How do I explain to someone my situation? Advice please!!

S

Stephy

New member
This is my first post and I would greatly appreciate some advice if possible. I am feeling quite anxious today!

So I am very new to the poly lifestyle. I was in a monogamous relationship with 'J' for nearly 5 years and we broke up over a year ago. Over the past few months we have come back together organically. We both implicitly understood that it was on an open basis and it is only fairly recently that we really discussed it and decided that what we are doing is polyamory. We have great communication and everything is fine and lovely between us. He now has another girl who has other partners and that's all fine. No problems at the moment.

I met 'K' around a month ago and we were hanging out together a lot as friends. I did have an inkling that he liked me and I knew I liked him but I didn't tell him about my situation. To be honest it was all very new to me and I didn't know how to talk about it. It's only been the last couple of weeks that I've spoken openly about it to my friends and even then I find it difficult to choose the right terminology to avoid negative connotations. I also made the mistake of referring to J as my ex, which is only half true. I'm regretting that now.

So, K visited me last week and something happened. And I think he really likes me. I know I have to explain myself to him very soon. I will see him this weekend (hopefully) and I feel like I should explain it to him before then. Actually I want to do it today, but I just can't find the right words!! To be honest, I feel like he might be a bit too conservative for this. I'm really worried about how he will react. I also feel like I've been deceitful. Will it come across that way? What is the best way to explain it whilst being sensitive to his feelings? What if he doesn't want to see me?

Any advice would be great!!
 
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Hi Stephy,

Welcome to the forum :)

I think the best thing you can do is approach this honestly yet tactfully. Everything in life involves some kind of learning curve, and if it doesn't work out with K for some reason, it will work out with someone else in the future! You are only just starting to wrap your own head around poly, let alone communicating it to others.

If I was in your situation, I'd tell K that when you first met him, you and J were still exes, but that in your inexperience you feel that you may have given the wrong impression. I would then lay out what the actual situation currently is and see where the land lies with K. If he's not up for polyamory, he's not up for it. It is your choice as to whether you would go for a mono relationship with K or remain poly.

If K doesn't want to see you... Honestly? Other people in the future will want to.

The best thing to do now is to be honest about where things currently stand, and focus on expressing that you are very new to poly and have only just figured it out for yourself. Focus on expressing that you want to make sure you are clear, because you realise you may have given the wrong impression. I'd personally be happy if someone took that approach with me.

Good luck!
 
Thank you for the advice. It's so hard to know how to explain it to someone else when I haven't really experienced it myself yet. I have tried to talk to a couple of friends about it but they are monogamous and don't really get it. They assume that I would really prefer a monogamous relationship and that this open set-up with J is just a compromise. That's not how I see it. It would be sad to throw away a wonderful relationship that has developed over many years for the sake of a new one that has many unknowns. I would happily explore them both but I have a feeling that I won't get the chance!
 
You will get the chance, but maybe not with K. It's better to be up front right from the start, so potential partners can bow out early if they aren't interested in dating you. That way you don't start into the NRE phase and become heartbroken.

I would agree with sparklepop's advice - let him know that you may have given the wrong impression about your not so ex.
 
I'll know in future to be upfront from the start. At the time, I hadn't talked to anyone about it, let alone a stranger- and he was practically a stranger. It's been playing on my mind for a while as it was evident that he wanted to see me more often than friends normally see eachother. It just never felt right to say 'oh by the way, I am polyamorous' as that would have sounded too presumptuous.

Also, I suppose I wanted him to get to know me before making judgments about me based on my relationship preferences. I do really feel like I've led him on (even though we were just friends up until the last time I saw him) and I'm wondering if he will think that too. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes so that I can explain it in the best way possible.
 
I do not talk about relationship experiences with people I don't know well either. And I would hate to make an issue out of it early on as it might seem presumptuous concerning the other person's interest. So I don't think you made an error in not mentioning until there was some indication of interest.

I like the previous commenter's advice - just be open and honest.

On the other hand, if you have an interest in someone, I would let the person know in the same sentence that I was expressing interest. "I am interested in dating you, but I am in polyamorous relationship, and I don't know if you would be comfortable with that."

As for monos not understanding, that is par for the course. I put up an OKCupid profile that very blatantly stated I was in an open relationship (I didn't put polyamorous because it seems many have no clue what that is.) Anyway, this guy started chatting with me, and from his profile he seemed quite set on finding his one and only. Finally, I asked him if he'd noticed the "open relationship" declaration. He had. Then wanted to know if I was just hanging with my guy until I found someone better. OMG! I explained that wasn't the case, and shut down my profile soon after.
 
So yesterday I told K and we had a long conversation about it. I was so anxious about telling him and I feel so relieved now it's out in the open. He does find the concept very alien and seems pretty sure that it's not for him. I'm not trying to convince him otherwise as it's his choice, but he told me he does like me a lot and now he's asking lots of questions about polyamory. I can't even say I've properly experienced it yet so I don't feel qualified to give answers!

He thinks that maybe I am experimenting until somebody I really like comes along and then I will want a monogamous relationship. He says that he doesn't feel that he could be happy in a poly relationship and that it would be one sided as he wouldn't want more than one partner. I tried to subtly suggest that he could open his mind as no-one can be 100% sure of what they want, and minds do change. It seems like he likes me a lot and I don't know whether I should back off or not. I don't want to give him false hopes that I'll eventually be monogamous- with him, because right now I can't see that happening.

He said something slightly amusing which was myself and J are like "King and Queen of the tribe". He really perceives it like that! But I suppose he is looking at it from a mono perspective. He's pretty confused right now. He likes me but he disappointed that I'm not going to be with him only.
 
I bet you were relieved to finally let all that out to him. ((Hugs))

Make sure he knows that he isn't required to become poly himself - both of my guys are monogamous, even though I am poly. They don't consider it one-sided! They see it as a bonus - I get what I need from both of them, and they get "time off" to pursue their hobbies and interests while I am out with the other. They think it's great. :)

But yes, I am sure he is disappointed. He may come around to the idea. My boyfriend thought about it for an entire month - he would text me and ask questions, but he eventually decided that if I wasn't practicing hierarchical poly, that he could handle it. And so far, so good! I would definitely recommend backing off and giving your guy the time to think it through. Be available to answer questions, but don't force him to come to a decision right away.
 
Yes soooo relieved!! I have been worrying about it for over a month now and I had to have a drink and a few smokes before telling him. I even scripted it so that I wouldn't get stuck for words.

That's interesting that both your guys are mono. Were they initially opposed to the idea? Did they know you were poly before they met you? K reckons it's not possible to love someone completely in this set up as you are splitting your love between multiple partners. Even though I'm inexperienced I don't feel it works like that. I think he's being a little closed minded but then I only told him yesterday and this is just his first reaction. I'll just chat with him calmly and try to express an opposing view to his but in a rational way. The outcome may not be what I want, but it will be one that makes sense at this time.
 
I have a journal in the blog section, if you are interested in the long form answer to those questions! :)

My husband & I started out monogamous, but he has been a huge supporter and fan, ever since I decided I was poly. He actually encouraged me to try it out. Lol

My boyfriend also did not know - he initially thought I was married to my exboyfriend, having seen the two of us together several times - then he later saw that I was chatting up a different guy at his game store, so he friended me on Facebook. I let him know right away what my situation was, and he was kinda shocked. So we chatted for a month online while I was playing the field and looking for the perfect partner, hoping he would choose to eventually go out with me in person! After our first date lunch that lasted the entire day, a mutual acquaintance saw us together and immediately let him know that I was poly. So I was glad he already knew!

Honestly, I think I love my husband more now. He says he has never seen me so happy and complete and if possible, he really feels that the love between us has deepened. We have always had a strong solid, loving relationship and the communication that poly requires has strengthened the attention we give each other. I don't at all feel like I love either of my guys half-heartedly!
 
[raises hand] MFM V here, very much like Bluebird's situation. Technically we're an M/F married couple plus another M (which would be me). We all think of each other as primary partners, and again, like with Bluebird's sitch, I like the extra "me time" and even though the lady of the house (Snowbunny) only has "half" as much time to spend with me, it doesn't bother me because I like the extra "introvert time."

And Snowbunny's time may be divided in half, but her love is not divided in half. More like it became doubled when she had a second man to love. So it goes with poly, though it's important to note that poly is not for everyone. I wouldn't get too many hopes up about K. If he later decides he can handle poly, great: that's a bonus. For now, though, I would assume he's "hard-wired mono" and back away a bit.

It can take awhile even if a monogamous person does decide they can handle poly. If took Snowbunny's husband (Brother-Husband) nearly a year to soften up to the idea. Maybe it'll take K a month, maybe a year, maybe a lifetime. It's not something you can bank on. Of course you can still be friends with him as long as he still wants to be friends. As for more than friends, only time will tell.
 
kdt26417 said:
[raises hand] MFM V here, very much like Bluebird's situation. Technically we're an M/F married couple plus another M (which would be me). We all think of each other as primary partners, and again, like with Bluebird's sitch, I like the extra "me time" and even though the lady of the house (Snowbunny) only has "half" as much time to spend with me, it doesn't bother me because I like the extra "introvert time."

And Snowbunny's time may be divided in half, but her love is not divided in half. More like it became doubled when she had a second man to love.
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But do you ever wish deep in your heart that she actually had more time to spend with you? I guess I am not understanding how you think of each other as primary partners in your situation.

Just curious....
 
Murf likes the fact that I give him plenty of time alone. I live at his house 12-14 days a month. The rest of the time I am at the home I share with Butch.

He says he never feels second. He knows if he needs me I am there. Butch doesn't interfere with our relationship or his time with me.

The only reason I am not with Murf more of a 50/50 time split is because he has a shit work schedule.
 
seeker2020 said:
But do you ever wish deep in your heart that she actually had more time to spend with you? I guess I am not understanding how you think of each other as primary partners in your situation.

Just curious....
Click to expand...

I'm not Kevin, but...
I'm Monogamous. Chops splits his time 50/50 between home with me and home with Xena. It's sort of a co-primary situation without using the words. He fits in dates with Noa when he can.

YES, I would love to have more time with him. Quality Time is my main Love Language (according to the Gary Chapman book), but it's not his, and it took some time before he understood how important it was to me. I've noticed, with the time split, I spend my time differently with him. When he's not home with me, I futz around the house and do "house stuff" or write, or hang out with friends, or veg out, or whatever. When he's here, I focus on him. We *spend time* together and don't typically just occupy the same space while doing other things. That's evidently my coping strategy for having less time with my partner than I'd want, and it's interesting to note that I probably have better "quality time" with him as a result of this than I ever had in my marriage.

We've both discussed this, ad nauseum, because when our schedule (or overall amount of time together) gets perturbed, it greatly impacts my emotions. I'm clingier, needier, need more reassurance - all that. He's aware that having less than half time would probably mean that I couldn't handle this relationship. On the flip side, I was worried about how well I could handle THAT, and it seems as though it's going well when it's chugging along. I pushed my comfort zone a bit and found a compromise that's workable.

Your zone may be different - you may need more days/week with your partner than I do, and that's okay. You'll need to talk about it, though, and figure out what's workable.

(*) I do recommend the Love Languages book. It's not only a good way of showing your partner what you need to feel loved, it's a great way of seeing that what your partner is doing/saying may be THEIR way of communicating it. Especially if your two languages aren't the same.

(**) I would also have a bit more difficulty actually HAVING Chops around more often, since my oldest daughter is still not all that thrilled with the amount of time he does spend here. Plus, my distance from his other home, job, and family (~1.5 hours away) makes this tougher. I'd expect that once the kids are grown, we can figure out a move that'll bring us a bit closer together and help with the time thing.
 
Re (from seeker2020):
"But do you ever wish deep in your heart that she actually had more time to spend with you?"
Click to expand...

In the first few years, I may have had a thought something along those lines. But I can't even remember when the last time was that was an issue for me.

Re:
"I guess I am not understanding how you think of each other as primary partners in your situation."
Click to expand...

Well mathematically we're both getting "exactly" half of her time and attention, so neither of us guys is getting "priority." Neither of us is a secondary partner to her, nobody's getting "the leftovers."

Don't know if that satisfactorily explains it, but ...
 
kdt26417 said:
Re (from seeker2020):


In the first few years, I may have had a thought something along those lines. But I can't even remember when the last time was that was an issue for me.

Re:


Well mathematically we're both getting "exactly" half of her time and attention, so neither of us guys is getting "priority." Neither of us is a secondary partner to her, nobody's getting "the leftovers."

Don't know if that satisfactorily explains it, but ...
Click to expand...

That makes sense actually.

The poly math is difficult to understand at times:D
 
Haha, in a V, it's really confusing. Obviously the hinge is getting double benefits, while the legs are getting half benefits, aren't they? To understand how that works, you have to account for things like the value of "me time" to different persons, as well as the value of "friend time" (My metamour and I have fun watching shows together and stuff).

Plus it's a lot of work being a hinge. That double benefit comes at a price. You have to help with both of your lovers' insecurities, make efforts to keep everything balanced (How do you even quantify "balanced" in this context?), etc.

Accumulating many years of hard-won trust also helps to make it all work. If you feel that both of your companions honestly hold you in the highest of esteem, you can't help but want to reciprocate.
 
kdt26417 said:
Plus it's a lot of work being a hinge. That double benefit comes at a price. You have to help with both of your lovers' insecurities, make efforts to keep everything balanced (How do you even quantify "balanced" in this context?), etc.
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Heh. I think of Chops replying to folks who, when they first learn he's got two partners and a GF, get all wide-eyed and hero-worshippy. He likes to respond with, "It ain't the dream ya think it is!"

Yeah, the fact that Xena and I are pretty much on the same cycle makes me almost feel sorry for him. Almost. :p
 
Haha, in a V, it's really confusing. Obviously the hinge is getting double benefits, while the legs are getting half benefits, aren't they? To understand how that works, you have to account for things like the value of "me time" to different persons, as well as the value of "friend time" (My metamour and I have fun watching shows together and stuff).
Click to expand...

I just asked my husband, and he said he doesn't feel like he's getting half-benefits at all. It's all good, in his opinion. "Some of us are introverted. Not being 100% all the time with an extroverted partner is a HUGE benefit!" So yes, I think you absolutely have to consider how valuable "me time" is to the legs of the vee. :)

I don't necessarily feel like I'm getting double benefits either, as the hinge. I'm closer to be being complete for the first time in my life!

As far as being a had-working hinge, I do have crazy days Honestly though, I'm not overwhelmed with trying to manage two guys at all. Course, that prolly has a lot to do with my partners. We're well matched and our poly math adds up. When it was off with my ex, it really was hell.
 
Thanks for the responses. It's interesting to hear about the 'poly math'. I hadn't given it much thought to be honest. I suppose I have spent so many years with J- we know eachother so well and don't demand much from eachother timewise. I could easily not see him for a few weeks at a time and we'd still have a strong relationship. He'd be completely understanding if I needed to spend time with someone else. I don't think this would be the same with K, at least at first.

I was with K today and he continued to ask me lots of questions about the poly lifestyle. I'm glad we are talking about it. He's more open minded than I originally gave him credit for. So I suppose his dilemma is that he likes me a lot and we get on great, but this situation doesn't fit in with his ideal future plans. If I was in his position I would just go with the flow and put my heart on the line but then I've always been like that- a bit more carefree and romantic. I sense that he's very wary and skeptical. I think I would need to see him on a regular basis so that he feels a bit more secure. That's going to be difficult for me as I also have lots of interests and I like traveling. I hadn't really considered the potential organisational problems of a poly lifestyle!!
 
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