if you -- or the new girlfriend -- slept with another man and fell in love with them, without his prior knowledge or consent, then told him he'd have to live with the new relationship? Spin it back to him.

 

[KC43]

You and he agreed to close the marriage.

He *cheated* on you with this other woman. It doesn't matter if he claims he decided to re-open the marriage. As Hubby says, "It's a two-yes system." Your husband didn't give you the option of saying yes or no. He cheated on you and presented it to you afterward as "I think we should re-open the marriage, so I've gone ahead and done it."

He's giving you ultimatums. "Accept this polyship or get out," is basically how I'm understanding what you're saying he said. He brought the woman into your home without consulting you, moved it from swinging to relationship without consulting you, and is now telling you if you don't want it that way, tough shit.

Yeah. I'm with GalaGirl and Magdlyn. You say "if this can work without me going crazy"... it shouldn't have to. You had no say in what your husband has chosen, and he's continuing to give you no say. He's telling you it's going to be his way or else... and that is emotional blackmail at the very least, assuming you feel as if you can't leave him because of your children. He's forcing you to live a situation that you are unhappy and uncomfortable with. You aren't crazy for wanting YOUR needs met by YOUR husband. He is WRONG for how he is treating you.

 

[friskyone4u]

The others have it right. Your husband is being a true moron. Three other kids, you pregnant, and him cheating and giving you ultimatums?? Hardly the basis for a happy ending. Graviton had it also correct. Poly or any other non-monogamous relationships DO NOT work long term (you can define that) when one of the parties is dead set against it.

I disagree with the statement that your husband can never go back to not being poly just because now he has a plaything that he likes. This crap that you can go to poly from mono but never back without being miserable is nonsense. The street works both ways. There are THOUSANDS or more of people who have tried swinging or poly and do neither and are still married or in their same relationships.

Maybe the thought of you divorcing him and then he can pay child support for 4 kids and not have you either might if he believes it can happen bring him crashing back down to reality. If I were you I would ask him how he would like that outcome in the near future and see how his feelings are for this person he cheated with are then.

 

[PolyinPractice]

I feel like there is a lot of judgment against the husband. He may be a terrible person; but he may have just been too weak to hold firm to his desires for non-monogamy. I'm not excusing his behavior; you should simply be very clear about your needs; not pretend you don't have them, and then go cheat behind your partner's back.

But many people feel guilty for wanting other partners and perhaps he felt the same way?

The OP is clearly hurting; but trying to force him to end his feelings and relationship with this other woman, who is probably more than just a plaything to him? I think that will only result in him cheating behind her back. She tried to get them to be monogamous together once before...and that failed spectacularly.

 

[Magdlyn]

The OP is clearly hurting; but trying to force him to end his feelings and relationship with this other woman, who is probably more than just a plaything to him? I think that will only result in him cheating behind her back. She tried to get them to be monogamous together once before...and that failed spectacularly.

No one said she could get or force her h to do anything! We are all saying what she can do, for herself. If she is fed up and needs to leave him... or anything she can do from a place of self respect and strength, those are the suggestions here.

 

[GalaGirl]

The OP is clearly hurting; but trying to force him to end his feelings and relationship with this other woman, who is probably more than just a plaything to him? I think that will only result in him cheating behind her back. She tried to get them to be monogamous together once before...and that failed spectacularly.

He couldn't say "No, thank you. I do not want to participate in a closed relationship" and NOT agree to close at that time? Why make promises he cannot keep?

Maybe the thought of you divorcing him and then he can pay child support for 4 kids and not have you either might if he believes it can happen bring him crashing back down to reality. If I were you I would ask him how he would like that outcome in the near future and see how his feelings are for this person he cheated with are then.

He's already sounding kind of emotionally manipulative/issuing threats of his own to me. Her trying to control his behavior by turning to emotional bullying herself? That is not kind, and it not likely to be effective either, IMHO. Cranks UP the emotional volume here rather than turning it DOWN.

"Break up with her or else I divorce you and take the kids"​

is a threat. That doesn't mean she has to stay. She can focus on HER behavior and leave his to him. She could say

"No,thank you. I am not willing to participate in a polyship. You choose to polyship. I choose to bow out. We will need to talk... have a separation and/or get a divorce."​

Still gets (moving towards the split done) without her escalating emotional temperature here or trying to be in charge of his behavior. He makes his choices. She makes hers.

At this time he is not willing to talk and work things out with her on the topic of opening up WELL so all people's needs are met.

For him to suddenly be willing to talk and work things out with her on the topic of splitting up WELL so all people's needs are met? I'd be surprised.

And there I assume she has a job of her own, and they do NOT have money in joint where he can close all the accounts and leave her pregnant, financially stranded with kids, no income, the home to maintain, and bills coming in, divorce to file, papers to gather, etc... while he skips out. If she is dependent on him and suspects he might pull a move like that? Or even if she believes "Oh, he'd never do THAT" at this time?

She may be better off quietly opening her own account and transferring 50% of existing funds over FIRST before letting him know her intent. Just in case -- so she has something to live on during the transition. Sort out the balance in proceedings and mediation along with future support/custody issues later. Then he CAN'T pull that move even if he wanted to. To me? Better to take steps to not be vulnerable than leave self open for a ding. In the land of divorce the game of "starve the wife" is not unheard of. Sigh.

Or she says NOTHING at this time to him. Because this is not "normal people divorce" but a layer of abuse too. She could gather info quietly on her own, start formulating her safety plan first. Before taking any actions that clue him in that her intent is to bow out and leave.​

Him saying things like

My husband is fed up with listening to me talk about this, telling me I'm not saying anything new and this new relationship is here to stay so I better get past it.

The "Or else" is implied in there. What happens to her if she doesn't get past it like he commands her to do? I worry for her well being.

If she's in an abuse cycle, she may want to say NOTHING at this time. Give him no reason to beat the crap out of her -- either with emotional/verbal abuse or with fists or with control of the finances or control of kid custody. That's why I suggest looking over the list to see what behaviors she's dealing with.

Some abusers take any kind of "no" as a challenge to take down and time to get their "uppity victims back in line." She may also love her partner and just want the bad behaviors to stop. She could love him but not love his behaviors. She could decide she could keep loving him... OUT of the line of fire and remove herself to a safer distance.

We don't know if this is

a) abuse here
b) if so what stage she is in in that coming to terms process and if she's ready to label it "he does abusive behaviors"
c) if so what she's willing/able to do about it at this time in her OWN behavior. (She cannot make him do anything -- he is in charge of his behaviors.)

If that IS what is happening there, it could be more effective for her to quietly contact local resources like her county's Department of Children and Families to help her gather more information for herself, make a safety plan and help her think out all her options at a time where she finds it hard to think on her own from the mental stress and emotional stress.

If she is at this kind of place -- then to me it would go beyond internet people help. It needs other kinds of help on the local level.

• INTERNET: She could take the kids to the library or to a friend or relative's house and use that computer (NOT the home computer) to look up info online. Where IS the local help in her area? No need to tip him off.
  
• PHONE OR IN PERSON: She could leave the home and call from a friend's phone, pay phone, or make an appointment and slip it in verbally. Call her county's Department of Children and Families, her doctor, her minister, her kid's teachers, women's shelters (they've seen it all)... to help put her in touch with the right local resources without tipping him off. Then she can get advice at the right places. Could then make a quiet appointment with an abuse counselor for info/guidance.
  
• Not DO anything just yet beyond info gathering, but THINK it out better.
• When ready to make the break, she could get out physically FIRST. And then deal with the legalities of a split LATER. The leaving time is sometimes dangerous.

OP, I know this isn't fun for you. Only you know what kind of situation you have going on over there.

I'm not trying to add to your burden by speaking frankly. I am trying to give you possible places to go as you figure out what kind of situation you have here first and figure out how you want to handle it next.

But I think you CAN figure it out, and I think you CAN handle this. You CAN make your own choices for yourself and your future happiness.

Focus on you. Hang in there.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

He's telling you it's going to be his way or else... and that is emotional blackmail at the very least, assuming you feel as if you can't leave him because of your children.

He gets to decide how he wants to live his life and he's told her how he wants to live his life. The fact that he initially broke their agreement of sexual exclusivity might be ammunition to hate the guy, but that really doesn't get us anywhere.

I know it's tough to remain rational and reasonable when emotions are running high but I strongly suggest you [OP] resist the urge to get caught up in some of the heated language in this thread. It isn't emotional blackmail, nor is anyone forcing anyone to do anything. Life presents us with choices and sometimes neither of the choices are great... which is where you find yourself right now.

Could he have been nicer about it? Absolutely.
Could he have given advanced warning and slowly built up to opening the relationship? Absolutely.​

He didn't do that and, in truth, it wouldn't have changed the reality of the situation. You are at a crossroad and have some difficult questions to answer for yourself. Embrace the fact that you have control over what choices you make and how to live your life... don't give in to looking for a bad guy to be mad at or blame.

 

[alittlelost]

Thank you everyone who has posted a response, reading over everything has really been helpful in validating some of my feelings and seeing things from different points of view.

Let me clear the air by saying that I am not being physically abused, emotional is up for debate some days, but not physically in danger. Thank you for being concerned and helpful in that way and I will keep it in mind that that was thought of when I shared about the situation for the future. I was able to sit down with him and the girlfriend separately and together and share a bit of what I was feeling and why. I explained the emotions that I was having as best I could(thank you for links, Galagirl, most helpful). While they didn't understand everything I shared they at least agreed that whatever emotions I have are valid, real, and worth considering. My husband and I agreed that he had been neglecting my needs and that needed to be corrected. He and GF agreed to take a break for a week to give he and I space to repair what we can and spend time together.

I realize that asking him to just break things off or to turn his back on poly feelings is a recipe for disaster and resentment and agree that that is not the course of action to take. I'm hoping that after the week is over some things will have been worked out and some needs met, with the goal of my feeling more secure and more ok with this polyship. I am responsible for my mental and emotional wellbeing as well as my happiness, and will try not to compromise them as best I can. I don't plan on making any ultimatums, but will explain how certain actions make me feel and how I can respond to them. Just as I am responsible for my actions, he is responsible for his and the outcome of his own choices. I feel that that is a fair attitude to have on this. Any other input on what I've said or thoughts are appreciated, I really cant thank everyone enough for reading and responding, I don't feel near so alone anymore.

 

[Eclipse]

I come from a situation where this exact scenario was more successful and not quite so emotionally destructive. My wife and I were both into swinging, although apparently a little bit more successful. This probably was due to the fact that it was a mutual agreement... one that she initiated the original discussion about. We were in that scene for a few years until I met a woman at work who I became very quick and very close friends with. I was aware that this was drifting toward a poly relationship and took steps to deal with problems before they became problems. I got Curls and Freckles together and we talked hung out one night. And that turned into another night... then another... then another... Before we knew it, the two of them had their own friendship forming that was completely independent of their relationships with me. I think the important thing to note here is that our dive into polyamory started with friendship... sex came waaaaaay down the road. There was also no dishonesty involved, no coercion, no ultimatums.

In my experience, I have discovered that there is technical term for the behaviors that your husband has exhibited up to this point. It's called "douchebag". I don't see this as being an issue with poly at all... you don't have a husband who is poly, you simply have a cheating spouse who is being honest about it. I've never had a lot of patience for the apologists that just say bullshit like "it's part of who he is!". That's crap... obviously it wasn't part of who he was for a decade plus.

Cheating is not polyamory. Telling your partner that you are cheating and saying you are going to continue doing so without their consent is still cheating. Ergo, you don't get to cheat on your spouse and then throw open the relationship against the wishes of your partner and get taken serious when you claim you are now "poly".

Be cautious. He has already proven that he is NOT trustworthy or sympathetic to your needs or wants. You cannot count on him to do what is in your best interests. Keep in mind that this week is going to be him buttering you up to reach an acceptable compromise that allows him to keep doing whatever he feels like doing and simultaneously keeps you quiet.

 

[graviton]

I come from a situation where this exact scenario was more successful and not quite so emotionally destructive. My wife and I were both into swinging, although apparently a little bit more successful. This probably was due to the fact that it was a mutual agreement... one that she initiated the original discussion about. We were in that scene for a few years until I met a woman at work who I became very quick and very close friends with. I was aware that this was drifting toward a poly relationship and took steps to deal with problems before they became problems. I got Curls and Freckles together and we talked hung out one night. And that turned into another night... then another... then another... Before we knew it, the two of them had their own friendship forming that was completely independent of their relationships with me. I think the important thing to note here is that our dive into polyamory started with friendship... sex came waaaaaay down the road. There was also no dishonesty involved, no coercion, no ultimatums.

In my experience, I have discovered that there is technical term for the behaviors that your husband has exhibited up to this point. It's called "douchebag". I don't see this as being an issue with poly at all... you don't have a husband who is poly, you simply have a cheating spouse who is being honest about it. I've never had a lot of patience for the apologists that just say bullshit like "it's part of who he is!". That's crap... obviously it wasn't part of who he was for a decade plus.

Cheating is not polyamory. Telling your partner that you are cheating and saying you are going to continue doing so without their consent is still cheating. Ergo, you don't get to cheat on your spouse and then throw open the relationship against the wishes of your partner and get taken serious when you claim you are now "poly".

Be cautious. He has already proven that he is NOT trustworthy or sympathetic to your needs or wants. You cannot count on him to do what is in your best interests. Keep in mind that this week is going to be him buttering you up to reach an acceptable compromise that allows him to keep doing whatever he feels like doing and simultaneously keeps you quiet.

isn't that what poly generally is? Buttering up our partners so they will consent to other relationships? I know it sounds coercive but that is the nuts and bolts of it. Showing sufficient loving actions so nobody feels left out or slighted. Ultimately the only way to ever get consent from ANYONE that you deem it necessary to get it from requires some level of buttering up and convincing.

 

[Marcus]

Let me clear the air by saying that I am not being physically abused, emotional is up for debate some days, but not physically in danger. Thank you for being concerned and helpful in that way and I will keep it in mind that that was thought of when I shared about the situation for the future.

You gave no indication that there was any hint of abuse or coercion. You will find that some folks on these boards are very quick to throw those terms around.

I encourage you to not to let it muddy the issues which you *actually* have in front of you. Just because a few strangers who frequently assume that any disagreement is coercive or abusive doesn't mean you should cloud your situation with such nonsense.

I've never had a lot of patience for the apologists that just say bullshit like "it's part of who he is!". That's crap... obviously it wasn't part of who he was for a decade plus.

If it's not part of who he is then how else would you describe it? It's his worldview and he is the only person who gets to decide how to describe it (should he care to).

People don't have to like it or agree with it, but that doesn't change the fact that it is, indeed, just part of who he is.

Ergo, you don't get to cheat on your spouse and then throw open the relationship against the wishes of your partner and get taken serious when you claim you are now "poly".

I think most of us agree that braking his promise of sexual exclusivity was a breach of trust, but that in no way suggests that he can't decide what type of relationship style he wants. It is his prerogative to decide who he is and how he wants to live his life. He's just not doing his argument any favors by beginning with dishonesty.

This doesn't mean that his partners have to accept it, and that is their decision to make. There is no guarantee that he will be "taken seriously" regardless of how he broached the topic.

Keep in mind that this week is going to be him buttering you up to reach an acceptable compromise that allows him to keep doing whatever he feels like doing and simultaneously keeps you quiet.

Coming to an acceptable compromise is a working definition of successful conflict resolution.

 

[london]

isn't that what poly generally is? Buttering up our partners so they will consent to other relationships? I know it sounds coercive but that is the nuts and bolts of it. Showing sufficient loving actions so nobody feels left out or slighted. Ultimately the only way to ever get consent from ANYONE that you deem it necessary to get it from requires some level of buttering up and convincing.

No. Lots of us chose polyamory as a relationship style before we were in a relationship and then found someone compatible with that relationship style.

I know others may have opened a previously monogamous relationship and I agree that a conscientious person would assess how much coercion plays in our partner's consent to go ahead. Particularly if they insist they wish to remain monogamous. It doesn't mean that every "yes" is a consequence of coercion though.

If you feel you're being "buttered up" or you're having to constantly "butter up" your partner, you may want to assess how much coercion plays a part in your relationship but kindly refrain from suggesting it's prevalent in all polyamorous relationships.