Could use some advice...

LoveThemAll

LoveThemAll

New member
Hi. I could use some advice. My boyfriend Chance is struggling with his wife's relationship with her boyfriend, Paris. April and Paris have been dating for about 6 months. She has fallen in love with him even though he has been kind of stringing her along recently. One day he will obsess over her, texting her, and wanting to spend tons of time with her, then the next day he will ignore her and act like she doesn't exist. It's really messing with her emotions. She loves the guy and wants to give him the benefit of the doubt, but everyone is getting tired of his crap. Chance and I both think that he is trying to convince her to commit to a monogamous relationship with him.

Meanwhile, she is taking it all out on Chance. He is having to pick up the pieces when Paris screws up and breaks April's heart. He is worried that April will decide to leave him for Paris. I've been trying to support him as much as I can and just be there to listen as he works through everything. But now I'm struggling with how to help him stay positive.

Chance loves his wife and he says he can't imagine his life without her (they've been together for 9 years). He has considered stepping aside so April can be happy, but I know he will be miserable if he does. Does anyone have any experience or advice for us? I love Chance and he knows I'll be there for him no matter what happens, but it kills me when he's upset and stressed like he is. HELP!
 
Hi CeCe,

Maybe April needs to ask Paris why he is running hot and cold on her. And, if she needs a certain amount of attention from Paris every day, she should tell him that and see how he responds.

Don't be too quick to jump to any conclusions. Get the channels of communication flowing and find out what's really going on here. That way you won't be making decisions based on guesswork.

I hope you can all get things worked out. It sounds like this is really hard on Chance.
 
Since *you* can't actually do anything about his wife's other relationships, if I were you, I'd tell Chance to stop complaining to you about her. Of course it is stressing you out to hear about all that angst and whatever bullshit is going on! No one wants to be a sounding board for discussing problems all the time - especially when you're having to listen to all these details about someone else's relationship that is none of your business anyway! It is unfair to you that he is doing that. If he can't stop it, take a break frrom being around him for a while.

Chance needs to attend to each of his relationships without dragging the drama of one into the dynamic of the other. All you need to worry about is taking care of yourself and your relationships. April and Paris are dealing with their own shit the best way they know how. Don't stick your nose in where it doesn't belong.
 
Thanks for the advise so far. It's good to get other perspectives. I don't really mind that Chance comes to me to vent or talk through his feelings. I encourage him to do so. For me, I'd much rather sit and listen to him vent than to tell him to keep it to himself and have something bad happen as a result. I did suggest that we all sit down together and have a chat so we can all get on the same page. Is that a good idea? If so, any suggestions on how to get everyone to agree?
 
I'm not much of an expert on how to get everyone to agree. If you can get everyone to sit down together and talk, that's a good start. Of course, productive communication is highly complex and takes a lot of practice. You have to learn to "own your own stuff," not inadvertently wording anything so it could be interpreted as a statement of blame. And most of all, you have to get better and better at listening. That means quieting your own mind while the other person's talking -- among other things.

This is all stuff you probably already know, but I thought I'd reiterate it just to be safe.
 
There are an awful lot of moving parts here and your situation is a good reminder that all of life and everyone we know is not under our control. What helps me in these tornado-type situations is to focus on my own calm center, shoring up my own peaceful core. Any calm spot in a life-tornado like this is going to have much more positive effect than a hundred attempts to influence this or that outcome. If you feel good talking with Chance about this, then by all means, go for it, but you're going to meet with a whole lot of heartache and frustration if you try to organize a certain outcome with all of the people involved.

And this from nycindie bears repeating. We are never in a position to truly understand someone else's relationship, no matter how well intentioned we are or how emotionally close we may be to one or both involved.
nycindie said:
.....someone else's relationship [that] is none of your business anyway!
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LoveThemAll said:
. . . everyone is getting tired of his crap. Chance and I both think that he is trying to convince her to commit to a monogamous relationship with him.

I did suggest that we all sit down together and have a chat so we can all get on the same page.
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If I were Paris, and my girlfriend's partner and his partner sat down with me to have some kind of "helpful" intervention about how I treat my girlfriend, I'd be hitting the road. So, unless that's what you're trying to do to April and Paris, I'd hold off on scheduling a meeting for all four of you to talk about their relationship and "his crap".


LoveThemAll said:
I love Chance and he knows I'll be there for him no matter what happens, but it kills me when he's upset and stressed like he is.
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Focus on the first part of this, if it's truly how you feel, and accept that unconditional support for anyone sometimes will hurt (it's not really killing you, is it?). Focus on your relationship with Chance - everything it is, not just the care and support that is specifically about weathering the April storm.

Let Chance decide if he will be there for April no matter what, or if he will define limits and decide to walk away. You will be there for him no matter what. Stick to that. Let him and April figure out what their relationship can be. Definitely let April and Paris figure out theirs - that's not something either you or Chance own any part of. Unless they are weirdly open to advice from interested but uninvolved parties, you can only make their situation worse by meddling.

It's a sucky situation. But only a wee corner of it is *yours*. Keep that wee corner clean and healthy and don't stick it in other people's big bubbles of crap.
 
I agree, stay out of it. Tell chance you don't want to hear about it. April needs to find something other than Paris to satisfy her. If she's freaking out because he's busy and not up her ass then she needs to work on some codependancy issues.and she's taking it out on chance the fact that she's upset she needs to stop doing that. sounds like chance needs to stand up for himself
 
Sigh. I am sorry you deal in this. :(

Thing is, you cannot control other people's "willing and able." It's not your problem to solve, even though by choosing to participate in polyship here some of it leaks over on to you when it continues to go unsolved. It's the polymath thing.

The choices as I see them? To me this sounds like it isn't a "win-lose" kinda thing but a "which stinks the least" choice. And it is nested a few layers deep because of that polymath ripple effect.

YOU

You are in charge of your well-being. Things you choose to allow in close proximity in your life either add to it or take away from it.

If it becomes to great for you to be near? You could step back and put some distance there. Tell Chance you need to step back for your own stress and to call you when it is solved. Then you guys can resume. You have to solve YOUR stinkeroo and "which stinks least?" questions:

  • Does it stink less for me to step back so I am less affected by Chance's responses to the (April + Paris) hooha?
  • Or is it less stinky for me to continue to be Chance's venting person hearing all this stuff?

You are posting, so to be it sounds like you want to be FREE of it. I suggest you step back.

If everyone is up for a group talk to arrive at solutions, you could try it, but it doesn't sound like all people are to me. To me it sounds like Paris is ok being how he is. Why would he suddenly want to practice self control around April? In staying, she's showing she is willing to be treated poorly and willing to be strung along. If Paris gets off on that, why would he suddenly want to stop?

CHANCE

Chance is in charge of his well being. Things he chooses to allow in close proximity in his life either add to it or take away from it.

He will be sad for a time if he breaks up. But in time, he will make a new life post-divorce for himself. So if he's really thinking about stepping aside? He could set a time frame for himself.

  • Does it stink less for Chance to stay here with (April + Paris) hooha with no end in sight?
  • Or is it less stinky for Chance to set a date for himself to bow out, so the stink has an end point for HIM -- even if April chooses to continue to participate in (April + Paris) hooha?

He does not have to ask her to choose between him and Paris. He will simply remove himself from the line of fire so he can feel better. Lingering in the healing place is a good place to linger to me. Lingering in the "up in the air" place is not.

APRIL

April is in charge of her well being. Things she chooses to allow in close proximity in her life either add to it or take away from it.

She has to decide on her own stinkaroo.

  • Does it stink less for April to date Paris with the hot/cold push/pull thing stringing her along thing?
  • Or is it less stinky for April to break up with him and not deal with it any more?

You waiting to be decisive about your well being
because you are waiting on Chance to be decisive about his well being
because he's waiting on April to be decisive about her well being
because she's waiting on Paris to decide to stop choosing to behave badly toward her?​

That makes no sense to me.

Take care of you first -- get your own oxygen mask on first. Could consider stepping back. I suspect you will find the rest resolves itself one way or another once one person gets decisive. The ripple effect sometimes works in the other direction also.

At any rate, it can be solved for YOU even if the rest choose to keep on the merry-go-round.

Again, I'm sorry you deal in this. I can imagine it is not fun for you. :eek:

Galagirl
 
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