In need of some serious advice

[Revstevep]

I'm new to the poly lifestyle with my g/f and her husband who have been poly for about a year. I come from a very srict monogomus background and just can't seem to comprehend her possibility to want a 3rd b/f. I've been told and read where iit doesn'ty mean that I'm not enough but that she is wired to look for others to fulfill the needs that are not met as a poly. Where I'm use to being the only thing my partner has ever needed. It makes me feel like I should be doing more to meet her needs so she won't have or feel the need to look for anyone else. Can anyone help me with this? Any Ideas?

 

[bookbug]

I'm new to the poly lifestyle with my g/f and her husband who have been poly for about a year. I come from a very srict monogomus background and just can't seem to comprehend her possibility to want a 3rd b/f. I've been told and read where iit doesn'ty mean that I'm not enough but that she is wired to look for others to fulfill the needs that are not met as a poly. Where I'm use to being the only thing my partner has ever needed. It makes me feel like I should be doing more to meet her needs so she won't have or feel the need to look for anyone else. Can anyone help me with this? Any Ideas?

While it may be true that in poly relationships one partner may fulfill needs that another doesn't, in my experience it is simply about loving more than one person.

Think about your close friends. You no doubt love them all in some way, shape or form. They are all different and unique. And cool, you can have as many as you want because no one is saying you are allowed to have only one friend. Same can be said of romantic love. Some are just prone to deeply loving more than one for the unique person that each is. Not a competition. Not necessarily about unmet needs - although some do seem to simply have a need for variety.

Our society indoctrinates us to believe that if our partners love someone else than that has to mean they are dissatisfied with us. Where is the logic in that. We do not operate this way in any other facet of our lives. Why should we operate that way where romantic love is concerned?

Simplistically, just because you like peaches, does that mean you should no longer like strawberries and bananas, and commit to peaches only?

 

[Revstevep]

I understand that, but it's hard for my mind to comprehend this. I'm stuck in that frame of mind, how do I reprogram my head?

 

[bookbug]

I understand that, but it's hard for my mind to comprehend this. I'm stuck in that frame of mind, how do I reprogram my head?

You have logic and you have emotions. In my experience, if I logically believe something to be true, then I can work to change my emotional response. However, if I understand a premise, but I don't believe the premise, then it is impossible to change my emotional response.

What I hear you saying is that you understand the premise. The next question is do you believe it?

 

[IndieSolo]

I'm use to being the only thing my partner has ever needed. It makes me feel like I should be doing more to meet her needs so she won't have or feel the need to look for anyone else. Can anyone help me with this? Any Ideas?

Let go of wanting to live your life for someone else. Be yourself. Finding happiness and fulfillment in your life is an inside job and shouldn't be dependent upon if another person needs you or not.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Revstevep,

It sounds like you are struggling with the concept of polyamory and may be hard-wired for exclusive monogamy. But I have to ask, how did you come to be involved with a girlfriend who already had a husband? Wouldn't that have made you feel inadequate (I'm not meeting all her needs, she needs a husband to meet the rest of her needs) right from the get-go?

Do you have a problem with her being married?

Your best chance of reprogramming your head is probably just to keep having conversations with people here on this forum. You need to get used to the way various poly people think. It will help remove some of the mystery from poly as you see it. Sometimes we fear the unknown.

Spending time with your girlfriend and her husband (both separately and together) should also help. But you should probably keep in mind that reprogramming doesn't happen overnight. You probably have decades of monogamy programming to undo. If you can undo it in a couple of years that's actually pretty speedy.

Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear.
Anyway, we're here to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Inyourendo]

Does she have time for more partners?

 

[Magdlyn]

Let go of wanting to live your life for someone else. Be yourself. Finding happiness and fulfillment in your life is an inside job and shouldn't be dependent upon if another person needs you or not.

This is true, to a point. Humans are social animals and have a real need for bonding and communicating with loved ones. (Unless you're a sociopath.) Heck, this need is built into our hormones. Infant humans and monkeys will die if they don't get enough touch and hugs. Adults get lonely too.

No wo/man is an island.

Does she have time for more partners?

Good question. In polyamory, there is much focus on the fun part, falling in love and lust with more than one. But when the rubber meets the road, loving many doesn't work unless you're a damned good hinge. Boundaries, schedules and many other things need to be constantly checked to keep everyone feeling nurtured, or something is gonna fall apart.

Figuratively speaking, any rock a poly person throws will cause ripples throughout her polycule. So, be careful where you throw your rocks, and how hard... Or someone is going to get swamped.

 

[IndieSolo]

Let go of wanting to live your life for someone else. Be yourself. Finding happiness and fulfillment in your life is an inside job and shouldn't be dependent upon if another person needs you or not.

This is true, to a point. Humans are social animals and have a real need for bonding and communicating with loved ones. (Unless you're a sociopath.) Heck, this need is built into our hormones. Infant humans and monkeys will die if they don't get enough touch and hugs. Adults get lonely too.

No wo/man is an island.

I never said we shouldn't want love and connection with people. I said don't live your life for someone else, and don't make fulfilling someone else's needs your main goal. The OP said he has always been "everything" his past partners needed and he feels like he is inadequate in some way if his current gf needs things from others. I think, if she keeps wanting to spend time with him and continue the relationship, that is evidence that she wants to be with him, whatever her reasons are. But trying to make sure he fulfills all her needs so she won't want to be with anyone else is not only futile, it would hamper his self-esteem when it backfires and doesn't accomplish what he wants. Hence, my advice to not focus so much on meeting her needs as a way of being reassured that the relationship is working, but to find other ways and signs to know it is.

 

[Magdlyn]

OK, that makes sense. Thanks.