backestobasics
New member
Okay, so I’ve spent the last couple hours writing a post on here that disappeared when my internet crashed. This is important to me so I’m writing again but this will be more condensed and not near as eloquent. I’ll do my best to maintain the posts humanity and emotion in what will likely be a more summary based post. (this time copying and pasting from a word doc)
After 3 years of marriage I’ve come to truly believe I’m poly. (Its terrifying to discover this while being in the biggest forms of mono relationships)
This is why I believe I’m so late to discover I’m poly…
1. Grew up in a strong catholic family that would surely associate poly with insanity and sin. (to talk about something like this you have to both understand and accept)
2. The nations clear social bias to mono relationships
3. Self understanding comes with time, some of the most important work doesn’t start until your 20’s are later. (for me at least)
I love my wife and while it was scary to understand this new discovery about myself I was anxious to share this with her. I wanted her to understand who I was. And at the stage of where I was I had done a lot of research on the positives and negatives of a poly relationship. But of course there was fear she would have negative feelings towards me because of it.
There were some reasons that made me think she may react positively (to me ”positive” meant accepting me for who I am even if she doesn’t agree with the lifestyle)
1. She is Bi and with my permission has had a sexual encounter with another woman (was not long term)
2. She has had a three some with me and my male best friend. She encouraged these encounters and I found pleasure from it (I’m not gay, I’m not attracted to the male form, I’m also not homophobic. I do love seeing a woman pleased, and while I can do that on my own a mfm offers several more opportunities.)
3. She is fairly against religion and therefore doesn’t have moral holdups based on religion.
But I was also aware of these things which could turn her response negative
1. She has social disorders and depression which heighten fears of abandonment and jealousy
2. We had recently had some troubles in our marriage
3. She was 2 months pregnant.
I know the negative items are some pretty tough stuff to get around but the more I understood myself the less is seemed like poly was a choice. It seemed like I was built as a poly. So it was either ignore my feelings or tell her. As a couple at the time we were also working on honesty and telling her seemed like an important step in that. So I did…
I stayed up late one night for hours writing to her about how I felt I was poly. About how it could help us, me and her. To me this was not an ultimatum letter. I did not tell her to take it or leave it. In fact I was careful to tell her that if she didn’t think something like this would work I understood and would still be there.
Using her words a summary of her response was
1. I accept who you are
2. I do not want that kind of lifestyle.
However her actions afterwords were to on multiple occasions
1. Accuse me of trying to use poly to sleep with whoever I wanted
2. Accuse me of trying to use poly to find someone to replace her
On multiple occasions during these feelings she offered me what she called a “free pass”. The first time, I mistook this as her having accepted poly but not having the verbiage down. However, when I tried to hug her immediately after that conversation she stated that I don’t get to do that anymore as if whatever this free pass was to her meant that we weren’t an emotional couple. So I shut the idea down immediately as it was clearly far from what I wanted. There was no point to me having a poly relationship if we can’t share and bring back those experiences to build us as people.
So I let it go, trying hard to not say anything that even hinted at poly possibilities (as to not set her off). I’m sure I wasn’t 100% successful in that endeavor but it was my goal. That’s the way its been for a long time.
But recently. Shortly after one of the threesomes I had with her and my best friend. She and my best friend started texting, he was telling her that he wished she was poly so they could have encounters alone (Did not suggest or tell him to do that, that would be manipulative) I found out one night about the conversation when she told me about it and said she was considering it. I’m sure I became excited sooner than I should of. The conversation quickly turned to the idea that she agreed that she would have benefit in the encounters but could not handle the jealousy associated with any encounters I might have. The notion disturbed me but seeing no positive place to progress from that I did not continue any poly discussion. However I guess from the guilt she might of felt she offered me another free pass and then went to her parents saying she felt weird.
I talked to her about not using this free pass. She said I should, that I just want to replace her and sleep with a bunch of women and I should just do it. Eventually I got her to come back when I reminded her that in no way did I offer her an ultimatum and that the only reason poly came up recently is because she mentioned it. I told her I can’t hide who I am but I don’t have to act on poly desires….. and that’s how I’ve been living.
And that’s where I am today. Except after that last argument I feel more depressed than usual this week.
I feel insulted that she keeps calling poly a “free pass”.
I feel guilty for ever bring it up in the first place and for being who I am.
I feel guilty for that she has social disorders.
I still don’t feel accepted, I feel closeted.
And I’m lost…
After 3 years of marriage I’ve come to truly believe I’m poly. (Its terrifying to discover this while being in the biggest forms of mono relationships)
This is why I believe I’m so late to discover I’m poly…
1. Grew up in a strong catholic family that would surely associate poly with insanity and sin. (to talk about something like this you have to both understand and accept)
2. The nations clear social bias to mono relationships
3. Self understanding comes with time, some of the most important work doesn’t start until your 20’s are later. (for me at least)
I love my wife and while it was scary to understand this new discovery about myself I was anxious to share this with her. I wanted her to understand who I was. And at the stage of where I was I had done a lot of research on the positives and negatives of a poly relationship. But of course there was fear she would have negative feelings towards me because of it.
There were some reasons that made me think she may react positively (to me ”positive” meant accepting me for who I am even if she doesn’t agree with the lifestyle)
1. She is Bi and with my permission has had a sexual encounter with another woman (was not long term)
2. She has had a three some with me and my male best friend. She encouraged these encounters and I found pleasure from it (I’m not gay, I’m not attracted to the male form, I’m also not homophobic. I do love seeing a woman pleased, and while I can do that on my own a mfm offers several more opportunities.)
3. She is fairly against religion and therefore doesn’t have moral holdups based on religion.
But I was also aware of these things which could turn her response negative
1. She has social disorders and depression which heighten fears of abandonment and jealousy
2. We had recently had some troubles in our marriage
3. She was 2 months pregnant.
I know the negative items are some pretty tough stuff to get around but the more I understood myself the less is seemed like poly was a choice. It seemed like I was built as a poly. So it was either ignore my feelings or tell her. As a couple at the time we were also working on honesty and telling her seemed like an important step in that. So I did…
I stayed up late one night for hours writing to her about how I felt I was poly. About how it could help us, me and her. To me this was not an ultimatum letter. I did not tell her to take it or leave it. In fact I was careful to tell her that if she didn’t think something like this would work I understood and would still be there.
Using her words a summary of her response was
1. I accept who you are
2. I do not want that kind of lifestyle.
However her actions afterwords were to on multiple occasions
1. Accuse me of trying to use poly to sleep with whoever I wanted
2. Accuse me of trying to use poly to find someone to replace her
On multiple occasions during these feelings she offered me what she called a “free pass”. The first time, I mistook this as her having accepted poly but not having the verbiage down. However, when I tried to hug her immediately after that conversation she stated that I don’t get to do that anymore as if whatever this free pass was to her meant that we weren’t an emotional couple. So I shut the idea down immediately as it was clearly far from what I wanted. There was no point to me having a poly relationship if we can’t share and bring back those experiences to build us as people.
So I let it go, trying hard to not say anything that even hinted at poly possibilities (as to not set her off). I’m sure I wasn’t 100% successful in that endeavor but it was my goal. That’s the way its been for a long time.
But recently. Shortly after one of the threesomes I had with her and my best friend. She and my best friend started texting, he was telling her that he wished she was poly so they could have encounters alone (Did not suggest or tell him to do that, that would be manipulative) I found out one night about the conversation when she told me about it and said she was considering it. I’m sure I became excited sooner than I should of. The conversation quickly turned to the idea that she agreed that she would have benefit in the encounters but could not handle the jealousy associated with any encounters I might have. The notion disturbed me but seeing no positive place to progress from that I did not continue any poly discussion. However I guess from the guilt she might of felt she offered me another free pass and then went to her parents saying she felt weird.
I talked to her about not using this free pass. She said I should, that I just want to replace her and sleep with a bunch of women and I should just do it. Eventually I got her to come back when I reminded her that in no way did I offer her an ultimatum and that the only reason poly came up recently is because she mentioned it. I told her I can’t hide who I am but I don’t have to act on poly desires….. and that’s how I’ve been living.
And that’s where I am today. Except after that last argument I feel more depressed than usual this week.
I feel insulted that she keeps calling poly a “free pass”.
I feel guilty for ever bring it up in the first place and for being who I am.
I feel guilty for that she has social disorders.
I still don’t feel accepted, I feel closeted.
And I’m lost…
