hurt, sad and looking for answers on betrayed trust

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polybynature

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Hey all. Recently things have calmed down some...though my spouse and I split...my boyfriend and I laid out our rules for being primaries and still poly. He is looking to date, I have no desire too.

We agreed that
-Knowing before he goes on a date

-contact me after the date

-introduce me to the women before you start dating 'regularly'

-put the needs of our partnership before others(ie. you have a date with tiffany planned, im very sick, or one of the kids is and I really need your help...you cancel and help me. or at least offer me that option)

-discuss it with me before you have penetration sex (ie involving your penis) with someone else. Give me a little time to feel comfortable if I can not handle you doing that yet.

-other women should know I am your partner and they can spend time/connect with you outside that but their involvement in your life will not interfere with what you have with me.

This may sound strict to some poly people, but I indentify as mono and we are trying to work this so I can have comfort, baby steps to lighter rules, and he can be poly.
Last night, a well meaning friend set up a fake dating profile and messaged him. By this AM she had gotten him to agree to meet at a hotel for sex and that he didn't need to tell his girlfriend.

My friend showed me the thread than deleted the account. Is it fair to him this happened? No. I am I very hurt and upset? Yes. I feel that broke many rules...agreeing to sex without telling me...saying he was going to not tell me of the sex....I confronted him. He admitted he had been on the fence about telling me or not and he didn't think no sex on the first date was a rule so the hotel plans were ok and he was going to MAYBE tell me about it.

I feel very hurt and betrayed and don't know if I can trust him but I love him much. Appreciate feedback from poly people....
 
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:-/ If you identify as mono, how is it that you had a boyfriend separate from your husband? I'm not sure I'm following the details. Is there another topic from earlier issues?
 
MusicalRose said:
:-/ If you identify as mono, how is it that you had a boyfriend separate from your husband? I'm not sure I'm following the details. Is there another topic from earlier issues?
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sorry about that, I was poly with my spouse. when we split up I realized I just wanted to be mono with BF.
 
A bit of a control freak are we?

Many of the demands you have are unreasonable. Don't be surprised if you are soon the ex gf.
 
Dagferi said:
A bit of a control freak are we?

Many of the demands you have are unreasonable. Don't be surprised if you are soon the ex gf.
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what was unreasonable? Everything I read on trying to navigate a mono/poly relationship was that the mono person needed to be comfortable and the poly person needed to be poly...so he gets to be poly, and I ask for boundaries he has every right to ask for negotiation on.

Not sure how else it could work
 
My mono hubands do not dictate how my other marriage functions nor place any restrictions on what I can or can not do with others whom I have relationships with.
 
I'm not sure if your friend did this fake profile at your request, but this was a trickery. I think if you're at this point, you know full well your BF is capable of what you discovered.
What you discovered is your BF is perfectly capable making agreements while having no intention to follow through. He will just tell you what you're hoping to hear but do as he wants. You are his parent figure trying to spoil his fun and he is the teenager trying to immaturely assert his solo identity.
This is an incompatibility. Why do you want a mono life from a poly person?
And seeing as he met you through a poly association, you've turned yourself into a walking talking fake dating profile.
 
Vinccenzo said:
I'm not sure if your friend did this fake profile at your request, but this was a trickery. I think if you're at this point, you know full well your BF is capable of what you discovered.
What you discovered is your BF is perfectly capable making agreements while having no intention to follow through. He will just tell you what you're hoping to hear but do as he wants. You are his parent figure trying to spoil his fun and he is the teenager trying to immaturely assert his solo identity.
This is an incompatibility. Why do you want a mono life from a poly person?
And seeing as he met you through a poly association, you've turned yourself into a walking talking fake dating profile.
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Harsh, but probably true. No I didn't set her up to it, that'd be awful. My change of heart, poly vs mono I feel is that I tried something, and for me it didn't work. but I still love the man I found through it.
 
I don't know if my POV helps you any. But I offer it. I assume your BF is generally a person of good character here.

1) Your friend has boundary issues. I certainly hope you did not send her to do her entrapment thing, but why is she getting all up in your business like that? What's she hoping to do?

2) It's fine if you and BF want to practice a primary-secondary type model to start and lead to lessening rules and some other model later. It is up to you guys to determine and agree/negotiate what model you both want to practice as you learn to be together as a (monoamorous + polyamorous) combo.

3) Did you expect it to be perfect transition though? So far he's been honest about thinking about not being honest. Don't make it hard to come to you in future by getting WAY bent out of shape now and teaching that being honest with you leads to hooha. If he's generally a person of good character and this is an honest mistake? Remember nobody is perfect right out of the gate -- people will make mistakes. At this point in time it is a mistake in judgement/temptation. It is not yet a mistake in judgement/temptation AND and affair.

4) He messed up. Could see this as opportunity to talk about how to handle mistakes in this transition -- maybe how many passes you are going to give each other as you try on these new agreements. 1? 3?

Because these agreements may or may not work for you and you won't find that out til after trying them on for a while. They might sound nice "on paper" but not "in actual life."

Because there will be a time where YOU mess up too as you transition into this new model post-divorce. There is a learning curve.

Figure out where that boundary is for this couple. Sort yourselves out.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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It sounds like you and your boyfriend really need to sit down and have an honest discussion about your desires and intentions in this relationship, and to figure out what you will and will not agree to.

If he is poly, and if he is in NRE, he may be likely to agree to things that don't settle well with him in the hope that you will change your mind eventually or just to keep from rocking the boat because he doesn't want to lose you. Actions always speak louder. He wants to keep engaging in partner seeking and may not be all that inclined to offer a hierarchical relationship to you in the long term.

If you are mono, but want to stay with a poly person, you will have to figure out what your limits are. You cannot control his behavior. You can make requests (and he can agree out of guilt or trying to avoid a fight), but at the end of the day it is always his choice whether to honor those or not. It is a huge red flag to make agreements and try to find loopholes or get around them. It tells me he is not being honest with someone (either himself and by extension you, or just to you) because his actions and his words are not lining up. It is probably a good idea to figure out what it is that would make you want to leave him. What kind of event, behavior, or situation would cause you to be done with the relationship?

You might be dealing with an incompatibility here, and that can be scary and painful, but it can't be a discussion to avoid. It will come out in actions if either of you is being dishonest with yourself or with each other.
 
Its one thing to decide for yourself that having more than one romantic association isn't desirable. You tried it and only you can say if it isn't for you.
But the BF you met while trying out poly hasn't had the same epiphany and you will only hurt the both of you to try to force him. He lied; I'm not trying to excuse it. But it is the result of you flipping the script on him.
End your marriage for your own reasons. Be mono for your own reasons. But your requested rules are the result of your choices and beyond knowing he does have other entanglements, you are trying to force your renewed mono status onto him.
Nothing wrong with being mono. But there will be a lot of disappointing wrongs trying to get him to change for your change.
 
The evidence shows that you can't control him to the level you proposed.

Do you want to be with someone that you can't control to that level?
Do you want to be with someone that you can't trust?

To some extent there's a tradeoff between control and trust. The less you attempt to control, the less you have to trust. Eventually you get down to trusting him not to intentionally hurt you. So, start at the bottom. Do you think you can trust him to not intentionally hurt you? There's no way to prove him breaking that trust, of course. No snooping is going to discover what he meant by any particular behavior. You just have to trust.

Love is nice, and all, but if your idea of a primary relationship has lots of strings attached, this isn't the guy for you.

If your idea of a primary relationship includes using less than ethical means to vindicate lack of trust, mono/poly is probably gonna be a much harder relationship structure for you than strictly monogamous. Will you and your friends will always be trying to catch your poly partner breaking your rules? Monogamous society is much better at accepting the premise that we should control our partners. Maybe you should find a nice mono boy to settle down with.
 
He shouldn't have lied, but I can't help feeling for this guy.

I think that the crux of this situation may be that he met you as a married woman in an ethically non monogamous relationship, he signed up for a polyamorous secondary relationship, and you've now become his primary monogamous girlfriend. That's a hell of a change and there seems to be an expectation from you that he just adjusts how he does things based on your rapidly changing feelings and situation. That's a little unfair.

I am not convinced that being with a polyamorous person means that they have to adjust the way they meet and build other relationships to sate your discomfort. It wouldn't be reasonable for him to ask you to only or at least have sex with other people so you behave in a way that is more poly. Whilst he may agree to it because he wants to continue your relationship, it doesn't mean it is something poly people always have to do if they want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't poly.

How many of these rules did you have with your husband when you met your boyfriend? Was your husband monogamous?

In my experience, when I've needed to tell a partner that I expect them to prioritise me above others when I am seriously ill or another rule like that, it's meant that I don't trust that the partner will make common sense calls like that. There has always been good reason for me not to trust them.

I've also had the experience of someone ensuring that this rule is formally adhered to so they can conveniently become desperately ill or otherwise in need of a partner pretty much every time we have a date. This person was also monogamous with a polyamorous person. The polyamorous person didn't get to have other relationships when they were with this monogamous person because the people they were dating soon tired of what was going on and pulled out.

I think that if you're going to accept that he is polyamorous, you should lose some of the rules, or adjust them.

Knowing before he goes on a date

Maybe instead of a rule, you could try and work on communication so you're in a place where he wants to tell you about exciting new prospects. This could be a relationship goal.

-contact me after the date

Again, maybe this could be a relationship goal. Maybe get to a place where he is so filled with joy and appreciation for you letting him be who he is, that he wants to check in after an absence. He doesn't have to.

-introduce me to the women before you start dating 'regularly'

A more realistic rule that considers her feelings might be "don't date people who refuse to ever meet me. That way, she has some input about when to meet

-put the needs of our partnership before others(ie. you have a date with tiffany planned, im very sick, or one of the kids is and I really need your help...you cancel and help me. or at least offer me that option)

If you genuinely believe your partner would put a date before you when you are genuinely deliberate for help, you should probably rethink the relationship

-discuss it with me before you have penetration sex (ie involving your penis) with someone else. Give me a little time to feel comfortable if I can not handle you doing that yet.

Maybe adjust the rule to say notice beforehand if possible, but definitely as soon as possible afterwards
. I'm not sure it's entirely reasonable that you have the final say about when he and someone else have sex. This might be something you have to accept as part of having a poly relationship

-other women should know I am your partner and they can spend time/connect with you outside that but their involvement in your life will not interfere with what you have with me.

Part of consensual non monogamy is everyone knowing about one another. I don't think it's productive to to warn them off before anything has even started

What I find especially interesting is that you haven't listed the fluid bonding agreement that you inevitably have. This shows that the rules you find important aren't about protecting you but more about limiting his relationships.
 
MightyMax said:
He shouldn't have lied, but I can't help feeling for this guy.

I think that the crux of this situation may be that he met you as a married woman in an ethically non monogamous relationship, he signed up for a polyamorous secondary relationship, and you've now become his primary monogamous girlfriend. That's a hell of a change and there seems to be an expectation from you that he just adjusts how he does things based on your rapidly changing feelings and situation. That's a little unfair.

I am not convinced that being with a polyamorous person means that they have to adjust the way they meet and build other relationships to sate your discomfort. It wouldn't be reasonable for him to ask you to only or at least have sex with other people so you behave in a way that is more poly. Whilst he may agree to it because he wants to continue your relationship, it doesn't mean it is something poly people always have to do if they want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't poly.

How many of these rules did you have with your husband when you met your boyfriend? Was your husband monogamous?

In my experience, when I've needed to tell a partner that I expect them to prioritise me above others when I am seriously ill or another rule like that, it's meant that I don't trust that the partner will make common sense calls like that. There has always been good reason for me not to trust them.

I've also had the experience of someone ensuring that this rule is formally adhered to so they can conveniently become desperately ill or otherwise in need of a partner pretty much every time we have a date. This person was also monogamous with a polyamorous person. The polyamorous person didn't get to have other relationships when they were with this monogamous person because the people they were dating soon tired of what was going on and pulled out.

I think that if you're going to accept that he is polyamorous, you should lose some of the rules, or adjust them.

Knowing before he goes on a date

Maybe instead of a rule, you could try and work on communication so you're in a place where he wants to tell you about exciting new prospects. This could be a relationship goal.

-contact me after the date

Again, maybe this could be a relationship goal. Maybe get to a place where he is so filled with joy and appreciation for you letting him be who he is, that he wants to check in after an absence. He doesn't have to.

-introduce me to the women before you start dating 'regularly'

A more realistic rule that considers her feelings might be "don't date people who refuse to ever meet me. That way, she has some input about when to meet

-put the needs of our partnership before others(ie. you have a date with tiffany planned, im very sick, or one of the kids is and I really need your help...you cancel and help me. or at least offer me that option)

If you genuinely believe your partner would put a date before you when you are genuinely deliberate for help, you should probably rethink the relationship

-discuss it with me before you have penetration sex (ie involving your penis) with someone else. Give me a little time to feel comfortable if I can not handle you doing that yet.

Maybe adjust the rule to say notice beforehand if possible, but definitely as soon as possible afterwards
. I'm not sure it's entirely reasonable that you have the final say about when he and someone else have sex. This might be something you have to accept as part of having a poly relationship

-other women should know I am your partner and they can spend time/connect with you outside that but their involvement in your life will not interfere with what you have with me.

Part of consensual non monogamy is everyone knowing about one another. I don't think it's productive to to warn them off before anything has even started

What I find especially interesting is that you haven't listed the fluid bonding agreement that you inevitably have. This shows that the rules you find important aren't about protecting you but more about limiting his relationships.
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Thank you for your input. On the fluid bonding thing, that wasn't on the list cause the rule has been in place for a good 6 months, it did not need addressing.
I totally see how you feel for him, and totally see how much this proves I am NOT poly.

Our begininngs...I asked my spouse to be poly FOR this guy (bad, I know. now we are split up). Boyfriend, I was first (and remain only to date) poly secondary and when we got together he waited months before telling his wife we were having sex because whatever, his reasons. I watched their thing fall apart, and support him.
My spouse and I had few rules, no sex on the first date, use condoms. that was about it. I was fine with him, I did not love him romantically anymore and can see now I was never cut out for this, as I love my boyfriend deeply and cant watch him date. If anything, this situation showed how we are worlds apart right now.

As far as defining him as poly....When we got together he was VERY hesitant, I believe he just wanted to "get even"with the wife. He asked for casual, I was cool with that. when I started to fall in love with him I brought it up right away and asked if he was in, or we should end it. seemed only fair. Hes had two dates.....he never indentified as poly in the last 45 years. So do I completely believe him when he says hes poly? No. He also says things like "youre som amazing I don't see why I'd need more than friendship with anyone else"
 
SlowPoly said:
The evidence shows that you can't control him to the level you proposed.

Do you want to be with someone that you can't control to that level?
Do you want to be with someone that you can't trust?

To some extent there's a tradeoff between control and trust. The less you attempt to control, the less you have to trust. Eventually you get down to trusting him not to intentionally hurt you. So, start at the bottom. Do you think you can trust him to not intentionally hurt you? There's no way to prove him breaking that trust, of course. No snooping is going to discover what he meant by any particular behavior. You just have to trust.

Love is nice, and all, but if your idea of a primary relationship has lots of strings attached, this isn't the guy for you.

If your idea of a primary relationship includes using less than ethical means to vindicate lack of trust, mono/poly is probably gonna be a much harder relationship structure for you than strictly monogamous. Will you and your friends will always be trying to catch your poly partner breaking your rules? Monogamous society is much better at accepting the premise that we should control our partners. Maybe you should find a nice mono boy to settle down with.
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Thanks slow poly, and all the others. I did not tell her to do it, I was pretty mad. She is a bit nutty and thought she was looking out for me.

Man, cant add much else right now. too confused and hurt
 
If he is poly, and if he is in NRE, he may be likely to agree to things that don't settle well with him in the hope that you will change your mind eventually or just to keep from rocking the boat because he doesn't want to lose you.
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His responsibility to say "No, I cannot agree to a poly primary-secondary model with confidence at this time" and give accurate information.

Or if initially he was willing but comes to find later he is not able -- give an update on that.

Nobody is a mind reader. He could give clear communication from the start.

If it turns out they are not compatible, they are just not compatible. But they cannot hope to sort it out SOONER rather than LATER if he's witholding data or not giving accurate data.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
His responsibility to say "No, I cannot agree to a poly primary-secondary model with confidence at this time" and give accurate information.

Or if initially he was willing but comes to find later he is not able -- give an update on that.

Nobody is a mind reader. He could give clear communication from the start.

If it turns out they are not compatible, they are just not compatible. But they cannot hope to sort it out SOONER rather than LATER if he's witholding data or not giving accurate data.

Galagirl
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Thanks GG! You are always most helpful. we made a couples therapy appointment ot see if we still work
 
GalaGirl said:
His responsibility to say "No, I cannot agree to a poly primary-secondary model with confidence at this time" and give accurate information.

Or if initially he was willing but comes to find later he is not able -- give an update on that.

Nobody is a mind reader. He could give clear communication from the start.

If it turns out they are not compatible, they are just not compatible. But they cannot hope to sort it out SOONER rather than LATER if he's witholding data or not giving accurate data.

Galagirl
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Indeed, this is what I was trying to get at.
 
I find my screen name ironic now.

Anyway, we are going to couples therapy today to try to get on the same page. But this AM I mentioned ,so he wouldn't be surprised, that given all the history I feel like maybe hes jumping the gun on being die hard poly. He got agitated.

I just feel like, yeah I feel mono...but im willing to find a relationship model that works for us. hes all poly or die.
 
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