Wife of 12 yrs brought up open relationship

C

Cowboy1977

New member
Hello to all,
My wife and I have been married for 12 yrs. Two days ago she brought up an open marriage like it was my idea. I am a bit confused by this because if it is something that we do. It will be unfair to me, as I work offshore and I am gone for 28 days at a time and home 14 days. On my 14 days home I cannot go or do anything without her being with me. And if I do get to go somewhere alone she is always txting or calling me. I dont really see where it would be an equally fair deal. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
 
Here is where you need to decide a few things. Fairness has nothing to do with your ability to have just as many relationships or just as much sex or just as many dates as your spouse. I guarantee you that if you lived at home she would still get more suitors than you will because she is a woman. Having an open relationship is not about keeping score it's about allowing each other to explore new relationships as they naturally occur without any hindrances. You say that you go offshore. Does that mean you are overseas or that you're on a drilling platform or a boat? Do you have girlfriends away from home or do you go out and find prostitutes or one night stands? If you do that and she knows about it that's how she believes it's your idea. And now she's asking for the same benefit . If you are gone from home for that long it's obvious that neither of you are getting your romantic or sexual needs met and that it will be impossible to do so under the current circumstances with each other in a monogamous relationship. I may be wrong but I'm guessing that she may already have someone in mind possibly even somebody that she has been seeing while you were gone. If you enter this in a way to allow each other to have your needs met while separated then there is a chance that may work . If you intend on keeping score it will fail miserably and you may as well break up now and save both of you a lot of hurt .
 
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Cowboy1977 said:
Hello to all,
My wife and I have been married for 12 yrs. Two days ago she brought up an open marriage like it was my idea. I am a bit confused by this because if it is something that we do. It will be unfair to me, as I work offshore and I am gone for 28 days at a time and home 14 days. On my 14 days home I cannot go or do anything without her being with me. And if I do get to go somewhere alone she is always txting or calling me. I dont really see where it would be an equally fair deal. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
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In this situation, I would worry less about a vague (or over-specific) concept of fairness and more about what you want and what she wants. Is it possible she feels lonely while you're gone, and is trying to fill that void, but doesn't really want to see less of you when you're home? If that seems "unfair" to you, translate it instead to what you do want and are willing to work toward, and see how it lines up with what she wants and is willing to work toward.

Does she want to see other people when you're gone?
Does she want to see other people when you're home?

Do you want to see other people when you're gone? [not sure that's an option]
Do you want to see other people when you're home?

How does each of you feel about having less time together when you are home?

What level of contact or availability is appropriate when you or she is on a date with someone else?

Without going overboard on sounding smothered by her constant attention in your monogamous relationship, ask if she would be willing to have you be unavailable (except for emergencies) during your hypothetical dates.

Also, what kind of relationships are you each expecting to have with others, and what unexpected shifts (like falling in love with an outside partner) would you need to be prepared for?

Opening the conversation is only the first step. You can't know what the other person's expectations for "open marriage" are without talking a lot.
 
I work on a supply vessel, so there is no way I could have an extra marital relationship at work ( all dudes, not my thing!) Also when I leave for work or home I go straight there and straight home not pit stops.
At home we have a small horse farm, so when I get home I end up working more there than at work playing catch up. Wife doesnt work so all the financial responsibilities are mine alone. I have asked her to get a job several times so she doent get bored at home.
As far as what she really want at this time Idk, I am on the boat at the moment and she wont talk to me about it until I get home she said.
About 6 years ago I had told her that it was ok with me given my frequent absence that if she wanted to pursue sexual relations with someone else while I am away. I would be ok with that as long as she told me before hand and who they were. Also I would like to meet said individual if possible. That didnt workout so well, as she would hide things from me.
So here we are looking at the same thing again? I am not ok with not knowing whats going on. There are a lot of dangers in the world. And I am not quick to trust new people. Really trying to figure out if she is already doing this and mentioned the open relationship to make her feel better?
 
Well, if you told her 6 years ago that you would be okay with her having sex outside the marriage, that would explain why she brought up open marriage like it was your idea. It WAS.

It sounds like six years ago, she *did* have sex with others but was dishonest with you against agreements you had made. What type of information was she keeping from you?

Given that previously, she was dishonest, it is possible that she is being dishonest now as well, and that she is having sex with others already. It is also possible that she realized she was wrong six years ago and wants to do it right this time.

You won't know for sure until you discuss it with her. And it sounds like you would have to set out your wants and needs in the situation very clearly. She does not have to agree to them, but if she agrees, it would seem important that she stick to those agreements.
 
Information she kept from me was, how many partners, frequency, and so forth.
After the last time we both agreed that wasn't for us. Because of the info that was being withheld from me. To me her not telling me before is the same as cheating. Maybe I am wrong about that. I believe that all parties know what is going on.
I do know that our sex life is not so great because I have a rather large penis. And it hurts her so we only have sex a couple of times when I am home. Most guys think its all women want but I can tell it is not. It is more of a handicap than a blessing.
I do very much want her to be happy but I also want her to be honest and safe in her activities and keep it away from our children.
 
I would agree that being dishonest and hiding things that you've agreed to tell each other would be considered cheating, though others may have a different opinion.

Were your children aware of what was going on six years ago, or is the possibility of them finding out just a fear you have?

Again, this is a discussion you'll have to have with her, to find out what she wants in the situation and to express your concerns to her, particularly about whether she can be honest with you, whether she will practice safe sex and be safe about who she chooses as partners, and whether she will keep her "extracurricular activities" out of sight of your children, which I assume would include her not bringing other partners to your home.
 
Those are good wants to articulate. You want honesty, safety, and for the children to be sheltered from her extramarital relationships. The way you propose meeting those needs is to be informed of her prospects as they arise, meet her lover(s) before she engages with them (have I got that right?), and I'll assume you two have something worked out so the kids are cared for when she's away with others.

So, do you have any desire to see other people when you are home? Or was the fairness thing just an expedient way to get sympathetic outsiders to say "this can't work"? (Not judging if you were just being expedient.) If you want to have the same freedom, and can work it out around your cowboy duties, that should be part of all the communication that has to happen. If you don't really have time or interesting other partners, you still might negotiate leaving that door open just in case. And to feel that sense of fairness.

I can see her saying that you meeting her prospective lovers ahead of time is a big speed bump for her starting new relationships, with you gone so frequently and for so long. But if you both want it to work, and that's a limit for you, she can only say yes or no.

If she finds your limits difficult, but knows she can work around them and you won't be around to be any the wiser, then, yeah, she might cheat or already be cheating. I don't know what to do in that case, or how to know if it's going on, or how to trust that it isn't, given the history.

Sorry I don't have much else for you. You're in a tough situation, with the history and the unavoidable absence. Makes understanding your baseline status (is she cheating?), as well as ongoing communication, much more difficult.
 
The kids were too young then to know what was going on. But now our daughter is 12 and very keen to her surroundings. As far as me being able to pursue an open relationship myself is near impossible. I dont believe that I could find the time for that or even if she would accept it or not. If another woman shows interest in a friendly conversation she gets extremely jealous. So to keep the peace and avoid tention. I dont talk to other women except my family members.
 
Fairness aside - there's no way it can be fair or balanced under the circumstances, nor is it likely it would be even if you were working locally all the time - she's previously shown unwillingness to abide by reasonable rules and has effectively lied and cheated even in a scenario in which she was getting everything she asked for with your consent.

Without much better communication and transparency on her part, I think the same pattern will repeat, only she'll be more careful to hide things from you. She wasn't trustworthy in the past, so what has changed, if anything? I suspect that she may have already implemented an open relationship, and is now trying to get you to agree once again before she's discovered.
 
So, here's where something like fairness kicks in, and I'd be asking my partner, "Don't I deserve the same respect and autonomy that you do?"

She wants an open marriage - is she planning to let you speak with other women going forward? Or is she just wanting you to agree to her having outside relationships to fill her lonely weeks (as your offer six years ago may have been framed)? This should be spoken out loud. Not just assumed.

You just don't sound comfortable with what's being asked and offered, in the context of what's gone before and the status quo. You two really need to talk more about the specifics and the what-ifs. Define your needs, determine your limits, and stick to them, unless they genuinely shift. If your limits and hers don't allow for both of you to get your needs met, you might need to do more to your marriage than open it up.

I know you don't have a lot of time, but is there counseling that you could access while home, or remotely from from aboard ship?
 
She has declind to discuss any of this with me while I am at work. For me I dont like to just let things wait. I go home next week, but I tell you it is utter torture for me to just hold it in. My mind races and I cant sleep no matter how tired I am.
Hopefully we can figure all this out. Thanks so much for all your input on the situation. I believe it is probably different than most peoples.
 
Your 28-day work shifts certainly make your situation unusual all by themselves. Now I know your time at home is limited but I suspect you could entertain some kind of casual relationship with someone -- something that doesn't require much of your time -- if your wife would consent to that. If she wouldn't consent to that, then I definitely agree she's asking for something that's not fair.

I think she should get job if for no other reason just so she could hire someone to help out with the horse farm while you're away. That way you wouldn't have to play catch-up as much when you're home. Kind of separate from the open marriage issue but all the issues in your overall situation are kind of tangled up together.

As much as it sucks, it would probably be a good idea to decide what your absolute limits and dealbreakers are, because if she exceeds those limits and breaks those deals, then divorce becomes a real thing for you (and her) to consider.

If she doesn't have a job, and doesn't do all the work on the horse farm that needs to be done, what does she do when you're away? I'm just curious ...
 
I have no idea what she does when Im not there. I do know that when I am there she sleeps, gets the kids off to school, lives on her phone, watches tv,eats, and finds some reason to leave at least twice without inviting me to go. I would assume its about the same when I am gone.
 
Hmmm, sounds like she's not carrying her fair share of the load in general (chore-wise as well as relationship-wise). Does she do any work at all on the horse farm ... and if not, why doesn't she? Could she do more?

It's good that she at least gets the kids off to school. Would you say that she does a good job of being a mom to them?

Just trying to get a better overall look at the situation.

Respects/regards,
Kevin T.
 
Does she keep the house tidy and running? Bills, grocery, cooking, laundry, lawn, kid play dates etc? Do the horse farm books, order horse supplies, feed horses? How far from town are you? Could be she has her own kind of isolation from other grown ups if the bulk of her world is kids, horses and bookkeeping.

Try to relax a bit. If she wants to talk in person, wait it out and use the time to write out your own thoughts and questions on paper. Then your talk can be organized. What questions would you list to start?

Galagirl
 
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The poor horses! I hope you have others at home taking care of the animals and giving them attention while you are away at work for long periods and your wife is sitting around doing nothing. It is so unfair and mean to the horses if she is that lazy. If I were you, I would worry more about the horses than about her.
 
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Fairness is not about equality. Regardless of whether you would be able to find other women or not, you aren't satisfying your wife's sexual needs due to 1) the size of your penis being incompatible with her (a real problem!) and 2) you frequently being gone.

She should be able to get those needs met.
 
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