When there is a breakup in a secondary relationship, how are things handled in the primary relationship? What do you do to make your partner feel better after they have been hurt by someone else? Also, on the flip side of that, how do you keep the breakup blues from affecting your primary relationship?
How do you keep heartbreak in one relationship from affecting another relationship?
- Thread starter MsDolly
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Bluebird
Well-known member
When I was dumped by my ex-boyfriend 2 Christmases ago, I was sad. Really, really sad. My husband held me, hugged me, just offered his silent support. He listened to me vent, and sniffle, but never said "I told you so" even though he had warned me from the beginning. I don't think I could have blocked all of my emotions from spilling over, but having my husband there to hold me helped a lot. My recovery and rebound period went much more quickly than I would have expected otherwise, honestly.
Thanks for your reply. I was recently dumped, and it's affected both myself and my primary negatively. We are both new to poly and have never had to deal with a breakup before.
My primary is hurt by the fact that I was hurt by the breakup. She feels like I was not up front with her about the seriousness of my secondary relationship because she was unaware it was serious and so she doesn't get why I am upset. It wasn't serious. If it were a plane, it would have never gotten off the ground. I am just upset because break ups suck, but now I feel bad that my being upset about being dumped is making my primary feel upset.
My primary is hurt by the fact that I was hurt by the breakup. She feels like I was not up front with her about the seriousness of my secondary relationship because she was unaware it was serious and so she doesn't get why I am upset. It wasn't serious. If it were a plane, it would have never gotten off the ground. I am just upset because break ups suck, but now I feel bad that my being upset about being dumped is making my primary feel upset.
I'm sorry you deal in this.
You had a relationship. It ended. You are sad, because break ups are a bummer. The "size" or "duration" of the bummer will vary depending on the kind of relationship you shared with the person, but "break ups are a a bummer" is a fair description of them to me. I never met anyone who thought "Whee! Break ups are great fun!" Grief process is a process.
What kind of "bad?" Do you mean it something like...
If so, I am sorry your partner is adding more on to your shoulders right now.
I think you feel bad because your primary is choosing to dump on you when you are already down rather than choosing to comfort herself when she is upset.
If that IS how she comforts herself? By dumping on you... that's messed up!
You could tell her what you expect from her. We teach others how we want to be treated. How's your energy level? You have any to spare?
If this is anxiety stuff projecting on to you from your partner because she doesn't know how to be?
http://goodlifezen.com/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/
If there's anything there you want, circle it, hand it over and ask if she's willing to do any of that. Redirect her twitchy energy into something more constructive.
You could ask her to manage her own upset with someone else. Please not add to your load at this time. One comforts in, kvetches out.
Are you at zero energy? You could ask for space. No directions from you -- she just goes figure out how to help herself on her own.
You have choices for how you want to handle it. And it is ok to say "Look, I see you are upset. I am not able to help you at this time. I have to take care of me first, then others."
That how it works on a plane. You put your OWN oxygen mask on first. She can put on hers.
Galagirl
You had a relationship. It ended. You are sad, because break ups are a bummer. The "size" or "duration" of the bummer will vary depending on the kind of relationship you shared with the person, but "break ups are a a bummer" is a fair description of them to me. I never met anyone who thought "Whee! Break ups are great fun!" Grief process is a process.
What kind of "bad?" Do you mean it something like...
" I want to be sad and process my break up. (single load ugh). I know it will heal in time. It wasn't a super serious relationship, I just need a time out in peace.
My partner finds my being sad at this time (uncomfortable/inconvenient/anxiety provoking/other) for her.
She wants (all my attention/to be comfortable/something else)
To (get that/because she is not getting that), she's acting out at me. This behavior annoys me because it disturbs my peace.
So now I get double load UGH instead of single load UGH. I resent this because I expect my partner to TAKE AWAY from my problems rather than ADD to my problems. "
My partner finds my being sad at this time (uncomfortable/inconvenient/anxiety provoking/other) for her.
She wants (all my attention/to be comfortable/something else)
To (get that/because she is not getting that), she's acting out at me. This behavior annoys me because it disturbs my peace.
So now I get double load UGH instead of single load UGH. I resent this because I expect my partner to TAKE AWAY from my problems rather than ADD to my problems. "
If so, I am sorry your partner is adding more on to your shoulders right now.
I think you feel bad because your primary is choosing to dump on you when you are already down rather than choosing to comfort herself when she is upset.
If that IS how she comforts herself? By dumping on you... that's messed up!
You could tell her what you expect from her. We teach others how we want to be treated. How's your energy level? You have any to spare?
If this is anxiety stuff projecting on to you from your partner because she doesn't know how to be?
http://goodlifezen.com/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/
If there's anything there you want, circle it, hand it over and ask if she's willing to do any of that. Redirect her twitchy energy into something more constructive.
You could ask her to manage her own upset with someone else. Please not add to your load at this time. One comforts in, kvetches out.
Are you at zero energy? You could ask for space. No directions from you -- she just goes figure out how to help herself on her own.
You have choices for how you want to handle it. And it is ok to say "Look, I see you are upset. I am not able to help you at this time. I have to take care of me first, then others."
That how it works on a plane. You put your OWN oxygen mask on first. She can put on hers.
Galagirl
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You were very on point with the double load ugh's. It's like you have been through this before and know exactly how I feel!
I have already asked her for space, but that didn't go over well because she is not a space giving kind of gal. When she gets upset, she wants to have long, drawn out, endless, circular, repetitive talks about her feelings. When I get upset, sometimes I need space first to process, and then I can talk about my feelings. An issue is never fully resolved in my mind until it's discussed, but I need time to get to the discussion. When we are both upset, but I am in the phase where I need space and she wants to talk about her feelings for 4 hours, then it's hard for us to meet in the middle. She agreed to give me space, but kept getting upset at me for not talking to her, so basically she never actually gave me the space. Now that we have discussed it more, she has made me aware that she is not okay with the idea of giving one another space because she feels like healthy couples should work through issues together, and not separately. I mostly agree with that, so now I feel guilty for wanting space. This breakup has caused quite a bit of drama for my primary relationship. More drama than the actual breakup of the secondary relationship itself.
I have already asked her for space, but that didn't go over well because she is not a space giving kind of gal. When she gets upset, she wants to have long, drawn out, endless, circular, repetitive talks about her feelings. When I get upset, sometimes I need space first to process, and then I can talk about my feelings. An issue is never fully resolved in my mind until it's discussed, but I need time to get to the discussion. When we are both upset, but I am in the phase where I need space and she wants to talk about her feelings for 4 hours, then it's hard for us to meet in the middle. She agreed to give me space, but kept getting upset at me for not talking to her, so basically she never actually gave me the space. Now that we have discussed it more, she has made me aware that she is not okay with the idea of giving one another space because she feels like healthy couples should work through issues together, and not separately. I mostly agree with that, so now I feel guilty for wanting space. This breakup has caused quite a bit of drama for my primary relationship. More drama than the actual breakup of the secondary relationship itself.
Oh, yes.
Does she think 4 hours of circlular conversation is healthy problem solving and conflict resolution for couples? And the "problem" is she wants you to be yippyskippy after a break up with your ex and you actually are sad?
If that is what you are saying... are you able to see how weird that sounds? Most people don't like being told what to feel.
Why? Is she enmeshed? Is her source of validation YOU, and if you are seeming "broken" right now, it wigs her out like her life boat is springing a leak? If so, the solution is not to glom on even tighter to you. You both drown like that.
Was the unarticulated core need "Mememe! All your attention for me?" If so? She got it then. And she might thrive in a skewed dynamic like that, but then you might drown.
What both have in common is both are not balance and both have poor personal boundaries.
I think she sounds like she emotionally floods. Do you? And you guys end up in some kind of feedback loop thing?
http://portlandrelationshipinstitute.com/Artcl__Emotional_Floodin.html
Sounds like she needs help getting her thoughts together and self comforting. She could write what she thinks is the problem and her suggested solutions in a journal while giving you space to do same.
And you could need help setting firmer boundaries. You are not available now. You are available on ____ and will read her bullet list at that point in time. It is not saying "NO, never!" It is saying "YES. Just not at this very minute."
You mean she basically makes promises/agreements she does not keep? You are ok with that?
She agreed to giving you space. You can hold her to it. Leave the room if she comes bothering you about the topic that is tabled. She could not agree to things she does not intend to follow through on. Could learn to keep her Word. She's not going to do that if you do not hold her accountable.
You can also go out. Take the moment alone you need. I like going to the bookstore alone to decompress. Sometimes I do yoga or book a massage.
Ok. WHEN? And for how long without a break? Because some problems can be solved in one sit down. Other are bigger and take several sessions. And normal life happens in between so people can rest, eat, etc.
We can solve "make dinner" in one sit down. We do "build a restaurant" with more than one session.
This sounds complicated to me. I think the best solution might be counseling if you guys cannot sort out a healthier relational dynamic on your own.
I hope for your sake things work out. You don't need to be under double load UGH all the time. I am really sorry you deal in this on top of a recent break up. That's hard.
Hang in there!
Galagirl
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sparklepop
New member
Hi Dolly, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a breakup right now. Breakups are undoubtedly shitty. Early poly breakups can DOUBLE suck because there can be so many emotions flying and factors flying around.
Your need = to heal and be left to process. Primary's need = to understand (talk) and feel secure. Each of you is focusing on your own need first, but neither of you are able to tend to them under your current approaches. With time, communication, experience and practice, you honestly could work this out.
Try to find empathy for one another? You're both new to this.
You're learning:
Your partner is learning:
Looking back on your former secondary relationship, would you say that you:
In terms of your need for space when upsets happen:
If you're holding up your end of the bargain, it's your primary's turn to do her share.
Actions
Could read Nonviolent Communication. Your primary could read about healthier habits - four hours of spiraling conversation does not constitute healthy communication. Talking IS important, but there's more to intimacy than that.
Could try to meet in the middle? You're on fire, and your primary IS trying to reach you, but she's caught up in flames too. Everyone's panicking, and the fire is being made worse instead of being put out. In other words, if you NEED space and are not getting it, separate yourself from the situation for the sake of your mental health. Go for a walk, get thee to a spa, meet a friend... do whatever it is you need to do. Tell your primary when you'll be back, and go off and be alone. Turn your phone off.
But also? Address primary's fire. Tell her that your relationship is important to you, and that you realise you guys need to talk. Set a time to talk, and take time out until then. Your primary does need to learn not to add stress to the pile, but you can also learn to help via the points above.
As a final note, to address your questions:
Your need = to heal and be left to process. Primary's need = to understand (talk) and feel secure. Each of you is focusing on your own need first, but neither of you are able to tend to them under your current approaches. With time, communication, experience and practice, you honestly could work this out.
Try to find empathy for one another? You're both new to this.
You're learning:
- To balance other relationships effectively with your primary relationship
- To add (not detract) from your primary's sense of security
- To find ways to support yourself when your partner isn't capable of helping
- To deal with the new phenomenon of a break-up when you still have a partner. There's no blueprint for this in monogamy. This is fresh ground, and it's confusing.
- To add (not detract) from your primary's sense of security
- To find ways to support yourself when your partner isn't capable of helping
- To deal with the new phenomenon of a break-up when you still have a partner. There's no blueprint for this in monogamy. This is fresh ground, and it's confusing.
Your partner is learning:
- To find security and trust in your relationship while poly
- To put her feelings aside in the moment of crisis
- To support herself when you are not in a place to give support
- To offer the *right* kind of support to the person in crisis
- To put her feelings aside in the moment of crisis
- To support herself when you are not in a place to give support
- To offer the *right* kind of support to the person in crisis
Looking back on your former secondary relationship, would you say that you:
- Painted 100% accurate and truthful picture of that situation to primary and yourself?
- Handled NRE well? Didn't neglect primary?
- Addressed primary relationship health before adding the new person? You and primary still had dates, sex life good, secure feelings? Didn't ignore issues?
- Handled NRE well? Didn't neglect primary?
- Addressed primary relationship health before adding the new person? You and primary still had dates, sex life good, secure feelings? Didn't ignore issues?
In terms of your need for space when upsets happen:
- Do you lovingly request this straight away, or withdraw without word until you're pushed to verbally ask for space?
- How long do you need space for? Do you ask for indefinite periods and wander off, or do you give concrete check-in times?
- Do you perpetuate the cycle by engaging with your partner after asking for time alone, or do you make yourself unavailable (turn phone off, leave the house, etc.)?
- If you need days and days of quiet time, do you still make time to check in on your partner's world? Ask her about her day?
- How long do you need space for? Do you ask for indefinite periods and wander off, or do you give concrete check-in times?
- Do you perpetuate the cycle by engaging with your partner after asking for time alone, or do you make yourself unavailable (turn phone off, leave the house, etc.)?
- If you need days and days of quiet time, do you still make time to check in on your partner's world? Ask her about her day?
If you're holding up your end of the bargain, it's your primary's turn to do her share.
Actions
Could read Nonviolent Communication. Your primary could read about healthier habits - four hours of spiraling conversation does not constitute healthy communication. Talking IS important, but there's more to intimacy than that.
Could try to meet in the middle? You're on fire, and your primary IS trying to reach you, but she's caught up in flames too. Everyone's panicking, and the fire is being made worse instead of being put out. In other words, if you NEED space and are not getting it, separate yourself from the situation for the sake of your mental health. Go for a walk, get thee to a spa, meet a friend... do whatever it is you need to do. Tell your primary when you'll be back, and go off and be alone. Turn your phone off.
But also? Address primary's fire. Tell her that your relationship is important to you, and that you realise you guys need to talk. Set a time to talk, and take time out until then. Your primary does need to learn not to add stress to the pile, but you can also learn to help via the points above.
As a final note, to address your questions:
In our relationship, we expect some spillover and we acknowledge it. We try to put aside our own gripes to support whoever is in crisis first. We try not to add extra issues to the mix, especially during the first few days of a break up. Sometimes we screw it up, and we work on forgiving each other for that. It wasn't always like this - breakups were a shitstorm of drama for us 4 years ago. It takes time.
Be there to give the kind of support they need - talking, hugs, distraction, space, whatever. Be patient. Focus on their needs first, process our own concerns either independently or with friends - not with the person going through the breakup.
Being reassuring if needing space. Being understanding if partner is feeling neglected while we mope. Still engaging with partner - going on dates, asking about their day, etc. Addressing any tensions and arranging to talk about them once things have settled.
