need advice on how to deal with betrayal in triad

Have you considered focusing on yourself, and your needs, right now? Not to make him love you, because you can't make someone love you, but rather to help give yourself some stability and peace? Engage in things that help relieve stress for you, that you enjoy--hang out with friends, workout, do yoga, go for a hike (I know you're pregnant, so clearly physical activities within reason) or to a movie, knit...whatever it is you like to do. Get yourself some space to breathe, where it's about *you,* not about your marriage or poly. Meet your other needs: spend time with your children, enjoy getting ready for your upcoming birth and make sure you're taking care of *yourself* for a happy and healthy baby (eat enough, drink enough, and sleep). That's not to say you shouldn't deal with the situation, but rather that taking a step back sometimes is not only okay, it's healthy.

Assuming you want to stay in the marriage, you could set a time to talk to your husband when he gets back, and talk about your needs in the relationship, rather than focusing on him and her. It's clear the triad is out, so (as Marcus said) let it go. What do you need? Be clear, and be specific. I.e., not"I need more attention," because that is really subjective and nebulous, but "I need time with you X days/evenings a week, for just us, doing something together, uninterrupted." Then ask what he needs, and again, ask for specifics. No one is a mind-reader, and when one partner is in NRE, they often have HUGE blind spots. If he brings up the triad, be clear about your thoughts--it is not up to you to meet this expectation for him, and you are not a horrible person, and neither is she, for this triad not working out. You can't force a square peg into a round hole, and neither of you two should be forced into a relationship they don't want just to appease someone else. Also, keep in mind that simply because she didn't hit it off with you doesn't necessarily say anything about you--not every person we date turns into an LTR. Some people click, some don't. It's normal.

And no, whether she tells her parents or not doesn't really concern you at this point. You can't control her behavior, and you are not in a romantic, LTR with her. If you were, you could say that it was important for you that her family know because you are unwilling to be a dirty secret; but, at this point, only your husband is in the relationship with her and so that's up to him. Not telling her parents doesn't necessarily mean she's out to destroy your relationship. Many poly people don't tell their parents they're poly, or about their partner's partners, especially if those parents are so geographically distant that it doesn't actually matter in practice. Or, if they do tell them, it's only when things become very serious. She may not want to tell her family for many reasons that have nothing to do with any ideas of "stealing" your husband. For example, I am a fairly private person when it comes to my family, and my parents are in their 80s with the beginnings of dementia. So, yeah, I don't spend a lot of time talking to them about poly. My family only knows about who *I* am dating, because my partner's other relationships are none of their, or my, business. Other poly people tell their family everything about everyone they ever date. Either way, it's not up to you to dictate her relationship with her family, and I would also caution you from assigning motives to her actions. that said, it is also not your fault her family doesn't know (if they don't), which means you needn't give up your needs because they don't (this kind of thing can come into play during holidays, etc.).
 
It is a big mistake to require that it be a triad. There is nothing wrong with a Vee.

Get yourself a boyfriend or girlfriend on your own. Why do newbies always think poly relationships have to be done as a group?

Oh, and you are NOT "hard to love" - stop saying that! That is some of the most ridiculous bullshit I've ever read on here. How dare your husband tell you that! You are absolutely lovable. He is just being an ass who is not taking responsibility for his behavior and is making a weak attempt at blaming you. He is a coward. You should show him this thread.
 
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Good advice here already, especially from nycindie and GreenAcres. I'm so sorry you are going through this mess, especially while you are pregnant.

It definitely sounds like the triad option is out. The alarm bells are ringing for price of admission behaviour.

As nycindie so rightly said - you are not hard to love. NOBODY is hard to love. Some people can be difficult to talk to, difficult to please, or whatever else, but difficult to love? Listen. Your husband is telling you this because he cannot deal with his own guilt, and/or his own mistakes.

We cannot know everything that has gone on. Have you asked your husband (and yourself) what your contribution to the problem has been? What is he finding difficult about your behaviour?

What has your husband done in terms of 'bad behaviour'?

You know, what your husband has said to you is beyond awful. My partner has only ever told me that she's felt neglected once, in four years, and it was when I was going through a very bad breakup. I immediately addressed it and made sure to not only apologise from the heart, but to DO something about it. None of this was a burden. This, to me, is what a loving, adult response looks like. Your husband hasn't taken action to either repair things with you or say he wants out? That's awful behaviour.

Can you get yourselves to a poly-friendly therapist when these trips are done?
 
I just spoke with DH over phone to organise logiatics around our 4 year old. I also asked him what he wants to do next in regards to getting through this. I could hear that he is very angry which he says is because I have been so angry with him that he can't deal with it anymore. He said I just need to let go pf the anger that I am holding onto from the past. I think this is where we differ greatly because I have let go of the anger but not the hurt. I cant get over the hurt until he treats me well again. He says I am lying when I say this and that I am just angry. I admit I do get angry but it isnt actually from what he did in the past but the fact that he hasn't stopped hurting me this whole time and so there is always some new hurt that I get angry about. I think he doesnt understand the difference between anger and hurt and while I understand that he doesnt want to deal with an angry person I feel like he should be happy to deal with a hurt person. Does this make any sense or have I completely lost my mind?
 
you're completely being reasonable and being hurt he is not apologetic for the way he's treating you and he wants to sweep it all under the rug and pretend like everything's hunky dory so he can continue to have a girlfriend while you are still trying to heal from the feelings of betrayal that you have.
 
karsa said:
I cant get over the hurt until he treats me well again.
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Not so - at all. You will never be able to get over feeling hurt until you treat you well again.

Every bit of your situation is crying out for you to take this enormous opportunity to change how you've approached life until now - take your focus off of how other people are behaving, treating you, how they should act, what they should say, etc. etc. etc. and put your focus on your inner life. Green Acres wrote an extraordinarily helpful post that points squarely to the path that leads to your peaceful, fulfilling life for yourself and your children. However your husband comes along down this path remains to be known, but one thing is certain: the absolute only way to assure a happy outcome regarding his participation is for you to decide to make your life the focus here. Your happiness, your interests, your love life, your pleasure, your self respect. His behavior may or may not be ethical/grown up/right, but he is (however awkwardly) sensing that he cannot be the one to make everything right for you inside. That is your work. Forget couples counseling and triads and everything that involves trying to manage other people's behavior and take this opportunity to expand and brighten your whole world. Lasting and stable happiness comes from the inside and radiates outward, influencing all of our relationships. It's not the other way around. Don't ever wait for other people to make you happy or to take away your hurt feelings, for that keeps you on an endless loop of dependence and insecurity. Real and lasting emotional security is built on the world we create on the inside and is reflected in the world we see on the outside.
 
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HappilyFallenAngel said:
Forget couples counseling and triads and everything that involves trying to manage other people's behavior and take this opportunity to expand and brighten your whole world. Lasting and stable happiness comes from the inside and radiates outward, influencing all of our relationships. It's not the other way around.
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Your entire post was very well said! Some advice will never be taken and I expect this is a good example of such a piece of advice, however, this is still fantastic advice. Hopefully everyone will take a moment to ponder it.

Thank you for being the voice of reason, HappilyFallenAngel :)
 
Marcus said:
Thank you for being the voice of reason, HappilyFallenAngel :)
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Well, it's my pleasure. Happy to be here.

It seems the only way many of us learn that happiness comes from the inside is by failing (over and over and over) in our insistence that our loved ones behave this way or that way. The more we tend to our own moods and allow others, especially those closest to our hearts, to manage their lives, seperate from our needs, needs, needs, the more harmony finds fertile ground and thrives in our relationships. Lest anyone think I dole out this advice casually, in my thirties I found this perspective was the only way to proceed past of the suicide of my fiance. Boy, you've never been truly "let down" until the person you're gonna marry jumps off a bridge! Of course I grieved the loss, but what I learned from the experience is that we're all free agents in this world and if your happiness depends on a constant stream of what you consider good behavior from others, you're going to have a very rocky emotional road through life. Which isn't to say that nothing should ever bug you and that crappy behavior is just fine and dandy, but you're going to be involved in many more harmonious situations if you come into each day managing your own inner world rather than constantly trying to influence other people so that they please you and keep you in a happy/secure/peaceful/content state of mind.
 
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HappilyFallenAngel said:
Not so - at all. You will never be able to get over feeling hurt until you treat you well again.

Every bit of your situation is crying out for you to take this enormous opportunity to change how you've approached life until now.
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You are right. I think where I get stuck is where DH comes along my path. In the past week I the only time I have felt calm and the closest to happy has been when I have thought of not being in this relationship anymore. Then the reality kicks in that I can't just walk away because I am pregnant and have another child. I am also a stay at home mum so I have no means to support myself. And I am not at all confident that DH would do the right thing as he has so far been in denial about what is really going on, so why would he accept that this is the best thing in the long run.
I havent relied on DH for my happiness for many years but I do think that people in partnerships have the power to make life so hard that it becomes impossible to feel truely happy. I realised that I haven't been getting enough good out of our relationship to put up with the bad and that is why I left. I would like to be able to work it out with him but I cant make him see things clearly and while he is in NRE phase I guess I have to accept that nothing will get through because he is subconsciously or consciously choosing to focus on the easy, happy part of his life, which doesn't involve me. And the metamour is not a strong, confident person so I also can't exoect that she will tell him to focus on something that takes away from her.
I just hate that they choose to see me as the bad guy in all this because it makes it so much harder to leave the situation in an amicable way.
 
poly background

My dear sweet girl

I am quiet curious...you and DH have been married 10 years. How long has your marriage been open. Did you both state from the begging you were both Poly before you married. I don't pick up one characteristic of a person living a poly lifestyle. Compassion, integrity, Honesty,...nothing. As for cowgirl....I think actually you have squatters! It sounds to me as though this is a takeover. This guy gives poly a bad name.
 
realamore said:
My dear sweet girl

I am quiet curious...you and DH have been married 10 years. How long has your marriage been open. Did you both state from the begging you were both Poly before you married. I don't pick up one characteristic of a person living a poly lifestyle. Compassion, integrity, Honesty,...nothing. As for cowgirl....I think actually you have squatters! It sounds to me as though this is a takeover. This guy gives poly a bad name.
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We've been together over 10 years and started out very monogamous. about 7 years ago DH had a semi GF that didn't last long or pan out the way we had hoped. It was a bit messy/awkward I think due to it being our first attempt at poly. He also had another GF about 4 years ago who I got along with well and probably would have lead to the kind of triad we wated but they broke up after a couple of months.
 
It sounds like you and your husband have a Mexican standoff: He won't treat you with the love that you were used to until you act normal, and you won't act normal until he treats you with the love that you were used to. You need a poly-friendly therapist to help you break this cycle. I know you are worried that while he is away they will continue to create this world where you are to blame for all their troubles, but that doesn't change the fact that you need a therapist's help.

I strongly suggest that you cancel your plans to form a triad and accept instead that a V is the best model for your situation. Triads are usually really hard to form intentionally, and in this case I think it's impossible. I could be wrong, but I really feel like you're trying to get a square peg into a round hole. At least relax your efforts and don't try to force it so much.

If you are living at a friend's house, then your metamour should move out of your house so that you can move back home. Things are really dysfunctional the way they are.

Please get some professional help for this. If your husband won't see a therapist with you, then at least go and see a therapist by yourself.

Keep us posted on how things are going.
 
Just wanted to say thanks to everone for the advice.

kdt26417 said:
It sounds like you and your husband have a Mexican standoff: He won't treat you with the love that you were used to until you act normal, and you won't act normal until he treats you with the love that you were used to. You need a poly-friendly therapist to help you break this cycle. I know you are worried that while he is away they will continue to create this world where you are to blame for all their troubles, but that doesn't change the fact that you need a therapist's help.

I strongly suggest that you cancel your plans to form a triad and accept instead that a V is the best model for your situation. Triads are usually really hard to form intentionally, and in this case I think it's impossible. I could be wrong, but I really feel like you're trying to get a square peg into a round hole. At least relax your efforts and don't try to force it so much.

If you are living at a friend's house, then your metamour should move out of your house so that you can move back home. Things are really dysfunctional the way they are.

Please get some professional help for this. If your husband won't see a therapist with you, then at least go and see a therapist by yourself.

Keep us posted on how things are going.
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I agree with what you are saying but unfortunately I have no control over this situation. It's been made pretty clear to me that it doesn't matter that I am saying the triad isn't working and I'm pretty sure if I offered an alternative it would only be agreed to if I was the one losing out. Eg I thought we could ease off the triad idea and accept a Vee but metamour is living with us and can't/wont move out so somehow it has to work with us still under the same roof. Admittedly I havent made the suggestion that we stop all sharing a bed and start setting up a bit more structure around coupling off, and I think I am reluctant to do this because I'm pretty sure they will take it as me making some petty power play and in order to prove that its not, I'll be the one in the spare room on the futon while they share the master bed (and if nothing else I need my good mattress at this stage of pregnancy). I just keep wondering when my role switched with metamours? The aim was to eventually all be equal partners, which I assumed would progress naturally over time as she earned/built a higher place in the relationship, but it seems that because that hasn't been instant I've become the secondary, and I feel like that's really unfair. I dont see why any person should have the same amount of say in all aspects of our life when they have only been in it for 8 months.

I think DH and I had very different ideas about how a triad would be achieved and unfortunately we didn't clarify with each other way back. I'm a "details" person while DH is a "big picture" kind of guy. So when there's an idea I instantly think of heaps of variables and weigh it all out and DH just thinks of the end result. This means that I am a bit easier going and can handle changing things around as I've already accepted there's probably more than one way to go about things, while DH is almost hyperfocused on one way to do things, whatever the one way he originally had in mind was and any deviation from that is undermining, sabotaging or just giving up.
This is why in my original post I was looking for ways for me to get ok so that he could see I'm not giving up, I'm just trying to find a way that might actually work but it hurts like a b to have to just "suck up" so much crap and so far I haven't been able to do it.

Since moving out I have seen a therapist but we live in a small, isolated community so no chance of finding someone who knows much, if anything, about polyamory, let alone is "poly-friendly".
 
Nothing wrong with settling up a second bedroom and creating a schedule so you both get equal dates and sleepovers with him. You don't have to be a secondary, sounds like you guys will be co primary. But if your husband isn't willing to give you half the time I would just walk.
 
You can search for therapists that can hold sessions online (mostly through skype.). Polyamory is in the drop down list for searching.
_____
As I've said it enough times, lawyer.
 
There's a book therapists can get if they're not familiar with polyamory. It's called, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.

You emphasized that your original post was intended to get advice on how to be okay with this. The best chance I can see of accomplishing that goal is to get a therapist's help. Ask them to read that book so that they'll be properly prepared to help you.

Still, a therapist can understand and appreciate polyamory perfectly well, and still perceive that your husband isn't being very nice or reasonable about the way he's conducting the polyamorous situation. What can you do when the therapist says, "But this isn't how polyamory is supposed to be?"

In addition to professional therapy you can of course turn to the good folks on this forum, and there are things we can provide, such as, I have a list of links for dealing with jealousy (if you're interested). But just like the therapist, we can look at the situation and say, "Hey wait a minute, this guy's not treating you right." And we're actual polyamorists, so we have our specialty in the field.

Polyamory is all about getting consent. If you're not inclined to consent to the way things are, then things shouldn't be this way, at least not so soon. If your husband and his girlfriend are making you feel like you *have* to give your consent, then that's not real consent that they're looking for, is it? The whole idea behind consent is that it's given freely; not under duress. "If you don't give your consent, that just proves you're being a selfish bitch." That's emotional duress.

I suppose your only choice is to plaster the rictus of a smile on your face and pretend that you're okay with it. Then be very forward with your metamour and initiate threesomes where you pretend to be having a good time. Then move in and sleep in their bed and snuggle up to show that you're not being a bitch. Sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but honestly I don't see what other choice you have if you don't feel you have the power to take any constructive action. You could certainly try all that stuff and see if it works. Some people say that you can fake it til you make it. In some cases that might be true.
 
You clearly don't want this situation, and it seems clear it's not going away. You do, in fact, have choices, even if those choices are not the ones you would want. You can stay, and do as kdt suggests. You can stay and move into a spare bedroom and (presumably) become a secondary. Or, you can leave. No, it will not be easy, but it *is* doable, even pregnant, it's done all the time. Contact a lawyer, and discuss your options for support. There are resources for financial and emotional support.

Either way you choose, there is more than just you right now. You have an unborn child and another child, and they deserve consideration, as well. Is this current situation healthy for them?
 
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