Polyamory and asexuality

I can suggest various links and ways of meeting new people, if you're interested. Finding a new/additional partner can take awhile and require patience, but there are resources you can turn to.

Scott suggested seeing a couples counselor and I think that might be a good idea. Your partner says his (her?) decision to stop having sex is due to work schedule, loss of sex drive, etc., but it's also possible that something deeper and more psychological is driving this decision. A counselor might be able to help you get to the bottom of that mystery.

Why do *you* think your partner has decided to stop having sex ... if I may ask?

[Mods: If I get us too far out on a tangent, perhaps Post #77 on forward could be transferred into a new thread? Let me know ...]
 
jujube said:
This person is saying they are DONE with sex at 40, and I have not diminished. Please understand, there has been no fight or problem. This just recently became a conversation between us. I am at a loss here.
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I wouldn't personally be able to remain in a relationship like that. Even if they agreed I could have other partners, I would ask them to move out so I could have a complete relationship with someone. For me to have romantic feelings for someone, there must be sex involved. Without that element it is just a platonic friendship. One of the reasons I left my ex was lack of intimacy.

You have to do what fits your needs. You might be different than me and decide that you are fine in a sexless relationship. I personally can't.
 
I don't think it is fair to suddenly make a claim like that, if you had regular sex up until that point. It seems to be a pretty strange thing to do. OTOH, if you only had occasional sex for a period of time, it would make more sense.
 
I was in a sexless marriage for far too many years. I decided against sex because my wife asked me, "Why can't you love me without having to have sex with me?" To me that meant that if I desired sex with her that I didn't love her, but I did love her.

To this day I have trouble with the whole sex thing. I don't feel comfortable acting on sexual desires. My wife has sex with other men and has lovers and boyfriends. I do not have intercourse with my wife because of my previous marriage and my understanding from my ex and my Tantric teachings from Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. I see myself as better than other men because I am beyond sexual desire. Does that make me asexual? Probably not, but my wife and I still have a marital relationship where I do not have intercourse with her. I am intimate with her on many non-sexual levels, and we do love each other.
 
Vajra said:
To this day I have trouble with the whole sex thing. I don't feel comfortable acting on sexual desires. My wife has sex with other men and has lovers and boyfriends. I do not have intercourse with my wife because of my previous marriage and my understanding from my ex and my Tantric teachings from Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. I see myself as better than other men because I am beyond sexual desire. Does that make me asexual? Probably not, but my wife and I still have a marital relationship where I do not have intercourse with her. I am intimate with her on many non-sexual levels, and we do love each other.
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This doesn't sound like you're asexual, but like celibacy/abstinence.

You are suppressing (or trying to transcend, or whatever you're okay with calling it) your desire for sex. If you were asexual, you simply would not have any desire for partnered sex to begin with.

Of course, in practice, you'll share a lot of similarities in your marriage with "mixed" relationships where one partner is asexual and the other isn't (like the one I'm in with R. - I'm ace, she's not).
 
Primary and me

I don't know if there is still the debate if there can be a poly relationship where one or more are asexual. However, I just want to say that my primary and I are in a similar situation. Both of us have different views when it comes to sex. I'm of a highly sexual nature, whereas she is asexual. We both understand the needs of the other because we were friends for so long it is almost natural feelings we have for each other. It was because of our joining that she actually rekindled my desire to start being myself and be devoted to a poly lifestyle.

She always uses the saying "you never know," *chuckles* but considering how long it has been for her, I wouldn't doubt if the interest never comes up. Though I do have to agree, you never know.

She is very comfortable with saying she is asexual. All we have so far done is hold hands, cuddle, and given each other very tender kisses. I think she's happy to have someone who is willing to agree to her limitations, whereas I am happy simply to have been chosen.
 
Re:
"I don't know if there is still the debate if there can be a poly relationship where one or more are asexual."
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I couldn't tell ya, but it is my understanding that poly does involve romance/falling in love, even though it doesn't necessarily have to involve sex.
 
Argh! I love this topic! I wish we had more asexual folks who shared because I'm so fucking curious. I don't mean to make you folks feel like I want to put you under the microscope. It's just a state of being a truly can't relate to, but have been curious to understand better since I watched one of those dumb documentaries about it.

I'd love to see more topics from asexuals to help balance out the ever-present D/s topics!

I don't have anything further to add. I just wanted to say that I've gone back through and caught up, and really appreciate those of you who had the courage and patience to chime in. I feel like my understanding of one possible asexual point of view is much deeper now.
 
Marcus said:
I wish we had more asexual folks who shared, because I'm so fucking curious. It's a state of being a truly can't relate to, but have been curious to understand better since I watched one of those dumb documentaries about it.

I've gone back through and caught up and really appreciate those of you who had the courage and patience to chime in. I feel like my understanding of one possible asexual point of view is much deeper now.
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What do ya wanna know?

I don't have any topics to spam the boards with, and the majority of other threads are (obviously) far out of my area of experience, but I'm fine chiming in on this one and similar ones (like that one on poly and virginity a year back) if and when I can. Obviously, it's still just going to be the voice of this one specific ace. I do not claim to speak for all of us.
 
InsaneMystic said:
What do ya wanna know? :)
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I wish I knew! I'm just excited when one of our friendly neighborhood asexuals decides to chime in on a topic. Honestly, that's the rub, that I have so little connection with how you view connecting with other folks romantically that I wouldn't even know what question to ask. This thread has given me a great deal of opportunity to learn quite a bit.

I'll have to ponder it, though, since there has been an open invitation. No doubt any question I ask would seem silly to you... Far be it from me to open my mouth, even though other people dread it.
 
InsaneMystic said:
What do ya wanna know? :)

I don't have any topics to spam the boards with, and the majority of other threads are (obviously) far out of my area of experience... but I'm fine chiming in on this one and similar ones (like that one on poly and virginity a year (?) back) if and when I can.
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Same here. :) I don't post much because I can't relate to many topics here and my relationship experience is too far from even the poly norm, but I'm happy to chime in if I do have something to say on a certain topic. I don't read most of the threads here, but I'll definitely keep following this one.

Actually, you know what? It was this thread that led me to a BBC article over two years ago, which in turn led me to AVEN and the discovery of my asexuality. :)
 
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I would absolutely think that anyone can enter into intimate polyamorous relationships with or without sex.

I don't identify as asexual at all, but my absolute favorite "form" (if you will) of intimacy is intellectual intimacy. I find it much more comforting and thrilling than sexual intimacy. I think we all express and receive intimacy differently, but the idea of intimacy is pretty universal- and no, it's not exclusively sexual. Intimacy just means closeness.

Good luck writing your own script! :)

Also, I'm also interested in connecting with asexuals and learning more about the experiences of those who identify as asexual live through. My husband has been really researching it and he thinks he might identify as asexual.
 
jujube said:
What if your relationship (poly from the start, and sexual, and intimate, etc.), after seven years or so, one partner declares that they will no longer be sexually involved? They claim this is due to work schedule, loss of sex drive, etc. This is rather sudden, and I am wondering what to do now. This person is saying they are DONE with sex at 40, and I have not diminished. There has been no fight or problem; this just recently became a conversation between us.
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That would simply not be acceptable to me. I want sex in a relationship and regard it as part of the package deal. Sometimes sex might not be possible, but if you stop having sex because of your job... get another job.
 
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