Nervous

You said at one point that you were the kind of person that looks forward to things. Perhaps making plans for when he comes back that you can look forward to? Plans with him, plans for him and the kids (obviously he should take part int that), plans to spend some much needed time doing your thing.

I think that while it's valid to let yourself feel what you do, it's important to remember that he will be spending intense time with the new gf until he leaves, and then none at all. In fact, when she moves here, she will have a boyfriend to think about, and he a family to care for. This time they have now will be coming to an end shortly and there will be a lot of adjusting, I would think, for everyone. They are lucky in that they have time to have a sped-up version of what a lot of us have to drag out in getting to know each other. Actually, I see that as a mixed blessing, as there is something to be said for getting to know each other slowly, too.

When he gets home, and this time is over, there will be new things to concern oneself with, in that he could become depressed and sad that his intense time with her is over and that he has a responsibility to his family and you. You likely will be champing at the bit to get out and do stuff while he stays home. Not only that, but you could be eager to spend time with him while he is still adjusting to being home again. He could need to keep his NRE at bay and literally forcing it out of his head.

I remember coming home (still do sometimes) to my family after time with Mono. My NRE had to be dampened and I just wanted to run back to him. I would walk into the chaos of our home to find a burnt-out daddy and a needy son, and would just have to suck it up and deal. It was all an adjustment and all paid off by my doing that. Perspective and long-term thoughts are what kept my head from blowing up. I would think he will be experiencing something similar.

This too shall pass, I think, and in no time at all there will be other things to consider. I know you make huge efforts to go out and see people, spend time with others and make plans for your immediate future. Keep at it and ride the wave. It won't last forever. You are already considering your needs and staying afloat. That will bide you well in the future. That speaking from my own experience with a young child and being stuck at home with him. :)

I look forward to the plans we have made thus far, btw. Not all nights will be lonely ones.
Hugs and kisses.
 
No sooner had I posted, than you texted, and now we are meeting for lunch! Yay, there we go! Stuff comes up when we least expect it to.
 
redpepper said:
When he gets home and this time is over, there will be new things to concern oneself with, in that he could become depressed and sad that his intense time with her is over, and that he has a responsibility to his family and you. You will likely be champing at the bit to get out and do stuff while he stays home... could be eager to spend time with him while he is still adjusting to being home again. He could need to keep his NRE at bay and literally forcing it out of his head. I remember coming home (still do sometimes) to my family after time with Mono, my NRE had to be dampened and I just wanted to run back to him. I would walk into the chaos of our home... and would just have to suck it up and deal. It was all an adjustment and all paid off by my doing that. Perspective and long term thoughts are what kept my head from blowing up. I would think he will be experiencing something similar.
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This is actually one of the things I worry about. Let's face it, the day-to-day stuff just isn't as fun, and neither is the burnt-out spouse. And I know a lot of what I'm doing and saying aren't helping that any. There's a part of me that just wants to reconnect so badly, but there's another part of me that wants to just do what I want to my schedule to "show him." It's not helpful at all and I do know that. I better stop this thread or he's just not going to want to come home at all!

I'm working on some stuff here though. I set up a google calendar this morning to see how much I really am doing in a more concrete way. I'm also not going to try making plans with my unreliable friend anymore, because it hurts every time those plans are changed. I'll still plan group activities with her, but no more of this waiting around for her to show up. I'm also missing derby. It's been a few weeks since I've been to more than one practice a week (due to circumstances). I need to move my body more. It helps to get rid of some of my anxiety.

I'm putting my energy tonight and tomorrow night into planning date night. ;)

Impromptu lunch today was nice. It made me smile. :)
 
I'm feeling calm, centered and grounded today. I had a fabulous evening last night with RP and I'm looking forward to many more. :D I'm also looking forward to my husband coming home. It's soon now. He starts back on the road in a week and it will take about 10 days for him to get home. I think the days that he is on the road are going to be hard. I'm not the most patient person in the world. I'm kind of wishing he flew out there now! Ah well, he will be home soon.
 
That settled and calm feeling is a good one. Enjoy.

This past week or so, I have finally felt centered again, more so than I have since October.

Congrats on your hubby coming home. :)
 
I've made a conscious decision to let go of the past. The root of a lot of what's been bothering me and sending me on this emotional roller coaster are things that happened 15 years ago. There's nothing that I or anyone else can do about the past. 15 years ago, we both made the best decisions about how to behave in relation to each other that we could have at the time, with what we knew.

It's time to shift my focus. I'm not that 17-year old girl anymore. I have to live in the present and look at everything in my relationship for what it is today. I can't let myself dwell on the fact that my feelings weren't reciprocated right off the bat. There is no doubt in my mind now that my husband loves me and wants to be with me.

It's unfair of me to punish him for being 19 and having (misplaced) loyalty to a friend. He didn't want to be involved with me in any deeper capacity than a friend with benefits because I had dated one of his good friends. I fell in love with him before I had been left by my ex. I didn't pursue anything until after that, but when I did, I really went after him. He was trying to keep a long-standing friendship alive, while struggling to figure out how I could fit into the world that he had known for years. He was doing the best he could, and I need to stop holding that against him.

What we have now is something very special. He's my best friend, possibly the only person who really, really knows me (although I'm working on allowing myself to be more open). I love that our relationship was built on friendship. We knew each other and liked each other before we even realized that there was any chemistry. I know that we'll always have that friendship to fall back on. It's the glue that's held us together, through everything that we've been through over the past decade and a half. To be loved for who you are, warts and all, is something that doesn't come along every day.

So here I go, living in the now, and making my relationships better in the future. It's a little scary. Wish me luck!
 
Good luck!

I suppose we need the past in order to know where we stand sometimes. But we don't need the past to rule our emotions, I think. Drop some of the sandbags and go higher.
 
I'm getting nervous about him coming home, Derby. Things have changed since Christmas in so many ways. I hope it will all be good, but I wait in anticipation. I have purposely gone as slowly as possible in developing our relationship, in order to give some space to you and the situation you are in, and because I think it means for a more successful relationship in the long run. I hope that has helped. It's not the approach that he has taken.

I get that for me and Mono it was three days of saying we would go slow, and then we had sex, and then I was sleeping over within the week. And we have had a regular Tuesday ever since. It happened to have worked, but we were lucky.

We have so much to still talk about before he comes home next week. Good thing that we are going on a long hike and having dinner on Saturday alone. A good 7 hours of getting to know you and sorting some things out that I am concerned about and want to know, all wrapped up in just being together and enjoying that.

I can't wait, but I am nervous at the same time. :eek: What if you can't stand being together that long, or you are a better hiker than me and have to wait up for me, or we find it hard to communicate or... or...? :eek: Oh, I am so silly.
 
I know that a lot has changed since Christmas, and in some ways it has been very sudden, but in others it has been very gradual. When I post here it is mostly to get out what's inside me and to work through issues that I have. I find that without that proper face-to-face contact, communication isn't as easy. There have been times over the past couple of months when all I wanted was to be hugged and to have that physical reassurance that everything was going to be ok.

RP, I know that you are nervous for me with him coming home. I'm looking forward to our walk and talk tomorrow. As for going slowly, you're probably right that it is better in the long run. Any time I have just rushed into things, it hasn't been what I wanted. I'd rather move from friends into lovers than to try and do it the other way around. I'm not sure if that makes any sense or not.
 
You two are awesome. :D What a way to build a foundation. Communication, pace, eyes wide open, still seeing the big picture, despite how exciting the small one can be. Seriously, you need to write a manual .:)
 
I am calm, peaceful and happy. There's not a lot new and exciting over the past few days, but I feel like I might be off that roller coaster that I was on for the past little while. I feel more grounded and less like I don't know what's coming next.

I'm also really excited that I'm going to be playing in the next derby game. Maux Faux is taking to the track! Gotta get my game face on. :mad::eek:

ETA: I'm finding that giving more love into the universe is bringing more back to me.
 
My husband is home. He just got off the ferry a couple of hours ago and surprised me for lunch :D. It's so good to see him again. I've missed him. Now to get through the last couple of hours of work until I can go home.
 
Derbylicious said:
My husband is home. He just got off the ferry a couple of hours ago and surprised me for lunch :D. It's so good to see him again. I've missed him. Now to get through the last couple of hours of work until I can go home.
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This is great news!! Say hi for me.
 
and the drama continues...

This evening I thought I'd do the noble thing and tell my ex gf that I'm dating Redpepper. It went pretty much as I expected it would. She got angry at me and now isn't talking to me again. I'm kind of glad I decided to do it over the computer now, rather than in person like I had originally planned.

My reasoning in telling her was that it was better that she find out from me rather than through the grapevine. She was still hoping that I'd get back together with her, but being that we broke up twice (for the same reason both times and her breaking it off both times), I didn't want to go back there again, since nothing has changed. She seems to have a hard time finding the middle ground of friendship. I learnt from that relationship that I need a foundation of friendship first, so that I have an idea of how someone works.

I feel bad for hurting her, though. I knew it would hurt her because she wants something different from me than I want from her. I would have loved to have stayed friends with her, but I'm thinking now that it's really not going to be possible. We have a mutual friend who I've asked to go and talk to her and keep her company. She's not a bad person; we were just not the greatest match. :(
 
Derbylicious said:
This evening I thought I'd do the noble thing and tell my ex gf that I'm dating Redpepper.
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It was a brave thing to do, and much better than her hearing it from a friend. Sorry she reacted that way. I find it interesting how "possessive" (for lack of a better word) some people can be of their exes.
 
That's tough, Derby. Maybe someday you can mend those fences. Maybe some serious time apart will help her, who knows?

I know, for me, being friends with exes is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.
 
I'm appreciating reading this, now that I know a bit more and know who's writing. :)
 
Thanks for the support, guys. I'm feeling better today. It's good to know where I stand. Also, it's a relief that it's not something that needed to be done hanging over my head anymore. A weight has been lifted. Although I'm sad that it didn't go better, there wasn't really a better time.

I'm glad I'm coming home tomorrow.
 
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