Moving in with new girlfriend and not me

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MsAndry

New member
Moving in with new girlfriend and not me - advice please?

Sorry this is quite a long post.
Almost a year ago I met an amazing man and started a long distance relationship.
From the outset he said he had problems with monogamy so we agreed on an open relationship where we didn't discuss details.
Everything was great and I was very excited about the prospect of no guilt and honesty as I had had some bad relationships in the past.
Things seemed a bit iffy at times as if we were out he had problems with me talking to other men, he said it upset him so I respected that.
As a single mum the only times I was really going out were with him though.
When I spoke about making a fetlife account he talked me out of it with "why would you want to find anyone else" and would often say he wasn't looking for another relationship, also he said he never denied his relationship with me.


After I moved to be closer to him I had arranged a night out and he said he would babysit, after all my friends cancelled and He was still pushing me to go out I questioned why (he was very pushy) in the back of my head I wondered if he was inviting another girl to my house while babysitting and he made me feel I was being paranoid.
we agreed to get tested and only sleep with each other unprotected and I asked him to tell me if he started sleeping with someone else.
one day he came home with scratches down his back and told me he fell of his bike into a bush, they looked like fingernails.
Eventually things got quite bad as he was being distant and secretive, he had shut down every attempt I had made to see other men then suddenly changed the rules we agreed on and I could "do what I want" so I tried to end things.
I barely saw him once a week.

We had met a girl at a convention and after she saw a status update I made saying I was upset told me they had been sleeping together and showed me messages.
He had told her we weren't and we had just had a thing in the past.
It also turned out he had invited her round to my house the night he was babysitting which she declined as she thought it was over the line.
After many tears he suggested we become official and he said he wanted to try polyamory so I agreed and read what I could, I asked him to be completely honest from then on.

He finally started coming over more than once a week when I explained I needed to see him more (i had asked before but he was full of excuses)
He admitted the scratches were from another girl but never mentioned the 4th girl he was seeing at the time.
I felt he still wasn't being honest so read some facebook messages (wrong I know I just needed to know if I was still being messed around) I found out about the 4th girl and a lot of the things I had been thinking turned out to be true.
He broke things off with two of the girls and was just seeing me and one other girl.
She would constantly post statuses about him (she had another boyfriend and another girlfriend)
This was two months ago.


Things were ok for a while but she had no respect for me, when I went out with him one night she was trying to convince him to leave and go out with her instead so I instantly felt a distrust for her.
She also sent him a message asking him to book a holiday for the two of them to budapest and she said don't tell me. He agreed.
I confronted him and he was only bothered I had accessed his phone (until I found out he had been lying I had never looked at his private messages)
I was angry I suppose as he had shut down all opportunities for me to meet other people.
The two of them had unprotected sex which he told me, again upset as it felt like they weren't being fair.


I met the girl and we all went out, she seemed quite nice and all my worries disappeared until we went back to my house and she started being very abusive to me to the point I asked her to leave, but asked him to stay as it was our day together. it took 3 hours for her to go and she was trying to get him to go with her or she would break up with him and before she did leave she cut herself in my bathroom.
He didn't really seem to realise how out of order her behavior was.
She has given me 3 panic attacks this month, I had never had a severe one until she came on the scene.
he didn't side with me and I could tell he wanted to go with her


After this me and him seemed to be ok and as we had been together almost a year he suggested moving in together. She had been asking him for a month (they had only been seeing each other for two) but assured me he didn't want to live with her. He had been telling her he loved her but his friends he didn't yet but didn't want to upset her.
My birthday was last week The day before a planned night out he went on a date with one of the other girls he used to see and didn't tell me about, I said he could stay but please be back early in the morning, he came back late which upset me but I let it go.
Then the day before my birthday because of something I overheard in a phone conversation between them the day before I read his facebook, they had arranged to meet up on my birthday.
I asked him not to and I would like that day to be between us and special.
he said I was being unreasonable and what he does when I'm not there doesn't matter.
He was also telling her lies about me being dismayed about him staying with her before he went on holiday for two weeks, I wasn't I suggested it.
Saying I was harrassing him (when I was asleep)


The next day I did something silly and confronted him about what he said, he asked how I knew and I said that his other gf had told me.
He didn't believe me (fair enough it wasn't true) and took her side.
That evening I found a picture of her naked wearing my shoes and whilst on the phone the truth came out and I told him I had been reading his messages and I knew he was still lying.
He was very angry and convinced this was more wrong that anything he had ever done, I think both are equally bad.
He said I had no respect for him but I feel putting her in my shoes for sex and the whole of our relationship he has shown me no respect.
I messaged her and apologised for my behavior and said there was no excusing it.
I am not normally like this, I am usually trusting.


My instincts are usually spot on though and from the get go I haven't had good feelings about this girl until our nice evening together, but she destroyed those when she was so mean to me (telling me what a bad mother I was and how I should get over all his lies when she barely knows the truth herself)
he is always cancelling our dates to see her.
She always wanted more time, he was seeing her twice a week sometimes 3 and me once.
Today she messaged me again, I explained everything and she told me she had asked him to move in with her and he had said yes.
She said "sorry but I love him so much and I feel like I could do with having a better routine with him, i think a few weeks of living with him would be good for us"
The plan was to move in together before my daughter started school and I was going to go back to school, I have no problem with them together and he would have got to see her more and I would have had more freedom too (currently in the middle of nowhere)


I just feel heartbroken and snubbed. He has been with her for 2 months, I am always as accommodating as possible, constantly compromising but the two of them are so selfish.
I have tried to be honest and communicate, I'm not jealous when he goes to see her but obviously feel hurt when he cancels on me.
We only went to the cinema for the first time last week.
they both have very big problems with empathy, she has none due to being austistic and he is also on the spectrum. They are both very intelligent though and very manipulative.
If I want to do anything and it's not o.k he emotionally manipulates me into not.
She has 0 respect for mine and his relationship and before the last week I did of there's and even after she had me in tears I didn't ask him to stop seeing her.
I just wanted my birthday as a special day between us, he nor she see anything wrong with it and say i'm over sensitive.

As a usually monogamous person I have been constantly changing and opening my mind to new ideas since this started.
I don't know what to do now he is moving in with her instead of me.
I wish I hadn't let him into my life in a way.
I definitely think polyamory can work but not when people are so selfish and dishonest.

I say no to him spending too much money on me because I know he is saving up for things that make him happy, him being happy is important to me.
She is constantly trying to rinse money out of him.
If anyone has any advice that would be amazing, I know I have made many mistakes which I hold my hands up to but her telling me I can't throw my toys out of the pram when I don't get my own way is insulting, he says he loves me but never compromises for me, I am the only one making any sacrifices here. She says I can't handle a poly relationship, but neither seems to appreciate it doesn't come naturally to me.
She keeps trying to psychoanalyse me yet she doesn't understand emotions and even told me she doesn't care and that i'm hassle
Feeling very lonely right now
 
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So you think there is no saving it at all?
If it were possible how would I go about it when his new gf has made it very clear to me she doesn't want me around.
I have stopped reading facebook now, I guess I am just upset as I have given him so many chances and I do a couple of things and he won't look past them.
I don't see why he could look past her doing what she did to me but can't look past my indiscretions?
I wouldn't say I was unkind to him, I just needed to know the truth and I wasn't getting it from him. but I would agree on the incompatible part.
I don't say anything in private I wouldn't say to someones face.
I would love to find a way to rebuild trust between all three of us (his other gf is a very interesting and intelligent girl) but it feels like an uphill struggle I am fighting on my own. I don't put limits on their relationship apart from asking him to have protected sex with her, though I have said if he wants unprotected with her then I will use things with him. He says he doesn't want that, neither does she.
My birthday was the only day I wanted to have real alone time with him.
I have seen them having sex and being intimate with each other and was happy for them, but I don't like being pushed out.
And despite their words I am being.
I just guess I want some advice on where to go from here.
thanks for the honesty.
 
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Why would you tolerate/invite such drama into your life?

There are good men out there.
 
Because we did have (I didn't know he wasn't being truthful) many many good months together, 9 months before I found out everything.
When things were good they were amazing and I was happier than I have ever been before.
I'm pretty loyal and have always been one to give people chance after chance after chance.
I know there are good men :( I am friends with many :)
I'm not scared of being alone, I've been single for more of my dating life than not, after an intense relationship I always take time to make to ground myself.
I just feel he has made such an impact to mine and my daughters life.
He is ten years older than me and I have never felt so connected to someone in a relationship, we can talk without him mocking me or becoming violent.
Those things should be standard I know but in past relationships they weren't.
His other partner says I am too guarded and push people away.
I am actually the opposite.
I guess I'm just too naive and stupid.
 
MsAndry said:
. . . I have never felt so connected to someone in a relationship, we can talk without him mocking me or becoming violent.
Click to expand...
His behaviors you described in your first post did mock you, and disrespect you.

MsAndry said:
I guess I'm just too naive and stupid.
Click to expand...
No, not stupid. You just don't want to lose. However, looking at your scenario from the outside, I see that you would lose far too much by staying. You've already lost a lot. Grab hold of yourself, stop this mmental masturbation, and walk away without looking back.
 
nycindie said:
No, not stupid. You just don't want to lose. However, looking at your scenario from the outside, I see that you would lose far too much by staying. You've already lost a lot. Grab hold of yourself, stop this mmental masturbation, and walk away without looking back.
Click to expand...

I second that. You don't trust him and he doesn't respect you. Don't waste any more of your precious time. Walk away!
 
I'm in agreement with everyone else. This guy is manipulative, disrespectful and almost comedically dishonest. Nothing he has done up to this point warrant you spending another moment of effort on him.
 
Agreed. You've described a relationship with a regular pattern of deceit and mental/emotional manipulation. You were happy with him before you knew, but in that time, he was lying to you. There's no honesty, no basis to trust there.

I'm all for loyalty, but not in the face of dishonesty, particularly habitual dishonesty. It doesn't warrant. A lack of trust destroys trust and breaks loyalty, IMHO. YMMV.

But I'd recommend letting him go onto someone else, and finding someone who will be honest with you and deserve your loyalty. Poly, mono, or other.
 
Agreeing with everyone else. He has lied to you. He has allowed his other partner to be abusive to you. He has condoned her behavior, at the very least by not stopping it.

You say you've had good times with him, and that your past relationships have included mockery and violence. I am so sorry you've been through that. I can empathize.

However... just because you perceive this relationship as "better" than your previous ones does not mean it's a GOOD relationship. You deserve a partner who will acknowledge and honor your needs and requests, as you would do for him. You deserve a partner who treats you with respect and honesty, and it doesn't sound like this guy is doing so.

And above and beyond what *you* deserve... you say you have children. I can empathize with that too; I was a single mom for almost three years between marriages. Your children will learn from what they observe you doing. You have let this man into *their* lives as well as your own; is he someone you want helping you raise your children? Consider the possibility that if you have daughters, they will see how this man treats you and might figure that's how men are supposed to treat women. (Kids learn what they live...) If you have sons, consider the possibility they might believe it's okay for them to treat women the way this guy is treating you.

If you can't find it in yourself to believe that you deserve better than this guy is giving you, think about what your children deserve. And then say goodbye to this man, and trust and believe that when you're ready (not necessarily when you *think* you're ready, but when you truly are), you will find the man who will be kind, honest, and respectful to you and your kids. This guy you're talking about here? He ain't it.
 
No, you cannot do anything to "save" this relationship. He's not relationship material, poly or otherwise.
 
Don't give in to the "sunk cost" fallacy, where you feel you've put so much effort and/or time into something, that it would be somehow wrong to end it now.

If it's wrong for you now (and I agree with what everyone here has said), then it's wrong for you. Period. Regardless of what it was like before.

Much, much easier said than done, I know. Especially when kids are attached. I divorced my ex 2-1/2 years ago, and it took over a year for me to really feel that our daughters are better off seeing us both happier APART.

Best of luck...
 
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Be loyal to yourself. You have an obligation to you to be the best person you can possibly be. Take this as the valuable learning experience it is, learn the lessons, and move on. Yes, you have kids together and so you and he will be in each other's lives in some way forever now, that does not mean you deserve to be treated in this way. You deserve better. Your children deserve a mommy who can model for them how people treat each other well in relationships. Best of luck. I am pulling for you.
 
Thank you all for the advice.
He's not my daughters father. I definitely need to stand my ground when he returns from holiday, we both do deserve better.
I guess I had been thinking this but didn't want to admit it to myself.
He's better but that's not really enough.
 
I would have cut things off simply for the fact that he invited a stranger into YOUR home while he was supposed to be watching the kids. That is WAY over the line! I've taken a lot of crap from partners in the past, but if someone put my kids at risk I would burn him down. That is completely unacceptable. I say lose this scumbag. He doesn't respect you and is clearly only out for himself.
 
Ugh, his other gf WORE YOUR SHOES to have SEX with him? *shudder*

He invited her into YOUR home under the pretense of babysitting your kid? *puke*

Don't Skype him on his birthday. Don't talk to him til he gets back. Then, break up. Clean break. He's an asshole. A lying cheating asshole.

And those assholes will turn super nice as soon as you put your foot down. Don't fall for it. He'll be back to his assaholic ways in a week or so.
 
All I will say is to consider this saying: We teach people how to treat us.

You say your less than great behaviors (checking messages that are not yours for example) only started when you began to doubt his honesty. I will take you at your word on this - but it sounds like previous relationships may have supplied you with your self worth prior to this one. Thus, those past relationships maybe playing some role in why you would allow yourself to stay with a man that sure seems to be less than honest when it comes to his relationships. It's all about how you choose to view yourself. Are you someone who will stay around to be disrespected in order to maintain a relationship that was based on lies to begin with?

In regards to how he treats this other woman - could it perhaps be how you are choosing to view their relationship? Meaning, just because she is living in denial herself, doesn't it seem he is or he will eventually treat her exactly as he is treating you (perhaps when you are not in the picture and are no longer the long term relationship - and she is - and he finds other people to date (who he will eventually treat badly as well)? Perhaps you two are viewing each other as the enemy, when really, you both have a lot in common - the same relationship with the same lying jerk.
 
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I only checked after a girl came forward and told me everything, she showed me texts between them where he invited him over but I agree I have been letting him treat me this way and that's why he has been.
Before she told me he invited her round I felt very gas lit and worried I was losing the plot because I thought "no one would ever invite someone round to mine surely that's crazy"

I have definitely had problems in the past with doubting my intuition. But wasn't a phone/facebook/email checker.
It happened once 7 years ago with an ex I was friends with. I got a funny feeling that day, checked for the first time ever and he was arranging to meet a friend of mine (from when i was less choosy about who I trusted) that day and had met her the day before, me and him are very good friends now.

But self worth wise I had spent a while single was very confident and had regained all my Independence, we went to many events separately and I never worried or wondered what he was doing, it wasn't until I moved closer and he still barely had time to see me that I thought things might be amis and then he started acting strange.
I just need to listen to myself more

I did try to be friends with this girl but we may have dating the jerk in common and a similar sense of humour but I would never abuse someone let alone someone important to someone I cared about in their own home. And I certainly wouldn't stay for 3 hours after I was asked to leave.

If it weren't for him I would probably have never met her, my friends are all quite selfless, empathic, kind, those are the sort of people I chose as friends, I trust them all.
Me and her may one day be acquaintances who say high but after the highly emotionally abuse she flung at me in my home I would never trust her as a friend.

IF only I could chose partners so wisely.
Definitely going to be much more careful in future.

I told him it was over and why, he just said he wasn't moving in with her (just staying for 2 weeks fair enough)
He completely ignored everything else and said fine if that's what I wanted.

That says it all for me.
 
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MsAndry said:
Because we did have (I didn't know he wasn't being truthful) many many good months together, 9 months before I found out everything.
Click to expand...

It hurts, but what felt so "good" about those months, was all make-believe.
Because-he WAS LYING the whole time.
The fact that you hadn't figured that out yet, doesn't change the fact that he was lying.

What you were experiencing-and what was REALLY going on-were different.

So the real question is,
Do you really want a relationship with someone who is the person you now KNOW he is.
Because who he is, the relationship type he's willing to give you, is what you had for those 9 months-when you THOUGHT it was wonderful-but in truth he was lying to you.

or

Would you rather walk away from that and find someone who can give you 9+ wonderful months-that are real and not make believe?
 
MsAndry said:
my friends are all quite selfless, empathic, kind, those are the sort of people I chose as friends, I trust them all.


IF only I could chose partners so wisely.
Click to expand...

These two things-go together.
If you choose friends well (I can only assume that what you say is true obviously-cause I don't know you);
Then choose your partners from people you would have as friends.
Choose partners that your friends also like and get along with.
Choose partners that "click" with the type of people you choose as friends.
 
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