Dating during trial separation? Good idea or terrible

L

LoveBunny

Active member
For anyone just tuning in: I'm a bisexual female who was in open/multiple relationships throughout my twenties, but in my thirties settled into monogamy with my husband, "Arlo," and stayed monogamous over a decade. Two years ago, I asked to open the marriage so I could be with a woman I'd fallen for. After that relationship imploded, I did not wish to return to monogamy, and enjoyed a couple of male lovers, but those were more about sex and fun than love.

Arlo never desired open marriage, but he accepted me and we came to some agreements. In some ways our relationship became stronger: we became better communicators, more vulnerable with each other, and I certainly grew more confident, open, and independent.

However, we made the decision not to keep a pregnancy soon after we'd opened up the marriage, and Arlo has struggled with profound feelings of loss over that--feelings I don't share. This, coupled with my shifting sexuality, and his rut career-wise, seems to have thrown Arlo into a major crises. Arlo's substance abuse has progressed beyond what I deem acceptable, and our sex life has deteriorated beyond what I can tolerate.

He refused to acknowledge any need for change, until a couple of weeks ago, after an especially heinous night and morning, I threw him out of the house and wouldn't let him back in. Over the next several days, we negotiated a trial separation. The lease on his rented room is up in two months, at which time we'll reassess the situation and move towards reconciliation or divorce.

I'm ambivalent about my marriage, in limbo, waiting to see if Arlo can get a grip on himself and acknowledge his own ambivalence (he strongly believes he still wants me for his wife, though I don't see how I can possibly make him happy if he wants a monogamous wife and children) Needless to say, this is taking up a lot of my mental space.

Some self-help books/sites say I shouldn't be dating, I should focus on myself and my marriage, and I see the wisdom in that. But I enjoy dating, and Arlo has urged me to "explore my options" during this time. I suspect I want to weigh if polyamory really measures up to my fantasies, and if my desires are at all in alignment with reality.

There is no one I'm into right now who is into me, no reason to use my hard-won sexual freedom. Hell, it took over a decade before anyone excited me enough to make me want to bust out of monogamy in the first place, what are the chances someone else will rock my world anytime soon?

But does my disappointment with my current dating pool prove that what I have with Arlo is worth giving monogamy another whirl? What about ten years down the road if someone else comes along I feel I can't resist?

During this time of transition and Big Questions, is it ethical for me to date, or would it be better for the world if I put that sort of thing on hold? I mean if I were to be honest, my current dating profile would have to read: "Men: I'm not up for in anything more than a fling with you. I might have sex with you once or twice just to see what it's like. Then I'll probably just stop calling. Women, I'm hoping to break my pattern of falling for females who will sleep with me but aren't emotionally available to me."

In short, my question/s: Does dating distract me from focusing on my marriage-at-a-crossroads, or will dating help me clarify my wants and needs in a partner/s? And if I do date, how to do it ethically when I'm not sure what my marital status will be in a few months? What kind of person would even get involved with such a hot mess?
 
I have found plenty of guys who are more than happy to be a FWB or not-a-friend but with plenty of benefits. lol I can't imagine that you would have trouble finding a man willing to just hook up a couple of times, regardless of the drama you may be experiencing. As long as you are honest up front, there is no reason you can't fuck these guys, if that's all you want.

Whether or not you shouldn't, based on needing to concentrate on your marriage - I can't comment. When I left my ex-husband, there wasn't any trial separation.
 
There is good reason to believe that ANYTHING else you do is going to he a distraction from "the task at hand" (making a decision). Dating is no more or less a distration than any other activity (imho).

FOR ME: I already have so many things tha keep me busy, tha when I have had a relationship in crisis, I don't choose to add distractions, including dating.

HOWEVER it is also true that i is important to take time out to enjoy your life even as you work through a crisis.
Also it is important to explore what it is that "works for you" in your life.

I think the way to pose the question is "can you keep up with the necessary work of establishing what you want to do with your life from here while also dating?"
If it is going to help be being a much needed enjoyable break from the work OR
It will help you find better clarity in defining the path you will take going forward-
Great.

If however its going to make things more ambiguous and confusin OR prove to be a distraction FROM doing the work-
Bad idea.
 
I think a lot of people (myself included) struggle with the idea "can I be this or that?" (in this case poly or mono) always phrasing the question relative to someone else. In your case Arlo vs that exciting potential other. I think it is important for each person to figure out who s/he is relative to no one but herself.

For most of my life, I was in tight relationships. I functioned well. Then circumstances changed and I found myself alone for the first time ever. I railed against it, feeling like I had no foundation. But slowly, ever so slowly, that is changing. I am beginning to see me; not just me relative to someone else. It's been unique, a little frightening.

Now I am looking forward to relationships that are interdependent - where I won't subsume myself identity for a relationship nor will I ask it of someone else. We are two (or more) individuals walking the path together - not a "couple or a triad, etc."

Perhaps this comment misses the mark entirely, but I hope it gives you another perspective to work with.

Btw, sometimes we have to figure out who we are through experimentation.
 
My initial instinctive reaction to this...What is the point of a "trial separation" if it isn't to explore you are and what(who) you want in your life?

BUT - I have, literally, ZERO experience in this. (I married my first boyfriend, we have never been strictly monogamous, it took 19 YEARS for me to find someone that it was worth testing boundaries for...and it, ultimately, has worked out fine.) i.e. I have never broken up/separated from anybody.
 
Hi LoveBunny,

Re (from OP):
"I mean if I were to be honest, my current dating profile would have to read: 'Men: I'm not up for in anything more than a fling with you. I might have sex with you once or twice just to see what it's like. Then I'll probably just stop calling. Women, I'm hoping to break my pattern of falling for females who will sleep with me but aren't emotionally available to me.'"
Click to expand...

Possibly I'm dense about this type of thing, but I actually don't see a problem in putting those cautionary statements into your profile. Heck, I'm thinking quite a few men would be perfectly happy with a mere fling. And maybe the women would just appreciate your honesty.

Re:
"And if I do date, how to do it ethically when I'm not sure what my marital status will be in a few months?"
Click to expand...

Well, don't you just say, "My marriage is kind of in Limbo right now and I'm not sure where it'll be in a few months?" You know, as soon as a decent opportunity arises to bring that up in the conversation. [shrug] I've never been one to advise against being candid.

Re:
"What kind of person would even get involved with such a hot mess?"
Click to expand...

I just don't think that everybody is looking for some kind of epic relationship. Some people are just looking for a little company on a lonely night, you know what I mean? which, in my opinion, is actually o-kay.

One question I have is: Do you *want* to date other people at this time? I mean if it's not something you particularly feel like doing, if there's no one you're particularly interested in, well ... maybe it's a moot point?

As to whether to be monogamous (or polyamorous) in the long run, that is a rather separate question. I am observing that you're (or at least Arlo is) putting a lot of extra stuff in the "monogamy box." Like, not just monogamy itself, but also lots of "white picket fence items" like having kids and stuff. I wonder if some of that should be separated out?

Just some thoughts; don't know if that helps.
 
I'm with Kevin... Dating during your separation is ethical if you do it ethically.

If you do date, be up front and honest with the people you get together with. Tell them you're in a trial separation and haven't made a decision yet on how that will play out. Tell them you're looking to meet new people and take things from there, rather than looking for something specific (e.g. just sex; short-term dating; long-term relationship, etc.) I don't know what site you have a profile on, but I like the way you've phrased your potential profile here. Mine on AFF was very similar to that at one point, at least the men part.

If you feel it's appropriate FOR YOU to date, then go for it. It isn't a case of what's right or wrong in general, because you're never going to get one definitive answer to that. It's a matter of what's right or wrong FOR YOU.

As for "hot mess"... That term is mild for what I was when I left my first marriage. But I found guys to date, and I learned, grew, and gained from those experiences. I didn't look for anything serious, so I found people who also weren't, and those low-pressure, no-expectation connections helped me grow and helped me figure out what I wanted and needed.
 
I may be getting to deep into the weeds here but have you examined why the original bi relationship imploded? I raise that question, because it has a significant bearing of those which follow. How willing was Arlo to actually open the marriage in the first place?
I think if you examine the why of the first extended relationship ended the puzzle falls together with the rest of the answers.
As for dating, what can you bring to a dating relationship at the moment, beyond the sex. Or is this exclusively about your needs regardless of the partner?
If I were in your position its time to "clean house" and "take stock" of all the relationships around you. Place a value on what you can bring into that relationship, and curtail the rest.
Whether mono or poly its always been about the balancing act between getting and receiving from those relationship what you really need.
 
Thanks guys! I have a blog here in the journal/blog section called "Captain's Log" if you want more specific details on how this has all played out so far.....But here's some specific responses to things you all brought up:

@LovingRadience:
I think the way to pose the question is "can you keep up with the necessary work of establishing what you want to do with your life from here while also dating?"
Click to expand...
I think so. I have time, especially for the next month and a half before work's busy season starts to kick in.

@bookbug:
I think a lot of people (myself included) struggle with the idea "can I be this or that?" (in this case poly or mono) always phrasing the question relative to someone else. In your case Arlo vs that exciting potential other. I think it is important for each person to figure out who s/he is relative to no one but herself.
Click to expand...
I waffle on that one. I mean, I can BE poly without acting on it, just like I can BE bisexual but only sleep with one gender in mono relationship. Or maybe I can't. I managed it for 10 yrs, but seems like I just can't wrangle it right now.

@kdt26417
One question I have is: Do you *want* to date other people at this time?
Click to expand...
I think so. I did go out on one date a little while back. It was a big fat "meh" for me, which made we wonder if I should even bother and precipitated this thread. Right now the pressure's on for a representative from the universe to show up in my life and say, "You made the right decision, sticking to your guns about polyamory!" It's a lot of pressure for someone to live up to.


@47newbie:
have you examined why the original bi relationship imploded? I raise that question, because it has a significant bearing of those which follow. How willing was Arlo to actually open the marriage in the first place?
Click to expand...
I have gone over my failed relationship with "Coco" a zillion times, as it was very painful and confusing. I suspect she may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she certainly had low empathy, an inability to take responsibility for anything, and a history of devaluing and discarding her romantic relationships. I saw red flags I denied or didn't understand. After a few hot-and-heavy months, she turned from courting and attentive to avoiding and withholding. When I tried to talk to her about it, she became dismissive, disgusted, or downright angry with my "demands." I hung on as long as I could, then ended it.

Arlo did not want to open the marriage, he still would rather not. I wanted it badly enough that I was willing to sacrifice the marriage to have it, and he didn't want that. So we tried to work out compromises we both could live with. I suspect if Arlo was to tell me monogamy forever or no marriage....I can't say for sure, but I can see myself saying, well then, no marriage....even in the absence of another partner currently. I do not think he will ask me for that, but I've urged him to really decide if he can be happy in an open marriage.

I'm leaning towards the following plan: I'll date if someone promising shows up. I will be a little extra-picky, because disappointment after a "meh" date makes me feel worse about my fractured marriage. I will be as honest with everyone, including myself, as I can.
 
Last edited:
47newbie said:
If I were in your position its time to "clean house" and "take stock" of all the relationships around you. Place a value on what you can bring into that relationship, and curtail the rest.
Whether mono or poly its always been about the balancing act between getting and receiving from those relationship what you really need.
Click to expand...
I love this. Really nicely said and something to think about....
 
Re (from LoveBunny):
"Right now the pressure's on for a representative from the universe to show up in my life and say, 'You made the right decision, sticking to your guns about polyamory!' It's a lot of pressure for someone to live up to."
Click to expand...

It's especially a lot of pressure if it's something you don't have the power to make happen. If this universal representative exists, s/he will show up in your life if s/he chooses to do so. I don't think you have any power over that choice, much less over the how and when.

I'm inclined to say that a big clear message like that is more likely to accrete bit by bit over time than it is to boom out of the heavens all at once. And besides, what if the message turns out to be, "Oops, polyamory wasn't as important as you thought it was?"

That's okay, really. You're allowed to be human and goof up here and there. You're even allowed to make some big giant mistakes. It's okay, it's part of the learning process, you have to forgive yourself and move on. You're not required to be "right about polyamory." I would encourage you to try to release yourself from the burden of owing the universe some kind of validation of past decisions. Let the past be past, and live in the here and now.

And whatever message you may hope the universe has in store, there's no reason you can't do some experimental dating in the present. You don't *know* it would be wrong, and so far this thread has rendered the thumbs up for you. So again, let it be part of the learning process, and don't overly stress about whether it's the right thing to do. There's no big obvious sign of it not being the right thing to do. So I say, go ahead and do it. You do think it's something you want to do.

As for that big message from the universe, let it arrive if and when it's right for it to arrive, and don't hold your breath in the meantime; go on out there and live your life. If there's something you should know (from the universe), you'll know when the time is right.

At least that's how I see it.
 
LoveBunny said:
@bookbug: I waffle on that one. I mean, I can BE poly without acting on it, just like I can BE bisexual but only sleep with one gender in mono relationship. Or maybe I can't. I managed it for 10 yrs, but seems like I just can't wrangle it right now.
Click to expand...

I understand. I self-identify as "what works." I am capable of doing either with the right personalities. Right now, the Philosopher and I are doing mono - but he is still healing from a divorce and not always fully emotionally available even to me, much less anyone else. Due to our joint experience with crazy - his ex - neither of us are looking to add anyone new any time soon, if ever. But if the right opportunity presents itself?

So maybe it's not imperative to identify as one or the other? Maybe you're highly adaptable? It does sound like being mono with Arlo was not rocking your world. Only you can speak as to whether that's a need for variety, something missing with Arlo, or maybe a need for autonomy.


As for the Narcissistic personality disorder of your former gf, I feel your pain. So is the Philosopher's ex.
 
@kdt26417
You're allowed to be human and goof up here and there. You're even allowed to make some big giant mistakes. It's okay, it's part of the learning process, you have to forgive yourself and move on. You're not required to be "right about polyamory." I would encourage you to try to release yourself from the burden of owing the universe some kind of validation of past decisions.
Click to expand...
Thank you for this. You're absolutely right.
 
@bookbug: Yeah, I don't even think it's about being polyamorous, monogamous, heterosexual or homosexual, it's this:

My freedom to love who/how I choose is non-negotiable.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top