The Second Start

[polytriad]

AWWW! I Just don't know if I have the patience for this. It feels like my Wife is purposely taking her sweet-ass time with moving forward because she knows I'm waiting. I think the reason she is moving like a turtle is because she knows I love Nikki and thinks that I will be putting all my time and energy into Nikki instead of her.

I'm ready to just call this whole thing off and be single! GRRRRR

 

[Ceoli]

I don't understand why they are going down the path of a V when we'd agreed to be working on a triad.

Agreeing to be a triad does not a triad make. It sounds to me like you're trying to slam a square relationship peg into a round emotional hole. Setting out a goal for a particular structure without really knowing if it's the right arrangement usually ends in heartbreak. It's that same thing about pre-scriptive relationships. Emotions rarely follow directions.

Honestly, from what I've seen here, it never seemed like Wifey was fully on board with this. It sounds like part of the purpose of prescribing the triad structure was so that she could feel less insecure about you having another lover, because she'd be fully involved every step of the way, and have some measure of control over your love for Nikki. And it seems she's still attempting to exercise this control. Honestly, I can't see this ending well.

I wrote down quite a few more thoughts about that on this thread.

 

[CielDuMatin]

Agreeing to be a triad does not a triad make. It sounds to me like you're trying to slam a square relationship peg into a round emotional hole. Setting out a goal for a particular structure without really knowing if it's the right arrangement usually ends in heartbreak.

Yes, exactly! This!

What was the reason you decided that it had to be a triad? What does a triad configuration give you that a V doesn't? Is a V not acceptable to one or more of you, and if so, why not?

It's that same thing about prescriptive relationships. Emotions rarely follow directions.

... and doing so causes resentment and various other forms of very bad friction and tension.

 

[NeonKaos]

And it seems she's still attempting to exercise this control.

Or, it could be that Wifey and Nikki hit it off much better than Hubsy could ever have envisioned in his wildest fantasies (perhaps a little TOO well indeed), and they are simply having way too much fun with each other to want to muck it up by making it three. At least, that's the way it looks to me, at this time.

What does a triad configuration give you that a V doesn't? Is a V not acceptable to one or more of you? If not, why not?

Because Hubsy wants to get it on with Nikki. That was the original "goal" of the triad mindset, so that Hubsy could be with both women, and the women wouldn't have to "share" him to the exclusion of one another. That is how I understand it. Of course, I could be missing something.

 

[polytriad]

Agreeing to be a triad does not a triad make. It sounds to me like you're trying to slam a square relationship peg into a round emotional hole. Setting out a goal for a particular structure without really knowing if it's the right arrangement usually ends in heartbreak.

It's that same thing about prescriptive relationships. Emotions rarely follow directions.

From what I've seen here, it never really seemed like Wifey was fully on board with this. It sounds like part of the purpose of prescribing the triad structure was so that she could feel less insecure about you having another lover, because she would be fully involved every step of the way, and have some measure of control over your love for Nikki. And it seems she's still attempting to exercise this control.

Well, this is the arrangement that worked best when we were all involved from the beginning. Now that Wifey knows that I love Nikki, I feel like she is putting a roadblock in front of a turtle. But our prior arrangement was purely sexual. Nikki and I have always had feelings for one another, ever since we met, even before I'd met Wifey!

I'm starting to agree with your comments about Wifey. But its more like Wifey tells me that it is a square hole, and then, at the last minute, it's a circle. Like she doesn't want me to resolve her issues.

What was the reason you decided that it had to be a triad? What does a triad configuration give you that a V doesn't? Is a V not acceptable to one or more of you? If not, why not?

... and doing so causes resentment and various other forms of very bad friction and tension.

Or, it could be that Wifey and Nikki hit it off much better than Hubsy could ever have envisioned in his wildest fantasies (perhaps a little TOO well), and they are simply having way too much fun with each other to want to muck it up by making it three. That's the way it looks to me at this time.

Because Hubsy wants to get it on with Nikki. That was the original "goal" of the triad-mindset-- so that Hubsy could be with both women, and the women wouldn't have to "share" him to the exclusion of one another.

Wifey and Nikki have not hit it off because Wifey is blocking her feelings for Nikki. If they hit it off, then I'd get the invite. This is probably Wifey's fear-- that I would then be able to express my profound love for Nikki.

You hit it on the head about why a triad was the weapon of choice in this battle.

I think I am going to give it until the end of this month. Then, if there is no progress, I will have to make a decision.

 

[Ceoli]

This is the arrangement that worked best, when we were all involved from the beginning. Now that Wifey knows that I love Nikki, I feel like she is putting a roadblock in front of a turtle. But our prior arrangement was purely sexual. Nikki and I have always had feelings for one another, from before I'd met Wifey!

So you guys had a triad that was based on play. Wifey doesn't want feelings to develop unless she also has them? Did you guys seriously believe that you could dictate how each of your feelings would develop in this?

Wifey and Nikki have not hit it off because Wifey is blocking her feelings for Nikki. If they hit it off, I'd get the invite. This is probably Wifey's fear-- that I will now be able to express my profound love for Nikki.

Are you sure Wifey even HAS feelings of attraction to block with regards to Nikki? Honestly, I'm not so sure and it sure sounds like all of you are trying to force the issue by trying to force feelings to develop between Wifey and Nikki that probably aren't there.

You hit it on the head about why triad was this weapon of choice in this battle.

If you're seeing your current relationship structure as a weapon, why even wait a few weeks? I wouldn't want to be in that kind of atmosphere even one more day.

Relationship aren't weapons. They're supposed to be joyous natural bondings that enhance our lives. It sounds like you never really had that as a triad but have been investing all this time in the hopes that that's what will EVENTUALLY happen. That's not based in reality.

Like I said..feelings rarely follow orders. If you don't have joyous love building naturally between the three of you, you can't force it into existence or force it into the shape that suits all of your needs, because it sure sounds like you have VERY different needs here.

 

[CielDuMatin]

I totally agree with Ceoli, here - you have set this thing up in a way that there could only be two outcomes - the one configuration, or total failure. Everyone is under pressure to "make it happen" and nobody likes working when feeling pressured, especially when it comes to romantic feelings about each other.

It's quite possible that your wife doesn't want to move things "to the next step" because she fears what is going to happen, but so what? That means that there is a problem with the next step, not with your wife.

There is so much pressure in this situation, I can feel it all the way from here! You want something with Nikki, your wife isn't comfortable with that yet (or ever), but you are pushing for it to happen in this triad.

Have you thought that this might not be the best for you three? Have you thought that by setting up this "goal" you have caused people to mask their own true feelings about this whole situation, out of fear of what the "next step" might be?

I am also getting the feeling that there are some goods heads of steam built up on the resentment front, and I don't just mean on your part.

Have you shared your posts here and the responses with your wife and/or Nikki? If so, what has been their reaction?

This whole thing sound horrible for everyone involved.

Oh, and why is it you that has to make a decision in what to do? Aren't the three of you working together to make this work?

Edit to add:

I Just don't know if I have the patience for this.

Based on what you have posted here, I would tend to agree with you.

It feels like my Wife is purposely taking her sweet ass time with moving forward because she knows I'm waiting. I think the reason she is moving like a turtle is because she knows I love Nikki and thinks that I will be putting all my time and energy into Nikki instead of her.

Feelings and thoughts on your part. What does she say when you discuss it with her?

I'm ready to just call this whole thing off and be single!

I think that if you continue to push the way it sounds like you are pushing, you might not have a choice in this.

 

[polytriad]

I feel like you guys are beating me up. I need a break from all of this.

 

[NeonKaos]

I feel like you guys are beating me up. I need a break from all of this.

You're posting and people are responding. You've received valuable advice and insights from some people who know what they (and you) are talking about.

Take it easy, dude.

 

[polytriad]

Update!

Things are going better. We had a group counseling session and some things came out. Now Wifey's and Nikki's relationship is thriving. I am still not involved in their relationship, but Wifey and I are doing well in our relationship, too.

 

[polytriad]

Update/Question

Well everyone, it's official. Wifey and Nikki have takin their relationship to the next level. They have decided that they are now in a committed relationship with each other, titles and all...

My question is, now that they are at this point, do I talk to them about making our triad complete? Or should I just sit back and wait until they bring it up to me?

 

[Ariakas]

My logical side says let it develop naturally. My emotional side would punch my logical side in the face and proceed to bring it up,
emotion winning the battle of wills.

Ummmm... I am not in a successful tried or V, so take either piece of advice as you want.

 

[polytriad]

Well, I spoke of making it a triad prematurely, and was told that they were not ready. However, I feel like since circumstances have changed, that I should ask.

"I've seen some significant changes in the relationship between you two and wondered if now would be a good time to discuss being a triad?"

I feel like I would be trying to capitalize on their progress, but at the same time, I'm thinking that it would make since to ask, since things have changed.

My logical side says let it develop naturally. My emotional side would punch my logical side in the face and proceed to bring it up, emotion winning the battle of wills..

Ummmm... I am not in a successful tried or V, so take either piece of advice as you want.

 

[Ariakas]

But maybe their relationship isn't ready to add you yet?

The point of my sarcasm was to hint towards letting it develop naturally. They probably know what you want, and if they mutually want it, will ask.

 

[polytriad]

I'm getting tired of waiting!! It's been 5 months.

 

[Ariakas]

I'm getting tired of waiting!! It's been 5 months.

Well, consider the fact that they haven't moved towards something you want. It could mean that it won't happen, or they are waiting for you.

Are you comfortable enough talking to them about the topic without someone holding any resentment? If so, why not have the conversation again? Put the bug back in their ear.

 

[polytriad]

Had the conversation last night. The response I received was the same I received when they were just dating, which was Wifey saying she isn't ready, and my involvement would halt her progress with Nikki, and that she doesn't know how she would feel about seeing Nikki and me on the same level as she and Nikki are.

It's a lose-lose battle for me. I'm tired of feeling like there has been no progress to add me into the mix slowly. I've been waiting 5 mos and I haven't seen any fruit from my labor. Plus Nikki isn't going to disagree with Wifey and say she is ready to be in a triad, because she would feel like she is putting pressure on Wifey. This is all very frustrating. It's getting difficult to keep my feelings for Nikki at bay.

Well, consider the fact that they haven't moved towards something you want. It could mean that it won't happen, or they are waiting for you.

Are you comfortable enough talking to them about the topic without someone holding any resentment? If so, why not have the conversation again? Put the bug back in their ear.

 

[redpepper]

Had that conversation last night... This is all very frustrating. It's getting difficult to keep my feelings for Nikki at bay.

Um, I think it's done. I think they just don't want to hurt your feelings at this point and really are not all that interested. They probably thought, "Meh *shrug*, it could be kinda fun, but not that much fun."

I think it might be time to put your energy elsewhere, see what you have been missing out on for the last five months, move on to your own stuff outside of them.

Just a thought.

 

[polytriad]

New approach

I have decided to have a new approach to our pending triad. When you meet someone you don't just jump to just being together. Instead, you date and things go from there. The way I have been approaching things now has been when they are ready, then it will just be.

I'm going to ask them to let me date them as a unit that way Wifey and Nikki can decide together what pace is best.

I don't understand how I thought it would be okay to just go right to "we're together" before we have even dated.

Thoughts?

 

[idealist]

I have decided to have a new approach to our pending triad. When you meet someone you dont just jump to just being together, instead you date and things go from there. Now the way I have been approaching things now has been when they are ready then it will just be.

I'm going to ask them to let me date them as a unit that way Wifey and Nikki can decide together what pace is best.

I don't understand how I thought it would be ok to just go right to "we're together" before we have even dated.

Thoughts?

I agree with most of what you said, with one exception. This is what I would suggest. Don't ask them if they are willing to date you as a "unit." That is going to make them start thinking about it and possibly over-analyzing it. Just start thinking of things to do that they both like and say, "Would you guys like to ________ next weekend?"

Basically, just do it and stop talking about it. Start dating them (as a "unit") without saying that's what you're doing. And if they say it, act pleasantly surprised. I think it needs to seem natural to them. I think they may feel more comfortable if it just naturally happens. Relationships just naturally happen by spending time together and enjoying each other's company.