Husband having a hard time
- Thread starter SenecaSky
- Start date
And something else that I need to discuss with my husband at some point is his desire to know what I and my boyfriend did while we were together. I have no problem saying that we hit the local pizza joint or watched a movie, but he wants to know what we did sexually. I was okay with sharing a few details in the beginning (it turns him on) but now I'm starting to feel as though that's private and I really don't want to share. He asked last night if my boyfriend and I had done a particular kinky thing (that hubby and I have also been trying) and because we did this particular kinky thing more intimately he told me he felt a little jealous. I could've said at that time, 'well maybe it's better that you don't ask for details' but I wanted to think it through before speaking with him. Besides, he acknowledged that they were his feelings and he knows we didn't have an unspoken agreement to try this more intimate kinky thing first before I tried it with the OSO.
I'm wondering the best way to approach the subject. Something like, 'I know you like hearing about what I do with him in bed, but I feel as though we (boyfriend and I) have an expectation of privacy'.
It's weird since he's my husband and we've always shared everything, but I don't go telling my boyfriend what hubby and I do in detail and he really wouldn't care to know. Any suggestions on how to approach him about it? I know I could evade for awhile, but I should probably meet this head on. I really don't mind answering, "Did you have a good time?" But not much more.
I'm wondering the best way to approach the subject. Something like, 'I know you like hearing about what I do with him in bed, but I feel as though we (boyfriend and I) have an expectation of privacy'.
It's weird since he's my husband and we've always shared everything, but I don't go telling my boyfriend what hubby and I do in detail and he really wouldn't care to know. Any suggestions on how to approach him about it? I know I could evade for awhile, but I should probably meet this head on. I really don't mind answering, "Did you have a good time?" But not much more.
GreenAcres
New member
Address it head on. Your BF should have a reasonable expectation of privacy about your sex life together, unless it's something he's agreed to have shared. Would you want him sharing your grunts and moans with another lover of his without asking how you felt about it? You can be nice about it, but really, just say what you said here: "BF and I don't want to share our intimate details, just as I wouldn't share the details of ours with him."
(Full disclosure: I am touchy on this topic, because, as a "HBB," this kind of crap happened to me a lot--I am not someone else's porn--if I'm not fucking someone, they don't get to know what I do in bed just because it's a turn on for them. It icks me the fuck out, is a huge betrayal, and a deal-breaker).
Also, if you're letting one relationship dictate what can happen in your other relationship (you have to try certain things with hubby first), is your BF aware of this, and okay with these restrictions? It is a bit unfair to him to make arrangement that impact and restrict your sex life without his input if he's not okay with it, as well, but I know some folks are okay with those arrangements.
(Full disclosure: I am touchy on this topic, because, as a "HBB," this kind of crap happened to me a lot--I am not someone else's porn--if I'm not fucking someone, they don't get to know what I do in bed just because it's a turn on for them. It icks me the fuck out, is a huge betrayal, and a deal-breaker).
Also, if you're letting one relationship dictate what can happen in your other relationship (you have to try certain things with hubby first), is your BF aware of this, and okay with these restrictions? It is a bit unfair to him to make arrangement that impact and restrict your sex life without his input if he's not okay with it, as well, but I know some folks are okay with those arrangements.
Re (from SenecaSky):
Something like ...
"Honey, there's something we need to talk about. When would be a good time?"
Once that's scheduled, sit down with your husband when the time comes up. Then start. Something like ...
"Thanks for being supportive of my relationship with [boyfriend]. I just want to ask for an increase in our sexual privacy. I know you like hearing about what I do with [boyfriend] in bed, so I hesitated to ask, but I feel as though we have a certain expectation of privacy. Is that okay? Is there a need we can meet some other way?"
You would have to feel your way through the discussion from there, eventually stating that, "Did you have a good time?" is about the most private question you'd feel comfortable answering (when it comes to what you do in bed).
Something like ...
"Honey, there's something we need to talk about. When would be a good time?"
Once that's scheduled, sit down with your husband when the time comes up. Then start. Something like ...
"Thanks for being supportive of my relationship with [boyfriend]. I just want to ask for an increase in our sexual privacy. I know you like hearing about what I do with [boyfriend] in bed, so I hesitated to ask, but I feel as though we have a certain expectation of privacy. Is that okay? Is there a need we can meet some other way?"
You would have to feel your way through the discussion from there, eventually stating that, "Did you have a good time?" is about the most private question you'd feel comfortable answering (when it comes to what you do in bed).
Thanks,
It actually came up again last night because we started discussing the poly discussion group. He said mainly he likes hearing sexual details because he if he hears anything new and unusual that I really liked doing with boyfriend then maybe he can do it with me, too. (He knows certain stuff is off the table) I said that I understand that, and if I happen to discover some previously unknown button that makes me have multiple orgasms or some other crazy incredible thing, (LOL) I would definitely share - but that I'd prefer to keep most stuff private. He was surprisingly cool with it!
It actually came up again last night because we started discussing the poly discussion group. He said mainly he likes hearing sexual details because he if he hears anything new and unusual that I really liked doing with boyfriend then maybe he can do it with me, too. (He knows certain stuff is off the table) I said that I understand that, and if I happen to discover some previously unknown button that makes me have multiple orgasms or some other crazy incredible thing, (LOL) I would definitely share - but that I'd prefer to keep most stuff private. He was surprisingly cool with it!
opalescent
Active member
I can't be intimate (I mean emotional not physical) without privacy- I need that 'bubble' to feel safe and to help develop trust with a partner. If someone not in a relationship with me knows details about my sexual life without my consent, that would take away the space I need to feel intimate. I would have to consider leaving if it was a consistent pattern and my boundaries were not respected.
But people develop intimacy in all sorts of ways. Some want to share everything all the time. (I give those people the side-eye but that's my personal biases.) If everyone is gladly consenting to share details, that can work just fine. I just wouldn't be in a relationship that required that to function. So yes multiple intimate relationships but how intimate is defined is so important.
But people develop intimacy in all sorts of ways. Some want to share everything all the time. (I give those people the side-eye but that's my personal biases.) If everyone is gladly consenting to share details, that can work just fine. I just wouldn't be in a relationship that required that to function. So yes multiple intimate relationships but how intimate is defined is so important.
Agree that "intimate" has different levels and Ive yet to meet anyone who wanted to know everything about me, so its perhaps not acheivable in a 100% way that my fantasy is.
My last partner came closest to knowing me better than anyone ever, it was lovely.
Yes, I can see that if there are 3 people involved , then there needs to be consent between all 3 about what can / cant be shared.
IndieSolo
Active member
What do you mean, that not telling her husband what sexual activities she does with her boyfriend is somehow limiting how intimate she is with her husband? What about consideration for her other partner? How intimate should he be with her husband? Boyfriend should be consulted first to see what level of sharing he is comfortable with, otherwise it is a breach of privacy to just willy-nilly share what they do with her husband.
I don't understand your issue/question. There are numerous types of intimacy. Sexual intimacy is only one form.
I think we agreed, when I wrote later " Yes, I can see that if there are 3 people involved , then there needs to be consent between all 3 about what can / cant be shared."