Couple new to poly has a date with a woman, wants advice

A

adventurecouple

New member
Hello all,

I would like to introduce myself and ask for some suggestions for this group.

My wife and I have always been interested in women, as a couple. We've had a few threesomes over the years but they were one-offs; there was nothing wrong with the encounters -- in fact, they were quite enjoyable -- but they were not quite what we were looking for.

About us: I work as a pilot. My wife homeschools our two young children (10 and 8). We both have had traditional upbringings in conservative families. From the outside we would appear to be a completely normal American family. Politically, we are fiscally conservative, socially liberal people, and we don't subscribe to any religion, although our families do.

A few days ago, my wife finally connected with a woman. A very YOUNG woman, actually (we're both 39; she's 22). To be honest, so did I... we're both smitten with her, and I think she really likes us, too. She's mature and well-centered for her age, a recent college graduate and X-ray technician. We're both incredibly attracted to her physically and personality-wise.

This is a very different situation for us than past encounters because there appears to be both a physical and POTENTIALLY emotional connection, although we haven't really 'gone there' yet, and it's really early in the process. We've never once discussed the idea of an actual 'poly' relationship, although I know we've both thought about it. My wife is very practical, and probably has mostly discounted anything other than fleeting "mini-relationships" centered on physical attraction until now. I have no idea how such a thing could work with kids, and I know our families would be shocked and likely put a great deal of pressure on us to reject such a lifestyle as unhealthy.

I'm at a crossroads with this from a high level; how things might work with this young woman, I don't know. We have a 'date' in a few days, and we can't wait, of course, but regardless of how that goes, the cynical/rational part of me says this will most likely not be a long-term opportunity simply based on the factors at play (our marital status, family and age vs. hers, etc.) I'm looking at this opportunity beyond the obvious immediate impact and considering what might happen next.

I feel like the addition of another woman to our relationship would make me very happy... I've always wanted something like this, beyond the obvious physical aspect. I'm attracted to the concept of three people who love each other and want to be around each other. That would be very fulfilling to me. I think it would make my wife happy too, but she might have to overcome some jealousy issues. Whereas I feel absolutely unthreatened (in fact, invigorated) in her interest in women, her reciprocal view is somewhat guarded.

I want to give voice to my interest in seeking out a true poly relationship. My wife and I have talked many times about looking for a long-term "girlfriend" but until now I believe my wife has always thought of it as looking for a willing sexual partner. I'm wondering how to broach the subject. I'm also wondering if there are any other couples out there like us, with very traditional professional and family lives, who are trying to figure out where they fall in the poly spectrum.

Insight/suggestions on how to traverse this rocky initial ground would be very welcome. Thank you in advance.
 
Greetings adventurecouple,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Whether it's from the idea lurking just under the conscious surface, or from not daring to state the too-good-to-be true, I think you're hoping that this young woman you've met will turn out to be the lifetime partner you and your wife have been dreaming of. I think I'd feel like that if I were in your shoes. And at some point along the way I kind of hope you'll give voice to that, find out if the two women feel at all the same.

Polyamory isn't a simple or free way to conduct relationships; there are costs of admission and you must make every effort to see that it is a positive facet in your children's lives.

It's a topic that's (more than once) come up for discussion in "Wide Awake;" you should check it out, especially:

All said and done, I feel that you should follow your heart on this one. Let there be challenges! Love is worth it.

For the moment, go slow and communicate productively. Continue to seek the advice of the wide range of members on this site. Explore our various threads and boards. There is much to be learned.

Glad to have you amongst us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi and welcome.

You mention a lot about what you would want, and what your wife would want, and how exciting it would be to "add" another woman to your marriage (though it doesn't really work that way, you know).

My question is this: what do you each have to offer a young woman who gets involved emotionally and physically with you both? In other words, think seriously and deeply about what's in it for her, not just for you and your wife.
 
nycindie said:
Hi and welcome.

You mention a lot about what you would want, and what your wife would want, and how exciting it would be to "add" another woman to your marriage (though it doesn't really work that way, you know).

My question is this: what do you each have to offer a young woman who gets involved emotionally and physically with you both? In other words, think seriously and deeply about what's in it for her, not just for you and your wife.
Click to expand...

That's a fair and sobering point. It's easy to think selfishly about this.

I think we do have a lot to offer, though. We're adventurous. We travel. We're fitness-oriented. We enjoy challenges in life, as well as the rewards for meeting those challenges. Whoever would join us would be exposed to all of that, and ideally enhance the package with her own interests.

The downside (if one has to look at it that way) is it would be difficult to truly integrate that kind of relationship into our everyday life. I'm a successful professional, we have traditional families. I already alluded to these issues in my initial post. I do not know the solution to these problems at the moment. I think everything is surmountable, eventually, one way or the other. I was hoping to get guidance from someone who's gone through the gauntlet and come up with solutions, creative or otherwise, for making this work for everyone. I definitely don't want to take advantage of anyone for my (our) own benefit.
 
Im sure a lot of women wouldn't like living in the closet with partners that they are in love with but im sure there has to be some out there who needs discretion for their own reasons. Because of those reasons (need to bot be open about the nature of your relationship) will potential mates be able to maintain relationships outside of your relationship?
 
Inyourendo said:
Im sure a lot of women wouldn't like living in the closet with partners that they are in love with but im sure there has to be some out there who needs discretion for their own reasons. Because of those reasons (need to bot be open about the nature of your relationship) will potential mates be able to maintain relationships outside of your relationship?
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Thanks for the reply. I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I think it would have to be a very open, very unlimited relationship if that is what she wanted. Would I rather that it just be the three of us? Well, certainly, but I don't want to hold someone's life up, either. We've already had a lot of adventures, and she hasn't. It wouldn't be fair to take that from her.
 
Hi adventurecouple dude.

You are right to be cautious and looking for advice. A triad is the hardest way to do poly, and yet, it's the most common way newbie couples attempt to do it.

The hangup about triads is how the love between the 3 individuals will usually vary. Often it seems great at the beginning, especially if the 3way sex goes well at first. But then emotions come into play, shake down, and quite often one or the other of the original couple will find themselves more in love with new person than the other member of the couple is. And/or, new person will find herself more in love with one or the other of the couple.

Then good old third wheel syndrome kicks in.

Do a tag search here for triad, triads, unicorns, unicorn hunters, to learn from others' mistakes.

Also, read up on "secondaries" at morethantwo.com.
 
Thanks to all who replied.

We have good communication, which helps, I think. At this early juncture there's just a mad rush to get a lot of pent-up "wanting" taken care of -- probably moreso for my wife than me. As mentioned earlier, though we've experienced hookups here and there over the years, there's never been this direct, all-consuming 'connection' that has been formed. My wife has always been a bit guarded; early on she would constantly watch my reaction to everything, try to place me at the center of the action. Now she has made a personal connection with a girl who she is also very attracted to. To say that she is hot and bothered is a huge understatement.

I think I'll try to let this develop a few paces and re-evaluate. I know what I want, I know what my wife wants, and I believe the same to be at least on the table for our new friend. But I don't want to set expectations and have anyone be disappointed.

I appreciate the reading suggestions very much.

Thanks all!
 
Go slowly and cautiously. There are many stumbling blocks in from of you but if you three will communicate, communicate and communicate some more it can work.

We are in year three working for a fourth, it has taken us that long to get a lot of kinks worked out. We started as a triad, have all dated outside of the triad, and retracted back to the three of us, not that others are off limits but right now we are finally settling in.to what we think is a normal life.

There will be jealousy, loneliness, and unique troubles you never even conceived as a possible. Take time to read and study and reflect on things before you react or overreact.

Finally, try and put yourself in the third persons place, I think if you can and are willing to live together as a triad once you get to that point I would recommend it, for the simple fact that you hit a wall in the development or growth of the triad if you don't and if/when there is a fight it's easy to team up with your spouse because the third part is not around, they will be cut out of the heard easily, but in an unintentional way. It makes it tough especially if there are children around, but it helps with the bonding of the three of you.

Good luck, and enjoy the ride.
 
Wow. Date night was last night.

It was not what I expected. The good: she's amazing to look at, she's funny, and fun to be around. Also good: she wanted to have a normal 'first date'. Nothing crazy happened. At all. In this day and age, there's something to be said for that, when you evaluate the totality of a person.

The surprise: she likes my wife a lot more than me! Or at least that's the way this is headed. She's never been with a woman. (Did NOT know that before we set up the date.) That part is very intriguing to her.

My surprise: I hadn't expected to feel this way, but I got a tiny taste of the jealousy/disproportionate aspects of what a triad might be like. I have to admit I started feeling a bit like a third wheel -- a bit awkward. I'm sure they weren't trying to make me feel that way, but I did.

I feel sort of like I peeked around Oz's curtain and caught a glimpse of something a tad deflating. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but wow, you can go off the rails here so quickly. We will see her again, and I suspect the attraction between us (well, mostly between her and my wife) will play out physically. I've always promised my wife that would be okay, and clearly I can put the brakes on this if I wanted to -- I don't -- so my feelings are being chiefly considered, which I appreciate. But I do feel a tiny tinge of jealousy right out of the gates, and I hadn't expected to feel that way. Jealousy -- not *of* my wife or *of* this girl, but that I wasn't the object of their affection and interest. That's a selfish, but true admission. I'm happy that my wife has this chance (correction, that WE have this chance) but I can see it will be hard to make this work, eventually, long-term with someone. Ivette is young, gorgeous, has lots of opportunities. Those will snatch her up sooner than later. This is a curiosity for her. But there are other women out there I'd like us to date, women who might be a bit more mature (22 is awfully young, wow) and open to a true emotional/physical triad.

Thanks for listening.
 
You feel envy, perhaps.

So, what is the plan? Even though there was no spark from new girl towards you, there is going to be a 3way sex date next anyway?

What if the two women want to have one on one dates? You're going to veto?
 
But there are other women out there I'd like us to date, women who might be a bit more mature (22 is awfully young, wow) and open to a true emotional/physical triad.
Click to expand...

I think that's a little unfair to Ivette. What do you consider a "true" triad? One where all three people love each other and want each other absolutely equally? People here will tell you from experience, it's highly unlikely there's such a thing. Ivette and your wife have more of a connection than you and Ivette. You've got more of a connection to your wife than to Ivette. It doesn't mean you and Ivette can't have a relationship, it just might not be the same as what she has with your wife. Won't it hurt both Ivette and your wife if you write her off as un unsuitable "unicorn" and go off in search of a woman whose more into you?

I sympathize because when I was her age, I was the "third wheel" in a triad. I was in love with the woman, and I also slept with her boyfriend, usually only during threesomes. She was my girlfriend and my love, and he and I were close friends who sometimes had sex. She slept between us every night. I was heavily in the relationship for a year and a half. I would have been heartbroken if they had ended it with me to look for a "better" third.
 
Yes, you're right. It's envy, not jealousy.

It's not quite correct to say there's no spark between me and her. There was touching, admiring of bodies, flirtatious talk, that kind of thing. And she made it a point to ask us both back out. So I'm overstating it a bit. But I really think she's a lot more into my wife than she is into me.

Pretty sure (not positive) that threesome sex is a definite possibility on the next date. I mean, maybe I'm not reading it right, but I'd be surprised if I was misinterpreting her. Maybe I am. She's not quite sure what she wants either. Lots of dancing around subjects, little probes into things, quick retreats.

I'm not going to veto a one-on-one date. That would be OK with me. I'd just be envious. :)

I'm deciding to look at all of this in a positive light. It's a unique opportunity. There's a huge physical attraction there. Whatever happens, happens. I'm not pinning anything on this. It's just a fun fantasy to live out, something a lot of people don't get a chance to do. My professional world is extremely conservative, and just dipping our toes into this lifestyle is extremely exciting and liberating. All good things. :)
 
LoveBunny said:
I think that's a little unfair to Ivette. What do you consider a "true" triad? One where all three people love each other and want each other absolutely equally? People here will tell you from experience, it's highly unlikely there's such a thing. Ivette and your wife have more of a connection than you and Ivette. You've got more of a connection to your wife than to Ivette. It doesn't mean you and Ivette can't have a relationship, it just might not be the same as what she has with your wife. Won't it hurt both Ivette and your wife if you write her off as un unsuitable "unicorn" and go off in search of a woman whose more into you?

I sympathize because when I was her age, I was the "third wheel" in a triad. I was in love with the woman, and I also slept with her boyfriend, usually only during threesomes. She was my girlfriend and my love, and he and I were close friends who sometimes had sex. She slept between us every night. I was heavily in the relationship for a year and a half. I would have been heartbroken if they had ended it with me to look for a "better" third.
Click to expand...

Good points - thank you. Your first comment about having a relationship that might be 'different' struck a chord with me. It's true, I always sort of visualized this happy threesome of people that cared for each other equally, but that's an ideal which may simply be unlikely if not impossible. I should open my mind to the possibility that I might have a relationship with her too, that is simply 'different'.

I love my wife very much and if this is going to make her happy, then I'm going to be happy too. I don't feel at all threatened by women or her interest in them. As Magdlyn correctly ascertained, I'm simply envious.
 
There's definitely more to all of this than meets the eye. I see now why all of you advocate caution and slow pace. There's a lot of difficult-to-navigate terrain here. I'm grateful that there are others willing to provide suggestions and assistance. Please keep it coming. Thank you.
 
I haven't chimed in for awhile because the others have covered the bases pretty well, but if you'll keep us posted on how things are going, I'm sure more suggestions and assistance will be forthcoming.

Sometimes poly can be hard work. But, it's usually worth it.
 
The latest -- my wife and our new friend are going to have a solo date. :) I suggested it, actually. I think our friend will be more comfortable. She's completely new to all of this, including the female interest aspect, so I think this will help keep her from feeling overwhelmed. And I'm completely fine with it.
 
Okay, so we are Unicorn Hunters. Got it. I think.

Okay, this is something I suppose is worth talking about. There seems to be a learning curve that most of you experienced folks see us new people on, with some degree of weariness and frustration. Perhaps you see a predetermined outcome based on our (perhaps) foolish desires and clumsy advances.

Look, most of that discussion presented in the article you posted is very interesting and worthwhile to read, but we're nowhere near that point. We haven't defined any goals or even stated that there's a definitive interest in a poly relationship. It's just hanging out and flirting. All three of us have no clue about what will happen.

This is in "one day at a time" mode and like I said at the outset... Ivette is probably not going to be our "Unicorn" (feels weird using this terminology, by the way.) I'm not down on her in any way, she's great, but I see the future and I think that includes a person with a bit more life experience who has more in common with us than she does. But if we all have an enjoyable experience from which we can grow, who knows where it will go and what will happen?

I just don't see the need to get too heavy with this yet. We've never had a relationship like that with another woman (beyond sex) and we're just getting a hint of what it's like by going on dates with Ivette. And we haven't even gotten to first base yet, so to say that it's "early" in the process is an understatement.

So, please go easy on me. I respect everyone's experience and value the input, but we've got a ways to go before we make a formal attempt at starting a true triad.
 
It's a helpful, long and detailed article. It's worth a read, I think. I wish it was written back when my ex and I were clumsily being unicorn hunters.

I know you don't know what will happen with Ivette. Being polyamorous is NOT about 3some SEX. It means loving more than one. If you don't fall in love with her, and vice versa, you might end up only FWBs. Or polite metamours. But if the 2 women are really into each other and you feel envious, you might change your mind about trying to date as a couple at all, as the article suggests at the end.

I am not judging you or trying to be "hard" on you. You can take or leave anyone's suggestions, ignore the pitfalls of unicorn hunting, make your mistakes, or maybe be one in 10,000 who finds a unicorn with all the factors you and your wife need in another love interest.
 
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