Am I poly?

[xalg]

A bit of background here and a question I wrestle with.

The Facts:

1. My wife (3rd) and I are considering opening up the relationship.

2. There is presently no other her and/or I are interested in.



Previously, before we got married we were poly. I met her at school while my ex-wife and I were still married. I was smitten by this redheaded beauty.
Background:
My ex-wife and I fell into polyamory. She cheated on me with a good friend. I eventually got over it (after acting really badly) and befriended him and her again. We didn’t split up, but we weren’t very close. I know - sounds like a tangent but it’s crucial to the story. It was 6-9 months after this episode that her and I discussed, calmly and rationally, polyamory / non-monogamy. I’ll admit that Core Belief #1 has never been a reality for me. I learned at the tender age of 18 that my wife looked and lusted after other guys and I’ve come close to kissing girls in my first marriage, but felt incredibly guilty and held back. Core Belief #2 is something I struggle with. Big feelings of insecurity. It is only in the last 15 years of my life (I'm 40) that I have really gotten my act together as a productive member of society. Often I feel inadequate when it comes to life in general. I am not conventionally attractive. I have a big brain, big sense of humor, big heart and tire around the middle. I picture myself as Socrates, I have a lot to offer but not in the looks department. Again, a tangent but related to the Core beliefs listed here: http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html Core belief #3 is complete rubbish, I have children - I know better.

My problem, I know, stems from insecurity. My Second wife (the one that introduced poly) has had brief encounters with other men, years after she cheated on me and it didn’t really bother me. However, to be wholly honest, the times she went out with these guys, I was in a hot and heavy relationship with another girl I was completely smitten with. So it may not have been compersion, but a sense of security feeding the lizard brain - I had a girl at hand I was crazy about, so it didn’t really bother me that the wife was with another guy. I knew him well, we attended many of the same classes and were fellow Philosophy majors. I’ve always wondered if it was because I knew him and I had someone close, so seeing them leave together to have fun, didn’t bother me.

But, I am a freak. I often envision sex with people I know and those I don't. I wonder what it would be like to be with someone I see at work, in the store, I’m a horn dog yah’ll! Sex is constantly on the brain! I control it. I keep that beast pushed down, because I have a really good thing going. Excellent career, wonderful family and some friends whose lost respect would devastate me. I work extremely hard to maintain that balance of work and life. I don’t want my proclivities to somehow damage this carefully crafted life we’ve developed in the last eight years.

My second wife and I spilt. It was 4 or 5 months after I started dating the current wife. Although friends shook their head and blamed our strange poly ways for the split, the ex and I can honestly cite that we’d simply grown past each other. When we split, my wife and I were living in the projects. I am obnoxiously ambitious. I am never wholly satisfied with my current accomplishments. I always try and find bigger challenges and advance my career. To put it tactfully, she’s not that ambitious. I am fairly neat and tidy, and don’t deal well with a messy house. We had differences and wanted different things. She wanted to stay in the south, I wanted out. It was a good split and we worked very hard to not hurt the children during the split.

My current wife and I decided to back off of poly and concentrate on finishing school. The added emotional work and time challenges presented by opening up the relationship was not something we wanted to tackle. For me, it was partly the huge adjustments to living in a different place. I felt insecure in the thirds house. It wasn’t home and it wasn’t my castle. So we shut the poly thing down. This is not to say that there aren’t some times when she’s attracted to others and we’ll - I’ve mentioned my tendencies. Last year, for my birthday, my wife set it up with her friend (poly) for us to have a threesome. It was her first experience with a girl. It was a bit fumbly and awkward. But we all seemed to enjoy ourselves. My wife was not jealous at all.

I think, somehow, that it opened a floodgate. For her, it was a bit of fun, with a trusted friend. For me it was a reawakening of some sort. We moved to the Bay Area shortly afterward, or that relationship might have blossomed. So, here I find myself with a very stable silicon valley job. A decent place to live and not subsiding on ramen. My kids just left from an excellent summer visit. I feel we’ve reached a certain level of stability. I have urges and attractions to others. She wants someone who’s a bit more romantic to go out with. I do not like bar’s so I’m not big on hitting clubs. I have some kinks she’s aware of but not into. So while we consider the poly thing, and talk - I get worried that a google or twitter founder will sweep her off her feet. I am having problems dealing with Core Belief #2. I thought about imposing a rule that I have to like the guy and feel he’s a good fit in our life before she dates, but I also feel that is a grab for power. I want to let this beast out to play, but don’t want to threaten this stability we have.

Am I poly?
or
As I suspect, a selfish little boy?

 

[NovemberRain]

Not really for us to judge.
There are poly/mono things. If she wants others and you can't allow it, then perhaps you shouldn't be having others. But I had partners who were content not to have others.

Having a hard time with feelings doesn't make you 'not-poly.' Actually, being a selfish little boy doesn't make you 'not-poly.'

I'm sure someone with more experience will be along shortly, so let me just say welcome. Have a look around, there's a boatload of information around here.

Also, there are some very active groups of social poly things in the bay area - you might want to socialize a bit.

 

[opalescent]

... Core Belief #2 is something I struggle with. Big feelings of insecurity. It is only in the last 15 years of my life (I'm 40) that I have really gotten my act together as a productive member of society. Often I feel inadequate when it comes to life in general. I am not conventionally attractive. I have a big brain, big sense of humor, big heart and tire around the middle. I picture myself as Socrates, I have a lot to offer but not in the looks department.

But, I am a freak. I often envision sex with people I know and those I don't. I wonder what it would be like to be with someone I see at work, in the store, I’m a horn dog yah’ll! Sex is constantly on the brain! I control it. I keep that beast pushed down, because I have a really good thing going. Excellent career, wonderful family and some friends whose lost respect would devastate me. I work extremely hard to maintain that balance of work and life. I don’t want my proclivities to somehow damage this carefully crafted life we’ve developed in the last eight years.

... I think, somehow, that it opened a floodgate. For her, it was a bit of fun, with a trusted friend. For me it was a reawakening of some sort. We moved to the Bay Area shortly afterward, or that relationship might have blossomed. So, here I find myself with a very stable silicon valley job. A decent place to live and not subsiding on ramen. My kids just left from an excellent summer visit. I feel we’ve reached a certain level of stability. I have urges and attractions to others. She wants someone who’s a bit more romantic to go out with. I do not like bar’s so I’m not big on hitting clubs. I have some kinks she’s aware of but not into. So while we consider the poly thing, and talk - I get worried that a google or twitter founder will sweep her off her feet. I am having problems dealing with Core Belief #2. I thought about imposing a rule that I have to like the guy and feel he’s a good fit in our life before she dates, but I also feel that is a grab for power. I want to let this beast out to play, but don’t want to threaten this stability we have.

I've heard many men state something similar to what you described, xalg, and it fucking breaks my heart.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not an out of control monster. Your 'beast' is just a healthy man's sexuality. Many people like variety in sexual partners - either the reality or the fantasy or both. I eyeball the attractive people around me, and wonder, and plug them into some lovely, dirty scenarios. All kinds of people do this, all the time - men, women, transfolk, all kinds. Are you inflicting yourself on women who don't want you? Are you stalking women, or cat-calling? Sexually harassing co-workers? No? Are you treating women as people (even if they are people you'd like to fuck)? Yes? Then you are not a monster. There is nothing awry with you despite the dumb ass messages our society sends to men.

Here's a little 'secret'. Once I feel safe with a partner, I want their beast to come out and play with me. I want that energy directed at me - it is so sexy and amazing. I love reflecting that back and showing my beast too. I can't speak for all women but I suspect many women would feel similar.

As for if you are poly, we cannot say. But if you want to 'do' poly well, you will need to address your insecurity. It looks like you are aware of that. Poly will put a floodlight on every personal weakness and relationship weakness you and your wife have. It doesn't cause those weaknesses but neither of you will be able to hide from them either. Monogamy, when it is experienced as an external socially approved structure, can allow people to hide themselves in that structure. (I'm not saying monogamous people can't and don't work on themselves but if they don't want to, the 'out' is there.) There is no such luxury in poly. I think that's ultimately a good thing but it is really unpleasant and disturbing at times. Poly will make your insecurity feel like a 900 pound gorilla is sitting on your shoulders all the damn time. So if you and your wife do try poly, know you will have to do the work of creating your own internal security. Your wife cannot do this for you. No amount of reassurances from her - while nice and a kind thing to do - will ultimately make you feel secure. Security is a gift we give ourselves.

Best of luck to you!

 

[GalaGirl]

You can't just be wanting to open up again, with fears and concerns about how to best do so in a balanced way?

You have identified insecure "not really good enough" fears as your main thing to work on. Well, I do not see how the habit of talking down to yourself is supposed to help get you past it when you call yourself names like "selfish little boy."

You are not a boy. You are a grown man.

You are not selfish where it is all "me me me." You have laid out a past in your post where you try to sort things out and meet both your own needs and the needs of other people against the resources available at the time as the things come up.

So again...

You can't just be wanting to open up again, with fears and concerns about how to best do so in a balanced way?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi xalg,

Re (thread title):

"Am I poly?"

From what I've read over the past 6+ years, the relevant definitions are:

• Polyamory = "the state of being, or the ability and/or inclination to be, part of a romantically-connected group of more than two adults, with the full knowledge and consent of all the adults in the group."
• Polyamorous = "practicing, inclined toward, or having to do with, polyamory."
• Polyamorist = "one who is practicing, or who is inclined toward, polyamory."
• Poly = "polyamory, polyamorous, or polyamorist."

If you trust me to know what I'm talking about, you can use the above definitions to answer your own question. Are you poly? Do the definitions fit?

On the other hand, it's oft been said that anyone can "wear the poly badge with pride" as long as they feel in their heart that they're poly. The word is still evolving and you can totally decide on a definition that works for you.

Re:

"Am I poly? or, as I suspect, a selfish little boy?"

Which do you want to be?

If (internal) perfection were part of the definition of poly, nobody would be poly. Everyone has fears, insecurities, and dysfunctions. And note that I agree with opalescent; being a "very horny guy" doesn't make anyone a dysfunctional guy. God and/or Nature made us who we are, so it's on Their head/s if there's something wrong with us. But I don't think there's anything wrong with us, not sexually at least. We can choose our actions; feelings and fantasies not so much.

I'd love to tell you, "You're poly," and have you believe it, but I think that "I'm poly" is something you'll have to say and believe for yourself. You do seem to have some kind of weakness in the self-esteem (and/or self-confidence) department; you might want to do some digging and try to find out where that's coming from. Don't rely on other people to prop up your self-esteem for you. Find your own strength.

Maybe the affirmation you should start with is, "I am a mature, generous man." Say it. Say it again. Say it in the mirror. Say it like you mean it. Say it, and then believe it.

Then move on to the question about whether you're poly.

Living a poly life is a process. It takes a lot of work, practice, and study. I hope you'll spend some quality time digging into the various threads/boards on this site, asking more questions along the way. With greater knowledge may come greater confidence. Does that make sense?