Advice? There may not be

Peg

Peg

New member
Hello everyone. New. Ironically, I figured poly relationships were dramaish, and I think it's b/c that when people tend to seek advice/help like me.

We got into 'poly' as an open relationship meeting another couple (Dave and BEcca*). We call it progressive swinging, but not really poly, but it feels like that b/c of the intense feelings, talk of love, and possibly fluid bonding. Fireworks. Amazeballs. All the great NRE. At the same time they met another couple we also clicked with, but not on the same level (Tina and Bob*).

That was two months ago. They are closer with the other couple, and I am ok with this. Some slight feelinsg of envy/jealousy, btu they are great people. We have a child- they both do not, so hard to compete. Plus we all offer something different to relationships.

About two weeks ago, Sat night, we went to a party as a 'date' against my better judgement. The party turned into a play party and it got a little out of control. The girl was in an intense threesome with other girls, and my date was making out with another girl. After awhile, I felt like I was doing ok, but was ready to turn this instense sexual energy on ourselves and asked to leave. We got home and they were all over each other...not taking it out on us. I got upset. Tried alking about it, could not articualte, and I decided to leave to process.

The next day She (let's call her Becca) needed some down time. Things had been inteense for awhile and she needed a break. I respected that. I knew about it before our 'date'. I was able to articulate in an email that I now new what a date was, and although we didn't know the party would break into play, we now recognized what a date meant to me, and that those types of swingerish parties were not good places for dates.

I was processing. Things seemed to be ok. We had a plan for a BBQ on Monday night with all six of us. Sundya night Tina and ob come a day early and go see Dave and Becca. Not telling us till Dave messages us 'Guess who came back early and met us for the evening. Oh man that stung. real bad. Stung b/c she was 'taking a day off' stung b/c they chose them over us. and on top of insecure feelings from night before.

We met at BBQ, it was obvious the chem was off in other couples favor. We were only ones who noticed it.

Two weeks later, we have not seen them much. They have been riding a high meeting couples and enjoying ime with others. We have a date planned for tonight, but I have my reservations.

The NRE seems to run out from the guy. Dave says he is interested, bu his actions do not seem to match. He has not intiated conversation at all this week. Always me. We saw each other a a nonplay date function and I had to seek him out. He said he was looking forward to it, but his body language didn't seem to meet it.

This morning I texted him it was great to see him and loking forward to tonight. He said 'It was good to see you' not great, not looking forward to tonight. We have gone from tons of texts to maybe 10 a day. with most of his being non engaging any longer.

He seems to be pulling away. Ok I get it. Normally it wouldn't be so bad. I let it go, I enjoy what we had. My hubby hough is crazy about the girl, and I really like them too. great people. thing is, I am beautiful, confident, and I don't like feeling I have to 'chase' anyone or have them not showing me they are interested.

I am going to wait out tonight. I am really hoping for a great time, and going in with an open mind. But the 'worry' and stupid fear is there. and I am afrad I will 'look' and be oversensitive.

1. How do I just enjoy the evening and try to get rid of expectations.
2. I have good intuition. If my gut says he is not into me, I believe I will know it.
3. How do I handle it if he says' no. I like you eveything is fine' If I ask?

I plan that if I do feel this I will say " Things aren't the same. I miss the way you used to engage me. What's Up.' and see what he says. If he asks why I will site perception of pulling away, energy seems to be dissipating, and my intiation of texts.

If he says things are fine, but actions do not convey it, do I still ask to be friends..say I don't trust him? Or do I ask him what he thinks our relationship looks like? What he wants? Or should I just enjoy the once/twice a month we see each other? whether or not he is into me like he used to be? I am crushing bad, but like I stated. I feel I shouldn't have to beg for attention. Advice?

*names changed
 
Peg said:
Hello everyone. New. Ironically, I figured poly relationships were dramaish, and I think it's b/c that when people tend to seek advice/help like me.
Click to expand...

I have to agree....from all I've seen on this forum, poly relationships very often bring a lot of drama into life. I've seen lots of poly marriages break up, often enough for reasons directly connected to dating other people.

When I used to talk to my XBF about the drama on forums, he insisted that people like him, who were not on forums, just lived their lives drama-free. However, at other times he mentioned various women who had been angry with him, women in tears, women angry at his wife, women hurt, women crying, women wanting to hurt him, women actively trying to hurt him, scenes in restaurants with upset women....

Sounds like drama to me. I've never actually had that many people upset and angry at me. I've virtually never had someone seeking to do me actual harm. I've never had anyone go off on me and cause a scene in a restaurant. Right now, poor XBF has one very angry XGF because of shading the truth about what a poly relationship would be like (anything we want it to be, Baby...not mentioning that 'anything' really meant anything his wife agreed to and allowed.) So he's having to deal with that, and he's going off the deep end into rages justifying that along with a rough time at work, and a wife who is more interested in her boyfriend than in how his day at work went, or his accomplishments there.

Yep, sounds like drama.

But whatever. Probably just bad luck on his part. :p


thing is, I am beautiful, confident, and I don't like feeling I have to 'chase' anyone or have them not showing me they are interested.
Click to expand...

Then don't.
 
Ahh...looks like I posted to soon. He canceled tonight. Saying he was too tired. We had a talk. He says he does like me, still wants to be with me, just been busy.

I told him I understood. IT was important to take care of himself. I also did tell him my perceptions. YEs he was busy, but they had canceled a weekedn out of town next week, to make dates with two other couples and not us. And it was ok to be friends. He says he doesn' want o be friends, so I said ok, I would believe him. And they could make a date when they have time again.

After we go off the phone I messaged him I hope he got the rest he needed and I looked forward to when I would see him again.

He messaged me that he looked forward to it to, valued what we do have and sorry he was so tired.

So I guess thta answers my question. Anyway to delete this thread?
 
Hi Peg,

You have to contact one of the mods if you want to delete this thread (and be aware that they usually don't delete threads).

I'm glad your problem was resolved.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi, welcome to the board. No need to delete a thread if you feel a situation has been resolved.

However, it doesn't sound resolved to me. Your posts were a bit confusing but it sounds to me like this other couple are swingers, not poly. Any "love" feelings you and they experienced were probably NRE. That initial hormonal rush of lust and obsession have faded now, and it seems they have moved on to the next rush with the next couple, or the next couple, or the next couple. :( Sad.
 
I disagree that poly relationships are full of drama.

Mine is not. You just see the drama because those are the people who post on message boards. Poly relationships with no drama are just living their lives. Trust me no one wants to read about my boring life.
 
Hello Dag, thats what I was meaning. We didn't post until there was drama, so it may have been 'skewed' So I agree. I actually know two families in long term poly relationships (2+ years) So I know i is not all drama.

Yes, Much was NRE, but some real feelings developed. Yes the message is confusing, sorry the situation is confusing. I tried to give as many details as I thought were pertinent. In the end, the relationship we thought was going to be long term (hoping to last a year or more) is turning out to not look that way.

I do know this, My hubby is poly. It is one thing we have known for awhile. He likes the connection and dating and loving people. To him the sex is not enough. So no matter what. I feel we have grown and learned from this situation. For me, I am really hurting. I know with relationships, most don't last, but I am hurting right now. I need to process this and not hold this against poly. I know poly is the people and each are unique and different.
 
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