I think a lot of my irritation also comes from being advised by poly people who see things way different, kind of like Olympic swimmers telling someone who doesn't swim that their fear of sinking is unreasonable. I couldn't relate to someone's pain or fear of swimming if I've always been a strong swimmer. I initially thought more people who were monogamous and struggling would respond, I didn't expect the number of poly people who've answered. I'm sure, when I'm not scraped raw, a poly perspective might be useful.
Confused, if you knew your husband was ultimately hoping that his efforts to win your trust back had an additional prize, not just your relationship, but something BEYOND that, would it have affected the way you viewed his efforts? I can't help but link everything he says and does to his desire to have other lovers. Like I'm a stepping stone, an obstacle to be managed to get from an unsatisfying monogamous relationship to what he ultimately wants. He has to make me happy to get to the ultimate prize. I'm really struggling to remain open to him.
I could look at it in cold terms of getting something out of the deal. Vacations, dates, maybe a movie (last movie I saw in a theater that wasn't Disney/Pixar was "Gone in 60 Seconds"), regardless of what his ulterior motives are. Remove my heart from play, and just enjoy some benefits.
So, now I'm asking for advice from anyone. I know poly is supposed to be one big happy family, everybody likes everybody and gets along, but I still want nothing to do with my husband's lovers if we get there. I don't want to know or interact with them or know what they do together. When I talk about "poly ways", this is one of my needs that I know is pretty much against poly policy. DADT isn't accepted for the most part. How can I protect myself and set boundaries around my relationship with my husband while allowing him to do whatever when most poly people won't engage in a DADT situation?
Confused, if you knew your husband was ultimately hoping that his efforts to win your trust back had an additional prize, not just your relationship, but something BEYOND that, would it have affected the way you viewed his efforts? I can't help but link everything he says and does to his desire to have other lovers. Like I'm a stepping stone, an obstacle to be managed to get from an unsatisfying monogamous relationship to what he ultimately wants. He has to make me happy to get to the ultimate prize. I'm really struggling to remain open to him.
I could look at it in cold terms of getting something out of the deal. Vacations, dates, maybe a movie (last movie I saw in a theater that wasn't Disney/Pixar was "Gone in 60 Seconds"), regardless of what his ulterior motives are. Remove my heart from play, and just enjoy some benefits.
So, now I'm asking for advice from anyone. I know poly is supposed to be one big happy family, everybody likes everybody and gets along, but I still want nothing to do with my husband's lovers if we get there. I don't want to know or interact with them or know what they do together. When I talk about "poly ways", this is one of my needs that I know is pretty much against poly policy. DADT isn't accepted for the most part. How can I protect myself and set boundaries around my relationship with my husband while allowing him to do whatever when most poly people won't engage in a DADT situation?