Just Starting and Need Some Hard Advise

D

dover

New member
Hi!

Need some community advise...

My partner and I have recently embarked in opening our relationship. It has been incredible for the both of us, however I find myself having jealousy issues. We are two women who have been together for 4 years. Since we started dating we have always expected that we would be in an open relationship eventually. My partner, suffers from anxiety and depression and she was in a slump for a while (just about 1 year). Seemed like there was nothing I could possibly do to help her. We also have not had sexual intimacy for about 6 months. I do have a stronger sex drive then her, but it has been horribly frustrating for me.

About 2 months ago I opened the conversation to start seeing other people with us maintaining our primary status. Although this was the case we were not smart about it and we did not form proper boundaries. A month later, she meets a guy who really made an impression on her. On their second date they have sex. I found out the next day when she told me, and I was very shocked. She was shocked on how I reacted and, frankly, I was as well. I had never felt jealousy and it was not something I was able to control. Through conversations and literature I was able to come to an understand of my feelings of fear and intense jealousy and realize where they were really coming from.

It's been over a month, I have a secondary relationship as well (also with a guy) and my primary partner and I have become even stronger in our relationship. I love her now more than ever, however we still have issues being sexually intimate. Every time I have tried initiating, she is not into it and does not want to talk about it. Usually due to her being tired and there is never really good time to talk about it. I tried to put my foot down last night (we will not see each other for a few days) and she was completely unreceptive. She really was very tired, I was also, however I wanted to share a pleasurable experience with her before I left. Although I have other relationships, she is the only one I crave and want to be with utterly. I feel as if I am using my secondary relationship to fulfill my sexual needs, but it does not help me with controlling my desire for my primary partner. Especially since she has been with her secondary.

She has been wrapped up with family keeping her closer to her new relationship. Every time they have been together they have had sex, and I have felt terrible every time she tells me about. I am glad she tells me and I am happy for her but, mind you, we have yet to be intimate. She assures me of her love and commitment to me and life together. I feel like she is feeding me ideas I want to hear so she does not have to deal with her telling me her dark truth, that she does not want to be with women sexually. This is one my fears however I have plainly asked and she has honestly told me that she does find me sexually attractive, but of course we do not get into detail.

I also have issues talking about this, I feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed. Originally, the issue was initiation. Of course, I have problems initiating so this was a tough one. The real issue is that we cannot get lost in the moment of being intimate. There has never been a time when I haven't initiated, she rejects me every time giving me an excuse and not any room to try again. Always want to crawl up in a ball and disappear. I feel absolutely unwanted by the only person I want.

This is the only aspect of our relationship that needs major work. We are on the same page on everything, so much so I am willing to do whatever it takes to get us on a page that we are both satisfied in with this. She is about to leave for a few months and we need to have this rectified before she is gone. I know our relationship will survive this because we always compromise. Completely understand that this issue will take a while to fix however I need some piece of mind.

What advice can you give me?

I am happy to elaborate.
 
I'm sorry you are struggling. :(

Let me repeat back what I understand. Correct me if I am wrong, ok?

PROBLEM:

You want sex to be a frequent component of your primary relationship.
She is your primary. As such, you expect sex to be a frequent component of your relationship with her.
It's not happening here. The actuality does not match the expectation. You are experiencing internal conflict.

Exacerbated by hearing about her frequent sex with her BF, because that inspires envy in you. She grants him a privilege you wish she'd grant you -- frequent sex share with her.

POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS

I would suggest this for sure:

  • Ask her to please stop oversharing sex details with her BF. He's a current lover. That's enough for you for sex health labs. You don't need to now how often.

Then one of these:

  • You decide to stop wanting sex to be a frequent component of your primary relationships.You update your definition of "primary" to reflect that. You inform her. She chooses to continues as your primary. Sex stays at the level it is at and it no longer jars. Expectation matches outcome.
  • You decide she is no longer your primary. You stop expecting sex to be a frequent component of your relationship with her. You inform her and you guys sort it out. She choose to becomes secondary, tertiary, or friend only. Another way for expectation (less frequent sex or no sex) to match outcome (secondary, tertiary, friend).

I cannot think of anything else for how to solve internal conflict between your expectations and your actuality.

Again I'm sorry you are struggling. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
How is the non-sexual intimacy and affection in your relationship? Are your needs being met in that department?
 
I feel for you, honey.

I am also in a long term FF relationship. My partner is in therapy and on meds for anxiety. Her sex drive is sporadic, and once we were past the 3 month mark in our relationship, it became infrequent. Not to the point where we were never having it, like you, but I like sex every day and she was content with maybe once every 7 to 10 days. Ugh.

The good news is, with therapy and meds, and making life changes, her libido has increased. Some anti-depressants can lower sex drive, but she is on Wellbutrin and Abilify and it doesn't seem to affect her libido one way or another.

I am sorry your gf is having frequent sex with her new bf and still ignoring your needs. That is just rude. Of course NRE (new relationship energy) can boost a sagging or absent sex drive. I bet you two had frequent sex the first few months of your r'ship too. I bet your gf will have less and less sex with her bf as time goes on, if she continues depressed and anxious. I've had times when my gf and I had not had sex in a while, or had some, but it was short and meh, and yet she goes online and flirts and gets turned on by boys. Man, does that hurt.

I tell her how it hurts.

But whatever your gf is doing, I completely understand how even when we are poly and getting sex from an OSO, as you now are, it doesn't stop us madly desiring the primary! I totally get that, and just wanted to tell you so. It's really frustrating, and I've cried over it. We've worked through it to a large extent. I still have a higher sex drive, but can usually get some action every other day or so. :)

Oddly she desires me more, I think, when I have a bf, or at least a couple men I am sexting with, since she says it takes the pressure off her to have sex with me, and that makes her want to have sex with me! Also, she gets turned on when others desire me. Weird, but true.

Women are weird. That damn estrogen. I am female but I do feel I have the libido of a 16 year old boy, since I went through menopause. I often date young men since our libidos match.
 
Thank you!

Thank you very much for your suggestions. I do understand I am new to this type of relationship, however these are not viable options for me and I am almost sure it is not for her.

Unfortunately, I am not willing to change our primary status to reflect a non sexual relationship, nor will she ever be considered a secondary. We are engaged and I must reiterate, every aspect of life and relationship is beyond ideal.

I do understand it seems these are the only options, however, there must be another way for us to figure this out. We've gone to one couples therapy session (due to holiday time and money we have not been able to go back) and it was very productive. She admitted her sex drive is low and wants to try out tactics to increase it.

The problem is, there hasn't been a good time for the two of us to speak about this. Due to her being away, she finds when we are together, she would rather relax and turn off her brain. We have wonderful moments together, and the minute this conversation is brought up in any way it completely ruins it. I think it's mainly because she knows I am envious of the sexual relationship she has with her BF and knows how much it's hurting me. She would rather sweep it under the rug until there is another appropriate moment to talk about it.

We are going to have one full week together till the end of the month. I am hoping we will be able to get to a point where there is a compromise of some sort.

I think it would be a good idea to mention the two scenarios you suggested and see what her reaction is to that. But I would have to set a disclaimer that they are not what I want for our relationship.
 
jayblue122 said:
How is the non-sexual intimacy and affection in your relationship? Are your needs being met in that department?
Click to expand...

Very much so. We are incredibly affectionate towards each other, for whatever reason the minute sex is in the mix it's as if she reverts from me.
 
Magdlyn said:
I feel for you, honey.

I am also in a long term FF relationship. My partner is in therapy and on meds for anxiety. Her sex drive is sporadic, and once we were past the 3 month mark in our relationship, it became infrequent. Not to the point where we were never having it, like you, but I like sex every day and she was content with maybe once every 7 to 10 days. Ugh.

The good news is, with therapy and meds, and making life changes, her libido has increased. Some anti-depressants can lower sex drive, but she is on Wellbutrin and Abilify and it doesn't seem to affect her libido one way or another.

I am sorry your gf is having frequent sex with her new bf and still ignoring your needs. That is just rude. Of course NRE (new relationship energy) can boost a sagging or absent sex drive. I bet you two had frequent sex the first few months of your r'ship too. I bet your gf will have less and less sex with her bf as time goes on, if she continues depressed and anxious. I've had times when my gf and I had not had sex in a while, or had some, but it was short and meh, and yet she goes online and flirts and gets turned on by boys. Man, does that hurt.

I tell her how it hurts.

But whatever your gf is doing, I completely understand how even when we are poly and getting sex from an OSO, as you now are, it doesn't stop us madly desiring the primary! I totally get that, and just wanted to tell you so. It's really frustrating, and I've cried over it. We've worked through it to a large extent. I still have a higher sex drive, but can usually get some action every other day or so. :)

Oddly she desires me more, I think, when I have a bf, or at least a couple men I am sexting with, since she says it takes the pressure off her to have sex with me, and that makes her want to have sex with me! Also, she gets turned on when others desire me. Weird, but true.

Women are weird. That damn estrogen. I am female but I do feel I have the libido of a 16 year old boy, since I went through menopause. I often date young men since our libidos match.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the hands on advise!

I do feel there is a little excitement and lust going on because she is just starting off. The same with me, but it sure doesn't stop my desire for her it only increases it.

I do think the more I push the subject on her the less sexually appealing I seem to her, which is completely understandable. To be honest, I turn myself off every time I bring it up.

How do I bring this conversation up without seeming like:
a. a sexual predator towards her
b. a whinny child who isn't getting what she wants
or
c. obviously jealous and envious of the situation she is engaged in

I have a very hard time hiding my emotions, especially from her. She knows me and my antics.
 
You say your physical affection is at a good level; it just kind of conks out with a transition from affection to sex.

One thing some therapists recommend in a situation like that is that you *just* have physical affection. Hold each other. Hug. Kiss. Touch each other... but only NONsexually. Lie in bed together, either clothed or naked depending on your comfort levels, but don't attempt anything sexual; just be there together.

Sometimes that physical contact, especially if you're able to do skin-to-skin without trying to push it into sex, can build desire for each other. In some cases, it even helps to specifically agree that you CAN'T have sex, you can ONLY touch; a little bit of reverse psychology/forbidden fruit.

Because of PTSD, I have a very variable sex drive. Sometimes I'm completely into it, initiating it, and have it daily and still want more. Other times, I cringe at even the word "sex", let alone any activity, and attempting to do anything sexual with Hubby pushes me into a panic attack or even a full-on flashback. (I haven't experienced that yet with S2, mercifully...he knows I have PTSD but not exactly why, and he has yet to see me in meltdown mode and I'd prefer to keep it that way.)

Hubby and I have found that if I'm in a no-sex, don't-touch-me phase, just lying together in physical contact with each other with absolutely zero pressure toward any sexual activity helps me get through that phase sooner. Sometimes it only takes once, sometimes it takes a few days, but either way, once that no-pressure contact starts getting through to my brain as "I'm safe, I get to make the decisions here, I can do or not do what I choose", I usually end up wanting him enough to initiate sex.
 
What a great idea!

I think this would be really perfect for us. It's been really odd trying to get in the moment with her. It's as if she knows I am going to try and she knows she's not going to be into it. There are a lot of underlying complexes with both of us that I'm sure is causing this one divide. I feel like I've been trying to fulfill her sexually since she's being seeing her secondary to make myself feel better about this situation, which I know is incredibly damaging.

She gets in to town in a few days and I have a nice date night planned out for us. I know she'll be seeing her BF the night before and I will probably see mine as well. I think laying together affectionately and, outlining it is not a prelude to sex, will be perfect for us when we see eachother again.

It's difficult to convey the entire situation, there is of course layers to all of this.
 
In case it helps...

This seems like a thing to me. Apart from a need for connection (which you want via sex) there is a need for connection via communication. You want time to talk about the things that concern you and you are not getting that.

Due to her being away, she finds when we are together, she would rather relax and turn off her brain. We have wonderful moments together, and the minute this conversation is brought up in any way it completely ruins it. I think it's mainly because she knows I am envious of the sexual relationship she has with her BF and knows how much it's hurting me. She would rather sweep it under the rug until there is another appropriate moment to talk about it.
Click to expand...

I get not wanting to walk into the house and be hit up with WHOOSH right off the bat!

But IS the moment put on the calendar though? So you know that if not this very minute, it will come? That "no, not at this time" does not mean "no, not ever."

Then she can have her relax time, and you can relax too knowing that you have your time to talk it out on the calendar like an appointment?

Then you don't have to be worrying about this:

How do I bring this conversation up without seeming like:
a. a sexual predator towards her
b. a whinny child who isn't getting what she wants
or
c. obviously jealous and envious of the situation she is engaged in
Click to expand...

Because you don't HAVE to bring it up. It is scheduled already.

Do you guys not have times set apart for relationship management talks? We try for weekly-isn. Sort out the upcoming week in calendars, SWOT anything coming up on the horizon and make the plan to handle it, bring up any concerns that need to be made known.

Sometimes we skip and wing it, but other times we get stricter with it. Like now -- with holiday goings on, we will probably get tighter with it so things don't get lost in the flurry of extra activities.

We've gone to one couples therapy session (due to holiday time and money we have not been able to go back) and it was very productive. She admitted her sex drive is low and wants to try out tactics to increase it.
Click to expand...

Before I was thinking of the things only you could do.

If she's also willing to do things... perhaps save up to go back to counseling? Has she had a check up? Is it hormone shifts, medication, BCP, etc affecting her libido? Make regular relationship management time?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
What would I have done without this site?!

We totally didn't even think of weekly relationship management talks.

Feeling better about it already. I hope she's receptive to all of this, because I am certainly going to try all of this advise out.

We've built such an incredible life in the short years we've been together I would hate for this new lifestyle to end it due to my insecurities. Not trying to put all the blame on me, but I am really the only stressing. She has found such happiness and a new found sense of self that I haven't seen in her for a while.

It irks me that she can't see my point of view even though she knows our lack of sexual interaction bothers me. There would be no problem at all if this part of our relationship was solid. I would even encourage her to see him more often. I had a feeling a few weeks ago that this would invigorate her sexual attraction for me, my encounters with others has only strengthened my desire for her, to a point where it's driving me crazy that she is continuing to reject me.

I can't anticipate trying the same thing over and expect a different result. We've see each other so seldom the past month in a half I have tried initiating sex every night we get to spend alone. We have such amazing days together it really puts me in the mood when we're alone and I just can't help myself. She shoots me down in the most polite manner every time.

This is why my mind wonders and I start believing she doesn't even want me sexually. Although she states that sex with him isn't even that good (which hurts even more), and she always makes me feel like she is attracted to me by the affection she does give me, I do want and need more reassurance. Am I asking too much?

Need to explain all of this to her.
 
Glad that helps some.

to a point where it's driving me crazy that she is continuing to reject me.
Click to expand...

"Not having sex right now" is not "rejection of you."

Be careful when you talk to her of putting evaluation words in her mouth. IME, people don't like that. And it derails the main conversation with side trips of "No, I am not! Yes, you are!" kinda stuff.

Could slow it down, and just ask for a regular time to do relationship management talk to start. One item at a time. Make the space first now that you see it was lacking. Then back off.

Don't pile on every thing ever in one sitting. That makes the sittings dreadful! It's ok to keep a bullet list,knock out what you can in a hour, and table the rest for next week. YWKIM? Take it slower.

Galagirl
 
I'll second GalaGirl's suggestion of not piling everything on at once. My husband and I have weekly relationship chats that we plan ahead of time. At the beginning, Roger and I agree to whatever time we'd like to spend talking (e.g., 30 mins, an hour). He and I then both offer up topics that might be important to cover in that discussion and decide what could be tabled for the next week (e.g., talking about seeing family for the holidays and how we will carve out time for our relationship can wait a week if one of us is struggling with something currently). If one of us starts getting off topic, then it's up for the other one to gently point that out and both of us to decide if we'd like to change topics or save that new one for a different conversation. We finish our discussion in the last 5-10 mins by summarizing the main points, restating our plans for addressing concerns, and reflecting on what topics we might want to discuss next week. Sounds all formal and structured, but it helps us stay on topic and actually get our hands dirty working in one or two problems, with an end time in mind. Roger can feel more safe opening up knowing it's not going to be a 5 hour long, overwhelmingly emotional conversation, and I can feel more comfortable sharing my emotions, knowing he'll be engaged and responsive.
 
Adding to what Gala Girl and reflections have said-- If your experience is like mine, it will be easier not to pile on everything at once when you've established a habit of checking in with each other. (On the occasions we miss a check-in, my urge to solve ALL THE PROBLEMS right now becomes a lot harder to ignore.)
 
dover said:
We've built such an incredible life in the short years we've been together I would hate for this new lifestyle to end it due to my insecurities. Not trying to put all the blame on me, but I am really the only stressing. She has found such happiness and a new found sense of self that I haven't seen in her for a while.
Click to expand...

You mean since you two have started practicing polyamory? That has only been 2 months, and she has only been with her new guy one month! Happiness because of NRE can be short-lived, sometimes... once the shine comes off the new and shiny. Of course, he may be a great guy and it could turn into a LTR, but you can't count your chickens.

It irks me that she can't see my point of view even though she knows our lack of sexual interaction bothers me.
Click to expand...

That is extremely frustrating, when our partner lacks compassion. I find it to be very selfish. In fact, my last bf had Asperger's Syndrome. A common trait of Aspies is to be unable to understand anyone is experiencing an emotion or reaction to a situation other than what they themselves are feeling. I am not saying your gf is Aspie, but I do know what you are going through. Again.

There would be no problem at all if this part of our relationship was solid. I would even encourage her to see him more often. I had a feeling a few weeks ago that this would invigorate her sexual attraction for me, my encounters with others has only strengthened my desire for her, to a point where it's driving me crazy that she is continuing to reject me.
Click to expand...

I hate that feeling of rejection. When it happens week after week, it can feel crushing to the self-esteem. Having another (secondary or co-primary) partner who does NOT reject one can help a bit, but it's not a perfect solution. It just lets off a little steam, while you continue to deal with the unmatched libido of your primary.

I can't anticipate trying the same thing over and expect a different result. We've seen each other so seldom the past month in a half I have tried initiating sex every night we get to spend alone. We have such amazing days together it really puts me in the mood when we're alone and I just can't help myself. She shoots me down in the most polite manner every time.

This is why my mind wonders and I start believing she doesn't even want me sexually. Although she states that sex with him isn't even that good (which hurts even more), and she always makes me feel like she is attracted to me by the affection she does give me, I do want and need more reassurance. Am I asking too much?

Need to explain all of this to her.
Click to expand...

I think, like others have said, it's time to STOP initiating sex. As background, do you have any idea why she is seeming so asexual? Does she have a background of abuse, or other kinds of issues around feeling repressed? I know my gf does, and she's been in therapy for several years and has unknotted much of the baggage in her past that represses her and made her think her own desire was "bad."

But as far as what you can do... My gf and I have worked out that on the days she doesn't want sex (doesn't want to be touched on her erogenous zones), I can masturbate next to her, and just hold her, touch areas like her arms, shoulders or thighs, even kiss her some, and pleasure myself. I find just touching those areas quite arousing enough to get myself off, and I appreciate she will let me at least cuddle while I am jilling off. I find it helps a lot to not have to hide my masturbation like a lot of people do with partners with lower libidos. It takes away the feelings of loneliness and even shame around one's desire. My gf even tells me I am sexy when I am doing this, which is nice. Of course, I find it odd she finds me beautiful and sexy but doesn't want to actually fuck me... but everyone is different!

Of course, this doesn't completely solve the problem, and it doesn't work forever. It does take the pressure off your partner though, which is what we want, as we work towards a more compatible sex life.

In our earlier years when we hadn't figured out what to do about our unmatched libidos, I used to cry to my gf that I wouldn't stand for "lesbian bed death." Lack of testosterone can really put a damper on lesbian sex. Statistically lesbians have the least sex of any gender couple configuration. However, my libido is higher than the average woman, I am more like a guy, so I was not about to continue in a sexless relationship. I've worked hard to get us to a more satisfactory place.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top