Hey there everyone,
Please forgive me in advance if I'm in the wrong sub-forum or wrong forum entirely, but I could use some advice. I've often noticed that polys are usually principled folks and masters of time-management and jealousy management... so I thought it might be appropriate to ask my question here.
Some background... My significant other and I (of 6+ years) are in a period of transition in our relationship. Historically we have long been practicing swingers as a couple (ie open swinging) and we have agreed on the principles of polyamory but have never pursued it actively. We have always intended to open our relationship further and trust each other with more freedom and recently we have started doing so. This trust basically means "no rules" short of basic safety (tell me where you are with new partners, condom use, etc.). As such, we have both started dating solo, attempting to develop relationships with other partners. We are principled folks and talk a lot about our relationship direction... as such (and in accordance with principles as we understand them from http://www.morethantwo.com/polytips.html) We tend to make our relationships "descriptive rather than prescriptive", letting the relationships evolve as they want to, rather than trying to force those relationships into a given mold. As such (and since we're both swingers), many of our relationships tend to emphasize friendship and sex, but only because we haven't yet met anyone for whom we've fallen in love with, not because we're opposed to the idea. Hell, I'd be happy to go to dinner with a pretty lady, just for the privilege of seeing her smile... I'm very much a laid back guy that's into letting relationship evolve as they feel right...
So that's the background... we've been at this new phase of our relationship for over a month now, and I can already see a pattern emerging. My partner has only to spend 15 minutes on the internet and she has a dozen men that want to take her to dinner and see where things lead... she's beautiful and 30 years old. On the other hand, I'm an attractive, engaging 40-year-old man that looks far younger than his age and has a lot to offer. I'm charming and considerate but after a month of pretty serious attempts at "internet dating" I'm having virtually no response from women, and it's starting to make me feel like a nosferatu... LOL. I'm dealing my best to diffuse and reason away my jealousy, but the more discouraged I get the harder it becomes to do so... I'm still learning and growing as a person after all, and I'm sure not perfect I'm beginning to worry that the principles upon which I try to better myself are leading me to a place that in-real life (where functionality matters too) will leave me in a completely lopsided relationship. I'm not about playing even-stevens, but it's starting to wear me down and get me discouraged. I don't like where the relationship's going... My partner is considerate and asks me if she should slow down, but I don't want to impede her freedom and I don't believe in "rules" (apart from safety) because I'm an idealist.
How do you balance idealism with functionalism to address discouraging one-sided relationships? It's only started and I'm really struggling here. LOL. Any advice welcome. Just go easy on me... I'm new at this.
MindMusic
Please forgive me in advance if I'm in the wrong sub-forum or wrong forum entirely, but I could use some advice. I've often noticed that polys are usually principled folks and masters of time-management and jealousy management... so I thought it might be appropriate to ask my question here.
Some background... My significant other and I (of 6+ years) are in a period of transition in our relationship. Historically we have long been practicing swingers as a couple (ie open swinging) and we have agreed on the principles of polyamory but have never pursued it actively. We have always intended to open our relationship further and trust each other with more freedom and recently we have started doing so. This trust basically means "no rules" short of basic safety (tell me where you are with new partners, condom use, etc.). As such, we have both started dating solo, attempting to develop relationships with other partners. We are principled folks and talk a lot about our relationship direction... as such (and in accordance with principles as we understand them from http://www.morethantwo.com/polytips.html) We tend to make our relationships "descriptive rather than prescriptive", letting the relationships evolve as they want to, rather than trying to force those relationships into a given mold. As such (and since we're both swingers), many of our relationships tend to emphasize friendship and sex, but only because we haven't yet met anyone for whom we've fallen in love with, not because we're opposed to the idea. Hell, I'd be happy to go to dinner with a pretty lady, just for the privilege of seeing her smile... I'm very much a laid back guy that's into letting relationship evolve as they feel right...
So that's the background... we've been at this new phase of our relationship for over a month now, and I can already see a pattern emerging. My partner has only to spend 15 minutes on the internet and she has a dozen men that want to take her to dinner and see where things lead... she's beautiful and 30 years old. On the other hand, I'm an attractive, engaging 40-year-old man that looks far younger than his age and has a lot to offer. I'm charming and considerate but after a month of pretty serious attempts at "internet dating" I'm having virtually no response from women, and it's starting to make me feel like a nosferatu... LOL. I'm dealing my best to diffuse and reason away my jealousy, but the more discouraged I get the harder it becomes to do so... I'm still learning and growing as a person after all, and I'm sure not perfect I'm beginning to worry that the principles upon which I try to better myself are leading me to a place that in-real life (where functionality matters too) will leave me in a completely lopsided relationship. I'm not about playing even-stevens, but it's starting to wear me down and get me discouraged. I don't like where the relationship's going... My partner is considerate and asks me if she should slow down, but I don't want to impede her freedom and I don't believe in "rules" (apart from safety) because I'm an idealist.
How do you balance idealism with functionalism to address discouraging one-sided relationships? It's only started and I'm really struggling here. LOL. Any advice welcome. Just go easy on me... I'm new at this.
MindMusic